So many uses they can see
For this mysterious glow.
I hear they can make light bulbs light
And cause more food to grow.
I’m told it can turn waste to fuel,
(though this costs quite a lot)
I’m also told it helps with pests
(But maybe it does not).
Yes, Plasma can do many things,
Like help and feed and heat
And after eating plasma food,
It even cleans your teeth!
I’m told it’s not like other things
And truly I don’t know
But all I care is that I’ve heard
That it makes things explode!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
MST3K: Episode 210 – King Dinosaur (With Short: X Marks the Spot)
Just about anything would be an improvement over the previous episode, and King Dinosaur doesn’t disappoint.
The story is that a new planet has been discovered, dubbed ‘Planet Nova’ (why does no movie keep with the established convention of naming planets after classical deities?). Naturally, the government decides to send a manned expedition of two couples; one blond, one brunette, consisting of male Zoologist and Doctor and female Chemist and Geologist. Once there, they find basically the same environment, only they claim it’s ‘younger’ than Earth. Not once do they express any surprise at the fact that all the life on Nova is exactly the same as that on Earth, with only a few embiggened varieties (such as a giant bug of some sort which just kind of shows up at one point).
Eventually, they explore a nearby island which they have been kind of obsessing over. They find some dinosaurs of the ‘stuff-glued-on-lizard’ type, led by an iguana which they try to claim as a T-Rex. There are a couple fights accomplished by throwing the iguana in with a caiman and then a monitor lizard and letting them go at it. Viewed from a modern perspective, this is pretty disturbing as the animals are clearly actually fighting and being injured in the name of this stupid little Saturday-matinee flick.
Anyway, so they escape the island and blow it up with an atomic bomb (which they had around just in case) for no reason whatsoever. Then they go home. That’s…really about it. Oh, and in between there’s some stuff with an alligator, a lemur, a snake, and the aforementioned giant bug. It doesn’t really come together; the actors just wander around some state park or another and occasionally shoot something or get attacked by something, then leave.
There are two major firsts in this episode; the most obvious is that it has the first of the educational shorts; ‘X Marks the Spot,’ a bizarre little film on driving safety where an absurdly bad driver named Joe Dokes dies in a crash and is being judged for whether he can survive based on his driving record (it apparently doesn’t matter whether you loved anyone or did good deeds, or anything like that). It’s a brilliantly riffed piece, and it seems something clicked in the minds of the Brains; from here on in, they would only do a few more serial shorts and one or two television episodes. Every other short they would do from here to the end of the series would be an educational or informative short of some sort. These will be frequently brilliantly riffed; classic little humor films of almost unmatched hilarity. The classic Mst3k shorts will become a staple of the series, and ‘X Marks the Spot’ is the beginning of that great tradition.
The second first is that this film is the first exposure to the work of Bert I. Gordon. Gordon would go on to be the most riffed director of the entire series, with eight films viewed by the Brains. Gordon was actually a semi-competent filmmaker and a true auteur; most of his films he wrote, produced, directed, and did the special effects for (usually from a garage studio with help from his wife). His specialty was enlarged creatures. His movies, while never particularly great, were frequently amusing and occasionally interesting. What I found most interesting about this episode, from the perspective of what is to come in the series, is how they focus more on Robert Lippert, the film’s producer (and producer of several previous films, including ‘Lost Continent,’ ‘Jungle Goddess,’ and ‘Rocketship XM’). It’s almost like reading an early comic book issue where the Joker is a supporting villain to the Clock King or something; soon Lippert will be almost forgotten and B.I.G. will be the Brains’ primary opponent.
Riffwise, the episode is very strong; there are frequent hilarious riffs on the slow pace, the brainless science, and the various animals. There are some dry stretches (par the course for season 2), but there are enough laugh-out-loud moments to counter them.
The host segments are more mixed: the invention exchange, particularly Dr. F’s being accidentally squashed by an elevator, is hilarious. The first segment is good too; with several great lines from Crow. The next two segments are less successful; the ‘Joey the Lemur’ sketch is so bizarre and incoherent that it’s become fairly infamous, and even gets mocked in a later season by the Brains themselves. The ‘emotional scientists’ bit didn’t do it for me either. The final segment is alright, though; Joel has some funny moments with a Theremin.
In the end, a great short and some great riffing make for a strong episode marred by some lame host segments.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Beat poetry on the Satellite of Love a rather amusing look at a truly lame type of poetry; I like the bots’ beards too.
Invention exchange: Some amusing bits from Dr. F. And a hilarious bit where Frank accidentally crushes Dr. F in the elevator. He’s now the pocket scientist! Joel has ‘incredibly stinky sweat socks.’ This is one of the funniest exchanges yet, despite not having any real inventions. Mostly Dr. F sells the show.
Short: Their first educational short!
Joel (on the credits): “Webber, the grill magnate.”
Open with a lethargic, elderly commissioner speaking to the audience.
Commissioner: “The loss of life…of a war worker means a definite set-back to our war program.”
Crow: “If you kill yourselves here, we can’t kill them over there.”
Commissioner (on accident victims): “Just once in a while they were careless, or inconsiderate…”
Crow: “Or they didn’t want to live in New Jersey anymore.”
And we switch narrators for the next part of the short.
We meet Joe Dokes; an absurdly bad driver.
Joel: “Hot dog! I got a date with death!”
Okay, even in the forties and even if he’s really mad, would anyone try to cross the street by opening the passenger door, crawling through the car, and out the other side? I can’t blame Joe for that.
Narrator: “Now, there was a street-intersection not far from where Joe lived…”
Crow: “Called ‘Blood Alley.’”
(Guy prepares for seeing the crash by shutting his eyes and putting his fingers in his ears)
Servo: “Well, I guess he can’t be a witness.”
And Joe’s dead and a ghost.
(hand taps Joe on the shoulder)
Crow: “Are you George Bailey? Oh, sorry, wrong film.”
Angel: “You used to know ‘em.”
Servo: “They’re your pallbearers now.”
And they go to see the Judge.
Crow (as Judge): “I’ll be with you in a moment, I’m just sealing some fates”
Servo: “Excuse me, uh, pardon me your…uh, Mr. God?”
Servo: “Dear diary; It’s hard being God…”
Joe: “Good-morning, sir.”
Judge: “There are no good mornings here.”
Servo: “I’ll decide if it’s a good morning or not!”
Judge: “You were born in New Jersey, eh?”
Crow: “I thought I smelled something.”
(Joe is begging to be spared)
Joe: “Besides, I’ve got almost a whole book of eight coupons left!”
Crow: “Oh, you should have presented those immediately upon ordering!”
Angel: “He was always sneaking up behind and scaring pedestrians…”
Joel: “Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that.”
Judge: “That description fitted someone else I know. If you know who I mean…”
Crow: “Hitler? Nah, he drove a stick.”
Another ‘I’m huge’!
Angel: “After that I never any trouble with Joe around schools; he’d crawl by at a snail’s pace.”
Servo: “Nursing homes though, woah!”
Judge: “Did he ever drive when he’d been drinking?”
Joel: “Oh, boy, I need my other scroll for that; that’s a doozy.”
Judge: “I want the whole truth.”
Servo: “So help me, Me!”
Judge: “I have book-full of those ‘just a cock-tale or two’ drinkers.”
Servo: “Jerk wouldn’t let me in their club.”
Judge: “Was there any traffic rule he didn’t violate?”
Joe: “Yes sir, I never hit-and-run.”
Joel: “Oh, well that changes everything!”
Angel: “He’d weave through traffic like a mouse-through-a-maze.”
Servo: “Squeaking and calling himself ‘Algernon’.”
Angel: “He, uh, stayed up with a sick friend…”
Judge: “He what?”
Servo: “He got plowed, okay?”
Judge (indicating the camera): “I leave that to this jury of drivers and pedestrians.”
Servo: “Oh, guilty; hang him! String him up! And get the director too.”
Joel: “Oh, great, we’re stranded in space and we still have to pull jury duty.”
I like Crow really getting into it.
First Host Segment: Crow wonders if he’s qualified (based on the end of the short). It’s a great little speech which becomes semi-inspirational then goes off the rails. “Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look.” A great bit and a tour-de-force for Trace Beaulieu.
And Robert Lippert is back.
Also features the first appearance of filmmaking auteur Bert I. Gordon, who will direct more Mst3k’d movies than anyone else.
Narrator: “On April 23rd, the word to start comes from Washington.”
All: “Start!”
(on a shot of an observatory)
Servo: “Then the world’s largest roll-on deodorant was invented.”
(shot of a metal being tested and snapping)
Crow: “Oops.”
Narrator: “Switch on for jet-engine test number 87!”
Servo: “Oh, so the announcer is calling the shots now?”
Narrator: “There is no margin for error.”
Crow: “There is a margin for shame, however.”
So, the portal power plant is also a small nuclear weapon. Nope, this won’t come into play later.
Narrator: “Record every vibrating pulse”
All: “Ohhh yeah…!”
(on a shot of test mice)
Joel: “Hi. My name in Benji and I’m a pan-dimensional being.”
Ah, so ‘the mice weren’t killed in the test, everything’s ready for people!’
Narrator mispronounces ‘Zoology.’
(Zoologist looking over a fossilized skull)
Crow: “I’d say this patient is dead; I’m no expert, but…”
Oh, come on! That’s a V-2! You couldn’t fit one person in there, let alone four!
Narrator (on the physician): “With the experience of treating most diseases and fatalities that overtake men.”
(they don’t comment on that, but how do you ‘treat’ a fatality?)
They really seem to be flying by the seat of their pants here, kind of like in Rocketship XM.
(shot of two guys looking in some sort of device with eye-pieces pointed at each other)
Crow: “You look neat.”
Hilarious bit where the narrator counts down WAY too fast.
(the rocket sputters and doesn’t take off for a second)
Servo: “Maybe you should take your foot off the clutch!”
Really bad process shot of the rocket landing.
The planet really looks a LOT like Earth…(as in, they filmed in a convenient park and hand-waved an explanation)
Servo: “Guys, I think they landed in Wisconsin.”
You know, it would be really embarrassing for the first words on a new planet to be ‘we’re first.’ No duh, you’re first!
So, an active volcano means it’s a young world? How does that logic work?
Of course life as you know it can exist; you’re in a grassy field with trees right behind you!
Servo: “That’s patty-cake; it’s the international symbol for ‘off with your clothes.’”
And they’re paired off romantically already; whatever.
And they see some elk and bears; maybe this could also be evidence that ‘life as we know it can exist’!
They just leave their suits and equipment on the ground and go for a walk. Cause, you know, it’s not like anything could happen to it.
The instant someone mentions the island there’s a scare chord.
Doctor: “All they want in Washington are tests and samples…”
Servo: “An d a few neat souvenirs.”
And the women immediately decide to take a bath in the strange lake on the unknown planet!
Crow (on a cute sloth-thing): “I’m Chirpy, the mutant hell-beast, and I don’t like this film.”
The characters walk around some…
Zoologist (looking at a flock of birds): “It’s about three o’clock Earth time here…”
Servo: “Judging by those birds”
(on Zoologist giving an order)
Joel: “Besides, I decided that I’m the new god of this planet.”
(footage of a sloth)
Servo: “I symbolically represent the pace of this film.”
Servo: “They’re making pretty good time considering this is a Lippert film.”
(Cut them camping in a circle)
Crow: “and there on the handle was some stock-footage of a hook.”
So, I guess the geologist chick can tell the age of the planet from digging a bit in the field…
Chemist: “I’m scared to death and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
Joel: “Thank you Mrs. Dedicated Scientist.”
Second Host Segment: Joey the Lemur. It’s a really weird sketch and Joel visibly struggles to remember his lines and flubs quite a few. It’s kind of bizarrely amusing (it has the overall feel of a fever dream). They mock this sketch several seasons down the line.
As they come back into the film, Joey attacks Servo.
(shot of a snake)
Joel: “Hi, remember me? I’m Satan; this is the first part of my three-picture development deal. We’ll be right back.”
Crow:” Shoot the snake, not the girl! On second thought…”
Oh, come on! Ms. Super-science panics when touched by a non-poisonous snake which he-man scientist then shoots twice with a rifle and decide that this means the place is getting too dangerous. Whatever.
(watching them build a lean-to)
Servo: “Why didn’t they use the tent they had in their back-packs?”
Joel: “Because they’re artists.”
Doctor is kind of gruff; at least geologist chick wanted to do something.
Doctor (to Zoologist): “Good-night old man.”
Servo: “I’m not old; I’m thirty-five. I could still take you, buddy.”
And chemist and doctor start making out. And they dump their watch to go make out. Yeah, the others won’t be killed in their sleep by anything on this hostile new prehistory planet!
(shot of an alligator)
Joel: “Hi, I couldn’t help noticing your suitcase and your shoes.”
And doctor starts fighting alligator while chemist stands there uselessly screaming.
Joel: “Sounds like an alligator mauling Bob!”
Inexplicable appearance by a giant beetle.
Crow: “I’m gonna need a bigger shoe…we’re gonna get a bigger shoe, right?”
And doctor shoots it.
Turns out they had left him alone with the chemist; I suspect the others were hoping they would both die (I know I was).
Chemist: “Relax…”
Crow: “Relax? There’s a bee the size of a moose over there and you want him to relax?”
And the Lemur shows up; actually named Joe. I think they just had a lemur around.
Geologist: “Who’s the cook tonight?”
Chemist: “I’ll do it.”
Crow: “How do you like your lemur?”
Geologists: “I think they’ve read too much science fiction; they all thought we’d meet some sort of super-race up here or something!”
Servo: “and all we’ve met are large, mutated animals!
Zoologist (to chemist): “You do whatever work you can around here.”
Crow: “Yeah, why don’t you practice screaming?”
(off-screen animal growl)
Crow: “Uh, good, but back of the throat; little higher.”
And the hideous beast that made that noise was…that python again. Come on!
Zoologist is too busy playing with the lemur to notice the huge snake wandering into their camp.
They do an odd, but funny little riff bit where Satan is the spokesman for Kraft cheese products…
So, they need to travel light, but they take the flippin’ lemur!?
Tell me those aren’t their space-suits still lying on the ground…
(film suddenly breaks and goes black)
Servo: “Cut! Cut!”
Crow: “I’ve gone blind!”
(rumblings are heard)
Geologist: “What’s that?”
Zoologist: “Just thunder.”
Servo: “Actually just jet noise; they’ll fix it in post.”
Man, Zoologist is mean! He just pulls Joe up roughly by the tale! What does Geologist see in him?
(Chemist looks through microscope)
Doctor: “Learn anything?”
Servo: “Yeah, you’re the father.”
Geologist:”What a desolate, forsaken place.”
Crow: “What a stilted, pretentious line.”
Joel (as Joe the lemur): “I’d really like to go back now; I think you’ll find only evil here. I bring a message from Gorgon, he tells you not to come here! Please! I abhor you! Please! Listen to the sacred writings I bring!”
And they find the giant iguana standing on its hind legs; the titular ‘King Dinosaur’. Whatever.
Crow (as the iguana): “Throw me the lemur, that’s all I want!”
Crow (as Iguana): “Before you take me into your heart I should mention I eat my young; did I mention that before?”
What our hero is going back for the frickin’ lemur! Look, I think the lemur can handle itself!
And he gets off-screen bitten.
Third Host Segment: Emotional Scientist. It falls apart. I love Servo as the director! But…Joel is kind of dreary here. It’s nothing special.
And here comes a caiman; there has to be a lizard fight. Which is again, pretty unpleasant considering they just throw the animals together and have them fight.
Servo (pan up the iguana): “Hey! Nastashia Kins…oh.”
(Another lizard shows up and perches on a rock)
Joel: “I’ll just watch from up here.”
Crow: “Who’s that?”
Servo: “That’s the ref.”
And Servo reuses that ‘gecko-Roman wrestling’ joke from Robot Monster.
The guys act appalled at the fight, as well they should.
Funny ‘Macbeth stage direction’ bit.
(seeing a flare)
Servo: “That means, lizard wrestling! Red flare at night, lizards fight, red flare in the morning, lizards take warning!”
And they edit it so that it looks like the iguana won.
They actually do a little discussion on their own riffing; kind of rare to hear them do that.
Crow: “Will you guys knock it off? I can’t concentrate on my own lame wise-cracks!”
Joel (as caiman): “I might be dead, but I won on points.”
And the Iguana immediately goes back to attacking the humans, even when he has a big, juicy, dead caiman to munch on!
Crow: “Don’t think I forgot about you! I gave you half-an-hour to escape and what do you do? You stay here. Fine!”
And the other two come after them.
Zoologist (on the iguana): “It resembles the tyrannosaurus Rex of Earth’s prehistoric age.”
Servo: “No it doesn’t!”
Crow: “Sorry, no way!”
Servo: “It’s a lizard from ‘Pet World’!”
Zoologist: “It’s just like living in the past.”
Crow: “It’s an iguana!”
Oh, and a monitor lizard; great.
Uh, the Iguana’s gone; maybe you should try to escape!
Chemist: “Oh what is it!?”
Crow: “IT’S AN IGUANA!”
So, the chemist and doctor come to rescue the others and decide that ‘they have to come to us’ great rescue attempt guys! I don’t know what we would’ve done without you!
And now they run! Delayed-action fight-or-flight.
Joel (as the victorious iguana): “Alright; now that that’s done I’m coming for Lippert. Pay-back time!”
Doctor: “I brought the atom bomb; I think it’s a good time to use it.”
Servo: “Oh, that’s your answer to everything! Just use the atom bomb!”
By the way, apart from killing, what is the point of nuking the island? What, are they afraid the iguana’s gonna retaliate against Earth or something?
Doctor (on the A-Bomb): “It’s set for eight o’clock.”
Servo: “Right now it’s…thirty-seconds to eight! Ahh!”
Oh, and they run into an armadillo and start shooting at it.
Servo: “Oh, what did he ever do!?”
And random shots of buffalo and a wooly mammoth. (the shag-carpeting can be seen coming off the elephant’s trunk).
Servo: “You know, I think the film on this lake is better than the film we’re watching!”
(on the nuclear blast)
Crow: “It looks like the beginning of ‘Petticoat Junction;’ Petticoat Armageddon.”
Crow (on the lemur): “Thanks for annihilating everything I know!”
Servo: “And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery-death in the sky, they went home.”
I must reiterate how utterly pointless the entire ‘use the atom bomb’ thing was. All they had to do was leave!
Final Host Segment: Robert Lippert movies and the Theremin. I like Servo trying to gently tell Joel to turn the Theremin off…and Joel waltzing with it. And the bots read a letter where some people rate them. Imagine that!
Stinger: Chemist screams as doctor stumbles and falls. Now this is a pretty funny stinger; odd and off kilter and funny in and of itself. Good choice!
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. King Dinosaur
10. Jungle Goddess
11. Wild Rebels
12. The Corpse Vanishes
13. Ring of Terror
14. Untamed Youth
15. The Slime People
16. Project Moonbase
17. The Sidehackers
18. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
19. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
20. Hellcats
21. Rocket Attack USA
22. Robot Holocaust
23. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Great riffing, the first classic short, and an amusingly stupid film make for a good episode marred by some lame host segments.
Final Rating: 7/10.
The story is that a new planet has been discovered, dubbed ‘Planet Nova’ (why does no movie keep with the established convention of naming planets after classical deities?). Naturally, the government decides to send a manned expedition of two couples; one blond, one brunette, consisting of male Zoologist and Doctor and female Chemist and Geologist. Once there, they find basically the same environment, only they claim it’s ‘younger’ than Earth. Not once do they express any surprise at the fact that all the life on Nova is exactly the same as that on Earth, with only a few embiggened varieties (such as a giant bug of some sort which just kind of shows up at one point).
Eventually, they explore a nearby island which they have been kind of obsessing over. They find some dinosaurs of the ‘stuff-glued-on-lizard’ type, led by an iguana which they try to claim as a T-Rex. There are a couple fights accomplished by throwing the iguana in with a caiman and then a monitor lizard and letting them go at it. Viewed from a modern perspective, this is pretty disturbing as the animals are clearly actually fighting and being injured in the name of this stupid little Saturday-matinee flick.
Anyway, so they escape the island and blow it up with an atomic bomb (which they had around just in case) for no reason whatsoever. Then they go home. That’s…really about it. Oh, and in between there’s some stuff with an alligator, a lemur, a snake, and the aforementioned giant bug. It doesn’t really come together; the actors just wander around some state park or another and occasionally shoot something or get attacked by something, then leave.
There are two major firsts in this episode; the most obvious is that it has the first of the educational shorts; ‘X Marks the Spot,’ a bizarre little film on driving safety where an absurdly bad driver named Joe Dokes dies in a crash and is being judged for whether he can survive based on his driving record (it apparently doesn’t matter whether you loved anyone or did good deeds, or anything like that). It’s a brilliantly riffed piece, and it seems something clicked in the minds of the Brains; from here on in, they would only do a few more serial shorts and one or two television episodes. Every other short they would do from here to the end of the series would be an educational or informative short of some sort. These will be frequently brilliantly riffed; classic little humor films of almost unmatched hilarity. The classic Mst3k shorts will become a staple of the series, and ‘X Marks the Spot’ is the beginning of that great tradition.
The second first is that this film is the first exposure to the work of Bert I. Gordon. Gordon would go on to be the most riffed director of the entire series, with eight films viewed by the Brains. Gordon was actually a semi-competent filmmaker and a true auteur; most of his films he wrote, produced, directed, and did the special effects for (usually from a garage studio with help from his wife). His specialty was enlarged creatures. His movies, while never particularly great, were frequently amusing and occasionally interesting. What I found most interesting about this episode, from the perspective of what is to come in the series, is how they focus more on Robert Lippert, the film’s producer (and producer of several previous films, including ‘Lost Continent,’ ‘Jungle Goddess,’ and ‘Rocketship XM’). It’s almost like reading an early comic book issue where the Joker is a supporting villain to the Clock King or something; soon Lippert will be almost forgotten and B.I.G. will be the Brains’ primary opponent.
Riffwise, the episode is very strong; there are frequent hilarious riffs on the slow pace, the brainless science, and the various animals. There are some dry stretches (par the course for season 2), but there are enough laugh-out-loud moments to counter them.
The host segments are more mixed: the invention exchange, particularly Dr. F’s being accidentally squashed by an elevator, is hilarious. The first segment is good too; with several great lines from Crow. The next two segments are less successful; the ‘Joey the Lemur’ sketch is so bizarre and incoherent that it’s become fairly infamous, and even gets mocked in a later season by the Brains themselves. The ‘emotional scientists’ bit didn’t do it for me either. The final segment is alright, though; Joel has some funny moments with a Theremin.
In the end, a great short and some great riffing make for a strong episode marred by some lame host segments.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Beat poetry on the Satellite of Love a rather amusing look at a truly lame type of poetry; I like the bots’ beards too.
Invention exchange: Some amusing bits from Dr. F. And a hilarious bit where Frank accidentally crushes Dr. F in the elevator. He’s now the pocket scientist! Joel has ‘incredibly stinky sweat socks.’ This is one of the funniest exchanges yet, despite not having any real inventions. Mostly Dr. F sells the show.
Short: Their first educational short!
Joel (on the credits): “Webber, the grill magnate.”
Open with a lethargic, elderly commissioner speaking to the audience.
Commissioner: “The loss of life…of a war worker means a definite set-back to our war program.”
Crow: “If you kill yourselves here, we can’t kill them over there.”
Commissioner (on accident victims): “Just once in a while they were careless, or inconsiderate…”
Crow: “Or they didn’t want to live in New Jersey anymore.”
And we switch narrators for the next part of the short.
We meet Joe Dokes; an absurdly bad driver.
Joel: “Hot dog! I got a date with death!”
Okay, even in the forties and even if he’s really mad, would anyone try to cross the street by opening the passenger door, crawling through the car, and out the other side? I can’t blame Joe for that.
Narrator: “Now, there was a street-intersection not far from where Joe lived…”
Crow: “Called ‘Blood Alley.’”
(Guy prepares for seeing the crash by shutting his eyes and putting his fingers in his ears)
Servo: “Well, I guess he can’t be a witness.”
And Joe’s dead and a ghost.
(hand taps Joe on the shoulder)
Crow: “Are you George Bailey? Oh, sorry, wrong film.”
Angel: “You used to know ‘em.”
Servo: “They’re your pallbearers now.”
And they go to see the Judge.
Crow (as Judge): “I’ll be with you in a moment, I’m just sealing some fates”
Servo: “Excuse me, uh, pardon me your…uh, Mr. God?”
Servo: “Dear diary; It’s hard being God…”
Joe: “Good-morning, sir.”
Judge: “There are no good mornings here.”
Servo: “I’ll decide if it’s a good morning or not!”
Judge: “You were born in New Jersey, eh?”
Crow: “I thought I smelled something.”
(Joe is begging to be spared)
Joe: “Besides, I’ve got almost a whole book of eight coupons left!”
Crow: “Oh, you should have presented those immediately upon ordering!”
Angel: “He was always sneaking up behind and scaring pedestrians…”
Joel: “Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed that.”
Judge: “That description fitted someone else I know. If you know who I mean…”
Crow: “Hitler? Nah, he drove a stick.”
Another ‘I’m huge’!
Angel: “After that I never any trouble with Joe around schools; he’d crawl by at a snail’s pace.”
Servo: “Nursing homes though, woah!”
Judge: “Did he ever drive when he’d been drinking?”
Joel: “Oh, boy, I need my other scroll for that; that’s a doozy.”
Judge: “I want the whole truth.”
Servo: “So help me, Me!”
Judge: “I have book-full of those ‘just a cock-tale or two’ drinkers.”
Servo: “Jerk wouldn’t let me in their club.”
Judge: “Was there any traffic rule he didn’t violate?”
Joe: “Yes sir, I never hit-and-run.”
Joel: “Oh, well that changes everything!”
Angel: “He’d weave through traffic like a mouse-through-a-maze.”
Servo: “Squeaking and calling himself ‘Algernon’.”
Angel: “He, uh, stayed up with a sick friend…”
Judge: “He what?”
Servo: “He got plowed, okay?”
Judge (indicating the camera): “I leave that to this jury of drivers and pedestrians.”
Servo: “Oh, guilty; hang him! String him up! And get the director too.”
Joel: “Oh, great, we’re stranded in space and we still have to pull jury duty.”
I like Crow really getting into it.
First Host Segment: Crow wonders if he’s qualified (based on the end of the short). It’s a great little speech which becomes semi-inspirational then goes off the rails. “Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look.” A great bit and a tour-de-force for Trace Beaulieu.
And Robert Lippert is back.
Also features the first appearance of filmmaking auteur Bert I. Gordon, who will direct more Mst3k’d movies than anyone else.
Narrator: “On April 23rd, the word to start comes from Washington.”
All: “Start!”
(on a shot of an observatory)
Servo: “Then the world’s largest roll-on deodorant was invented.”
(shot of a metal being tested and snapping)
Crow: “Oops.”
Narrator: “Switch on for jet-engine test number 87!”
Servo: “Oh, so the announcer is calling the shots now?”
Narrator: “There is no margin for error.”
Crow: “There is a margin for shame, however.”
So, the portal power plant is also a small nuclear weapon. Nope, this won’t come into play later.
Narrator: “Record every vibrating pulse”
All: “Ohhh yeah…!”
(on a shot of test mice)
Joel: “Hi. My name in Benji and I’m a pan-dimensional being.”
Ah, so ‘the mice weren’t killed in the test, everything’s ready for people!’
Narrator mispronounces ‘Zoology.’
(Zoologist looking over a fossilized skull)
Crow: “I’d say this patient is dead; I’m no expert, but…”
Oh, come on! That’s a V-2! You couldn’t fit one person in there, let alone four!
Narrator (on the physician): “With the experience of treating most diseases and fatalities that overtake men.”
(they don’t comment on that, but how do you ‘treat’ a fatality?)
They really seem to be flying by the seat of their pants here, kind of like in Rocketship XM.
(shot of two guys looking in some sort of device with eye-pieces pointed at each other)
Crow: “You look neat.”
Hilarious bit where the narrator counts down WAY too fast.
(the rocket sputters and doesn’t take off for a second)
Servo: “Maybe you should take your foot off the clutch!”
Really bad process shot of the rocket landing.
The planet really looks a LOT like Earth…(as in, they filmed in a convenient park and hand-waved an explanation)
Servo: “Guys, I think they landed in Wisconsin.”
You know, it would be really embarrassing for the first words on a new planet to be ‘we’re first.’ No duh, you’re first!
So, an active volcano means it’s a young world? How does that logic work?
Of course life as you know it can exist; you’re in a grassy field with trees right behind you!
Servo: “That’s patty-cake; it’s the international symbol for ‘off with your clothes.’”
And they’re paired off romantically already; whatever.
And they see some elk and bears; maybe this could also be evidence that ‘life as we know it can exist’!
They just leave their suits and equipment on the ground and go for a walk. Cause, you know, it’s not like anything could happen to it.
The instant someone mentions the island there’s a scare chord.
Doctor: “All they want in Washington are tests and samples…”
Servo: “An d a few neat souvenirs.”
And the women immediately decide to take a bath in the strange lake on the unknown planet!
Crow (on a cute sloth-thing): “I’m Chirpy, the mutant hell-beast, and I don’t like this film.”
The characters walk around some…
Zoologist (looking at a flock of birds): “It’s about three o’clock Earth time here…”
Servo: “Judging by those birds”
(on Zoologist giving an order)
Joel: “Besides, I decided that I’m the new god of this planet.”
(footage of a sloth)
Servo: “I symbolically represent the pace of this film.”
Servo: “They’re making pretty good time considering this is a Lippert film.”
(Cut them camping in a circle)
Crow: “and there on the handle was some stock-footage of a hook.”
So, I guess the geologist chick can tell the age of the planet from digging a bit in the field…
Chemist: “I’m scared to death and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”
Joel: “Thank you Mrs. Dedicated Scientist.”
Second Host Segment: Joey the Lemur. It’s a really weird sketch and Joel visibly struggles to remember his lines and flubs quite a few. It’s kind of bizarrely amusing (it has the overall feel of a fever dream). They mock this sketch several seasons down the line.
As they come back into the film, Joey attacks Servo.
(shot of a snake)
Joel: “Hi, remember me? I’m Satan; this is the first part of my three-picture development deal. We’ll be right back.”
Crow:” Shoot the snake, not the girl! On second thought…”
Oh, come on! Ms. Super-science panics when touched by a non-poisonous snake which he-man scientist then shoots twice with a rifle and decide that this means the place is getting too dangerous. Whatever.
(watching them build a lean-to)
Servo: “Why didn’t they use the tent they had in their back-packs?”
Joel: “Because they’re artists.”
Doctor is kind of gruff; at least geologist chick wanted to do something.
Doctor (to Zoologist): “Good-night old man.”
Servo: “I’m not old; I’m thirty-five. I could still take you, buddy.”
And chemist and doctor start making out. And they dump their watch to go make out. Yeah, the others won’t be killed in their sleep by anything on this hostile new prehistory planet!
(shot of an alligator)
Joel: “Hi, I couldn’t help noticing your suitcase and your shoes.”
And doctor starts fighting alligator while chemist stands there uselessly screaming.
Joel: “Sounds like an alligator mauling Bob!”
Inexplicable appearance by a giant beetle.
Crow: “I’m gonna need a bigger shoe…we’re gonna get a bigger shoe, right?”
And doctor shoots it.
Turns out they had left him alone with the chemist; I suspect the others were hoping they would both die (I know I was).
Chemist: “Relax…”
Crow: “Relax? There’s a bee the size of a moose over there and you want him to relax?”
And the Lemur shows up; actually named Joe. I think they just had a lemur around.
Geologist: “Who’s the cook tonight?”
Chemist: “I’ll do it.”
Crow: “How do you like your lemur?”
Geologists: “I think they’ve read too much science fiction; they all thought we’d meet some sort of super-race up here or something!”
Servo: “and all we’ve met are large, mutated animals!
Zoologist (to chemist): “You do whatever work you can around here.”
Crow: “Yeah, why don’t you practice screaming?”
(off-screen animal growl)
Crow: “Uh, good, but back of the throat; little higher.”
And the hideous beast that made that noise was…that python again. Come on!
Zoologist is too busy playing with the lemur to notice the huge snake wandering into their camp.
They do an odd, but funny little riff bit where Satan is the spokesman for Kraft cheese products…
So, they need to travel light, but they take the flippin’ lemur!?
Tell me those aren’t their space-suits still lying on the ground…
(film suddenly breaks and goes black)
Servo: “Cut! Cut!”
Crow: “I’ve gone blind!”
(rumblings are heard)
Geologist: “What’s that?”
Zoologist: “Just thunder.”
Servo: “Actually just jet noise; they’ll fix it in post.”
Man, Zoologist is mean! He just pulls Joe up roughly by the tale! What does Geologist see in him?
(Chemist looks through microscope)
Doctor: “Learn anything?”
Servo: “Yeah, you’re the father.”
Geologist:”What a desolate, forsaken place.”
Crow: “What a stilted, pretentious line.”
Joel (as Joe the lemur): “I’d really like to go back now; I think you’ll find only evil here. I bring a message from Gorgon, he tells you not to come here! Please! I abhor you! Please! Listen to the sacred writings I bring!”
And they find the giant iguana standing on its hind legs; the titular ‘King Dinosaur’. Whatever.
Crow (as the iguana): “Throw me the lemur, that’s all I want!”
Crow (as Iguana): “Before you take me into your heart I should mention I eat my young; did I mention that before?”
What our hero is going back for the frickin’ lemur! Look, I think the lemur can handle itself!
And he gets off-screen bitten.
Third Host Segment: Emotional Scientist. It falls apart. I love Servo as the director! But…Joel is kind of dreary here. It’s nothing special.
And here comes a caiman; there has to be a lizard fight. Which is again, pretty unpleasant considering they just throw the animals together and have them fight.
Servo (pan up the iguana): “Hey! Nastashia Kins…oh.”
(Another lizard shows up and perches on a rock)
Joel: “I’ll just watch from up here.”
Crow: “Who’s that?”
Servo: “That’s the ref.”
And Servo reuses that ‘gecko-Roman wrestling’ joke from Robot Monster.
The guys act appalled at the fight, as well they should.
Funny ‘Macbeth stage direction’ bit.
(seeing a flare)
Servo: “That means, lizard wrestling! Red flare at night, lizards fight, red flare in the morning, lizards take warning!”
And they edit it so that it looks like the iguana won.
They actually do a little discussion on their own riffing; kind of rare to hear them do that.
Crow: “Will you guys knock it off? I can’t concentrate on my own lame wise-cracks!”
Joel (as caiman): “I might be dead, but I won on points.”
And the Iguana immediately goes back to attacking the humans, even when he has a big, juicy, dead caiman to munch on!
Crow: “Don’t think I forgot about you! I gave you half-an-hour to escape and what do you do? You stay here. Fine!”
And the other two come after them.
Zoologist (on the iguana): “It resembles the tyrannosaurus Rex of Earth’s prehistoric age.”
Servo: “No it doesn’t!”
Crow: “Sorry, no way!”
Servo: “It’s a lizard from ‘Pet World’!”
Zoologist: “It’s just like living in the past.”
Crow: “It’s an iguana!”
Oh, and a monitor lizard; great.
Uh, the Iguana’s gone; maybe you should try to escape!
Chemist: “Oh what is it!?”
Crow: “IT’S AN IGUANA!”
So, the chemist and doctor come to rescue the others and decide that ‘they have to come to us’ great rescue attempt guys! I don’t know what we would’ve done without you!
And now they run! Delayed-action fight-or-flight.
Joel (as the victorious iguana): “Alright; now that that’s done I’m coming for Lippert. Pay-back time!”
Doctor: “I brought the atom bomb; I think it’s a good time to use it.”
Servo: “Oh, that’s your answer to everything! Just use the atom bomb!”
By the way, apart from killing, what is the point of nuking the island? What, are they afraid the iguana’s gonna retaliate against Earth or something?
Doctor (on the A-Bomb): “It’s set for eight o’clock.”
Servo: “Right now it’s…thirty-seconds to eight! Ahh!”
Oh, and they run into an armadillo and start shooting at it.
Servo: “Oh, what did he ever do!?”
And random shots of buffalo and a wooly mammoth. (the shag-carpeting can be seen coming off the elephant’s trunk).
Servo: “You know, I think the film on this lake is better than the film we’re watching!”
(on the nuclear blast)
Crow: “It looks like the beginning of ‘Petticoat Junction;’ Petticoat Armageddon.”
Crow (on the lemur): “Thanks for annihilating everything I know!”
Servo: “And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery-death in the sky, they went home.”
I must reiterate how utterly pointless the entire ‘use the atom bomb’ thing was. All they had to do was leave!
Final Host Segment: Robert Lippert movies and the Theremin. I like Servo trying to gently tell Joel to turn the Theremin off…and Joel waltzing with it. And the bots read a letter where some people rate them. Imagine that!
Stinger: Chemist screams as doctor stumbles and falls. Now this is a pretty funny stinger; odd and off kilter and funny in and of itself. Good choice!
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. King Dinosaur
10. Jungle Goddess
11. Wild Rebels
12. The Corpse Vanishes
13. Ring of Terror
14. Untamed Youth
15. The Slime People
16. Project Moonbase
17. The Sidehackers
18. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
19. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
20. Hellcats
21. Rocket Attack USA
22. Robot Holocaust
23. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Great riffing, the first classic short, and an amusingly stupid film make for a good episode marred by some lame host segments.
Final Rating: 7/10.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
A Commentary on WALL-E
Note: This is an article I wrote for the school newspaper, which I thought I'd share here.
WALL-E is one of my all-time favorite movies. It’s so much more than a delightful animated fable about a robot in love; it’s a beautiful meditation on the meaning of humanity.
WALL-E is a satire which contrasts the world of mass-consumerism, cell-phones, and hygienic-obsession with the world of nick-knack collections, dancing, musicals, and romance. It comes off almost as an origin film of sorts for humanity, where a comatose human-spirit reawakens through its interactions with a romantic little robot who is perhaps the most human character ever portrayed on screen.
We first meet WALL-E on a devastated Earth, where he cleans up the mountains of trash. He collects the interesting bits of trash and keeps them in the abandoned truck that is his home; a Rubik’s-Cube, a ring-box (he throws the ring away), a fine collection of plastic silver-ware, and a partial copy of ‘Hello Dolly,’ which he watches obsessively and hums the songs as he works. He is curious and playful; he admires beauty, as seen when he stares transfixed at the stars which peek through the cloud-covered sky, but he does not let any of these distractions take over his life; a movie, games, and toys are part of his life, not his whole life. What his life is is something more than the sum of its parts; it is uniquely him.
Despite having a pet cockroach for a companion, however, he is lonely; as a person, he feels the need to be with another person. The chance for this occurs when a spaceship drops off the sleek probe-droid, EVE, with whom WALL-E falls in love with at first sight. What follows is a beautiful sequence where he tries to work up the nerve to approach her, then to get her to notice him, and finally to guard and revive her after something causes her to shut down).
WALL-E‘s love for EVE soon takes him far from home, to where the remnants of humanity…well, live isn’t the right word; exist is more appropriate. There they have become a society of grotesque couch potatoes, where two men can be right next to each other but talk via cell-phone. From here, WALL-E’s presence begins slowly, almost imperceptibly, to revive the comatose human spirit. A hygienically-obsessed robot jumps off its sterile track, another robot discovers how to wave, the captain feels dirt for the first time and begins obsessively researching the Earth (which he acknowledges as his home, although he has never seen it), and in a heart-breakingly beautiful sequence, WALL-E and EVE dance (and kiss) among the stars, causing two humans to touch for the first time…
Curiosity, playfulness, love; toys, movies, pets, kissing, dancing, holding hands…these are the things humans do. Humans laugh, they admire beauty, they crave companionship, they take the time to enjoy life. But this is not all; WALL-E demonstrates that, along with all this, humans make sacrifices, they act selflessly and bravely, and when they have to, they fight. As the film progresses it becomes more and more necessary for WALL-E and EVE to show courage and make difficult decisions. This is painfully shown when WALL-E defies the malevolent autopilot, a far more powerful and advanced machine, and even though he pays the inevitable consequences, he succeeds in his task. Not long afterwards, EVE has to decide whether to save WALL-E or a mass of humans, and although it breaks her heart, she makes the right decision. Meanwhile, the captain wrestles with the autopilot for humanity’s future. While all this is going on, a damaged WALL-E struggles to literally bear the fate of the world upon his shoulders, even though the effort breaks him.
In the end, WALL-E’s thesis is that humans belong on Earth, their home. They dance, they play, they care for living things, they kiss, they splash in pools, sing, admire sunsets, work, farm, recognize beauty, care for each other, make sacrifices, fight, stand on their own feet, watch movies and above all, they love.
WALL-E is one of my all-time favorite movies. It’s so much more than a delightful animated fable about a robot in love; it’s a beautiful meditation on the meaning of humanity.
WALL-E is a satire which contrasts the world of mass-consumerism, cell-phones, and hygienic-obsession with the world of nick-knack collections, dancing, musicals, and romance. It comes off almost as an origin film of sorts for humanity, where a comatose human-spirit reawakens through its interactions with a romantic little robot who is perhaps the most human character ever portrayed on screen.
We first meet WALL-E on a devastated Earth, where he cleans up the mountains of trash. He collects the interesting bits of trash and keeps them in the abandoned truck that is his home; a Rubik’s-Cube, a ring-box (he throws the ring away), a fine collection of plastic silver-ware, and a partial copy of ‘Hello Dolly,’ which he watches obsessively and hums the songs as he works. He is curious and playful; he admires beauty, as seen when he stares transfixed at the stars which peek through the cloud-covered sky, but he does not let any of these distractions take over his life; a movie, games, and toys are part of his life, not his whole life. What his life is is something more than the sum of its parts; it is uniquely him.
Despite having a pet cockroach for a companion, however, he is lonely; as a person, he feels the need to be with another person. The chance for this occurs when a spaceship drops off the sleek probe-droid, EVE, with whom WALL-E falls in love with at first sight. What follows is a beautiful sequence where he tries to work up the nerve to approach her, then to get her to notice him, and finally to guard and revive her after something causes her to shut down).
WALL-E‘s love for EVE soon takes him far from home, to where the remnants of humanity…well, live isn’t the right word; exist is more appropriate. There they have become a society of grotesque couch potatoes, where two men can be right next to each other but talk via cell-phone. From here, WALL-E’s presence begins slowly, almost imperceptibly, to revive the comatose human spirit. A hygienically-obsessed robot jumps off its sterile track, another robot discovers how to wave, the captain feels dirt for the first time and begins obsessively researching the Earth (which he acknowledges as his home, although he has never seen it), and in a heart-breakingly beautiful sequence, WALL-E and EVE dance (and kiss) among the stars, causing two humans to touch for the first time…
Curiosity, playfulness, love; toys, movies, pets, kissing, dancing, holding hands…these are the things humans do. Humans laugh, they admire beauty, they crave companionship, they take the time to enjoy life. But this is not all; WALL-E demonstrates that, along with all this, humans make sacrifices, they act selflessly and bravely, and when they have to, they fight. As the film progresses it becomes more and more necessary for WALL-E and EVE to show courage and make difficult decisions. This is painfully shown when WALL-E defies the malevolent autopilot, a far more powerful and advanced machine, and even though he pays the inevitable consequences, he succeeds in his task. Not long afterwards, EVE has to decide whether to save WALL-E or a mass of humans, and although it breaks her heart, she makes the right decision. Meanwhile, the captain wrestles with the autopilot for humanity’s future. While all this is going on, a damaged WALL-E struggles to literally bear the fate of the world upon his shoulders, even though the effort breaks him.
In the end, WALL-E’s thesis is that humans belong on Earth, their home. They dance, they play, they care for living things, they kiss, they splash in pools, sing, admire sunsets, work, farm, recognize beauty, care for each other, make sacrifices, fight, stand on their own feet, watch movies and above all, they love.
MST3K: Episode 209 – The Hellcats
In the Episode Guide it’s explained that most of the writing staff was out of town for this episode, and it really shows. This is one of the weakest episodes of the entire series, with sparse riffing, a horrible movie, and host segments that make it very clear that they didn’t know what to do this time.
The movie is another Ross Hagen vehicle (the star of Sidehackers; not a good sign). He plays both a cop and the cop’s identical brother. The cop gets shot by some drug dealers, so his brother comes in to investigate. The brother and the cop’s fiancée infiltrate a biker gang which gets its drugs from the dealers, there’s a LONG, pointless middle section of them living in the gang and mumbling plot points which are impossible to catch (the sound is atrocious in this movie). Finally, Ross and the gang attack the bad guys for some reason and the movie ends. So, basically it’s a plotless excuse to spend time with a sixties biker gang; not my idea of a good time at the movies.
Riff wise, the episode is pretty sparse. Oh, there are some good ones; giving names to the bikers, bemoaning the plotless nature of the proceedings, and some good riffs on the general stupidity of the bikers, but they come pretty slowly. Plus there are a few jokes that they latch on to and keep riding, despite the fact that they’re not very funny; like an extended ‘kooky the clown’ gag that continues through several different scenes without eliciting more than a chuckle or two.
The host-segments are all flash-backs to previous host segments. There are some decent bits of the bots writing in their diaries, but otherwise they’re flat failures. They don’t even pretend that they have anything to do with anything.
So, all in all, a very weak episode featuring one of my least favorite genres. Not recommended.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: The Satellite of Love crew are all sick. Amusing, with a very funny bit involving Servo at the end.
Invention Exchange: the Mads are riding their hobby hogs from two episodes again. Joel finally gets to show his invention from last time; a sign-language translator. It’s kind of amusing, has a call-back to ‘Sidehackers,’ and is a pretty cool little effect.
Crow (seeing a funeral procession approaching a prepared grave): “Hey, there’s a good space!”
Servo (they drape a coat on the coffin): “Uh, kind of late with that jacket, aren’t you?”
(A couple of cops give obvious exposition)
Joel: “What is this, Sergeant Exposition and Detective Plot-Point?”
Mobster: “For the last six months he’s been like my shadow.”
Crow: “But not as chunky.”
Mobster: “The next pick up’s tomorrow at Scorpio’s”
Servo: “Tell Scorpio to use his code-name.”
Credits…hey! Anthony Cardoza! He’s gonna show up down the way in the infamous Colman Francis Trilogy.
And Ross Hagen is our lead again (from Sidehackers).
Joel and Crow start arguing over the bands and Joel threatens to shut him down!
Man, Joel is kind of mean here.
(seeing it’s directed by Robert Slatzer)
Joel: “Oh, if this is a Slatzer film it might get really bloody.”
Servo: “Scenic Love Canal!”
Servo: “Hellcats; terrorizing the desolate wastelands for over half a century.”
Crow (as biker): “Remember, we’ve got bridge-club at four!”
Biker gives really bad read.
Joel (on biker): “I’m a stranger to my own soul.”
(Biker chick goes up to a car full of mobsters and a dog)
Mobster: “You’re late.”
Servo: “Don Fido is mad.”
(Red car with blonds parks)
Crow: “Let’s park the Barbie-mobile right here.”
(Black car with mobsters parks)
Servo: “Let’s park the Gangster-mobile right here.”
Blond: “You’re beginning to feel more like a junkie than a narco-cop.”
Joel: “You’re not supposed to take them, just confiscate them.”
Okay, mobsters are trying to snipe Ross Hagen…
Servo: “Steve’s dead now. From now on, Steve’s death will be represented by the oboe.”
Okay, from what we saw there is no way he could have fallen in the position he’s shown; he’s lying flat across the front seat.
Anyway, his identical brother now shows up to help.
Joel: “Whenever a brother dies they fly me in for free, I like to take advantage.”
Crow: “Then came moron.”
Random cut to a couple on a motorcycle…I think they might be the brother and the blond…
Crow: “Joel, what are these movies trying to teach us about life?”
Joel: “Well, that we’re born, we die, and there’s a lot of padding in between.”
(a guy lays with his head under a bear skin)
Servo: “Woah, what happened to his head?”
(Ross walks in an gets sprayed with beer)
Drunk guy: “Let me buy you a beer.”
Servo: “You already did.”
Drunk: “Where you from.”
Servo: “Sidehackers.”
I agree with Crow: I cannot understand a word Ross is saying.
First host segment: Servo flashes back to a host segment from ‘The Crawling Hand.’ He comments that it’s before his voice changed. It wasn’t a great host segment to begin with and there’s nothing to gain from viewing it again. There are some funny bits of Servo wrestling with his voice-controlled typewriter.
Oh, no; musical/dance number!
(riffing on the different characters seen briefly during the dance scene).
Servo: “Susie; dead at 21”
Joel: “Kipper; sells lightly-salted meat products.”
Crow: “Slugger: Found dead with Coors party-ball lodged in throat.”
Joel: “Spazzy: broken neck shortly after the filming of this movie.”
Servo: “Squatter; too a baseball to the head in the third inning of an Angels game.”
Crow: “And a man so mean he once shot himself just for snoring too loud.”
I’m willing to bet everyone involved was drunk and/or stoned during the filming of this scene.
My God! I hate this song!
(Drunks swarm a passed-out guy)
Servo: “Oh, hey guys, don’t eat him!”
Servo: “Here are the Manson family home videos.”
‘Horny Heiny’ (the passed-out druggy) will be called back several times in the future.
Crow: “Great way to ruin a party. I hate it when people OD!”
(a well-dressed man enters the biker bar)
Servo: “I’ll just blend in with the crowd here. Fortunately, I’m wild on the inside; I don’t need these hippy threads.”
Joel (on the same guy): “Uh, so this isn’t a meeting of the young republicans?”
Another call-back to Wild Rebels.
Suited Guy (to girl): “When are we gonna get together?”
Girl: “Never.”
Servo: “Great, I’m free then!”
(as the bar starts cheering for some reason)
Servo: “Scenes over, that’s a wrap, thank you everyone!”
And we cut to a semi-nude model and a painter. No, I don’t know why.
Bikers show up to manhandle the artist.
And it’s implied they rape the model. Nice.
Joel: “Jeeze, they’re too cheap to show a location shot; they just show a poster.”
And we cut to the biker’s picnic. Why they had that last scene, I still don’t know.
They mob a white truck that just randomly shows up.
Joel: “Burn the Good-Humor man! He’s out of cream-sickles!”
(on the bad song playing)
Crow: “’Mass Confusion,’ they’re talking about the plot of the film.”
(On a guy upside down in a trash can)
Crow: “That guy’s trashed.”
Servo: “No, he’s just looking for the script.”
So, why do people like the sixties?
(on Ross)
Servo: “Where do you want to be in two years?”
Crow: “Sidehackers 2?”
Guy: “Everything’s a big zero.”
Crow: “He must be their accountant.”
And more bikers show up; must be a different gang.
Hey, is that the first example of the perennial favorite ‘I’m Huge’ gag?
(on a guy dressed as a Nazi soldier.)
Crow: “I’m not supposed to be in this film; they lose me after the bunker sequence.”
(on the scene)
Servo: “Okay, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?”
Oh, my God! There’s a motorcycle race going on, but they don’t show it! They just show people watching it!
Second Host segment: Crow’s flashback; he used a tape recorder (which he apparently had previously used to record a ‘Hellcats’ song). He flashes back to the zero gravity demonstration from ‘Rocketship XM’. It’s a decent sketch, but again, we don’t need the flashback (although I just noticed that Joel has his lines written on the back of the sheets?)
And the race is over…and they start fighting. At least they show this.
Crow: “Oh, I get it, it’s a triathlon! Bike race, knife fight, beer guzzling.”
(on the bikers fighting with chains)
Crow: “These are the chains I forged in life.”
Crow: “Kill him! Kill everybody!”
Servo: “Cast, crew, everybody.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Okay, Ross breaks up the fight, then…somehow gets in a fight with another guy, which they settle in a particularly stupid way; they take turns being tied between two bikes and holding on as long as they can.
(as the crowd counts off the seconds the guy holds on)
Servo: “Oh, they’re counting how long he’s getting in feet.”
And the guy loses his grip and the bike drives off with him.
Crow (as Ross): “Well, I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from that.”
Crow: “Oh, no! He’s backing up; how horrible! Uh, the humanity”
Servo: “Oh, my lord, it’s just his legs!”
Crow: “Oh, great Ross, take your jacket off; you wouldn’t want anything thick and leathery between you and the road.”
And of course, Ross wins, and another five minutes of our lives are gone.
And biker chick starts making out with Ross.
Crow: “Congratulations, you are now officially white trash.”
And Ross and biker-chick have sex out in the open on a make-shift mattress. Great.
Crow: “Does this mean you have to do something really stupid to get the girl?”
Joel: “Yep.”
Pointless bit where biker gets fresh with heroine, she beats him up, the end.
Long stretch with nothing much to comment on; heroine is mad at Ross for the aforementioned sex; despite the fact that she was supposed to be in love with his brother, not him (I guess the fact that they look exactly the freaking same has something to do with it).
Servo: “You know, mixing dice with chess really speeds up the game.”
Biker chicks and heroine pick up drugs from random oily guys.
Biker chicks get chased by policeman, one crashes and dies. Great, I don’t care! Just get on with it!
Anyway, this causes some problems, blah blah blah.
They do an extended ‘Kooky the Clown’ bit, which really isn’t that great.
(extend shot of biker-chick riding)
Crow: “Oh, great, you’re riding your bike, we get the point!”
Okay, heroine and biker chick go to bad-guy headquarters (the mobsters, remember? No? Never mind), get captured, as does Ross.
Servo (singing): “Budabadubuhbuh! You’re chick was killed! You’re chick was killed!”
Third Host Segment: Joel’s flashback; he’s writing a letter to ‘Sandy’ (?). He flashes back to the ‘scope’ sketch from Jungle Goddess. Fortunately it’s a pretty good sketch (“I am an ameba”).
Back to the movie, where Ross is getting beaten up by the bad guys (the head baddy is especially stiff).
Head Baddy: “Here’s the apartment key.”
Crow: “Tell Jack Lemon and Shirley McClain I want ‘em out!”
(shot of a tied-up Ross at an odd-angle)
Crow: “Oh, my God, his head is gone!”
Oh, come on! The bad guys leave an electric cutter right next to our tied up heroes?
Joel: “Now, I’m gonna have to cut your hand off, so it might hurt. Which one do you write with?”
Ross quickly beats up bad-guys, until head baddy pulls out a gun.
Biker chick calls gang to come help.
Do the filmmakers realize that wrapping a belt around someone’s wrist does not prevent them from pulling the trigger? Apparently not.
What the freaking hell!? We randomly cut to a blond in a dress dancing in front of a mirror!
(Guy walks in on blond)
Servo: “Uh, ma’am, I believe this is my hotel room.”
And guy strangles here. No idea what this all was about.
Bad guy: “Let’s move.”
Crow: “Like you’ve never moved before; even slower!”
Bad guys put Ross and heroine in shipping crate, prepare to flee to Tahiti.
Bikers show up.
Big extension cord right in the middle of the shot!
And Bikers dog-pile bad guys, rescue Ross and heroine.
Servo: “Hey! Kill that guy, he’s the director; get him!”
(yes it, really is the director as a bad guy)
(Ross beats up director-as-bad-guy)
Joel: “And that’s for putting me in the movie!”
Heroine (on Ross’s bike): “What are you going to do with that thing?”
Crow: “Make a lamp out of it.”
And it’s implied that Ross has come to enjoy the biker lifestyle. And really, who wouldn’t? I mean, unless you’ve got a shred of common-sense, dignity, or moral-fiber?
Final Host Segment: Gypsy’s diary. She’s regressed a bit; more cow-like again. They discuss diaries and read a letter (it’s rather prophetic, predicting that they might soon have to watch Italian films). And a rather amusing bit with Frank at the end.
Stinger: Unintelligible trumpeter (this was cut from the version I watched, I’m afraid; from what I remember from the movie, it certainly was an odd bit, so I’ll give them points for that).
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Hellcats
20. Rocket Attack USA
21. Robot Holocaust
22. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Very bad movie in a genre I don’t like, weak riffing and weaker host segments make for a pretty weak episode.
Final Rating: 4/10.
The movie is another Ross Hagen vehicle (the star of Sidehackers; not a good sign). He plays both a cop and the cop’s identical brother. The cop gets shot by some drug dealers, so his brother comes in to investigate. The brother and the cop’s fiancée infiltrate a biker gang which gets its drugs from the dealers, there’s a LONG, pointless middle section of them living in the gang and mumbling plot points which are impossible to catch (the sound is atrocious in this movie). Finally, Ross and the gang attack the bad guys for some reason and the movie ends. So, basically it’s a plotless excuse to spend time with a sixties biker gang; not my idea of a good time at the movies.
Riff wise, the episode is pretty sparse. Oh, there are some good ones; giving names to the bikers, bemoaning the plotless nature of the proceedings, and some good riffs on the general stupidity of the bikers, but they come pretty slowly. Plus there are a few jokes that they latch on to and keep riding, despite the fact that they’re not very funny; like an extended ‘kooky the clown’ gag that continues through several different scenes without eliciting more than a chuckle or two.
The host-segments are all flash-backs to previous host segments. There are some decent bits of the bots writing in their diaries, but otherwise they’re flat failures. They don’t even pretend that they have anything to do with anything.
So, all in all, a very weak episode featuring one of my least favorite genres. Not recommended.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: The Satellite of Love crew are all sick. Amusing, with a very funny bit involving Servo at the end.
Invention Exchange: the Mads are riding their hobby hogs from two episodes again. Joel finally gets to show his invention from last time; a sign-language translator. It’s kind of amusing, has a call-back to ‘Sidehackers,’ and is a pretty cool little effect.
Crow (seeing a funeral procession approaching a prepared grave): “Hey, there’s a good space!”
Servo (they drape a coat on the coffin): “Uh, kind of late with that jacket, aren’t you?”
(A couple of cops give obvious exposition)
Joel: “What is this, Sergeant Exposition and Detective Plot-Point?”
Mobster: “For the last six months he’s been like my shadow.”
Crow: “But not as chunky.”
Mobster: “The next pick up’s tomorrow at Scorpio’s”
Servo: “Tell Scorpio to use his code-name.”
Credits…hey! Anthony Cardoza! He’s gonna show up down the way in the infamous Colman Francis Trilogy.
And Ross Hagen is our lead again (from Sidehackers).
Joel and Crow start arguing over the bands and Joel threatens to shut him down!
Man, Joel is kind of mean here.
(seeing it’s directed by Robert Slatzer)
Joel: “Oh, if this is a Slatzer film it might get really bloody.”
Servo: “Scenic Love Canal!”
Servo: “Hellcats; terrorizing the desolate wastelands for over half a century.”
Crow (as biker): “Remember, we’ve got bridge-club at four!”
Biker gives really bad read.
Joel (on biker): “I’m a stranger to my own soul.”
(Biker chick goes up to a car full of mobsters and a dog)
Mobster: “You’re late.”
Servo: “Don Fido is mad.”
(Red car with blonds parks)
Crow: “Let’s park the Barbie-mobile right here.”
(Black car with mobsters parks)
Servo: “Let’s park the Gangster-mobile right here.”
Blond: “You’re beginning to feel more like a junkie than a narco-cop.”
Joel: “You’re not supposed to take them, just confiscate them.”
Okay, mobsters are trying to snipe Ross Hagen…
Servo: “Steve’s dead now. From now on, Steve’s death will be represented by the oboe.”
Okay, from what we saw there is no way he could have fallen in the position he’s shown; he’s lying flat across the front seat.
Anyway, his identical brother now shows up to help.
Joel: “Whenever a brother dies they fly me in for free, I like to take advantage.”
Crow: “Then came moron.”
Random cut to a couple on a motorcycle…I think they might be the brother and the blond…
Crow: “Joel, what are these movies trying to teach us about life?”
Joel: “Well, that we’re born, we die, and there’s a lot of padding in between.”
(a guy lays with his head under a bear skin)
Servo: “Woah, what happened to his head?”
(Ross walks in an gets sprayed with beer)
Drunk guy: “Let me buy you a beer.”
Servo: “You already did.”
Drunk: “Where you from.”
Servo: “Sidehackers.”
I agree with Crow: I cannot understand a word Ross is saying.
First host segment: Servo flashes back to a host segment from ‘The Crawling Hand.’ He comments that it’s before his voice changed. It wasn’t a great host segment to begin with and there’s nothing to gain from viewing it again. There are some funny bits of Servo wrestling with his voice-controlled typewriter.
Oh, no; musical/dance number!
(riffing on the different characters seen briefly during the dance scene).
Servo: “Susie; dead at 21”
Joel: “Kipper; sells lightly-salted meat products.”
Crow: “Slugger: Found dead with Coors party-ball lodged in throat.”
Joel: “Spazzy: broken neck shortly after the filming of this movie.”
Servo: “Squatter; too a baseball to the head in the third inning of an Angels game.”
Crow: “And a man so mean he once shot himself just for snoring too loud.”
I’m willing to bet everyone involved was drunk and/or stoned during the filming of this scene.
My God! I hate this song!
(Drunks swarm a passed-out guy)
Servo: “Oh, hey guys, don’t eat him!”
Servo: “Here are the Manson family home videos.”
‘Horny Heiny’ (the passed-out druggy) will be called back several times in the future.
Crow: “Great way to ruin a party. I hate it when people OD!”
(a well-dressed man enters the biker bar)
Servo: “I’ll just blend in with the crowd here. Fortunately, I’m wild on the inside; I don’t need these hippy threads.”
Joel (on the same guy): “Uh, so this isn’t a meeting of the young republicans?”
Another call-back to Wild Rebels.
Suited Guy (to girl): “When are we gonna get together?”
Girl: “Never.”
Servo: “Great, I’m free then!”
(as the bar starts cheering for some reason)
Servo: “Scenes over, that’s a wrap, thank you everyone!”
And we cut to a semi-nude model and a painter. No, I don’t know why.
Bikers show up to manhandle the artist.
And it’s implied they rape the model. Nice.
Joel: “Jeeze, they’re too cheap to show a location shot; they just show a poster.”
And we cut to the biker’s picnic. Why they had that last scene, I still don’t know.
They mob a white truck that just randomly shows up.
Joel: “Burn the Good-Humor man! He’s out of cream-sickles!”
(on the bad song playing)
Crow: “’Mass Confusion,’ they’re talking about the plot of the film.”
(On a guy upside down in a trash can)
Crow: “That guy’s trashed.”
Servo: “No, he’s just looking for the script.”
So, why do people like the sixties?
(on Ross)
Servo: “Where do you want to be in two years?”
Crow: “Sidehackers 2?”
Guy: “Everything’s a big zero.”
Crow: “He must be their accountant.”
And more bikers show up; must be a different gang.
Hey, is that the first example of the perennial favorite ‘I’m Huge’ gag?
(on a guy dressed as a Nazi soldier.)
Crow: “I’m not supposed to be in this film; they lose me after the bunker sequence.”
(on the scene)
Servo: “Okay, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?”
Oh, my God! There’s a motorcycle race going on, but they don’t show it! They just show people watching it!
Second Host segment: Crow’s flashback; he used a tape recorder (which he apparently had previously used to record a ‘Hellcats’ song). He flashes back to the zero gravity demonstration from ‘Rocketship XM’. It’s a decent sketch, but again, we don’t need the flashback (although I just noticed that Joel has his lines written on the back of the sheets?)
And the race is over…and they start fighting. At least they show this.
Crow: “Oh, I get it, it’s a triathlon! Bike race, knife fight, beer guzzling.”
(on the bikers fighting with chains)
Crow: “These are the chains I forged in life.”
Crow: “Kill him! Kill everybody!”
Servo: “Cast, crew, everybody.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Okay, Ross breaks up the fight, then…somehow gets in a fight with another guy, which they settle in a particularly stupid way; they take turns being tied between two bikes and holding on as long as they can.
(as the crowd counts off the seconds the guy holds on)
Servo: “Oh, they’re counting how long he’s getting in feet.”
And the guy loses his grip and the bike drives off with him.
Crow (as Ross): “Well, I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from that.”
Crow: “Oh, no! He’s backing up; how horrible! Uh, the humanity”
Servo: “Oh, my lord, it’s just his legs!”
Crow: “Oh, great Ross, take your jacket off; you wouldn’t want anything thick and leathery between you and the road.”
And of course, Ross wins, and another five minutes of our lives are gone.
And biker chick starts making out with Ross.
Crow: “Congratulations, you are now officially white trash.”
And Ross and biker-chick have sex out in the open on a make-shift mattress. Great.
Crow: “Does this mean you have to do something really stupid to get the girl?”
Joel: “Yep.”
Pointless bit where biker gets fresh with heroine, she beats him up, the end.
Long stretch with nothing much to comment on; heroine is mad at Ross for the aforementioned sex; despite the fact that she was supposed to be in love with his brother, not him (I guess the fact that they look exactly the freaking same has something to do with it).
Servo: “You know, mixing dice with chess really speeds up the game.”
Biker chicks and heroine pick up drugs from random oily guys.
Biker chicks get chased by policeman, one crashes and dies. Great, I don’t care! Just get on with it!
Anyway, this causes some problems, blah blah blah.
They do an extended ‘Kooky the Clown’ bit, which really isn’t that great.
(extend shot of biker-chick riding)
Crow: “Oh, great, you’re riding your bike, we get the point!”
Okay, heroine and biker chick go to bad-guy headquarters (the mobsters, remember? No? Never mind), get captured, as does Ross.
Servo (singing): “Budabadubuhbuh! You’re chick was killed! You’re chick was killed!”
Third Host Segment: Joel’s flashback; he’s writing a letter to ‘Sandy’ (?). He flashes back to the ‘scope’ sketch from Jungle Goddess. Fortunately it’s a pretty good sketch (“I am an ameba”).
Back to the movie, where Ross is getting beaten up by the bad guys (the head baddy is especially stiff).
Head Baddy: “Here’s the apartment key.”
Crow: “Tell Jack Lemon and Shirley McClain I want ‘em out!”
(shot of a tied-up Ross at an odd-angle)
Crow: “Oh, my God, his head is gone!”
Oh, come on! The bad guys leave an electric cutter right next to our tied up heroes?
Joel: “Now, I’m gonna have to cut your hand off, so it might hurt. Which one do you write with?”
Ross quickly beats up bad-guys, until head baddy pulls out a gun.
Biker chick calls gang to come help.
Do the filmmakers realize that wrapping a belt around someone’s wrist does not prevent them from pulling the trigger? Apparently not.
What the freaking hell!? We randomly cut to a blond in a dress dancing in front of a mirror!
(Guy walks in on blond)
Servo: “Uh, ma’am, I believe this is my hotel room.”
And guy strangles here. No idea what this all was about.
Bad guy: “Let’s move.”
Crow: “Like you’ve never moved before; even slower!”
Bad guys put Ross and heroine in shipping crate, prepare to flee to Tahiti.
Bikers show up.
Big extension cord right in the middle of the shot!
And Bikers dog-pile bad guys, rescue Ross and heroine.
Servo: “Hey! Kill that guy, he’s the director; get him!”
(yes it, really is the director as a bad guy)
(Ross beats up director-as-bad-guy)
Joel: “And that’s for putting me in the movie!”
Heroine (on Ross’s bike): “What are you going to do with that thing?”
Crow: “Make a lamp out of it.”
And it’s implied that Ross has come to enjoy the biker lifestyle. And really, who wouldn’t? I mean, unless you’ve got a shred of common-sense, dignity, or moral-fiber?
Final Host Segment: Gypsy’s diary. She’s regressed a bit; more cow-like again. They discuss diaries and read a letter (it’s rather prophetic, predicting that they might soon have to watch Italian films). And a rather amusing bit with Frank at the end.
Stinger: Unintelligible trumpeter (this was cut from the version I watched, I’m afraid; from what I remember from the movie, it certainly was an odd bit, so I’ll give them points for that).
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Hellcats
20. Rocket Attack USA
21. Robot Holocaust
22. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Very bad movie in a genre I don’t like, weak riffing and weaker host segments make for a pretty weak episode.
Final Rating: 4/10.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
MST3K: Episode 208 – Lost Continent
This is one of the first episodes I ever saw and I’ve seen it over a dozen times since then. I hadn’t seen it all the way through in a long time, though, so this viewing was about as fresh as could be expected. Anyway, as you can probably tell, I really like this one; the movie is watchable, even good in parts (although not so much in others), the riffing is strong, and it contains an all-time classic host segment; what’s not to like?
The film is about a group of scientists who are testing a new type of rocket, which mysteriously fails to return as it was supposed to. Rather than waste the time and effort spent on it, they employ a couple of air force pilots to fly them out to where it crashed to look for it. However, when they get there they find the rocket crashed on an island, which they also crash on. As if that wasn’t enough, the rocket landed on top of a huge plateau in the middle of the island, which they dutifully climb, losing one of their number along the way (along with many viewers; this is an infamously long and boring sequence). At the top they find a jungle inhabited by dinosaurs; a few Triceratopses and a Brontosaurus, all of which are oddly cannibalistic. After some more searching and incident, they find the rocket, get the data they need, and lose their comic relief. They then start down, only to have the island start to erupt. They all make it to safety, though, and canoe away into the sunset.
Like I said, the film really isn’t all that bad; the effects are decent (stop-motion is always a plus) and there are some cool scenes, like a triceratops fight. The film boasts a really stellar cast for one of these things; Caesar Romero plays the pilot hero, Hugh Beaumont as a scientist, Whit Bissell as another scientist (the one who dies), Hilary Brooke, most famous as a co-star on the ‘Abbot and Costello Show,’ has a brief role, and Sid Melton is on hand as the comic relief mechanic. I’m also partial to Chic Chandler (who will show up in a short several seasons down the line) as the co-pilot and John Hoyt as the Russian scientist, Rostov, is, for me, the acting stand out; he really is genuinely good. Of course, all the actors are professionals and give solid performances (plus there’s the added bonus of seeing Hugh Beaumont – Ward Cleaver himself – in a dinosaur-adventure film).
The film’s main failing, really the only thing that keeps it from being a genuinely fun adventure flick, is the incredibly long, boring ‘rock climbing’ sequence; twenty minutes of watching six men climb a mountain. This goes on for so long that they apparently run out of music and a large stretch is completely silent! It’s a simply mind-numbing sequence which pretty much on its own justifies the film’s MST3king. For years ‘rock climbing’ will be their benchmark for film-watching horror.
Riffwise the episode is, as I said, very strong; plenty of quips about the cast (including a delightful series of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ references for Hugh), some hilarious expressions of agony during the rock-climbing sequence, and a few funny running gags, such as the ‘you ever fly one of these things?’ bit.
Host segment wise, we get a funny invention exchange, with Frank inventing a patently useless mobile-treadmill, the staircase, and the rowboat (I’ve heard a rumor that the mobile-treadmill is actually real now; I hope to God that’s not true). The stand out, though, is a simply hilarious segment where the satellite is visited by Hugh Beaumont, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (played by Mike Nelson). It’s a simply brilliant segment which only gets better if you’ve seen ‘Leave it to Beaver’; Mike makes a great Ward. The other segments are only okay; nothing too special. There’s an amusing-but-rather-annoyingly-preachy ‘explorers’ segment and a decent one about the ‘cool thing’ (hard to explain).
So, all in all, a classic episode, one of the highlights of Season Two for me.
Thoughts while watching:
Forgot to mention last time that Servo’s head was back to normal; the ‘haircut experiment didn’t work.
Opening: Coach Joel’s prep talk. It’s pretty funny, especially Servo as ‘super-destroyer.’ Also one of the few times they specifically mention recent episodes. Gypsy is also developing nicely; she’s much more like herself now, if not all the way.
Invention: I love Servo asking for ‘some arms that actually work.’ Mads: Frank gets to do the invention exchange. As usual, he fails; he develops a mobile treadmill; which is so hilariously pointless that you could actually see someone trying market it. It’s very amusing and he and Dr. F go on about the rock climbing in the movie. They don’t have time for Joel’s invention. We’ll see it next week.
Joel (seeing the title): “Lost Continent? I lost my keys once, but that’s ridiculous!”
Servo (seeing the smaller credits): “And all the insignificants.”
Another Sam Newfeld movie.
They react in dismay at the exterior footage of the military base, which, according to the IMDb, is stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM’.
Hey, more stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM!’
Servo (seeing Hugh Beaumont as a military scientist): “So, that’s what Ward does at the office.”
They do some funny riffs on the guys watching the bleeping screen.
Rostov: “What’s its rate of climb?”
Crow: “Two-thousand feet, mein fueher!”
(as things are going well)
Joel (as scientist): “Hello Nobel!”
Servo repeatedly does the line ‘Jane! Stop this crazy thing!’ what is that a reference to?
(as things start going wrong)
Crow (Dean Martin voice): “Hey, Jerry, there’s something wrong with the stock-footage simulator”
Radio Operator: “Hello Neptune, come in.”
Servo (deep voice): “This is Neptune; God of the Sea!”
Joel (as scientist): “Good-bye Nobel.”
Rostov: “Are you sure you haven’t miscalculated?”
Joel: “Oh, right, I’m the jerk; it couldn’t be your crappy rocket!”
Scientist: “Not good is it?”
Servo: “No, it’s not good!”
Scientist: “Gentlemen, you represent the armed forces, you know what this test means.”
Servo: “This mean we can kill stuff?”
Scientist: “Those hours represent a large portion of our nation’s security.”
Joel: “And I’m talking to you Bob!”
So they lost the rocket, now they have to look for it or bad things will happen.
Scientist: “Get me a line to the White House.”
Crow: “Oh, the White House! We’re all impressed.”
Cut to Caesar Romero with Hilary Brooke.
Hilary: “The boys you train to fly, what are they like?”
Servo: “Oh, they’re dead.”
Caesar: “Hey, you had me doing this same show the other night!”
Servo (as Hilary): “I just wanted to see if you had any new material.”
Hilary: “You were taking me up to the door to say good-night.”
Crow: “You tried to use me as a key.”
(Caesar looks through the records)
Servo: “Hey look; the Dead, Mel Tormei, hey, here’s one of mine! Huh?”
(as they dance)
Joel: “I lead; give to Caesar what is Caesar’s.”
Sergeant: “Pardon me ma’am, is major Nolan here?”
Servo (as Caesar): “Oh, is that who I am?”
Caesar: “What is it, sergeant?”
Crow: “My neck, sir; it’s fused to my spine. Ow, ow, ow!”
So, Caesar gets called back to duty.
You know, I’ve seen this episode about a dozen times at least and I only just now got the joke where the Sergeant hands Caesar his address book and comments that he’s ‘an awfully tough man to follow.’ Now that I get it, it’s really pretty funny.
Cut to Sid Melton talking to a plane. I must say, I find him a good deal funnier than the Brains seem to have.
Offscreen Voice: “Sergeant Tatlow.”
Servo: “Hey, it does talk!”
Cut to Chic Chandler putting away his coat and talking to someone off screen.
Joel: “Everyone talks to inanimate objects in this movie!”
Sergeant: “Lt. Wilson?”
Chic: “One L or two?”
Servo: “Uh, five.”
Chic: “We had to crash on an island that’s loaded with guerilla resistance.”
Crow: “You make it sound so good I’m taking us in.”
Servo: “I gotta…uh, rr…ah, never mind that rest-stop, I’m fine now.”
I really like the interplay between Romero and Chandler; oh, for the days where practically every actor was a professional and they knew how to write dialogue!
Melton (about the plane): “I tell you she’s a dream, doc, my baby!”
Hugh: “If she could only cook.”
Joel: “Hey! You’re talking about the woman he loves!”
Crow (on Melton): “You’re really bucking for that section eight pal.”
Joel (as Rostov): “I could prove these guys don’t exist.”
Joel: “Uh, ‘genocide’ has a ‘c’ in it, sir.”
(as Melton offers Rostov some coffee)
Servo: “I don’t sleep; get away from me little monkey boy!”
They repeatedly use the quip ‘you ever fly one of these things’? Variations are coming up.
First Host Segment: Hugh Beaumont visits. This is easily one of the best segments of season two; Mike is hilarious as Beaumont, who claims to be one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse bringing a ‘message of unholy death. But first a stern talking to.’ One thing though; why does Mike have pipe? Ward never smoked a pipe, in fact he specifically says as much in one episode. Still, hilarious segment.
Servo: “This is the pilot; anyone back there ever flown one of these?”
(Melton checks his watch as the music changes)
Crow: “Hey, my watch has never done that before; it’s trilling!”
And the plane starts to crash.
Servo: “You ever crash one of these?”
Servo: “I was kidding about that death pact Hal; come on!”
Servo: “You ever dived one of these things?”
Joel: “We blew it, Phil.”
I think that’s the same footage used in ‘Jungle Goddess’.
(the plane crashes)
Servo: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
Crow: “Hey, we landed on a witch! Maybe the film will be in color from this point.”
Bissel keeps mentioning his kids, sealing his fate.
Melton: “Hey, my watch is going! It stopped before but now it’s going!”
Servo: “Great. I’ll alert the media.”
(they take the door off the plane to get out)
Crow: “Uh, just put that anywhere.”
(during a fade out and back)
Crow: “Night falls swiftly in the jungle. But morning comes just as soon.”
Chandler: “Maybe we’re being set up for pigeons”
Crow: “And you’re the mother-loving pigeon of ‘em all.”
(no, I have no idea what Chandler meant)
Joel: “Well, just remember the rule, everybody; if you don’t understand it, shoot it.”
(as a woman and a boy walk out)
Crow: “Hey, Beaver, June, what are you doing here?”
Native girl: “Earth tremble, people frightened; leave in boats.”
Servo: “Oh, big day for you.”
Crow: “Uh, what happened to their torsos?”
Joel:”Hey guys, it looks like we’ve come upon a sacred burial mound; what say we defile it?”
Servo: “Have you ever walked through one of these before?”
Crow: “Will you let that die, please?”
And the rock-climbing sequence begins…
Crow: “Joel, why are we watching this dull mountain-climbing sequence?”
Joel: “Well, because it’s there.”
There’s a bit that they don’t note in riffing but mention in the episode guide; as they pull Melton up by his butt, Hugh Beaumont is in the background completely losing it.
Crow (as Rostov climbs): “Look, I’ll thank you not to touch my butt.”
Servo: “Just my hand, please.”
(as Hugh gets a reading on the Geiger counter)
Melton: “From the rocket?”
Crow: “No, from our hats, dickweed.”
Servo: “From the director who brought you that earlier stuff; more of the same!”
(as Caesar chokes on some gas)
Rostov: “What happened?”
Joel: “He loved too much.”
And they camp for the night.
Servo: “Bob, uh, I’m on fire.”
Joel: “Now, this is only for conversation, but if you were going to eat a human body, where would you start?”
(Caesar looks at Bissell’s picture)
Caesar: “Your family?”
Crow: “Came with the wallet.”
Crow: “Hey, Hugh, where’s the back of your skull?”
Hugh: “You married, Major?”
Joel: “You asking?”
Crow (as Rostov): “I don’t like the others; I’ll use their bones to butter my bread!”
(giant lizard suddenly shows up)
Crow: “Kitty!”
Rostov: “Up there! On the rock!”
Joel: “You mean by that gargantuan lizard?”
Second Host Segment: The Explorers. It’s pretty funny, although as they mention, it’s rather annoyingly preachy. It’s mostly saved by the ending where it goes completely off the rails, and by Servo and Crow’s reactions (also Joel keeps stumbling over his lines; Kevin keeps having to help him. Fortunately it works in the context of the skit).
Caesar: “What did you see up there?”
Rostov: “A monster I’ve never seen before.”
Servo: “And then what?”
And they resume the climb.
Joel starts rock climbing!
Crow: “Hey, save the fog; we can use it in a Ridley Scott film.”
Servo: “Just a few more feet and we’ll be…a few more feet along.”
Crow: “Oh, my God! They’ve done it, they’ve done it! They’ve reached the…side.”
Apparently they’ve been climbing so long the soundtrack has run out.
Now the guys start really getting mad.
Joel: “What are they looking for!?”
Servo: “They FORGOT!” They don’t even KNOW!”
Crow: “Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through EDITING?!”
And Bissell starts to fall…
Crow: “You must die, my friend, to make the film more interesting.”
And there he goes.
Crow: “I’ve plummeted to my death and I can’t get up!”
Crow: “Damn. He has my keys.”
Fade out…and fade back in to more ROCK CLIMBING!
(about a gap in the mountain)
Caesar: “Think you can make that?”
Servo: “Oh, I don’t know: I’d have to heat my core to thirteen-thousand degrees, get involved in plate tectonics…”
Crow: “No the mountain, you idiot!”
Joel took his shoe off to try to trip them!
Joel (as Caesar): “Well, this should thin the cast a bit, leave more lines for us.”
Servo: “You know, even rock climbing movies don’t have this much rock climbing!”
And after about twenty-minutes of them climbing the mountain, they hit the top.
Joel: “Oh, great, there’s an elevator! We could’ve rode up!”
Melton: “I think I’ve gone color blind!”
Crow: “Well, if this movie were color that would mean something.”
Anyway, they find another jungle on the top of the mountain.
Caesar: “You can breath without your lungs screaming for help.”
Servo: “We’re screaming for help!”
Caesar:”I’ll worry about that when the time comes.”
Crow: “God knows we’ve got plenty of THAT lying around!”
Melton: “Hey, major, we’ve picked something up!”
Servo: “Let’s hope it’s a virus and it kills them all!”
Rostov: “That stuff is the most mysterious element in nature.”
Joel: “Love?”
And the first call back of “that square bugs me, he really bugs me!!!”
Crow: “Rules of the road boys; see anything, shoot to kill....I mean, don’t shoot it if it’s gonna advance the plot.”
I love how cheerfully Hugh is about them moving into an area of intense radioactivity. Apparently as long as the uranium isn’t refined, its radiation is safe.
And they find dinosaur footprints.
Hugh: “I’ve seen tracks like this before.”
Caesar: “Where?”
Servo: “Larry Mondello.”
Joel cites all the other films that used this set (or seemed to); Mad Monster, Jungle Goddess, and Rocketship XM.
Why is it that only the scientists in movies have heard of the most common dinosaurs, like Brontosaurus?
And we get a semi-decent stop-motion Brontosaurus!
Joel (as the Brontosaurus): “Hi, I’ve been waiting for the last fifty minutes, but I’ve gotta go; they tell me I cost over a thousand dollars a minute.”
And it charges them, and Hugh thinks the best way to escape it is to climb a tree!
Servo: “Yeah, climb up to mouth-level, real quick!”
And it knocks the tree over as they shoot at it.
Servo: “I see a dinosaur, but I hear an elephant.”
Joel: “Sorry I had to tie you guys up, but you were letting the film get away.”
I kinda like Hugh’s character; the over-excited scientist who complains he didn’t get a picture of the bronto that almost killed him.
Hugh: “You know what a miracle is lieutenant?”
Crow: “The words ‘The End’?”
(Bronto/elephant noise as the camera focuses on Caesar and Rostov)
Crow: “Oh, very impressive!”
(as they talk about the uranium they’re basically sleeping on)
Servo: “One day I’ll be able to tell this to my three-headed grandchildren.”
Rostov: “You are a cynical, suspicious man, aren’t you Nolan?”
Crow: “No I’m not! Who told you that?”
Brief bit of Melton dreaming about a plane; Joel comments that he feels dirty after listening to that.
By the way, what animal is it that makes that ‘oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah’ sound you hear in every single jungle movie?
And they wake up to find Hugh and Rostov are off on their own.
Caesar (to Melton): “You were on guard; why didn’t you stop them?”
Servo: “Well you know how unstable I am!”
Crow: “Hey, who brought the sting-base?”
Servo: “It’s a contra-basso, sir.”
Crow: “Shut-up, maggot!”
And they find Rostov and Hugh trapped in rocks and besieged by a triceratops.
Caesar: “Go ahead and yell, loud!”
All: “YAAAHHH!!!”
And there’s a triceratops fight that comes out of nowhere. As Crow says, it’s the coolest part so far.
Third Host Segment: The cool thing. It’s alright; Joel reenacting a scene from the movie with toys at the beginning is pretty funny. This might be the first time they shown stage right of the satellite, which has a big window. And we go back to Deep 13 for a rare mid-episode visit.
Crow: “Meanwhile, in a less-interesting part of the film.”
Man, Hugh is cheerful in this movie, as Crow notes; he basically just laughs off nearly getting himself and the rest of the expedition killed.
Funny bit where they all pass under a log and the guys have them bumping their heads.
Nice scene between Rostov and Caesar, where Caesar apologizes for suspecting Rostov and Rostov basically explains that he’s used to it. They’re both decent actors and the scene is nicely played.
Rostov: “No country can survive if it loses the respect of its own people or the world.”
Servo: “Hasn’t stopped the good U.S. of A!”
Caesar (angrily): “Are you bored?”
Servo (same): “Yes, I’m bored! Let’s do something!”
Man, during Caesar’s big inspirational speech Hugh is in the background beaming; you just can’t get the guy down!
And more random wandering around. That’s all this film has been for the last forty-minutes or so; wandering around, occasionally interrupted by some random action.
(as they lean against a huge rock-pile)
Joel: “Uh, you won’t be happy when you find out what you’re leaning in.”
Crow: “Brain the size of a walnut.”
Joel: “Dinosaurs?”
Crow: “No, the director.”
Servo (on Caesar): “I’ll just stand here; tall and proud, keeping America…well, South America…Latin America safe for democracy.”
(Hugh unfolds a piece of paper)
Crow: “’You will die at the hands of a triceratops’?”
And Melton gets killed by a triceratops. Rather surprising; comic relief characters tend not to die in movies like this.
And we immediately cut to the next scene. As Joel notes; that was a short mourning period.
Servo: “Guys, now it’s the trip down!”
All: “No!!”
The trip down takes much less time, of course; the film’s almost done.
Servo: “You know, guys, if you ask me, I’d say they just reversed the film here.”
Rostov: “The whole mountain is blowing up under us!”
Servo: “Yep, the model doesn’t look too good either.”
They all get up and react to the avalanche/earthquake.
Servo: “They’ve come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”
And the island blows up, but they steal a boat from the abandoned village.
Why is it lost worlds always blow up right after being discovered?
Crow: “Get away! The stock-footage is erupting!”
(as our heroes float to safety in a canoe)
Crow: “Ah, safe, out of danger. SHARK!”
Servo: “What do you think they’ll call the sequel?”
Joel: “Uh, ‘Padding and Paddling’?”
Final Host Segment: AMC-style discussion of the film. Their anecdotes get increasingly ridiculous, ending with Crow: “Director Newfield, known Nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to dog with a fork.” And there’s a letter.
Stinger: Explorers cuddle by the fire; one of those ‘meh’ Stingers for me; I just didn’t find it that weird a scene. Something with Melton would have been better.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Rocket Attack USA
20. Robot Holocaust
21. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A semi-watchable movie, plus some strong riffing and one all-time classic host segment make for a very strong episode.
Final Rating: 8/10.
The film is about a group of scientists who are testing a new type of rocket, which mysteriously fails to return as it was supposed to. Rather than waste the time and effort spent on it, they employ a couple of air force pilots to fly them out to where it crashed to look for it. However, when they get there they find the rocket crashed on an island, which they also crash on. As if that wasn’t enough, the rocket landed on top of a huge plateau in the middle of the island, which they dutifully climb, losing one of their number along the way (along with many viewers; this is an infamously long and boring sequence). At the top they find a jungle inhabited by dinosaurs; a few Triceratopses and a Brontosaurus, all of which are oddly cannibalistic. After some more searching and incident, they find the rocket, get the data they need, and lose their comic relief. They then start down, only to have the island start to erupt. They all make it to safety, though, and canoe away into the sunset.
Like I said, the film really isn’t all that bad; the effects are decent (stop-motion is always a plus) and there are some cool scenes, like a triceratops fight. The film boasts a really stellar cast for one of these things; Caesar Romero plays the pilot hero, Hugh Beaumont as a scientist, Whit Bissell as another scientist (the one who dies), Hilary Brooke, most famous as a co-star on the ‘Abbot and Costello Show,’ has a brief role, and Sid Melton is on hand as the comic relief mechanic. I’m also partial to Chic Chandler (who will show up in a short several seasons down the line) as the co-pilot and John Hoyt as the Russian scientist, Rostov, is, for me, the acting stand out; he really is genuinely good. Of course, all the actors are professionals and give solid performances (plus there’s the added bonus of seeing Hugh Beaumont – Ward Cleaver himself – in a dinosaur-adventure film).
The film’s main failing, really the only thing that keeps it from being a genuinely fun adventure flick, is the incredibly long, boring ‘rock climbing’ sequence; twenty minutes of watching six men climb a mountain. This goes on for so long that they apparently run out of music and a large stretch is completely silent! It’s a simply mind-numbing sequence which pretty much on its own justifies the film’s MST3king. For years ‘rock climbing’ will be their benchmark for film-watching horror.
Riffwise the episode is, as I said, very strong; plenty of quips about the cast (including a delightful series of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ references for Hugh), some hilarious expressions of agony during the rock-climbing sequence, and a few funny running gags, such as the ‘you ever fly one of these things?’ bit.
Host segment wise, we get a funny invention exchange, with Frank inventing a patently useless mobile-treadmill, the staircase, and the rowboat (I’ve heard a rumor that the mobile-treadmill is actually real now; I hope to God that’s not true). The stand out, though, is a simply hilarious segment where the satellite is visited by Hugh Beaumont, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (played by Mike Nelson). It’s a simply brilliant segment which only gets better if you’ve seen ‘Leave it to Beaver’; Mike makes a great Ward. The other segments are only okay; nothing too special. There’s an amusing-but-rather-annoyingly-preachy ‘explorers’ segment and a decent one about the ‘cool thing’ (hard to explain).
So, all in all, a classic episode, one of the highlights of Season Two for me.
Thoughts while watching:
Forgot to mention last time that Servo’s head was back to normal; the ‘haircut experiment didn’t work.
Opening: Coach Joel’s prep talk. It’s pretty funny, especially Servo as ‘super-destroyer.’ Also one of the few times they specifically mention recent episodes. Gypsy is also developing nicely; she’s much more like herself now, if not all the way.
Invention: I love Servo asking for ‘some arms that actually work.’ Mads: Frank gets to do the invention exchange. As usual, he fails; he develops a mobile treadmill; which is so hilariously pointless that you could actually see someone trying market it. It’s very amusing and he and Dr. F go on about the rock climbing in the movie. They don’t have time for Joel’s invention. We’ll see it next week.
Joel (seeing the title): “Lost Continent? I lost my keys once, but that’s ridiculous!”
Servo (seeing the smaller credits): “And all the insignificants.”
Another Sam Newfeld movie.
They react in dismay at the exterior footage of the military base, which, according to the IMDb, is stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM’.
Hey, more stock footage from ‘Rocketship XM!’
Servo (seeing Hugh Beaumont as a military scientist): “So, that’s what Ward does at the office.”
They do some funny riffs on the guys watching the bleeping screen.
Rostov: “What’s its rate of climb?”
Crow: “Two-thousand feet, mein fueher!”
(as things are going well)
Joel (as scientist): “Hello Nobel!”
Servo repeatedly does the line ‘Jane! Stop this crazy thing!’ what is that a reference to?
(as things start going wrong)
Crow (Dean Martin voice): “Hey, Jerry, there’s something wrong with the stock-footage simulator”
Radio Operator: “Hello Neptune, come in.”
Servo (deep voice): “This is Neptune; God of the Sea!”
Joel (as scientist): “Good-bye Nobel.”
Rostov: “Are you sure you haven’t miscalculated?”
Joel: “Oh, right, I’m the jerk; it couldn’t be your crappy rocket!”
Scientist: “Not good is it?”
Servo: “No, it’s not good!”
Scientist: “Gentlemen, you represent the armed forces, you know what this test means.”
Servo: “This mean we can kill stuff?”
Scientist: “Those hours represent a large portion of our nation’s security.”
Joel: “And I’m talking to you Bob!”
So they lost the rocket, now they have to look for it or bad things will happen.
Scientist: “Get me a line to the White House.”
Crow: “Oh, the White House! We’re all impressed.”
Cut to Caesar Romero with Hilary Brooke.
Hilary: “The boys you train to fly, what are they like?”
Servo: “Oh, they’re dead.”
Caesar: “Hey, you had me doing this same show the other night!”
Servo (as Hilary): “I just wanted to see if you had any new material.”
Hilary: “You were taking me up to the door to say good-night.”
Crow: “You tried to use me as a key.”
(Caesar looks through the records)
Servo: “Hey look; the Dead, Mel Tormei, hey, here’s one of mine! Huh?”
(as they dance)
Joel: “I lead; give to Caesar what is Caesar’s.”
Sergeant: “Pardon me ma’am, is major Nolan here?”
Servo (as Caesar): “Oh, is that who I am?”
Caesar: “What is it, sergeant?”
Crow: “My neck, sir; it’s fused to my spine. Ow, ow, ow!”
So, Caesar gets called back to duty.
You know, I’ve seen this episode about a dozen times at least and I only just now got the joke where the Sergeant hands Caesar his address book and comments that he’s ‘an awfully tough man to follow.’ Now that I get it, it’s really pretty funny.
Cut to Sid Melton talking to a plane. I must say, I find him a good deal funnier than the Brains seem to have.
Offscreen Voice: “Sergeant Tatlow.”
Servo: “Hey, it does talk!”
Cut to Chic Chandler putting away his coat and talking to someone off screen.
Joel: “Everyone talks to inanimate objects in this movie!”
Sergeant: “Lt. Wilson?”
Chic: “One L or two?”
Servo: “Uh, five.”
Chic: “We had to crash on an island that’s loaded with guerilla resistance.”
Crow: “You make it sound so good I’m taking us in.”
Servo: “I gotta…uh, rr…ah, never mind that rest-stop, I’m fine now.”
I really like the interplay between Romero and Chandler; oh, for the days where practically every actor was a professional and they knew how to write dialogue!
Melton (about the plane): “I tell you she’s a dream, doc, my baby!”
Hugh: “If she could only cook.”
Joel: “Hey! You’re talking about the woman he loves!”
Crow (on Melton): “You’re really bucking for that section eight pal.”
Joel (as Rostov): “I could prove these guys don’t exist.”
Joel: “Uh, ‘genocide’ has a ‘c’ in it, sir.”
(as Melton offers Rostov some coffee)
Servo: “I don’t sleep; get away from me little monkey boy!”
They repeatedly use the quip ‘you ever fly one of these things’? Variations are coming up.
First Host Segment: Hugh Beaumont visits. This is easily one of the best segments of season two; Mike is hilarious as Beaumont, who claims to be one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse bringing a ‘message of unholy death. But first a stern talking to.’ One thing though; why does Mike have pipe? Ward never smoked a pipe, in fact he specifically says as much in one episode. Still, hilarious segment.
Servo: “This is the pilot; anyone back there ever flown one of these?”
(Melton checks his watch as the music changes)
Crow: “Hey, my watch has never done that before; it’s trilling!”
And the plane starts to crash.
Servo: “You ever crash one of these?”
Servo: “I was kidding about that death pact Hal; come on!”
Servo: “You ever dived one of these things?”
Joel: “We blew it, Phil.”
I think that’s the same footage used in ‘Jungle Goddess’.
(the plane crashes)
Servo: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
Crow: “Hey, we landed on a witch! Maybe the film will be in color from this point.”
Bissel keeps mentioning his kids, sealing his fate.
Melton: “Hey, my watch is going! It stopped before but now it’s going!”
Servo: “Great. I’ll alert the media.”
(they take the door off the plane to get out)
Crow: “Uh, just put that anywhere.”
(during a fade out and back)
Crow: “Night falls swiftly in the jungle. But morning comes just as soon.”
Chandler: “Maybe we’re being set up for pigeons”
Crow: “And you’re the mother-loving pigeon of ‘em all.”
(no, I have no idea what Chandler meant)
Joel: “Well, just remember the rule, everybody; if you don’t understand it, shoot it.”
(as a woman and a boy walk out)
Crow: “Hey, Beaver, June, what are you doing here?”
Native girl: “Earth tremble, people frightened; leave in boats.”
Servo: “Oh, big day for you.”
Crow: “Uh, what happened to their torsos?”
Joel:”Hey guys, it looks like we’ve come upon a sacred burial mound; what say we defile it?”
Servo: “Have you ever walked through one of these before?”
Crow: “Will you let that die, please?”
And the rock-climbing sequence begins…
Crow: “Joel, why are we watching this dull mountain-climbing sequence?”
Joel: “Well, because it’s there.”
There’s a bit that they don’t note in riffing but mention in the episode guide; as they pull Melton up by his butt, Hugh Beaumont is in the background completely losing it.
Crow (as Rostov climbs): “Look, I’ll thank you not to touch my butt.”
Servo: “Just my hand, please.”
(as Hugh gets a reading on the Geiger counter)
Melton: “From the rocket?”
Crow: “No, from our hats, dickweed.”
Servo: “From the director who brought you that earlier stuff; more of the same!”
(as Caesar chokes on some gas)
Rostov: “What happened?”
Joel: “He loved too much.”
And they camp for the night.
Servo: “Bob, uh, I’m on fire.”
Joel: “Now, this is only for conversation, but if you were going to eat a human body, where would you start?”
(Caesar looks at Bissell’s picture)
Caesar: “Your family?”
Crow: “Came with the wallet.”
Crow: “Hey, Hugh, where’s the back of your skull?”
Hugh: “You married, Major?”
Joel: “You asking?”
Crow (as Rostov): “I don’t like the others; I’ll use their bones to butter my bread!”
(giant lizard suddenly shows up)
Crow: “Kitty!”
Rostov: “Up there! On the rock!”
Joel: “You mean by that gargantuan lizard?”
Second Host Segment: The Explorers. It’s pretty funny, although as they mention, it’s rather annoyingly preachy. It’s mostly saved by the ending where it goes completely off the rails, and by Servo and Crow’s reactions (also Joel keeps stumbling over his lines; Kevin keeps having to help him. Fortunately it works in the context of the skit).
Caesar: “What did you see up there?”
Rostov: “A monster I’ve never seen before.”
Servo: “And then what?”
And they resume the climb.
Joel starts rock climbing!
Crow: “Hey, save the fog; we can use it in a Ridley Scott film.”
Servo: “Just a few more feet and we’ll be…a few more feet along.”
Crow: “Oh, my God! They’ve done it, they’ve done it! They’ve reached the…side.”
Apparently they’ve been climbing so long the soundtrack has run out.
Now the guys start really getting mad.
Joel: “What are they looking for!?”
Servo: “They FORGOT!” They don’t even KNOW!”
Crow: “Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through EDITING?!”
And Bissell starts to fall…
Crow: “You must die, my friend, to make the film more interesting.”
And there he goes.
Crow: “I’ve plummeted to my death and I can’t get up!”
Crow: “Damn. He has my keys.”
Fade out…and fade back in to more ROCK CLIMBING!
(about a gap in the mountain)
Caesar: “Think you can make that?”
Servo: “Oh, I don’t know: I’d have to heat my core to thirteen-thousand degrees, get involved in plate tectonics…”
Crow: “No the mountain, you idiot!”
Joel took his shoe off to try to trip them!
Joel (as Caesar): “Well, this should thin the cast a bit, leave more lines for us.”
Servo: “You know, even rock climbing movies don’t have this much rock climbing!”
And after about twenty-minutes of them climbing the mountain, they hit the top.
Joel: “Oh, great, there’s an elevator! We could’ve rode up!”
Melton: “I think I’ve gone color blind!”
Crow: “Well, if this movie were color that would mean something.”
Anyway, they find another jungle on the top of the mountain.
Caesar: “You can breath without your lungs screaming for help.”
Servo: “We’re screaming for help!”
Caesar:”I’ll worry about that when the time comes.”
Crow: “God knows we’ve got plenty of THAT lying around!”
Melton: “Hey, major, we’ve picked something up!”
Servo: “Let’s hope it’s a virus and it kills them all!”
Rostov: “That stuff is the most mysterious element in nature.”
Joel: “Love?”
And the first call back of “that square bugs me, he really bugs me!!!”
Crow: “Rules of the road boys; see anything, shoot to kill....I mean, don’t shoot it if it’s gonna advance the plot.”
I love how cheerfully Hugh is about them moving into an area of intense radioactivity. Apparently as long as the uranium isn’t refined, its radiation is safe.
And they find dinosaur footprints.
Hugh: “I’ve seen tracks like this before.”
Caesar: “Where?”
Servo: “Larry Mondello.”
Joel cites all the other films that used this set (or seemed to); Mad Monster, Jungle Goddess, and Rocketship XM.
Why is it that only the scientists in movies have heard of the most common dinosaurs, like Brontosaurus?
And we get a semi-decent stop-motion Brontosaurus!
Joel (as the Brontosaurus): “Hi, I’ve been waiting for the last fifty minutes, but I’ve gotta go; they tell me I cost over a thousand dollars a minute.”
And it charges them, and Hugh thinks the best way to escape it is to climb a tree!
Servo: “Yeah, climb up to mouth-level, real quick!”
And it knocks the tree over as they shoot at it.
Servo: “I see a dinosaur, but I hear an elephant.”
Joel: “Sorry I had to tie you guys up, but you were letting the film get away.”
I kinda like Hugh’s character; the over-excited scientist who complains he didn’t get a picture of the bronto that almost killed him.
Hugh: “You know what a miracle is lieutenant?”
Crow: “The words ‘The End’?”
(Bronto/elephant noise as the camera focuses on Caesar and Rostov)
Crow: “Oh, very impressive!”
(as they talk about the uranium they’re basically sleeping on)
Servo: “One day I’ll be able to tell this to my three-headed grandchildren.”
Rostov: “You are a cynical, suspicious man, aren’t you Nolan?”
Crow: “No I’m not! Who told you that?”
Brief bit of Melton dreaming about a plane; Joel comments that he feels dirty after listening to that.
By the way, what animal is it that makes that ‘oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah’ sound you hear in every single jungle movie?
And they wake up to find Hugh and Rostov are off on their own.
Caesar (to Melton): “You were on guard; why didn’t you stop them?”
Servo: “Well you know how unstable I am!”
Crow: “Hey, who brought the sting-base?”
Servo: “It’s a contra-basso, sir.”
Crow: “Shut-up, maggot!”
And they find Rostov and Hugh trapped in rocks and besieged by a triceratops.
Caesar: “Go ahead and yell, loud!”
All: “YAAAHHH!!!”
And there’s a triceratops fight that comes out of nowhere. As Crow says, it’s the coolest part so far.
Third Host Segment: The cool thing. It’s alright; Joel reenacting a scene from the movie with toys at the beginning is pretty funny. This might be the first time they shown stage right of the satellite, which has a big window. And we go back to Deep 13 for a rare mid-episode visit.
Crow: “Meanwhile, in a less-interesting part of the film.”
Man, Hugh is cheerful in this movie, as Crow notes; he basically just laughs off nearly getting himself and the rest of the expedition killed.
Funny bit where they all pass under a log and the guys have them bumping their heads.
Nice scene between Rostov and Caesar, where Caesar apologizes for suspecting Rostov and Rostov basically explains that he’s used to it. They’re both decent actors and the scene is nicely played.
Rostov: “No country can survive if it loses the respect of its own people or the world.”
Servo: “Hasn’t stopped the good U.S. of A!”
Caesar (angrily): “Are you bored?”
Servo (same): “Yes, I’m bored! Let’s do something!”
Man, during Caesar’s big inspirational speech Hugh is in the background beaming; you just can’t get the guy down!
And more random wandering around. That’s all this film has been for the last forty-minutes or so; wandering around, occasionally interrupted by some random action.
(as they lean against a huge rock-pile)
Joel: “Uh, you won’t be happy when you find out what you’re leaning in.”
Crow: “Brain the size of a walnut.”
Joel: “Dinosaurs?”
Crow: “No, the director.”
Servo (on Caesar): “I’ll just stand here; tall and proud, keeping America…well, South America…Latin America safe for democracy.”
(Hugh unfolds a piece of paper)
Crow: “’You will die at the hands of a triceratops’?”
And Melton gets killed by a triceratops. Rather surprising; comic relief characters tend not to die in movies like this.
And we immediately cut to the next scene. As Joel notes; that was a short mourning period.
Servo: “Guys, now it’s the trip down!”
All: “No!!”
The trip down takes much less time, of course; the film’s almost done.
Servo: “You know, guys, if you ask me, I’d say they just reversed the film here.”
Rostov: “The whole mountain is blowing up under us!”
Servo: “Yep, the model doesn’t look too good either.”
They all get up and react to the avalanche/earthquake.
Servo: “They’ve come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.”
And the island blows up, but they steal a boat from the abandoned village.
Why is it lost worlds always blow up right after being discovered?
Crow: “Get away! The stock-footage is erupting!”
(as our heroes float to safety in a canoe)
Crow: “Ah, safe, out of danger. SHARK!”
Servo: “What do you think they’ll call the sequel?”
Joel: “Uh, ‘Padding and Paddling’?”
Final Host Segment: AMC-style discussion of the film. Their anecdotes get increasingly ridiculous, ending with Crow: “Director Newfield, known Nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to dog with a fork.” And there’s a letter.
Stinger: Explorers cuddle by the fire; one of those ‘meh’ Stingers for me; I just didn’t find it that weird a scene. Something with Melton would have been better.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Lost Continent
5. Rocketship XM
6. Moon Zero Two
7. The Crawling Hand
8. Catalina Caper
9. Jungle Goddess
10. Wild Rebels
11. The Corpse Vanishes
12. Ring of Terror
13. Untamed Youth
14. The Slime People
15. Project Moonbase
16. The Sidehackers
17. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
18. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
19. Rocket Attack USA
20. Robot Holocaust
21. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A semi-watchable movie, plus some strong riffing and one all-time classic host segment make for a very strong episode.
Final Rating: 8/10.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
MST3K: Episode 207 – Wild Rebels
Okay! Mst3k Reviews are officially back on the air, thanks to tirol9 from YouTube! So, until I reach the next unavailable episode, expect reviews every week or so.
Wild Rebels is another one of those episodes which I enjoyed despite not expecting too much. The ‘Biker’ film genre is one I have little knowledge of and even less interest in, but the film’s sheer stupidity, coupled with the solid riffing made this an extremely enjoyable episode.
The film revolves around Rod; a bland, down-on-his-luck race-car driver who goes undercover in a biker gang consisting of pseudo-intelligent leader Cheetah, hot-headed Banjo, just-plain-stupid Fats, and biker-chick Linda, who inexplicably falls for Rod and he for her. Anyway, there’s some stuff about robbing and Linda repeatedly rhapsodizes about being in it for ‘kicks,’ then they try to knock over a small-town bank as their big-score (lots of hilarious quips about how little money this bank could possibly offer), Rod alerts the cops, leading to a bloody chase and shoot-out at a lighthouse inexplicably located in a bayou. All the bikers and about a dozen cops are slaughtered before Linda is arrested and Rod patted on the back as he sadly watches her go.
Like I said, the film is frequently incredibly stupid; for instance, the head cop mentions that the bikers are too ‘smart’ to get arrested, as they clean up and there are never any witnesses. This just after they had beaten up three guys in the middle of a crowded bar and just walked out! The movie features a gun-shop owner who loads his customer’s guns for them, cops who one minute can’t hit a big burly guy just standing two feet away and the next can pick off a guy at the top of a lighthouse with a snub-nosed revolver, and…well, lots of stuff like that. The riffing is generally very funny, although there are frequent dry spells of merely amusing comments (like most season 2 episodes). It really gets going towards the end, however, and pretty much the last fifteen-twenty minutes is a riot.
Host segment wise, the episode is pretty strong, with funny invention exchanges, some very dense writing, and an amusing jingle thrown in. I particularly liked the ‘intellectual bikers’ segment, and the growing chemistry between Frank and Dr. F, which shines here. It’s been said before, but it’s worth repeating that those two really are one of the great comedic duos. A fact that will only become more clear over time.
Thoughts While Watching:
Opening: Gypsy’s role explained. This was motivated by the Brain’s guilt over having their only female character being (in their words) “A dim-witted, cow-like creature play by a man.” This was the beginning of the new Gypsy character whom we would all come to know and love, although she won’t really come into her own for a couple seasons. Joel noticeably flubs his lines here, but covers pretty well.
Invention exchange: Gypsy’s ‘smart’ voice is a lot different from what it will be. Joel is pretty funny here. The Mads have ‘hobby-hogs;’ for kids who look up to bikers. Joel has 3-D pizza (Crow has 3-D glasses); both are pretty funny, especially the Mads and Crow and Tom (at the end there’s a brief-but-funny discussion about that ‘gwuhyew!’ noise Frank makes). This is also the first and, I believe, only time the theater is referred to as the Mystery Science Theater.
The movie opens with a theme song; it’s generic, but kind of catchy (as Crow says)
Tom: (over some blurry, hard-to read credits) and the glaucoma players.
Joel: (over some even worse credits) and here are the people with the really bad agents.
They do an amusing little ‘eye-doctor’ bit over the impossible-to-read credits.
(Guy starts walking away mid-scene)
Joel: Uh, I don’t think this scene’s over yet, Rod.
So, our ‘hero’ is a racer whose car just crashed, leaving him broke.
Now he climbs on top of a car to auction his remaining stuff off (there’s a hilariously obvious continuity error involving a guitar, which is prominently there and then gone).
Rod: Sold…for 450 US dollars.
Crow: Oh, did I tell you I was bidding in Pesos?
And the guitar’s back!
Cut to some bikers. And our hero goes to the same bar!
Servo’s counting out the dance steps!
Gypsy shows up in the theater when someone mentions ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea’ which starred Richard Basehart (the love of her life). One of the few times she shows up in the theater.
Crow does a Maxwell Smart gag!
Random girl shows up in an outfit seemingly designed specifically for my tastes!
A sort of faux-Beatles group is singing a lame rip-off song.
I know I’ve complained about the dancing in these movies before, but I just don’t get the ‘stand at arms length and randomly gyrate’ school of dancing.
Joel gets up and cleans the bar!
Biker: What happened? Chicken began to cackle?
Crow: Leave my chicken out of it!
Biker: I’m Cheetah.
Crow: The fast land-animal.
Bikers are Cheetah, Banjo, and Fats; the leader, the angry one, and the stupid(est) one, respectively.
Cheetah:”…it could mean a lot of bread and an unlimited expense account could be yours.”
Servo: “That means security for you and your loved ones.”
Cheetah: “Linda, baby! Come’ere!”
Crow: (Deep guttural voice) “You rang?”
Bikers beat up some guys for dancing with their Biker chick, Linda. The band doesn’t even stop playing until they’re done!
A couple political jokes here;
(Our hero looks up at a Nazi flag)
Servo: “So, how long have you worked on the David Dukes campaign?”
Some sarcastic quips about the horrible day-for-night photography.
And hero and biker chick IMMEDIATELY start making out!
I like the creaking noises they make as the thin, tight biker-chick walks across the room; and the Penguin laugh as she smokes the cigarette holder.
First Host Segment: Intellectual Bikers! Truman Captoe’s gang is ‘Oscar’s Wild Ones.’
Joel: “Everyone thought Joseph Campbell was tough, but that was just a myth.” It’s hilarious!
Back to the movie.
(as Cheetah exposits very slowly)
Banjo: “Let the man finish!”
Crow: “There’s this whole bit he does at the end!”
Cheetah: “We’re good on bikes, but cars are a different tale.”
Servo: “Apparently they have more wheels on them or something.”
Cheetah lays out the plan…sort of; they use Rod to drive them around and help their capers.
(as Rod leads)
Servo: “Well, I had a great time; you’ll have to come to MY shotgun shack sometime. Take care of your head-injuries, guys!”
Joel: “Uh, well let me just say I wish your business the best; thanks for the wine and the use of your chick and everything.”
(as Rod walks out)
Crow: “That’s, uh…that’s the closet.”
(as Rod walks into a circle of cops)
Cop: “Just hold it right there.”
Joel: “We’ve got mood synthesizers; we could kill you from here.”
So, Rod meets up with some cops.
Cop: “They know we can spot their motorcycles so now they’re switching to a car.”
Servo: “Cars are harder to see.”
Wait; the cop says they don’t leave any witnesses; they just beat up three guys in front of an entire bar! Come on!
Oh, and the cop’s repeated talk of how ‘smart’ the bikers are is not making him look good.
Rod: “Yeah, I think they needed me real bad.”
Crow: “They cried.”
(as the cop asks Rod to work for the police)
Joel: “It’s called ‘Operation: Weasel-snitch.’”
(as the camera cuts from the cop to a long pan up Biker-chick’s legs)
Servo: “Lieutenant! You have lovely feet!”
(over a dirty biker room)
Servo: “It looks like Banjo exploded! There’s biker-shrapnel everywhere!”
(as Banjo takes a newspaper)
Servo: “Let me see that…oh, I forgot I can’t read.”
So, the bikers go to Rod’s latest race.
(a car looses a wheel in the race)
Crow: “Hey! The wheel’s winning!”
Joel (loudly, as the cop): “Hi Rod! Remember you’re undercover, don’t talk to anybody!”
Servo: “Sssh!”
Announcer: “All speed records should be shattered today!”
Joel: “Along with a couple of knees, some femurs, and some skulls too.”
Crow: “For those of you watching at home, we have no idea what the HECK IS GOING ON!”
And Rod crashes (on purpose) and his car bursts randomly into flames as soon as he’s clear. At least it doesn’t explode (they probably couldn’t afford it).
‘Leave it to Beaver’ reference!
(as the Bikers welcome Rod in)
Servo: “We’ll get you on medical and dental right away.”
Second Host Segment: Wild Rebels cereal. “It’s like getting hit on the back of the head by a surfboard of flavor!” Pretty funny, especially the way the turn the film’s theme song into a jingle, and the prizes they find inside…
Cheetah: “Remember, baby, don’t signal us until he’s beddy-by.”
Linda: “Don’t sweat it; I know what to do!”
Crow: “What, does she have a babysitting job? Are they going to knock over a preschool?”
Joel starts feeling the biker’s muscles!
Servo (over a suit-of-armor): “Hi, welcome to the twelfth century.”
(about a gun)
Linda: “Can you show me how it works?”
Crow: “Okay, stand against that wall…”
Okay, I refuse to believe any gun-shop owner would be stupid enough to load a gun for a customer.
So…did she shoot him, or what?
And the Bikers just walk it and take everything in the shop.
Linda: “hey, what are you doing Banjo?”
Servo: “Uh, it’s called a gun, dear.”
(as Banjo goes back for ammunition)
Crow: “How are they going to remember what guns they got?”
Servo: “This is the movies, Crow: bullets are bullets.”
Cheetah: “can the music.”
Crow: “Canned music? No way, I’m an artist, I have values!”
(as Linda hands Cheetah the plans)
Servo: “Let’s see; ‘We hold these truths to…’ wait a minute.”
Servo (as Cheetah): “Hey, Rod, we need a few more people nibbling me here; come on over.”
Rod: “But if I’m gonna be your driver, you’re gonna have to tell me what’s happening.”
Joel: “Well, there’s a steering wheel and a pedal…oh will you just get out of here!”
Banjo’s line ‘that square bugs me…HE REALLY BUGS ME!!’ will become a standard call back line.
Rod randomly signals the police for some reason.
(as Rod’s writing something)
Servo: “Note to myself; get new agent.”
(as Rod buries a note)
Crow: “Oh, he’s using a carrier mole!”
So, I don’t get the attraction of the Biker girl and hero on either side; of course, the ‘bad-girls’ in movies almost never appeal to me.
Hero sings a folk-style song. He really doesn’t have that bad a voice.
(as back up magically appears during the musical number)
Crow: “Thank you, brother squirrel for the horn!”
Joel: “Special music by the Ant-Farm Family Singers.”
Servo: “Good thing the Nelson-Riddle Gang is in the next cottage.”
Crow: “Take it chipmunks!”
Linda: “You’re square, baby; so square you look like a box!”
Linda rhapsodizes about the ‘kicks’ she gets from the bikers.
Linda: “You used to get your kicks from having four-hundred horses in front of you and death staring you in the face!”
Crow: “Yeah, but that was when he was in ‘Ben Hur’”
Rod: “I don’t dig you.”
Linda: “Do you dig this?”
(she kisses him)
Servo: “Well, I don’t kno…mmmmhhmm!”
Servo: “Well, at least her three boyfriends aren’t homicidal and looking for something like this.”
And Banjo shows up and starts beating Rod up.
Linda: “You’ve got to stop him, he’s gonna kill him!”
Crow: “Maybe that’s a good thing.”
(as Rod starts winning against Banjo)
Servo: “Looks like Banjo’s a little out of tune there.”
And Rod lets him go, since he’s the good guy.
Cheetah: “What was that all about?”
Servo (as Banjo): “Uh, he kicked my butt, weren’t you there?”
Random Technicolor flash-screen!
Joel: “I’m wigging!”
(on the soundtrack)
Joel: “Thanks for the groovy charts Mr. Squirrel, wherever you are.”
Joel starts cleaning the car!
Cheetah: “They’ve got a little bank that’s just loaded with bread.”
Servo: “I don’t know, but I think they’re talking about a bakery.”
I love how Cheetah claims Rod’s been with them the entire time, forgetting that he himself sent the guy outside by himself the very night before!
(looking at a map)
Cheetah: “We can’t go cross country…”
Crow: “and we can’t go straight up, remember when we tried that?”
Linda: “You didn’t learn a thing last night, did you?”
Crow: “Well, I did, but I don’t think we can use it to rob a bank…”
So they decide to drive by the railroad tracks; which as Servo points out, runs right next to a highway.
Crow (deep, narrator voice): “Citrusville! City of Progress! Where everyone is Juice!”
Servo: “Boy, I bet they could score eighty to a hundred bucks in this town!”
(as the teller counts some money out)
Crow: “Four, five dollars; you’ve broken the bank!”
Linda: “Oh, I’d like five-hundred dollars in traveler’s checks.”
Joel: “Oh, dream on lady!”
Crow: “Hey! I’ve found a five under this drawer! We can stay open!”
Third host segment: Joel serenades Gypsy, like in the movie. Crow and Servo have some of their occasionally oddly romantic-style dialogue in the beginning; it’s kind of weird. Then Crow and Servo jump him. Gypsy’s just in it for the kicks. Pretty funny.
Somehow Cheetah knows when Linda puts the guard out… with a syringe. Like Servo says, he must be psychic.
(as Cheetah speaks too fast)
Servo: “What, is he speaking Sanskrit?”
And Rod stupidly signals the first local cops he sees…
Servo: (British accent) “Eh, what’s all this then?” (southern accent) “I mean, what’s goin’ on here boy?”
…and the cops promptly get shot, since Rod didn’t bother warning them about the high-powered ordinance they have.
What the…one of the cops is alive; after being shot at close-range with a shotgun?
Cop: “Calling all units…”
Servo: “Uh, we are all units sir.”
Crow: “Hey, they’re gonna put the squeeze on them in Citrusville!”
Crow: “What do you suppose Citrusville is famous for?”
Servo: “Oh, probably dairy products.”
Joel: “Police cars courtesy of Grandma.”
These are the most ineffective roadblocks ever!
So, that’s two cops dead and one seriously injured…
Policeman (blandly): “They just killed my partner.”
Joel (same): “and I’m all busted up inside. Over.”
And this roadblock has a side street right next to it! What kind of cops are these?
Crow: “’Bout this time the ole’ Duck Boys had killed just about every cop in town…”
(as the tires squeal on a dirt road)
Servo: “Ah, it’s the squealing swamp…” (bang!) “and there’s the exploding bush.”
Servo: “So this was the point at which the director said ‘use everything we shot’”
Yeah, where did that lighthouse come from?! They’re in the bayou!
Crow: “Well, it’s up to the navy now, it’s out of our jurisdiction.”
So, the bikers hold up in a lighthouse.
Crow: “Oh, great hideout; if they have to spend any time in there they can eat the bricks I guess.”
And another cop is down…and another…and another!
Banjo: “I got one; I got me a man!”
Servo: “Great, now go shoot a cop.”
Banjo panics, runs out, and somehow avoids getting shredded despite the fact that, as Servo points out, he’s about two-feet away from the cops and unarmed and wrestling with a motorcycle.
And there he goes; hit by a shotgun at about a hundred yards on move! Had anyone involved in this movie used a gun before?
What?! The cop-chief hits a guy at the top of a lighthouse with a snub-nosed revolver?! See above comment.
Servo: “Live fast, die young, and a leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse.”
Rod heads for the top (for some reason) with Cheetah in hot pursuit.
Cheetah checks Fats’ corpse:
Joel: (as Fats) “He’s upstairs”
Servo (as Cheetah): “Thanks, Fats. You know, you’re smarter dead.”
Joel does a weird little voice for Fats…
I love how they kind of thrust their guns to indicate they’re firing…
Cheetah points right at the camera:
Crow: “Woah! Servo save yourself!”
And Linda shoots Cheetah before he can kill Rod. (why?)
And the police arrest Linda.
High angle shot:
Crow: “Hey! It’s God-cam!”
Joel: “You know, I’m gonna miss her and her murderous ways.”
My basic attitude.
The cop pats Rod on the back.
Servo: “Well Rod, thirteen dead cops, six dead innocent bystanders, a couple of dead bikers, good work!”
And the sappy folk song plays again. It’s not a very good song, of course.
Final segment: The bots are depressed, Joel is happy, teaching them to laugh at the worst elements of the film (you’d think they’d already know about this). The Mads are disturbed at how happy they are…though Frank agrees with them. Joel reads a letter as they party. Frank parties as well, until Dr. F puts him down with a huge hypodermic needle.
No stinger; I guess they forgot.
My pick would be the classic: “That square bugs me…HE REALLY BUGS ME!!!”
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Rocketship XM
5. Moon Zero Two
6. The Crawling Hand
7. Catalina Caper
8. Jungle Goddess
9. Wild Rebels
10. The Corpse Vanishes
11. Ring of Terror
12. Untamed Youth
13. The Slime People
14. Project Moonbase
15. The Sidehackers
16. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
17. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
18. Rocket Attack USA
19. Robot Holocaust
20. Robot Monster
Conclusion: a very stupid movie makes for some very funny riffing, plus strong host segments make this a solid episode.
Final Rating: 7/10.
Wild Rebels is another one of those episodes which I enjoyed despite not expecting too much. The ‘Biker’ film genre is one I have little knowledge of and even less interest in, but the film’s sheer stupidity, coupled with the solid riffing made this an extremely enjoyable episode.
The film revolves around Rod; a bland, down-on-his-luck race-car driver who goes undercover in a biker gang consisting of pseudo-intelligent leader Cheetah, hot-headed Banjo, just-plain-stupid Fats, and biker-chick Linda, who inexplicably falls for Rod and he for her. Anyway, there’s some stuff about robbing and Linda repeatedly rhapsodizes about being in it for ‘kicks,’ then they try to knock over a small-town bank as their big-score (lots of hilarious quips about how little money this bank could possibly offer), Rod alerts the cops, leading to a bloody chase and shoot-out at a lighthouse inexplicably located in a bayou. All the bikers and about a dozen cops are slaughtered before Linda is arrested and Rod patted on the back as he sadly watches her go.
Like I said, the film is frequently incredibly stupid; for instance, the head cop mentions that the bikers are too ‘smart’ to get arrested, as they clean up and there are never any witnesses. This just after they had beaten up three guys in the middle of a crowded bar and just walked out! The movie features a gun-shop owner who loads his customer’s guns for them, cops who one minute can’t hit a big burly guy just standing two feet away and the next can pick off a guy at the top of a lighthouse with a snub-nosed revolver, and…well, lots of stuff like that. The riffing is generally very funny, although there are frequent dry spells of merely amusing comments (like most season 2 episodes). It really gets going towards the end, however, and pretty much the last fifteen-twenty minutes is a riot.
Host segment wise, the episode is pretty strong, with funny invention exchanges, some very dense writing, and an amusing jingle thrown in. I particularly liked the ‘intellectual bikers’ segment, and the growing chemistry between Frank and Dr. F, which shines here. It’s been said before, but it’s worth repeating that those two really are one of the great comedic duos. A fact that will only become more clear over time.
Thoughts While Watching:
Opening: Gypsy’s role explained. This was motivated by the Brain’s guilt over having their only female character being (in their words) “A dim-witted, cow-like creature play by a man.” This was the beginning of the new Gypsy character whom we would all come to know and love, although she won’t really come into her own for a couple seasons. Joel noticeably flubs his lines here, but covers pretty well.
Invention exchange: Gypsy’s ‘smart’ voice is a lot different from what it will be. Joel is pretty funny here. The Mads have ‘hobby-hogs;’ for kids who look up to bikers. Joel has 3-D pizza (Crow has 3-D glasses); both are pretty funny, especially the Mads and Crow and Tom (at the end there’s a brief-but-funny discussion about that ‘gwuhyew!’ noise Frank makes). This is also the first and, I believe, only time the theater is referred to as the Mystery Science Theater.
The movie opens with a theme song; it’s generic, but kind of catchy (as Crow says)
Tom: (over some blurry, hard-to read credits) and the glaucoma players.
Joel: (over some even worse credits) and here are the people with the really bad agents.
They do an amusing little ‘eye-doctor’ bit over the impossible-to-read credits.
(Guy starts walking away mid-scene)
Joel: Uh, I don’t think this scene’s over yet, Rod.
So, our ‘hero’ is a racer whose car just crashed, leaving him broke.
Now he climbs on top of a car to auction his remaining stuff off (there’s a hilariously obvious continuity error involving a guitar, which is prominently there and then gone).
Rod: Sold…for 450 US dollars.
Crow: Oh, did I tell you I was bidding in Pesos?
And the guitar’s back!
Cut to some bikers. And our hero goes to the same bar!
Servo’s counting out the dance steps!
Gypsy shows up in the theater when someone mentions ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea’ which starred Richard Basehart (the love of her life). One of the few times she shows up in the theater.
Crow does a Maxwell Smart gag!
Random girl shows up in an outfit seemingly designed specifically for my tastes!
A sort of faux-Beatles group is singing a lame rip-off song.
I know I’ve complained about the dancing in these movies before, but I just don’t get the ‘stand at arms length and randomly gyrate’ school of dancing.
Joel gets up and cleans the bar!
Biker: What happened? Chicken began to cackle?
Crow: Leave my chicken out of it!
Biker: I’m Cheetah.
Crow: The fast land-animal.
Bikers are Cheetah, Banjo, and Fats; the leader, the angry one, and the stupid(est) one, respectively.
Cheetah:”…it could mean a lot of bread and an unlimited expense account could be yours.”
Servo: “That means security for you and your loved ones.”
Cheetah: “Linda, baby! Come’ere!”
Crow: (Deep guttural voice) “You rang?”
Bikers beat up some guys for dancing with their Biker chick, Linda. The band doesn’t even stop playing until they’re done!
A couple political jokes here;
(Our hero looks up at a Nazi flag)
Servo: “So, how long have you worked on the David Dukes campaign?”
Some sarcastic quips about the horrible day-for-night photography.
And hero and biker chick IMMEDIATELY start making out!
I like the creaking noises they make as the thin, tight biker-chick walks across the room; and the Penguin laugh as she smokes the cigarette holder.
First Host Segment: Intellectual Bikers! Truman Captoe’s gang is ‘Oscar’s Wild Ones.’
Joel: “Everyone thought Joseph Campbell was tough, but that was just a myth.” It’s hilarious!
Back to the movie.
(as Cheetah exposits very slowly)
Banjo: “Let the man finish!”
Crow: “There’s this whole bit he does at the end!”
Cheetah: “We’re good on bikes, but cars are a different tale.”
Servo: “Apparently they have more wheels on them or something.”
Cheetah lays out the plan…sort of; they use Rod to drive them around and help their capers.
(as Rod leads)
Servo: “Well, I had a great time; you’ll have to come to MY shotgun shack sometime. Take care of your head-injuries, guys!”
Joel: “Uh, well let me just say I wish your business the best; thanks for the wine and the use of your chick and everything.”
(as Rod walks out)
Crow: “That’s, uh…that’s the closet.”
(as Rod walks into a circle of cops)
Cop: “Just hold it right there.”
Joel: “We’ve got mood synthesizers; we could kill you from here.”
So, Rod meets up with some cops.
Cop: “They know we can spot their motorcycles so now they’re switching to a car.”
Servo: “Cars are harder to see.”
Wait; the cop says they don’t leave any witnesses; they just beat up three guys in front of an entire bar! Come on!
Oh, and the cop’s repeated talk of how ‘smart’ the bikers are is not making him look good.
Rod: “Yeah, I think they needed me real bad.”
Crow: “They cried.”
(as the cop asks Rod to work for the police)
Joel: “It’s called ‘Operation: Weasel-snitch.’”
(as the camera cuts from the cop to a long pan up Biker-chick’s legs)
Servo: “Lieutenant! You have lovely feet!”
(over a dirty biker room)
Servo: “It looks like Banjo exploded! There’s biker-shrapnel everywhere!”
(as Banjo takes a newspaper)
Servo: “Let me see that…oh, I forgot I can’t read.”
So, the bikers go to Rod’s latest race.
(a car looses a wheel in the race)
Crow: “Hey! The wheel’s winning!”
Joel (loudly, as the cop): “Hi Rod! Remember you’re undercover, don’t talk to anybody!”
Servo: “Sssh!”
Announcer: “All speed records should be shattered today!”
Joel: “Along with a couple of knees, some femurs, and some skulls too.”
Crow: “For those of you watching at home, we have no idea what the HECK IS GOING ON!”
And Rod crashes (on purpose) and his car bursts randomly into flames as soon as he’s clear. At least it doesn’t explode (they probably couldn’t afford it).
‘Leave it to Beaver’ reference!
(as the Bikers welcome Rod in)
Servo: “We’ll get you on medical and dental right away.”
Second Host Segment: Wild Rebels cereal. “It’s like getting hit on the back of the head by a surfboard of flavor!” Pretty funny, especially the way the turn the film’s theme song into a jingle, and the prizes they find inside…
Cheetah: “Remember, baby, don’t signal us until he’s beddy-by.”
Linda: “Don’t sweat it; I know what to do!”
Crow: “What, does she have a babysitting job? Are they going to knock over a preschool?”
Joel starts feeling the biker’s muscles!
Servo (over a suit-of-armor): “Hi, welcome to the twelfth century.”
(about a gun)
Linda: “Can you show me how it works?”
Crow: “Okay, stand against that wall…”
Okay, I refuse to believe any gun-shop owner would be stupid enough to load a gun for a customer.
So…did she shoot him, or what?
And the Bikers just walk it and take everything in the shop.
Linda: “hey, what are you doing Banjo?”
Servo: “Uh, it’s called a gun, dear.”
(as Banjo goes back for ammunition)
Crow: “How are they going to remember what guns they got?”
Servo: “This is the movies, Crow: bullets are bullets.”
Cheetah: “can the music.”
Crow: “Canned music? No way, I’m an artist, I have values!”
(as Linda hands Cheetah the plans)
Servo: “Let’s see; ‘We hold these truths to…’ wait a minute.”
Servo (as Cheetah): “Hey, Rod, we need a few more people nibbling me here; come on over.”
Rod: “But if I’m gonna be your driver, you’re gonna have to tell me what’s happening.”
Joel: “Well, there’s a steering wheel and a pedal…oh will you just get out of here!”
Banjo’s line ‘that square bugs me…HE REALLY BUGS ME!!’ will become a standard call back line.
Rod randomly signals the police for some reason.
(as Rod’s writing something)
Servo: “Note to myself; get new agent.”
(as Rod buries a note)
Crow: “Oh, he’s using a carrier mole!”
So, I don’t get the attraction of the Biker girl and hero on either side; of course, the ‘bad-girls’ in movies almost never appeal to me.
Hero sings a folk-style song. He really doesn’t have that bad a voice.
(as back up magically appears during the musical number)
Crow: “Thank you, brother squirrel for the horn!”
Joel: “Special music by the Ant-Farm Family Singers.”
Servo: “Good thing the Nelson-Riddle Gang is in the next cottage.”
Crow: “Take it chipmunks!”
Linda: “You’re square, baby; so square you look like a box!”
Linda rhapsodizes about the ‘kicks’ she gets from the bikers.
Linda: “You used to get your kicks from having four-hundred horses in front of you and death staring you in the face!”
Crow: “Yeah, but that was when he was in ‘Ben Hur’”
Rod: “I don’t dig you.”
Linda: “Do you dig this?”
(she kisses him)
Servo: “Well, I don’t kno…mmmmhhmm!”
Servo: “Well, at least her three boyfriends aren’t homicidal and looking for something like this.”
And Banjo shows up and starts beating Rod up.
Linda: “You’ve got to stop him, he’s gonna kill him!”
Crow: “Maybe that’s a good thing.”
(as Rod starts winning against Banjo)
Servo: “Looks like Banjo’s a little out of tune there.”
And Rod lets him go, since he’s the good guy.
Cheetah: “What was that all about?”
Servo (as Banjo): “Uh, he kicked my butt, weren’t you there?”
Random Technicolor flash-screen!
Joel: “I’m wigging!”
(on the soundtrack)
Joel: “Thanks for the groovy charts Mr. Squirrel, wherever you are.”
Joel starts cleaning the car!
Cheetah: “They’ve got a little bank that’s just loaded with bread.”
Servo: “I don’t know, but I think they’re talking about a bakery.”
I love how Cheetah claims Rod’s been with them the entire time, forgetting that he himself sent the guy outside by himself the very night before!
(looking at a map)
Cheetah: “We can’t go cross country…”
Crow: “and we can’t go straight up, remember when we tried that?”
Linda: “You didn’t learn a thing last night, did you?”
Crow: “Well, I did, but I don’t think we can use it to rob a bank…”
So they decide to drive by the railroad tracks; which as Servo points out, runs right next to a highway.
Crow (deep, narrator voice): “Citrusville! City of Progress! Where everyone is Juice!”
Servo: “Boy, I bet they could score eighty to a hundred bucks in this town!”
(as the teller counts some money out)
Crow: “Four, five dollars; you’ve broken the bank!”
Linda: “Oh, I’d like five-hundred dollars in traveler’s checks.”
Joel: “Oh, dream on lady!”
Crow: “Hey! I’ve found a five under this drawer! We can stay open!”
Third host segment: Joel serenades Gypsy, like in the movie. Crow and Servo have some of their occasionally oddly romantic-style dialogue in the beginning; it’s kind of weird. Then Crow and Servo jump him. Gypsy’s just in it for the kicks. Pretty funny.
Somehow Cheetah knows when Linda puts the guard out… with a syringe. Like Servo says, he must be psychic.
(as Cheetah speaks too fast)
Servo: “What, is he speaking Sanskrit?”
And Rod stupidly signals the first local cops he sees…
Servo: (British accent) “Eh, what’s all this then?” (southern accent) “I mean, what’s goin’ on here boy?”
…and the cops promptly get shot, since Rod didn’t bother warning them about the high-powered ordinance they have.
What the…one of the cops is alive; after being shot at close-range with a shotgun?
Cop: “Calling all units…”
Servo: “Uh, we are all units sir.”
Crow: “Hey, they’re gonna put the squeeze on them in Citrusville!”
Crow: “What do you suppose Citrusville is famous for?”
Servo: “Oh, probably dairy products.”
Joel: “Police cars courtesy of Grandma.”
These are the most ineffective roadblocks ever!
So, that’s two cops dead and one seriously injured…
Policeman (blandly): “They just killed my partner.”
Joel (same): “and I’m all busted up inside. Over.”
And this roadblock has a side street right next to it! What kind of cops are these?
Crow: “’Bout this time the ole’ Duck Boys had killed just about every cop in town…”
(as the tires squeal on a dirt road)
Servo: “Ah, it’s the squealing swamp…” (bang!) “and there’s the exploding bush.”
Servo: “So this was the point at which the director said ‘use everything we shot’”
Yeah, where did that lighthouse come from?! They’re in the bayou!
Crow: “Well, it’s up to the navy now, it’s out of our jurisdiction.”
So, the bikers hold up in a lighthouse.
Crow: “Oh, great hideout; if they have to spend any time in there they can eat the bricks I guess.”
And another cop is down…and another…and another!
Banjo: “I got one; I got me a man!”
Servo: “Great, now go shoot a cop.”
Banjo panics, runs out, and somehow avoids getting shredded despite the fact that, as Servo points out, he’s about two-feet away from the cops and unarmed and wrestling with a motorcycle.
And there he goes; hit by a shotgun at about a hundred yards on move! Had anyone involved in this movie used a gun before?
What?! The cop-chief hits a guy at the top of a lighthouse with a snub-nosed revolver?! See above comment.
Servo: “Live fast, die young, and a leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse.”
Rod heads for the top (for some reason) with Cheetah in hot pursuit.
Cheetah checks Fats’ corpse:
Joel: (as Fats) “He’s upstairs”
Servo (as Cheetah): “Thanks, Fats. You know, you’re smarter dead.”
Joel does a weird little voice for Fats…
I love how they kind of thrust their guns to indicate they’re firing…
Cheetah points right at the camera:
Crow: “Woah! Servo save yourself!”
And Linda shoots Cheetah before he can kill Rod. (why?)
And the police arrest Linda.
High angle shot:
Crow: “Hey! It’s God-cam!”
Joel: “You know, I’m gonna miss her and her murderous ways.”
My basic attitude.
The cop pats Rod on the back.
Servo: “Well Rod, thirteen dead cops, six dead innocent bystanders, a couple of dead bikers, good work!”
And the sappy folk song plays again. It’s not a very good song, of course.
Final segment: The bots are depressed, Joel is happy, teaching them to laugh at the worst elements of the film (you’d think they’d already know about this). The Mads are disturbed at how happy they are…though Frank agrees with them. Joel reads a letter as they party. Frank parties as well, until Dr. F puts him down with a huge hypodermic needle.
No stinger; I guess they forgot.
My pick would be the classic: “That square bugs me…HE REALLY BUGS ME!!!”
Movie Quality Rating:
1. The Crawling Eye
2. The Black Scorpion
3. Mad Monster
4. Rocketship XM
5. Moon Zero Two
6. The Crawling Hand
7. Catalina Caper
8. Jungle Goddess
9. Wild Rebels
10. The Corpse Vanishes
11. Ring of Terror
12. Untamed Youth
13. The Slime People
14. Project Moonbase
15. The Sidehackers
16. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
17. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
18. Rocket Attack USA
19. Robot Holocaust
20. Robot Monster
Conclusion: a very stupid movie makes for some very funny riffing, plus strong host segments make this a solid episode.
Final Rating: 7/10.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Death’s Plea
What will, Oh Lord, become of me,
Your humble servant Death?
When you at last fulfill your plan
What then will I have left?
Well do I know how late it was
I entered in your plan
For I was born from sin and pride
And from the fall of man.
Yet Lord, I still have served you well
Through many ages past
It was with me you saved the world
And vanquished sin at last.
Yet still, oh Lord, they hate and fear
And curse my very name.
For through their sins they come to grief
And give to me the blame.
But you alone I serve, oh Lord
As you do know so well;
It is through me they come to you,
If yet, through me, to Hell.
So what, oh Lord, becomes of me?
Oh Lord, I ask you why,
If all your servants come to life,
That Death alone should die?
Your humble servant Death?
When you at last fulfill your plan
What then will I have left?
Well do I know how late it was
I entered in your plan
For I was born from sin and pride
And from the fall of man.
Yet Lord, I still have served you well
Through many ages past
It was with me you saved the world
And vanquished sin at last.
Yet still, oh Lord, they hate and fear
And curse my very name.
For through their sins they come to grief
And give to me the blame.
But you alone I serve, oh Lord
As you do know so well;
It is through me they come to you,
If yet, through me, to Hell.
So what, oh Lord, becomes of me?
Oh Lord, I ask you why,
If all your servants come to life,
That Death alone should die?
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