(Yes, another long delay: hopefully things will go a little smoother now that I'm out of school)
The second Gamera film is, by far, the best of the old series. The main reason for this is that it is the only film in the series to focus entirely upon adults: there are no children in this story. A solid plot about a treasure-hunt gone bad anchors the human story while Barugon is as unique and imaginative a monster as Gamera was and makes for a creditable threat. The human characters are actually kind of interesting and I found myself getting caught up in the brisk, easy-to-follow storyline. In short, this is an actually good Kaiju film; the only one of the old Gamera series that I would place on par with the Godzilla movies of the time.
One rather surprising aspect about the film is that Gamera himself is barely in it: he shows up for an opening sequence attacking a dam, then basically vanishes except for a brief encounter with Barugon until the climax. Quite honestly, if they came up with an alternative means to defeat Barugon, Gamera could have been excised entirely and the film wouldn’t have lost much (I don’t know what it says about the original Gamera films that the best of the lot could easily have been made without Gamera).
So the movie here is above-average for MST3k. The riffing, meanwhile, is also solid, though not brilliant (the best line is Crow’s “Solipsism is its own reward”). And the host segments are also solid, with the best being the brilliant “5000 Piece Fighting Men-and-Monsters Set.” It’s incredibly densely written and goes by so fast that you can barely keep up with the jokes and probably will have to watch it a few times to catch them all.
A pretty decent movie, great riffing, and solid host-segments make for a good episode.
Opening: Tom and Crow have a user-interface war. An instructive look into the early days of personal computers. It’s also pretty funny, especially Tom’s overreaction to Crow’s snark about Mac System 7.
Invention Exchange: (Crow’s arm falls off early on) Joel has an animatronic pop-can to be a spokes-person for recycling. It’s really cute. We also get to see Servo’s extend neck again! The Mads have the cumber-bubble-bum (which Joel invented in Episode 107, Robot Monster). Joel notes it’s familiar as they go into the theater.
Credits, over the ocean like in the first movie, except this one’s in color.
And we get some flash-backs to the first movie.
Servo: “A little background first!”
Narrator: “Again there was failure.”
Joel: “And deep personal shame.”
We learn that the Z-Plan Rocket (which looks completely different this time, by the way) got hit by a meteorite, so Gamera’s back.
Gamera returns and attacks a dam, destroying it and killing untold numbers of innocent people. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
Joel: (as Gamera) “I just can’t get close to anyone anymore!”
Servo: “Tokyo, I think it’s about time to start thinking about Solar Power.”
(on the view of the destruction)
Servo: “Woah, looks like Wimberley Stadium after a soccer match.”
And Gamera leaves to feast on a volcano after bursting the dam.
We cut to a couple of guys in a plane talking.
Pilot: “This is my last day up here.”
Joel: “I will serve my master down there.”
Other pilot: “But you’ve just earned your wings after so much dedicated work.”
Servo: “Clarence.”
Cut to some women playing a stringed instrument.
Servo : “I never knew a cheese-grater could sound this good.”
Then a close up on some guys gathering bombs…
Servo: “This oughta shut em’ up.”
…and guns…
Joel: “Oh, come on, now, they’re not that bad!”
Servo: “Uh, guys, maybe you shouldn’t be smoking around those things.”
And the pilot shows up to join them.
Joel: “Hi, I’m dangerous to myself and others.”
Pilot gives the lead guy (his brother) all his money then comments that he wants his own aircraft company.
Brother: “That’ll take money…”
Crow: “And you don’t have any. He just took it.”
Brother says that he found a huge opal during the war and now he wants to go back for it.
Pilot’s name is Kaseke.
So, they’re not exactly crooks, but not exactly honest either. I like the ambiguity here.
Kaseke: “You mean we’re to quit the ship without leave and then reboard it again?”
Crow: “That’s dishonest!”
So they take the grenades and guns to defend themselves against all the creatures in the jungle.
On the ship, Kaseke and crazy-guy work as janitors while a third guy is an officer.
And we arrive on the island, with a lot of dancing girls.
Servo: (interpreting the native dance) “The Male of the tribe is saying ‘how about dinner and a movie?’ the female responds with ‘okay, but I’ve seen “Manikin” already.’ The male says he just wants to sleep, but the female wants to talk.”
And they’re interrupted by the helicopter with the three guys arriving (the helicopter spooks the natives).
Joel: “I’ll shoot myself to prove we’re friendly.”
They’re suddenly confronted with a hot native girl who speaks English (or Japanese: same thing)
Joel: “Hey, has anyone called dibs yet? Dibs!”
Crow: (as native girl) “Are you smitten by my eyes by now?”
And an old doctor shows up.
Doctor: “And I have been extremely fortunate. Hokaren is my assitent.”
(indicates hot native girl)
Joel: “Oh, we get the picture.”
(warning them off from the cave they’re looking for)
Hokaren: “It’s called Rainbow Valley”
Crow: “The Care-Bears live there.”
And of course they ignore the warnings and shoot their way out (just a warning, but it’s still mean).
First Host Segment: 5000 Piece Fighting Men and Monsters set! Astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Gamera spits real fire and causes real pain! It’s hilarious! And I want it!
Back in the movie they’re searching the cave and find the opal. Officer guy goes nuts with excitement and gets eventually killed by a scorpion (crazy-guy sees it, but says nothing).
Servo: “Uh, death where is thy sting? We’re waiting.”
It’s actually kind of sad when he dies, when he was so happy just before and crazy-guy just stood there and let him.
Servo: “Hey, let’s put him in a real scary pose.”
Kaseke cries, crazy guy just talks about the opal.
Crazy-guy puts the opal in his pack, then pulls out a few grenades to kill Kaseke with.
Servo: “Hey, that’s not very respectful of your friend’s feelings!”
(watching him light the bombs)
Crow: “Oh, the roadrunner’s never gonna fall for this.”
(after the cave blows up)
Crow: (as crazy-guy) “Oh, shoot! I should have been out of the cave first! Note to self; get out of the cave before blowing it up.”
But Kaseke survived! And is being tended to by the natives.
Crow: “Saigon. I can’t believe I’m still in Saigon.”
Servo: “Oh, he’s missing the Luau!”
(Hokaren comes in)
Crow: “He can wait!”
Hokaren: “Don’t think we saved you out of kindness…”
Joel: “We just like our meat fresh.”
Kaseke: (on the drum-beating natives) “What are they doing?”
Crow: “It’s a long drum solo. It’s not your place to ask.”
The doctor and Hokaren try to convince Kaseke how important the opal is, and that it’s not really an opal.
Hokaren: “You’ve touched something evil.”
Crow: “Oh, I suppose you’re perfect.”
We cut to the ‘opal’ hatching.
Servo: “I think we have pretty much determined that it is not an opal.”
Servo: “Caution: filling is hot and alive.”
Meanwhile, crazy-guy is on the boat rejecting expressions of sympathy for his dead friends.
And the ship begins sinking thanks to the recently hatched monster…then it blows up.
Servo: “At seven PM a main hatch-way caved in.”
(as refugees from the ship are brought to shore)
Servo: “Welcome to Elis Island, your name is now Bob Smith.”
Brother is looking for Kaseke and others, only finds crazy-guy.
Crazy-guy says both friends are dead
Crazy-guy: “He slipped and fell.”
Crow: “Onto some live grenades.”
Pointing-guy: “Hey! What’s that?”
Crow: “It’s your finger and it’s pointing. Dope.”
(the sea begins to churn and bubble)
Servo: “Oh, it’s the ghost of Esther Williams!”
And the fully-grown Barugon shows up.
Joel: “Hi, I’m a juicy new character. Enjoy me! I’m what’s known as the complication. The antagonist, if you will.”
Brother says something incomprehensible.
Joel: “What did he say?”
Crow: “Well, roughly translated it means ‘beat cheeks.’”
They note that Barugon looks kind of like a dog.
Barugon reveals his ramming-tongue to smash a building with it.
Joel: “I’m your boyfriend now, bleh!”
Second Host Segment: Crow and Servo are old Minnesotan women eating out and Joel’s their waiter. It’s a weird little sketch, especially Crow and Servo’s rather disturbing little faces. It’s amusing more than funny.
Back in the movie Barugon is approaching Osaka while brother and crazy-guy discuss getting the opal back.
Crazy-guy let’s slip that he killed his friends. Brother starts attacking him.
Joel: “Tiny-Tim no!”
They fight, crazy-guy wins (it’s surprisingly vicious, especially as crazy-guy smushes him under two heavy lockers)
Barugon begins smashing up the city.
Joel: “You know, I miss my Hot Wheels set.”
(Barugon uses his tongue to freeze the military)
Joel: “You know, you don’t see that a lot in nature.”
Servo: “Property values plummet as whole neighborhoods suffer from freezer-burns.”
Joel: “Oh, I saw a wire! That wrecks the whole thing!”
General: “The monster can destroy everything with its tongue.”
Crow: “You try saying that without laughing.”
(on a sleeping Barugon)
Crow: “He’s dreaming of big, mutated, armor-plated rabbits.”
Barugon uses a rainbow to vaporize the missiles meant to kill him.
Servo: “Well, that went well.”
And Gamera shows up, attracted by the rainbow.
(on some refugees)
Joel: “Oh, Reverend Moon is holding a prayer and share!”
And we learn from a news report that Gamera was frozen solid by Barugon.
Kaseke and Karen show up and she recognizes Barugon.
Kaseke: “Karen, what’s wrong? Are you ill?”
Joel: “I’m carrying Barugon’s child!”
Karen claims to know Barugon’s weakness.
Barugon smashes a bridge.
Joel: “That’s a bridge over troubled models.”
Kaseke and Karen confront crazy-guy and fight.
Servo: “Oh, that’s good, hit him with whicker.”
Karen just stands by…
Crow: “Uh, honey, you can jump in here any time. Anytime…”
She hits crazy-guy with a bottle.
Crow: “Thank you!”
Kaseke winds up winning and tying him up.
Crow: “You’re lucky my chick’s here, man!”
Karen notices he was cut and sucks his blood. Yeah, it’s kind of weird.
Joel: “You are one spooky chick! You mind if I don’t call you again?”
Jump cut to Karen and Kaseke talking to some generals. Apparently Barugon’s weakness is water.
She provides a diamond to tempt Barugon to his death.
Karen: “If you don’t believe me, you are doubting the gods.”
Joel: “Woah, guess I stepped on a few toes there.”
Kaseke: “It’s the only plan that hasn’t been tried.”
Crow: “Well, what about the Z-plan?”
Crazy-guy is freed by some random lady, who cuts him free.
Joel: “Ow, cut the ropes, not my wrists!”
And they hear the news reports about the plan, including the diamond. Crazy-guy decides he wants the diamond.
Crow (as Barugon): “Oh, right, I’m heading for the lake, what you think I was born yesterday? Oh, wait, I was…”
Joel: “You know, don’t you think a disco-ball would be a little cheaper?”
And Barugon randomly decides not to follow the diamond.
Generals yell at Karen for the plan’s failure. Kaseke stands up for her.
General sees Karen crying into Kaseke’s arms.
Joel: “I hate to pull rank on you son, but…”
Random guy notes that Barugon was exposed to an infared ray, which Karen says is why he grew up so fast (as in, what should have taken ten years took an hour at most).
Karen: “He’s really a freak with an abnormal body.”
Crow: “I know the feeling.”
That’s also why Barugon didn’t want the diamond, so they decide to expose the diamond to the same ray.
Kaseke: “Karen, is there any way to make him stay where he is now?”
Crow: “We could staple him to the floor…”
Turns out rain freezes him (no word on why they can’t just blow him up then).
And after irradiating the diamond, they try again.
(as a car approaches the sleeping Barugon)
Servo: “And here comes a hapless family on a Sunday ride.”
Kaseke: “Good…”
Servo: “Well said.”
Kaseke: “What’s wrong?”
Joel: “Everything! We’ve got to lengthen the movie!”
Third Host Segment: They’re hanging out on the beach and Joel talks about the drive-in movies and the ‘stars’ in this movie. Servo and Crow start to worry about his sanity. He goes off the rails at the end, and his mispronounces “Willem Dafoe”’s name.
In the movie, crazy-guy suddenly shows up and steals the diamond at gun-point.
Servo: “Guys, I’m starting to doubt their friendship.”
And he gets eaten for his troubles.
Joel: “Help me! I’m being Frenched to death!”
(on the dismayed heroes)
Crow: “Why are they so sad? That’s the guy who killed his brother!”
Crow: “Well, that’s it. We’re licked.”
(Joel takes an arm for that one!)
Next morning, Karen notes that she always wanted to see the devastating rainbow with her own eyes.
Kaseke: “It’s our punishment for wanting so much wealth.”
Servo: “So what’s gonna happen to Donald Trump?”
They realize that the rainbow doesn’t affect mirrors.
General: “Can we use it against Barugon?”
Crow: “No, but it’s something to do.”
And Kaseke develops a plan, which he illustrates by waving a welding torch around.
They plan to reflect the rainbow onto Barugon and so kill him.
Servo: “Tanks of Windex are commissioned by the government! Kids are told by the thousands not to smudge the mirrors!”
So they attack him to draw out his rainbow…it works and he destroys the tanks.
Joel: “Uh, what was that about repositioning the tanks?”
Servo: “Too late.”
But the rainbow is reflected and Barugon gets burned.
They think Barugon is dead.
Crow (as Barugon): “I’m faking!”
Turns out he isn’t dead.
Kaseke: “We must arouse him!”
Crow: “Hey, I listened to the diamond thing, but I am not going to ‘arouse’ him!”
Karen explains that Barugon will never send out another rainbow since he has learned from his mistake.
Kaseke: “There’s nothing we can do!”
Servo: “That’s the spirit.”
But now Gamera begins to thaw.
Narrator: “Gamera has regained consciousness.”
Servo: “And his pilot has been re-lit”
Servo: “Finally, a fight!”
And fight they do.
It’s actually kind of cool, with Gamera repeatedly gashing him with his tusks, then finally dragging him into the lake to kill him.
General: “He’s completely defeated.”
Servo: “Then why do I feel so empty?”
Joel: “Hey, shouldn’t they kill Gamera now that they’ve got him right there?”
And Kaseke and Karen have a heart-to-heart.
Kaseke: “I feel so alone right now…”
Crow: “Solipsism is its own reward.”
And Karen takes his hand and the movie ends.
Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘Support your Local Sheriff.’”
Crow sticks around after Joel and Servo leave to see how it turns out (it’s just the credits).
Final Host Segment: Joel explains why Gamera gets top billing despite a total screen-time of about five minutes, then presents some books about monsters in the film business. It’s pretty funny, especially the audio-version of ‘The Velveteen Turtle.’ Then a letter. Frank buys the uncut version of “The Stand” by Stephen King. It’s too heavy for Dr. F. to lift.
Stinger: Sweaty-guy laughs. Meh, not bad.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Gamera vs. Barugon
5. Mad Monster
6. Lost Continent
7. Gamera
8. First Spaceship to Venus
9. Rocketship XM
10. Moon Zero Two
11. Godzilla vs. Megalon
12. The Crawling Hand
13. Catalina Caper
14. King Dinosaur
15. Jungle Goddess
16. Wild Rebels
17. The Corpse Vanishes
18. Ring of Terror
19. Untamed Youth
20. The Slime People
21. Project Moonbase
22. The Sidehackers
23. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
24. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
25. Cave Dwellers
26. Pod People
27. Hellcats
28. Rocket Attack USA
29. Robot Holocaust
30. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A surprisingly good movie, plus some amusing riffing, makes for a solid episode.
Final Rating: 8/10.
Showing posts with label Mst3k. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mst3k. Show all posts
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
MST3K – 303: Pod People
Here we have one of the most famous episodes of the series: Pod People. As Dr. F. says, it has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting.
The film was originally conceived as a straight-up monster movie, an Italian-French co-production. The problem came when “E.T.” came out right before production, and the producers, wanting to cash in on the massive success of that movie, forced the director to awkwardly shove in a subplot about a little boy befriending one of the monsters. The result is a movie that lurches between three or four plot lines and scyzophrenicly wavers between portraying the monsters as inhuman killing machines or misunderstood innocents. Meanwhile, the aliens look like ape suits with elephant masks attached (shades of “Robot Monster”), the little boy has some very odd mannerisms and is obviously dubbed by a woman, the teenage band members (obviously the original stars before the boy was written in) carefully explain why their leader’s girlfriend shouldn’t mind him sleeping with a groupie to further his own career, a couple of grouchy hunters add nothing whatsoever to the production, and the aliens display vast psychic powers but only kill people with karate chops.
Riffwise…well, it’s funny, to be sure, but it’s never been one of my favorites. The poor picture quality, lots of fog, soft, new-age music, and relatively small number of ‘laugh-out-loud’ moments makes this a bit of a chore to sit through. It took me three or four sessions to gather this review (although granted I had a lot of other work to do in the meantime). There are a number of very funny riffs on “Trumpy” (the alien befriended by the kid), but when he’s off screen the riffs die down a little. The end effect is more amusing than really funny to me.
The host segments are pretty strong, although nothing too memorable, but they’re amusing and don’t outstay their welcome. The episode also ends with a rather iconic song, ‘Clown in the Sky,’ which is even more bittersweet now that MST3k has gone forever from the airwaves.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Crow practices his one-man show, Robot on the Run as part their art show. Servo’s soliloquy is cut short when he can’t remember his line.
Invention Exchange: Joel has a new guitar chord for big finishes. It causes the guitar to explode. The Mads have the public-domain karaoke machine (which I could actually see working). Both inventions are more amusing than funny, though the blasted ‘bots are good.
Like “Cave Dwellers” and “Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster”, this movie’s credits play over footage of a different movie (in this case, Roger Corman’s “Galaxy of Terror”)
Crow (as a man prepares to hit the monster with a shovel): “I believe I’ll use my putter. Four!”
(the monster attacks a girl)
Joel: “This is the Swamp Thing versus the Sweet Thang.”
The film proper starts with a retreating star-field.
Servo: “Boldly backing away from where no man has gone before.”
And we cut to a really foggy forest where some grouchy poachers pull up.
Crow (on a hunter): “Hey, does he look dorky enough?”
Poachers poach some eggs…
Meanwhile, we cut back and forth with a comet heading towards earth.
Now we cut to a kid being awakened by his pet cat.
Kid: “Naughty kitty…”
Joel: “You must be punished.”
Then the lights flicker and the kid looks through his telescope to see a weird green pulsing.
Servo (as the kid): “Hm. What pretentious crap.”
Back to the poachers…
Kid…
Poachers…
One of poachers says he saw something crash, the others don’t believe him, he goes off to investigate by himself.
And Joel tries to push one of the poachers over!
Cut to a pink cave, which they identify as Yoda’s home…then as Crow’s sinuses…then as Smuckers Jelly.
Poacher investigates the cave, which is filled with big eggs.
Crow: “Now Mr. Science is going to show us the white blood cells.”
And he drops the egg, and decides to randomly start smashing up all the eggs.
Joel: “I guess we know which came first now, don’t we?”
He’s stopped by an advancing point-of-view shot…
Servo: “BAWK! BAWK! BAWK! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!”
And the Poachers find the truck gone and realize they have to stay out there (since apparently they can’t find the truck about a hundred yards off).
Joel: “Are you comfortable sharing a sleeping bag with me?”
Cut to some deer…
Joel: “Bambi, humans are basically good…”
Cut to the poachers aiming at them.
Servo: “Oh, check that…”
Joel makes a few quips on the lead poacher’s blood lust.
Poacher: “I want to get the hell out of here!”
Servo: “I’m doing a one-man show: ‘Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson.’”
Servo: “You know, even the movie ‘The Fog’ didn’t have this much fog.”
Cut to a helicopter shot of the hills with fog coming up…
Servo: “It’s Julie Andrews…and she’s on fire!”
Cut to the kid’s eyes peering through a microscope.
Crow: “Ah! It’s the cameraman, he’s looking through the wrong lens!”
Kid tries to get his mean, drunk uncle interested in his centipede.
Crow: “He’s a loving and giving caregiver.”
And we cut to a recording studio.
Servo: “Ah, finally, a movie for our generation: swinging.”
Singer: “Hold it! It’s stinks!”
Crow: “We agree.”
And back to the woods.
Crow: “We’re just as confused as you are, folks.”
Hunters watch the rangers leave…
And back to the studio, where the guys express their confusion over the mumbled lyrics.
Crow: “Lyrics by Mrs. Johnson’s Kindergarten Class.”
They dub it “Hideous Control Now!”
And some people watching assure us “he’s the best.” Sure.
The song just kind of ends and the band leader is mad about something.
Song leader (named Rick) starts chewing out his band.
Recorder: “You want to hear it again?”
All: “No, no!”
Everyone plans to head up to the mountains (has this ever turned out well for any fictional character?)
One of the sluttier girls decides to dump her boyfriend because he can’t take off work for the weekend. Huh?
First Host Segment: Hideous Control Now. They reenact the song scene with the lyrics as they understood them. It’s pretty amusing, especially Gypsy coming in late every time and the Mads acting as the recorders.
Back in the movie the kid wants to go out to find more “specimens” as he calls them, then we cut right back to the studio where Rick and his girlfriend are making up and making out.
Girl: “You think the weather’s going to hold?”
Servo: “No, just stop.”
Girl: “Not a soul for miles.”
Crow: “I’m not bringing mine.”
Turns out Rick is bringing the chick he’s cheating with, along with his girlfriend. He’s just sleeping with her to get a better chance at selling his records.
And his friends convince his girlfriend to stay with him and not mind being used.
Joel: “You see, cheating is hip!”
Crow: “Hey, try to be nice to your boyfriend’s girlfriend.”
And back to the kid, who’s wandering around the woods and finds the cave.
Crow: “Boy I hate Kenny!”
Joel: “This isn’t Kenny, we like this kid.”
And back to the band driving up to the mountains while another bad song plays.
Singer: “What should I do?”
Crow: “Retire.”
Crow: “Hey, look, we paid for the van, we’re gonna film it!”
Cut to the cave (with its red, foggy entrance)
Joel: “Oh, great we were saved by the Gates of Hell.”
Crow (on the kid): “What’s he gonna do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?”
The kid finds the smashed eggs.
Joel: “Wow. Specimen Jackpot!”
About this time they start doing a gag where they call out a list of names ending with “chief? McCloud!” It’s pretty amusing (and they do it a lot in this episode), but it’d be too much trouble to transcribe it, so I’ll just mention it here.
(the kid selects the only unsmashed egg)
Crow: “Oh, that’ll go nice in his mutant-alien-hell-beast-from-space collection.”
And the kid stumbles on the body of the dead hunter from earlier.
Cut back to the teens.
Rick and his chick go off into the woods, where she starts making out until his girlfriend catches them.
And back around the camp-fire, chick starts taunting girlfriend, who splashes water in her face (can’t blame her)
Crow: “Coffee?”
Chick runs off.
Guy: “Let her cool off.”
Crow: “Yeah, or get eaten by creatures.”
Servo: “Snap an ankle, die of exposure.”
And indeed, the chick runs into the poachers, who start chasing her for no reason.
(back around the campfire)
Crow: “And there on the handle was…you’re not listening!”
(back to poachers chasing chick)
Poacher 1: “She’s a lot faster than I thought.”
Poacher 2: “Yeah, well you’re a jerk.”
Servo: “Ooh, touché.”
And chick runs into one of the monsters, causing her to scream and run off a cliff.
Inexplicably, the others hear her (even though they didn’t hear her screaming when she ran into the poachers)
Girl: “What was that?”
Servo: “Sounded like Laura leaping to her death.”
They find her and carry her off.
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move her spine around a lot.”
Teens bring chick back to the van, try to think of what to do. Girlfriend blames herself, blah, blah, blah.
Cut to kid’s house.
Servo: “Meanwhile in ANOTHER movie. *sigh* Patience, gentle viewer, this will all make sense in the end. Not.”
Amusing bit where the kid examines the egg.
Kid talks to his pets, takes the egg to bed with him.
Joel: “Right, he’s trying to hatch the egg. What is he, Horton?”
Back to the teens.
Servo: “So, is this movie A?”
Joel: “Beats me.”
Servo: “Let’s see, the hunters are in movie A, the kid is in movie B…”
Crow: “This must be movie C.”
Teens knock on the door to the kid’s cabin, kid’s mean uncle rebuffs them (he says something about ‘this time of night’ despite the fact that it’s clearly afternoon. They don’t even tint the screen dark at all!)
Mother comes and lets them in.
They just toss her onto the bed!
Mother: “With a good night’s rest she’ll be as right as rain.”
Joel: “Yeah, that’s what cures a crushed spine.”
Kid finds the egg has hatched (in his bed. Ew).
Second Host Segment: Joel sets up a wall of keyboards to make new-age music: Music from Some Guys in Space. Mostly it’s a chance to mock New-Age Music. It’s kind of amusing and doesn’t go on for too long (Crow’s sandwich is probably the best part).
In the movie we rejoin the poachers, who are camped out around a fire.
Lead Poacher: “Haven’t you screwed things up enough already?”
Crow: “Well, he did write the script…”
And the monster makes its appearance. It looks like a monkey-costume with an elephant’s head attached.
Poacher: “It looks like a cross between a pig and a bear…”
Crow: “A pear?”
The poachers decide to capture it (deducing on no evidence whatsoever that it’s harmless).
Poacher (to the monster): “You must be hungry. Have some.”
Crow: “It’s one of you, only gamier.”
Lead hunter jumps monster with a net, get’s kacked. Other hunter shoots it with a dart, which the monster just knocks off.
Crow: “Hey, that nose must be handy in hard-to-reach areas.”
Back to the kid.
Joel: “Hey, what gives? I’m on the milk-carton.”
The kid is feeding “Trumpy” as he calls him.
Kid: “You know what playing is, Trumpy?”
Crow: “Yes. It’s where I break you in half.”
Incidentally, Crow comes up with the funniest voice for Trumpy.
Cut away again.
Servo: “Meanwhile, in movie C.”
Crow: “I think this is movie D. D for dumb.”
Now we just cut back to kid and Trumpy, who is fully grown already and apparently eating the kid out of house and home.
Girl wakes up.
Servo: “Oh, what a nightmare. I dreamt I was a crappy actress in a horrible monster…film…hey, wait a minute!”
The girl notices something odd about the chick…
Servo: “Uh, hello, remember us, the audience? Can we see what it is, please?”
Mother shoos the kids out of the room (the chick is dead, by the way).
Crow: “Come on, breakfast is getting cold and she’s not getting any warmer.”
Now we get Crow’s famous “Potato Soliloquy,” which I would only spoil if I attempt to transcribe it. It’s one of the best bits they ever did.
Kid (to Trumpy): “Nobody must see you!”
Servo: “He doesn’t speak your language, dick-weed.”
Kid: “If you want to stay with me, you must do what I tell you.”
Crow: “I don’t think so.”
Trumpy vacuums up some peanuts.
Crow: “Oh, little potatoes.”
Kid: “These we’ll put away for later.”
Crow: “No! More!”
Kid: “Now we can play.”
Crow: “Like Hell! More food!”
Kid: “What do you know Trumpy?”
Crow: “Food! Eating! The Theater!”
Kid (showing Trumpy a jigsaw puzzle): “You see? The pieces fit together.”
Joel: “Oh, if only this film were so lucky.”
Back downstairs with the teens, one of whom is about to try going to radio for help with mean uncle.
And upstairs with kid and Trumpy.
Kid: “Do you have a mommy?”
Crow: “He was born of an omelet! Of course not!”
Trumpy makes the kid’s telescope view Africa for no real reason.
Kid: “You can do magic things!”
Crow: “It’s called ‘Evil,’ kid.”
And we get a completely random scene where Trumpy starts making the kid’s toys fly around the room and stuff.
Servo (as mother): “Tommy you stop warping time and space this instant.”
And we cut to teen and uncle on their way to a radio in the ranger’s cabin.
Servo: “Meanwhile in a winter movie somewhere.”
Joel: “Gosh, that last scene was goofy, I’m glad we weren’t in it.”
And back to the house with the teens, one of whom decides to try the T.V.
Girlfriend: “How can you kid around like this?”
Girl: “Because if I didn’t I’d be in hysterics…it doesn’t work.”
Joel: “I’m in hysterics!”
Kid goes back in his room to look for Trumpy, checks in his closet and…
Joel: “*SSSSSSSSSSLUURP*!”
Servo: “Face it, kid, Trumpy never loved you.”
Kid (to his cat): “Have you seen Trumpy?”
Joel (as cat): “He tried to eat me! He’s evil!”
Joel: “This is like the house of a million foyers.”
And back to the teen and uncle (and it’s no longer winter for some reason).
They approach cautiously, since no one’s home. The radio doesn’t work (of course). And they find the other poacher, dead.
Then they run into the monster, who kills the teen (mean uncle is attacked in his car, but we see he’ll get away).
Slutty girl helps mother cook and complains about how guys don’t want to sleep with her, then makes designs on the rangers if they show up.
Meanwhile, the kid keeps searching for Trumpy, who’s wandered off.
Joel: “Trumpy, bring me the girl! I desire to be read to.”
(kid looks for Trumpy with his telescope)
Joel: “Now Trumpy and I will do my version of ‘Rear Window’”
Slutty girl gets attacked by monster in the trailer.
Servo: “I think she found Trumpy.”
And the kid sees it all.
Servo: “When good pets do bad things!”
Uncle arrives back home and takes a few pot-shots at the monster.
Uncle: “It’s that damned animal!”
Rick: “What animal?”
Crow: “The damned one!”
Servo (as kid): “Faster Trumpy, kill, kill!”
Third Host Segment: They reenact the goofy “magic Trumpy” scene, with the bots as Trumpy. The ‘Mads look on in disbelief. It’s pretty funny, and we get a better look at the SOL set.
Rick (to mother): “I’m getting out of here, and if I were you I’d take the kid and leave.”
Servo: “Kid, what kid…oh, my God!”
Meanwhile the kid is wandering the woods looking for Trumpy (after he thinks he just saw Trumpy killing someone).
Random scene where Rick and uncle have an alpha-male battle which culminates in Rick blasting one of uncle’s liquor bottles.
And the kid arrives back at the house.
Servo: “You know, I’m starting not to believe this movie. I believed it when Alf went on a killing spree, but this…”
Kid finds Trumpy in his room. Trumpy claims he didn’t kill anyone.
Kid: “Uncle Bill wants to kill you.”
Joel: “My advice? Don’t let him!”
Kid: “What can we do?”
Servo: “You can put on a play in the backyard. Trumpy could be Cyrano!”
The kid decides that he and Trumpy will go hide in the woods.
Back to Rick and uncle. Uncle offers him a drink.
Crow: “Mint Julep?”
Servo: “*urp* No thanks, I’ve had twelve.”
Cut to girl in the shower.
Joel (singing): “Hmm, hmm, I’m in the shower, nothing will happen to me…”
Kid dressed Trumpy up in a parka.
Servo: “There, now you look like Admiral Perry playing the Elephant Man.”
Girl in shower attacked and killed by monster.
Servo: “She’s zestfully dead.”
Joel (as teens): “You know, this may sound crass, but we’re getting good at this.”
Crow (as Trumpy): “You’re my alibi, kid.”
Kid insists that the monster wants to be our friend (he’s channeling Kenny here).
Rick and uncle go out to hunt monster.
Trumpy wanders into the room, and the mother and girlfriend run…right past him instead of away from him.
Joel (as kid): “What’s he’s done is good.”
And now they’re all out in the woods, packing, and looking for the monster in the fog.
Kid: “We must go faster.”
Crow: “Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on! I’m wearing a big stuffed shirt!”
And kid runs into monster, immediately forgetting his assertion that the monsters want to be friends.
Servo: “I’m gonna batter-fry you, kid!”
Kid: “Mommy! Trumpy!”
Servo: “Kid, you were set up.”
Joel: “This is more intense than when Brad Brady got lost in the Grand Canyon.”
Trumpy shows up to vouch for the kid.
Kid: “I just want to help you.”
Joel: “I conspire against my own.”
Uncle gets killed by monster, monster gets killed by Rick.
Crow: “Time to take the mask off and see who it is. Do you folks at home know?”
Mom and girlfriend run through the woods, Mom trips.
Crow: “Oh, my ankle! It’s all bendy-wendy!”
The monster self-buries.
Then kid and Trumpy have a tearful good-bye…
Kid: “I’ll never forget you, Trumpy.”
Servo: “The way you callously knocked-off fifteen people. I’ll never forget that. Don’t ever change, Trumpy.”
Then the kid switches to yelling at Trumpy and telling him he hates him.
Joel: “Oh, that kid’s really having mood-swings.”
And Trumpy is left alone in the woods.
Crow: “I’ll…just…wait here then.”
Then Trumpy wanders off.
Crow: “I’m outta here, this place sucks.”
And we get the credits again with “Galaxy of Terror” footage.
Final Host Segment: “Clown in the Sky.” This is a rather iconic song for them, very well sung by Joel. It’s actually pretty touching, in a funny way. Oddly, it opens with Joel tearing Crow apart, he doesn’t seem to mind much.
Stinger: “It Stinks.” Perfect, that’s all.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Pod People
26. Hellcats
27. Rocket Attack USA
28. Robot Holocaust
29. Robot Monster
Conclusion: An iconic episode that is rather decent than great in my eyes.
Final Rating: 6/10.
The film was originally conceived as a straight-up monster movie, an Italian-French co-production. The problem came when “E.T.” came out right before production, and the producers, wanting to cash in on the massive success of that movie, forced the director to awkwardly shove in a subplot about a little boy befriending one of the monsters. The result is a movie that lurches between three or four plot lines and scyzophrenicly wavers between portraying the monsters as inhuman killing machines or misunderstood innocents. Meanwhile, the aliens look like ape suits with elephant masks attached (shades of “Robot Monster”), the little boy has some very odd mannerisms and is obviously dubbed by a woman, the teenage band members (obviously the original stars before the boy was written in) carefully explain why their leader’s girlfriend shouldn’t mind him sleeping with a groupie to further his own career, a couple of grouchy hunters add nothing whatsoever to the production, and the aliens display vast psychic powers but only kill people with karate chops.
Riffwise…well, it’s funny, to be sure, but it’s never been one of my favorites. The poor picture quality, lots of fog, soft, new-age music, and relatively small number of ‘laugh-out-loud’ moments makes this a bit of a chore to sit through. It took me three or four sessions to gather this review (although granted I had a lot of other work to do in the meantime). There are a number of very funny riffs on “Trumpy” (the alien befriended by the kid), but when he’s off screen the riffs die down a little. The end effect is more amusing than really funny to me.
The host segments are pretty strong, although nothing too memorable, but they’re amusing and don’t outstay their welcome. The episode also ends with a rather iconic song, ‘Clown in the Sky,’ which is even more bittersweet now that MST3k has gone forever from the airwaves.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Crow practices his one-man show, Robot on the Run as part their art show. Servo’s soliloquy is cut short when he can’t remember his line.
Invention Exchange: Joel has a new guitar chord for big finishes. It causes the guitar to explode. The Mads have the public-domain karaoke machine (which I could actually see working). Both inventions are more amusing than funny, though the blasted ‘bots are good.
Like “Cave Dwellers” and “Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster”, this movie’s credits play over footage of a different movie (in this case, Roger Corman’s “Galaxy of Terror”)
Crow (as a man prepares to hit the monster with a shovel): “I believe I’ll use my putter. Four!”
(the monster attacks a girl)
Joel: “This is the Swamp Thing versus the Sweet Thang.”
The film proper starts with a retreating star-field.
Servo: “Boldly backing away from where no man has gone before.”
And we cut to a really foggy forest where some grouchy poachers pull up.
Crow (on a hunter): “Hey, does he look dorky enough?”
Poachers poach some eggs…
Meanwhile, we cut back and forth with a comet heading towards earth.
Now we cut to a kid being awakened by his pet cat.
Kid: “Naughty kitty…”
Joel: “You must be punished.”
Then the lights flicker and the kid looks through his telescope to see a weird green pulsing.
Servo (as the kid): “Hm. What pretentious crap.”
Back to the poachers…
Kid…
Poachers…
One of poachers says he saw something crash, the others don’t believe him, he goes off to investigate by himself.
And Joel tries to push one of the poachers over!
Cut to a pink cave, which they identify as Yoda’s home…then as Crow’s sinuses…then as Smuckers Jelly.
Poacher investigates the cave, which is filled with big eggs.
Crow: “Now Mr. Science is going to show us the white blood cells.”
And he drops the egg, and decides to randomly start smashing up all the eggs.
Joel: “I guess we know which came first now, don’t we?”
He’s stopped by an advancing point-of-view shot…
Servo: “BAWK! BAWK! BAWK! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!”
And the Poachers find the truck gone and realize they have to stay out there (since apparently they can’t find the truck about a hundred yards off).
Joel: “Are you comfortable sharing a sleeping bag with me?”
Cut to some deer…
Joel: “Bambi, humans are basically good…”
Cut to the poachers aiming at them.
Servo: “Oh, check that…”
Joel makes a few quips on the lead poacher’s blood lust.
Poacher: “I want to get the hell out of here!”
Servo: “I’m doing a one-man show: ‘Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson.’”
Servo: “You know, even the movie ‘The Fog’ didn’t have this much fog.”
Cut to a helicopter shot of the hills with fog coming up…
Servo: “It’s Julie Andrews…and she’s on fire!”
Cut to the kid’s eyes peering through a microscope.
Crow: “Ah! It’s the cameraman, he’s looking through the wrong lens!”
Kid tries to get his mean, drunk uncle interested in his centipede.
Crow: “He’s a loving and giving caregiver.”
And we cut to a recording studio.
Servo: “Ah, finally, a movie for our generation: swinging.”
Singer: “Hold it! It’s stinks!”
Crow: “We agree.”
And back to the woods.
Crow: “We’re just as confused as you are, folks.”
Hunters watch the rangers leave…
And back to the studio, where the guys express their confusion over the mumbled lyrics.
Crow: “Lyrics by Mrs. Johnson’s Kindergarten Class.”
They dub it “Hideous Control Now!”
And some people watching assure us “he’s the best.” Sure.
The song just kind of ends and the band leader is mad about something.
Song leader (named Rick) starts chewing out his band.
Recorder: “You want to hear it again?”
All: “No, no!”
Everyone plans to head up to the mountains (has this ever turned out well for any fictional character?)
One of the sluttier girls decides to dump her boyfriend because he can’t take off work for the weekend. Huh?
First Host Segment: Hideous Control Now. They reenact the song scene with the lyrics as they understood them. It’s pretty amusing, especially Gypsy coming in late every time and the Mads acting as the recorders.
Back in the movie the kid wants to go out to find more “specimens” as he calls them, then we cut right back to the studio where Rick and his girlfriend are making up and making out.
Girl: “You think the weather’s going to hold?”
Servo: “No, just stop.”
Girl: “Not a soul for miles.”
Crow: “I’m not bringing mine.”
Turns out Rick is bringing the chick he’s cheating with, along with his girlfriend. He’s just sleeping with her to get a better chance at selling his records.
And his friends convince his girlfriend to stay with him and not mind being used.
Joel: “You see, cheating is hip!”
Crow: “Hey, try to be nice to your boyfriend’s girlfriend.”
And back to the kid, who’s wandering around the woods and finds the cave.
Crow: “Boy I hate Kenny!”
Joel: “This isn’t Kenny, we like this kid.”
And back to the band driving up to the mountains while another bad song plays.
Singer: “What should I do?”
Crow: “Retire.”
Crow: “Hey, look, we paid for the van, we’re gonna film it!”
Cut to the cave (with its red, foggy entrance)
Joel: “Oh, great we were saved by the Gates of Hell.”
Crow (on the kid): “What’s he gonna do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?”
The kid finds the smashed eggs.
Joel: “Wow. Specimen Jackpot!”
About this time they start doing a gag where they call out a list of names ending with “chief? McCloud!” It’s pretty amusing (and they do it a lot in this episode), but it’d be too much trouble to transcribe it, so I’ll just mention it here.
(the kid selects the only unsmashed egg)
Crow: “Oh, that’ll go nice in his mutant-alien-hell-beast-from-space collection.”
And the kid stumbles on the body of the dead hunter from earlier.
Cut back to the teens.
Rick and his chick go off into the woods, where she starts making out until his girlfriend catches them.
And back around the camp-fire, chick starts taunting girlfriend, who splashes water in her face (can’t blame her)
Crow: “Coffee?”
Chick runs off.
Guy: “Let her cool off.”
Crow: “Yeah, or get eaten by creatures.”
Servo: “Snap an ankle, die of exposure.”
And indeed, the chick runs into the poachers, who start chasing her for no reason.
(back around the campfire)
Crow: “And there on the handle was…you’re not listening!”
(back to poachers chasing chick)
Poacher 1: “She’s a lot faster than I thought.”
Poacher 2: “Yeah, well you’re a jerk.”
Servo: “Ooh, touché.”
And chick runs into one of the monsters, causing her to scream and run off a cliff.
Inexplicably, the others hear her (even though they didn’t hear her screaming when she ran into the poachers)
Girl: “What was that?”
Servo: “Sounded like Laura leaping to her death.”
They find her and carry her off.
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move her spine around a lot.”
Teens bring chick back to the van, try to think of what to do. Girlfriend blames herself, blah, blah, blah.
Cut to kid’s house.
Servo: “Meanwhile in ANOTHER movie. *sigh* Patience, gentle viewer, this will all make sense in the end. Not.”
Amusing bit where the kid examines the egg.
Kid talks to his pets, takes the egg to bed with him.
Joel: “Right, he’s trying to hatch the egg. What is he, Horton?”
Back to the teens.
Servo: “So, is this movie A?”
Joel: “Beats me.”
Servo: “Let’s see, the hunters are in movie A, the kid is in movie B…”
Crow: “This must be movie C.”
Teens knock on the door to the kid’s cabin, kid’s mean uncle rebuffs them (he says something about ‘this time of night’ despite the fact that it’s clearly afternoon. They don’t even tint the screen dark at all!)
Mother comes and lets them in.
They just toss her onto the bed!
Mother: “With a good night’s rest she’ll be as right as rain.”
Joel: “Yeah, that’s what cures a crushed spine.”
Kid finds the egg has hatched (in his bed. Ew).
Second Host Segment: Joel sets up a wall of keyboards to make new-age music: Music from Some Guys in Space. Mostly it’s a chance to mock New-Age Music. It’s kind of amusing and doesn’t go on for too long (Crow’s sandwich is probably the best part).
In the movie we rejoin the poachers, who are camped out around a fire.
Lead Poacher: “Haven’t you screwed things up enough already?”
Crow: “Well, he did write the script…”
And the monster makes its appearance. It looks like a monkey-costume with an elephant’s head attached.
Poacher: “It looks like a cross between a pig and a bear…”
Crow: “A pear?”
The poachers decide to capture it (deducing on no evidence whatsoever that it’s harmless).
Poacher (to the monster): “You must be hungry. Have some.”
Crow: “It’s one of you, only gamier.”
Lead hunter jumps monster with a net, get’s kacked. Other hunter shoots it with a dart, which the monster just knocks off.
Crow: “Hey, that nose must be handy in hard-to-reach areas.”
Back to the kid.
Joel: “Hey, what gives? I’m on the milk-carton.”
The kid is feeding “Trumpy” as he calls him.
Kid: “You know what playing is, Trumpy?”
Crow: “Yes. It’s where I break you in half.”
Incidentally, Crow comes up with the funniest voice for Trumpy.
Cut away again.
Servo: “Meanwhile, in movie C.”
Crow: “I think this is movie D. D for dumb.”
Now we just cut back to kid and Trumpy, who is fully grown already and apparently eating the kid out of house and home.
Girl wakes up.
Servo: “Oh, what a nightmare. I dreamt I was a crappy actress in a horrible monster…film…hey, wait a minute!”
The girl notices something odd about the chick…
Servo: “Uh, hello, remember us, the audience? Can we see what it is, please?”
Mother shoos the kids out of the room (the chick is dead, by the way).
Crow: “Come on, breakfast is getting cold and she’s not getting any warmer.”
Now we get Crow’s famous “Potato Soliloquy,” which I would only spoil if I attempt to transcribe it. It’s one of the best bits they ever did.
Kid (to Trumpy): “Nobody must see you!”
Servo: “He doesn’t speak your language, dick-weed.”
Kid: “If you want to stay with me, you must do what I tell you.”
Crow: “I don’t think so.”
Trumpy vacuums up some peanuts.
Crow: “Oh, little potatoes.”
Kid: “These we’ll put away for later.”
Crow: “No! More!”
Kid: “Now we can play.”
Crow: “Like Hell! More food!”
Kid: “What do you know Trumpy?”
Crow: “Food! Eating! The Theater!”
Kid (showing Trumpy a jigsaw puzzle): “You see? The pieces fit together.”
Joel: “Oh, if only this film were so lucky.”
Back downstairs with the teens, one of whom is about to try going to radio for help with mean uncle.
And upstairs with kid and Trumpy.
Kid: “Do you have a mommy?”
Crow: “He was born of an omelet! Of course not!”
Trumpy makes the kid’s telescope view Africa for no real reason.
Kid: “You can do magic things!”
Crow: “It’s called ‘Evil,’ kid.”
And we get a completely random scene where Trumpy starts making the kid’s toys fly around the room and stuff.
Servo (as mother): “Tommy you stop warping time and space this instant.”
And we cut to teen and uncle on their way to a radio in the ranger’s cabin.
Servo: “Meanwhile in a winter movie somewhere.”
Joel: “Gosh, that last scene was goofy, I’m glad we weren’t in it.”
And back to the house with the teens, one of whom decides to try the T.V.
Girlfriend: “How can you kid around like this?”
Girl: “Because if I didn’t I’d be in hysterics…it doesn’t work.”
Joel: “I’m in hysterics!”
Kid goes back in his room to look for Trumpy, checks in his closet and…
Joel: “*SSSSSSSSSSLUURP*!”
Servo: “Face it, kid, Trumpy never loved you.”
Kid (to his cat): “Have you seen Trumpy?”
Joel (as cat): “He tried to eat me! He’s evil!”
Joel: “This is like the house of a million foyers.”
And back to the teen and uncle (and it’s no longer winter for some reason).
They approach cautiously, since no one’s home. The radio doesn’t work (of course). And they find the other poacher, dead.
Then they run into the monster, who kills the teen (mean uncle is attacked in his car, but we see he’ll get away).
Slutty girl helps mother cook and complains about how guys don’t want to sleep with her, then makes designs on the rangers if they show up.
Meanwhile, the kid keeps searching for Trumpy, who’s wandered off.
Joel: “Trumpy, bring me the girl! I desire to be read to.”
(kid looks for Trumpy with his telescope)
Joel: “Now Trumpy and I will do my version of ‘Rear Window’”
Slutty girl gets attacked by monster in the trailer.
Servo: “I think she found Trumpy.”
And the kid sees it all.
Servo: “When good pets do bad things!”
Uncle arrives back home and takes a few pot-shots at the monster.
Uncle: “It’s that damned animal!”
Rick: “What animal?”
Crow: “The damned one!”
Servo (as kid): “Faster Trumpy, kill, kill!”
Third Host Segment: They reenact the goofy “magic Trumpy” scene, with the bots as Trumpy. The ‘Mads look on in disbelief. It’s pretty funny, and we get a better look at the SOL set.
Rick (to mother): “I’m getting out of here, and if I were you I’d take the kid and leave.”
Servo: “Kid, what kid…oh, my God!”
Meanwhile the kid is wandering the woods looking for Trumpy (after he thinks he just saw Trumpy killing someone).
Random scene where Rick and uncle have an alpha-male battle which culminates in Rick blasting one of uncle’s liquor bottles.
And the kid arrives back at the house.
Servo: “You know, I’m starting not to believe this movie. I believed it when Alf went on a killing spree, but this…”
Kid finds Trumpy in his room. Trumpy claims he didn’t kill anyone.
Kid: “Uncle Bill wants to kill you.”
Joel: “My advice? Don’t let him!”
Kid: “What can we do?”
Servo: “You can put on a play in the backyard. Trumpy could be Cyrano!”
The kid decides that he and Trumpy will go hide in the woods.
Back to Rick and uncle. Uncle offers him a drink.
Crow: “Mint Julep?”
Servo: “*urp* No thanks, I’ve had twelve.”
Cut to girl in the shower.
Joel (singing): “Hmm, hmm, I’m in the shower, nothing will happen to me…”
Kid dressed Trumpy up in a parka.
Servo: “There, now you look like Admiral Perry playing the Elephant Man.”
Girl in shower attacked and killed by monster.
Servo: “She’s zestfully dead.”
Joel (as teens): “You know, this may sound crass, but we’re getting good at this.”
Crow (as Trumpy): “You’re my alibi, kid.”
Kid insists that the monster wants to be our friend (he’s channeling Kenny here).
Rick and uncle go out to hunt monster.
Trumpy wanders into the room, and the mother and girlfriend run…right past him instead of away from him.
Joel (as kid): “What’s he’s done is good.”
And now they’re all out in the woods, packing, and looking for the monster in the fog.
Kid: “We must go faster.”
Crow: “Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on! I’m wearing a big stuffed shirt!”
And kid runs into monster, immediately forgetting his assertion that the monsters want to be friends.
Servo: “I’m gonna batter-fry you, kid!”
Kid: “Mommy! Trumpy!”
Servo: “Kid, you were set up.”
Joel: “This is more intense than when Brad Brady got lost in the Grand Canyon.”
Trumpy shows up to vouch for the kid.
Kid: “I just want to help you.”
Joel: “I conspire against my own.”
Uncle gets killed by monster, monster gets killed by Rick.
Crow: “Time to take the mask off and see who it is. Do you folks at home know?”
Mom and girlfriend run through the woods, Mom trips.
Crow: “Oh, my ankle! It’s all bendy-wendy!”
The monster self-buries.
Then kid and Trumpy have a tearful good-bye…
Kid: “I’ll never forget you, Trumpy.”
Servo: “The way you callously knocked-off fifteen people. I’ll never forget that. Don’t ever change, Trumpy.”
Then the kid switches to yelling at Trumpy and telling him he hates him.
Joel: “Oh, that kid’s really having mood-swings.”
And Trumpy is left alone in the woods.
Crow: “I’ll…just…wait here then.”
Then Trumpy wanders off.
Crow: “I’m outta here, this place sucks.”
And we get the credits again with “Galaxy of Terror” footage.
Final Host Segment: “Clown in the Sky.” This is a rather iconic song for them, very well sung by Joel. It’s actually pretty touching, in a funny way. Oddly, it opens with Joel tearing Crow apart, he doesn’t seem to mind much.
Stinger: “It Stinks.” Perfect, that’s all.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Pod People
26. Hellcats
27. Rocket Attack USA
28. Robot Holocaust
29. Robot Monster
Conclusion: An iconic episode that is rather decent than great in my eyes.
Final Rating: 6/10.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Mst3k–302: Gamera
And so, after another incredibly long delay, the MST3k Project is officially back on the air!
Here begins what will be a pattern in Season three of roughly every other film being a Japanese Sci-fi flick. This will prove a rich, fertile field for the Brains, for Japanese Sci-Fi Movies are some of the most bizarre films that mankind has ever committed to celluloid. And that’s not even considering the Japanese Special Effects style (which calls to mind the nursery rhyme: When it is good, it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid) or the half-hearted dubbing, usually with some rather odd accents and dialogue as they attempt to match the Japanese lip movements.
This is the first of the Gamera film series, which can probably be best described as the poor-man’s Godzilla. I know some Gamera fans have objected to that description, but it really is very apt. The Gamera films can certainly be enjoyable, but watching them tends to make the viewer realize how much better the contemporary Godzilla movies are.
For instance, the same year “Gamera” came out Toho released “Invasion of Astro Monster,” completing the trilogy that arguably represents the high-point of the early Godzilla series (not counting the original, of course). As part of the plot of that film, the Xian Aliens request that Godzilla and Rodan be sent to Planet X to defeat King Ghidorah, as they did on Earth in the previous film. The humans object that, even if they knew where the monsters were, it would be impossible for them to capture them and bring them there. The Xians assure them that they will handle that. Now compare that to the end of “Gamera,” where the humans defeat the giant turtle by shutting him in a giant rocket and shooting him off to Mars. As out-there as the Godzilla movies could be, they tended to maintain at least a tenuous connection with reality; a connection the Gamera series throws off like a suicidal bungee-jumper.
Well, anyway, the first Gamera movie shows how Gamera was awakened by a nuclear bomb accidentally detonated in the arctic, releasing him from his icy prison. His revival is witnessed by Dr. Hidaka, his daughter, Katherine, and a reporter named Alex, who is rather creepily obsessed with Katherine. Gamera’s first move is to destroy their ship, killing everyone on board (in a pathetic attempt to mirror the shipping disasters that open “Godzilla”). We then meet far and away the most frightening thing in this film: Kenny. This little brat is obsessed with turtles and as soon as he sees Gamera he becomes almost religiously devoted to him. Listening to Kenny is like reading the parts of a Tom Clancy novel written from the terrorists’ perspective. Honestly, this kid is really disturbing in the way he keeps insisting that Gamera is ‘good and gentle’ even while the monster is laying waste to Tokyo.
So, Gamera arrives in Japan, lays waste to the country for a while in his search for flames to eat (apparently Japan is the only nation that produces flames, since Gamera flies around the world several times but only ever attacks Japan. Oh, did I mention he can fly? Because he can). Kenny does everything he can to sabotage the efforts to stop Gamera, yet Hidaka and everyone still treat him with parental kindness rather than committing him (and there are some rather disturbing hints that Kenny is actually directing Gamera’s attacks somehow). Eventually a really contrived ending takes place, where Gamera is, indeed, locked in a giant rocket (seriously, that thing must be a mile tall at least) and shot into space (this was “Z Plan:” apparently something they had been working on long before Gamera showed up. No word on why exactly they made such a huge rocket in the first place).
So, yeah, the film is pretty bad. But it’s a friendly, fun kind of bad. Joel himself notes that it’s not such a bad movie. Gamera is a pretty cool monster, with his huge tusks and ability to shoot into the air like a flying saucer. If it weren’t for Kenny the film would be a pretty painless experience. As it is…well, at least Kenny doesn’t have as much screen time as some of his future cinematic brothers would.
The episode is very funny, with Joel and the ‘bots in top form throughout, riffing on the poor effects, Kenny’s creepiness, the odd voices, and so on. The host segments are all pretty strong too, each expertly spoofing the movie. So, a goofy-Japanese sci-fi flick, strong riffing, and strong host segments make this an all around excellent episode.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are warming up under Tom’s direction. It’s pretty amusing, and actually appropriate as they are warming up their voices; the kind of things actors do before performing.
Invention Exchange: Joel has an endless salad. It’s really endless. (Also a great bit where Crow tricks Tom into a ‘trust exercise’). Frank has invented a vacuum cleaner for cleaning bird cages. It sucks up the whole cage, bird and all. A very amusing sketch all around.
The credits open over close-up footage of the ocean.
Servo: “Water! The source of all life!”
Our first acquaintance with Sandy Frank, who will turn out to have one of the more painful relations with the Brains.
Servo: “Titles by the Atlantic Ocean.”
Cut to bombers in flight.
Servo: “Oh, death from on high. Neat.”
Crow: “Micro Machines at five-o’clock! And GI Joe is there!”
Reporter: “It looks wild!”
Girl: “You can say that again.”
All: “It looks wild!”
Crow (on a dog in the background): “Ruff. Arf.”
Anyway, three characters meet with some Eskimos and then notice the bombers overhead.
Sailor: “Do you think Dr. Hidaka will learn anything from the Eskimos?”
Servo: “Oh, get real!”
Cut to an American base hearing about the bombers.
Crow: “Americans? What are they doing in the film?”
General: “Have you spotted anything on your radar screen?”
Really bad actor: “No sir. It must coated with anti…electric wave paint sir.”
Joel: “Cut! Cut! Let’s do that again!”
Servo: “Hey, it’s Curly Joe as the General.”
Sailor: “Captain, will they attack us?”
Captain: “I doubt it.”
Joel: “They’re models.”
Some American planes chase the mysterious bombers.
(Bomber fires a missile out its rear)
Joel: “Uh, you lost your muffler.”
(American planes shoot down bombers)
Servo: “And that’s just a warning.”
Girl: “It looks like that air plane carried atomic weapons.”
Servo: “Which means we’re all dead.”
Scientist: “Be careful, don’t go into that area, there’s radiation there.”
Servo: “And as everyone knows it can only affect you if you touch it.”
The ice melts and breaks.
Servo: “And so, in fear and hot water, the first slurpy is born!”
And Gamera breaks out of the ice!
(Girl fiddles with radio while an Eskimo kid stands next to her)
Girl: “Atmospheric conditions are bad and I can’t make contact.”
Servo: “And this little kid keeps twisting all the dials.”
(Joel smacks the kid)
Hidaka: “Good-bye, Chief.”
Crow: “Good-bye McCloud.”
(They’ll really run that gag into the ground next episode)
And the Eskimo chief gives the scientist the ‘Legendary stone’ with pictures of Gamera.
Eskimo: “It is the devil’s envoy!”
Servo: “Kissinger?”
Eskimo: “Gamera!”
Servo: “Oh.”
(examining the stone)
Hidaka: “There are waves around it, it must be aquatic…”
Crow: “Like a duck?”
And the sailors are watching Gamera through binoculars.
Gamera attacks the ship…
And kills everyone on board.
Some toy jets take off…
Servo: “Ice Station Tyco.”
(on a shot of a pilot with a black visor)
Servo: “I can’t see a damn thing. What’s going on, it’s pitch black in here?”
(pilot lifts the visor)
Servo: “Oh.”
(flying over a huge hole in the ice)
Crow: “Looks like we’re flying over the plot hole of the film.”
Cut to New York.
(on a sign saying ‘New York news studio’ which has been cut off by the camera)
Servo: “Oh, New York News Stud.”
Crow: “Hello, ladies!”
Hidaka and his daughter give a news conference with the stud.
(On the bored looking daughter)
Joel: “Sleep! Sleep!”
After the news conference we cut to a drunk old man walking home at night.
Servo: “Oh, this is the universal unsuspecting drunkard about to have a brush with the supernatural.”
And he sees a fireball flying around in the air (his main concern is that it changes its course, not that it’s a huge fireball).
Old Guy: “Maybe it’s the flying saucer I’ve heard them talk about…so much…lately.”
All (applause): “Bravo!”
Reporter (talking about flying saucers): “Even an old farmer outside of Tokyo claims he saw one.”
Servo: “But he’s old, goofy, and drunk.”
Cut to airplane where our three leads are flying.
Servo: “The captain has turned off the no-dubbing sign; you are free to speak any language you choose.”
So, wait, the girl flew from the Arctic to New York and now is flying home and only now realizes that they’re the only survivors?! I guess she’s a little slow.
Hidaka: “There were at least seven or eight camera men along with the expedition.”
Crow: “Now they’re Gamera men.”
Reporter guy confesses that he chose to go along with Hidaka to be with his daughter.
Cut to a lighthouse on the coast.
Lady (looking off screen): “Hello!”
All: “Hi!”
Lady: “Nice to see you.”
All: “Thank you!”
She’s meeting with Kenny’s teacher (who is Kenny? Oh, you’ll see, gentle reader, you’ll see).
Teacher: “He’s done a very strange drawing. I thought you should see it.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s me with the arrows through my head.”
We learn Kenny is obsessed with turtles.
Teacher: “Kenny’s not a bad student.”
Servo: “He’s just twisted.”
Teacher: “The other students make fun of him. They think he’s strange.”
Crow: “Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.”
Lady: “His mother died when he was very young.”
Joel: “She was mauled by turtles.”
Servo (as teacher): “Oh, and ask him to bathe. We must have some rules.”
Cut to Kenny’s family at dinner. Kenny sneaks some food from the table.
Lady: “Kenny? What are you doing with that?”
Joel (as Kenny): “Evil things. Horrible things.”
Lady: “Who’s all this food for?”
Joel: “Sauron the Dark Lord!”
And they make Kenny get rid of his pet turtle.
Servo (Makes flushing noises).
Joel: “See you on the other side, sweet friend.”
First Host Segment: Servo signs a heart-felt song to Tibby, Kenny’s pet turtle. It’s a great song and a great segment, especially when Crow tries to join in. Again, Kevin Murphy has a beautiful voice.
Crow: “Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?”
Back in the movie, Kenny is moping and Gamera pops up over the cliff looking at him. Kenny sees him.
Crow (As Gamera): “Those kids at school they tease you Kenny, because they’ve never tasted Hell. Today we turn the tables!”
Lady: “You’re seeing things!”
(Ground starts shaking)
Crow: “Oh, now you’re feeling things! Kenny, stop it.”
Gamera pops up again.
Crow (as Gamera): “What’s all this about not letting Kenny keep his turtle?”
And Kenny randomly climbs up into the lighthouse, which Gamera promptly smashes.
They’re all cheering for Kenny to fall (I’m with them). He does, but Gamera catches him (boo).
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move his spine around, he’s had a bad fall.”
Kenny starts insisting that Gamera must be good, because he saved him (after trying to kill him, note).
Cut to scientist etc.
Odd voice off screen: “Excuse me Dr. Hidaka?”
Crow: “I have this stabbing pain in my back!”
Joel does a great little other side of the phone voice.
Radio: “Reports are coming in about the devastation caused by Gamera. Although some of these come from unreliable sources.”
Crow: “Like Kenny.”
Kenny finds a pile of rocks.
Crow: “Oh, it’s Tibby’s burial mound!”
Servo: “Shut up.”
Kenny: “Tibby?”
Crow: “Or not ti-be!”
Kenny runs around calling for Tibby.
Crow: “Tibby? Tibby? Squish! Oh, Tibby!”
Joel: “What are you worried about, Tibby’s long dead Tom.”
Servo: “I’m leaving! This is terrible!”
Servo tries to exit through the other side of the theater.
Crow: “How does he expect Tibby to signal him? Light a flare?”
Cut to three heroes on another plane.
Joel: “Man, they’ve been on that plane for like forty-eight hours!”
Reporter guy is starting to get creepy in his obsession with the girl.
Dr. Hidaka: “He must be found soon. Or there’ll be chaos everywhere.”
(Cut to a guy with a clip-board)
Joel: “Let’s see there’s chaos here, chaos there, uh, yup, he’s right, chaos everywhere.”
Gamera starts heading for a geothermal power plant.
Three heroes show up as well.
Commander: “I’m sorry. Reporters aren’t allowed here.”
Servo: “But I’m a bad reporter…”
A guy with a rather odd voice shows up, much to Joel’s delight as he starts imitating him mercilessly.
Crow (after Joel does several quips in odd voice): “Stop please. You can be replaced by Leno, you know.”
Joel: “Sorry.”
Cut to heroes in a jeep.
Crow: “I-it’s s-s-o bu-umpy!”
And they try to electrocute Gamera as he attacks.
Guy: “The electrical shocks don’t seem to bother Gamera at all.”
Servo: “Hm. And I was counting very heavily on them.”
Military fires at Gamera.
Servo: “Three-Mile Island: The real story.”
Joel: “Doesn’t he kind of look like Godzilla with a backpack on?”
Gamera starts eating the fire.
Hidaka: “I must go back to the university.”
Crow: “You stay here.”
Cut to a university where we meet a scientist who looks a lot like a Col. Sanders.
Col. Sanders: “Gamera has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter.”
Joel: “Oh, like McDonalds.”
Soldier: “Commander, I believe we ought to call UN Headquarters!”
Servo: “Oh, what, so you’re in charge now?”
And Kenny is there for some reason and starts cheering for Gamera to run. Joel tries to cover his mouth.
Kenny screams that Gamera is good (despite all evidence to the contrary).
Kenny: “Gamera saved my life once.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s great kid. Guard!”
Kenny: “Gamera is a good turtle, sir.”
Servo: “Yep, what he’s done today is a benefit to all, kid.”
Soldier: “The plant is completely destroyed.”
Crow: “I told you to water the plant!”
Military suggests a freezing bomb, which only lasts for ten-minutes.
Katherine: “You mean it can really freeze anything?”
Crow: “Even a man’s passion?”
They really emphasize the ‘ten-minute’ limit.
Hidaka: “If we make a mistake the whole plan will fail!”
Servo: “No pressure, though.”
Second Host Segment: Crow does that voodoo that he do so well on Kenny via Joel’s Jim Varney doll. Joel tries to get them to feel some compassion for Kenny. It doesn’t work, of course. It’s a pretty funny sketch, especially Crow’s plan to give Kenny a big hug…and squeeze him, and squeeze him, and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeeeeze…Also contains perhaps the first mention of Kim Catrall, the future object of Crow’s affection.
Back in the movie, they’re bombing Gamera with the freezing bombs.
The plan ends with Gamera rolling onto his back.
Crow (as Gamera): “Tell Kenny I loved him.”
And they all expect Gamera to die shortly, since turtles can’t turn over.
Gamera pulls in his head and feet:
Servo: “I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!”
And Gamera starts his jets and flies off like a flying saucer.
Joel (on Hidaka): “Looks like it’s back to Botech for me.”
Hidaka: “They were trying to tell us that Gamera was a flying creature!”
Servo: “A little late, herr doktor.”
(A newspaper suddenly pops up on screen)
Servo: “Smash! Newspaper hits Japanese in face!”
(Cut to old guy reading paper)
Joel: “Ooh, that stung!”
And suddenly cut to Kenny and his mysterious female relative living in Tokyo:
Lady: “What are these stones for?”
Joel (as Kenny): “To hurt people. Life hurts me, so I hurt back.”
Lady: “I suppose this is another foolishness of yours.”
Crow: “I suppose now we’re going to be attacked by a giant rock.”
And Kenny and Lady burst in on Hidaka unannounced.
Katherine: “I told Kenny that when he was visiting Tokyo he ought to come and see us.”
Hidaka: “Oh, how nice.”
Servo: “I didn’t really mean…”
(Lady rambles on about what’s been happening with them)
Servo (as Hidaka): “Oh, how nice for you. Look, I need to get back to work.”
Kenny: “Doctor…”
Joel: “You’re going to die, sir.”
Kenny: “Gamera must be terribly lonely.”
Crow: “Kenny, he’s a turtle! Get a mitt and catch a clue!”
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera demands your instant death!”
Joel: “Your passing will be painless, doctor.”
Cut to Kenny having an argument with another boy over his stones.
Kenny: “Give me back my stones.”
Joel: “You were born of a jackal!”
Turns out the other kid threw Kenny’s stones into the river.
Joel (as Kenny): “DIE! DIE! DIE!”
Now cut to Kenny mopping in a bed, complete with Exorcist jokes.
Joel (as Kenny): “I am the dream warrior!”
And now cut to some fishermen complaining about how the fishing is so bad, then news about floods in Tokyo, complete with stock footage)
Crow: “Oh, ah, this is Pearl Harbor, how did this get in here?”
Hidaka blames Gamera for the disasters (this plot line goes nowhere, by the way).
Mirasu: “I am forced to admit there may be more disasters ahead.”
Servo: “More Gamera movies.”
Cut to a Tokyo airport, where Gamera shows up and kills everyone.
Joel: “Well, so much for Kenny’s theory about him being good-hearted.”
Cut to a rock band.
Crow: “Kenny and the Ken-Tones!”
And the dancers are literally too dumb to live, so they keep dancing while Gamera approaches, even as the police try to make them evacuate.
And Gamera takes down Tokyo Tower and pretty much kills everyone he sees.
Kenny creepily watches the destruction.
Lady: “Hurry, we must leave right away!”
Joel (creepy monotone): “There is still so much work to be done though, sister.”
In the aftermath of the destruction, the Lady tries to evacuate and realizes the Kenny is gone.
Servo: “Oh, who’s she kidding? She’s been wishing for this since frame one.”
So, Gamera is being kept at a coal plant by plying him with flames. Kenny inexplicably decides to go to him.
Crow (as Gamera): “Why? Why? The world was never meant for one as beautiful as me!”
Kenny hops a petroleum train heading for Gamera. Why? He’s psychotic, okay?
Crow makes a bad pun and Joel just casually rips his arm off and hits him with it!
(Guy answers phone)
Guy: “Did it work?”
Servo: “This is Gamera: knock it off!”
And one of the workers risks his life to try to save the ungrateful little psychopath.
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera, I’m coming to be in union with you!”
(as the guy tries to save Kenny)
Joel: “Don’t touch me infidel! The man-goat shall make you pay!”
And they both only barely survive (unfortunately).
The workers all mock Kenny (as do the guys), very justly.
Anyway, the government is now ready to execute “Z Plan.” What is Z Plan? You’ll see, gentle viewer.
Announcer: “The area is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.”
Joel: “Kenny, however, is free to move about.”
Indeed, Kenny stows away on the ship heading to the area.
Third Host Segment: The bots are in a beauty shop and are visited by Gamera (played by Mike Nelson). He’s really nice and admits that he’s using Kenny. It’s a fun little sketch.
Oddly, Joel is already in the theater when they return. He doesn’t believe they met Gamera.
Kenny travlling:
Joel (singing): “Hmm, death to the world…”
Crow (on the island where the end will take place): “Once a garden spot. Now, a playground of death.”
Hidaka: “Kenny, you’re a friend of Gamera, aren’t you?”
Servo: “Oh, very much so!”
Joel: “I am his key-master.”
(Kenny looks thoughtful)
Joel: “Now let’s see, what could I screw up big time…yeah, that’s it! Boats! Everybody needs boats!”
The military creates a line of fire across the ocean to the site of Z Plan (it’s actually a pretty cool shot).
Gamera follows the line of fire, gobbling it up.
But oh noes! A Typhoon threatens to put out the fire!
Joel: “Emperor Kenny, it’s got a nice ring to it. I shall soon be crowned king.”
Hurrah! Reporter guy starts setting fire to the installation to draw Gamera! (and no one else thought of that for some reason).
Servo: “And now Gamera in a scene from ‘From Here to Eternity’”
Joel: “That’s more like the length of this movie.”
But oh noes! The rain puts out the fire!
Crow (as Gamera): “You never loved me, Kenny! It’s just the rocks you cared about!”
Hurrah! A volcano goes off and Gamera is drawn back! (seriously, this whole climax is amazingly contrived).
So they put Z Plan into operation (which Kenny is suddenly excited about, even though he did his best to sabotage it a few minutes ago).
By the way, we get a really pretty impressive mate painting here.
Crow: “Oh, good, Kenny’s here: we can start.”
Joel: “Get me a phone to Moscow and a chocolate doughnut for Kenny.”
So, Z Plan was to trap Gamera in the enormous rocket they just had sitting around and shoot him into space.
Crow and Servo start singing the MST3k Theme song! Joel is not pleased.
And everyone’s happy! Hidaka advises Katherine to give up science and marry reporter guy. Kenny plans to see Gamera again.
Kenny: “Gamera! See you soon!”
Crow (as Gamera): “Hey, Kenny! Get bent!”
Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘The Bells of Saint Mary’s!’”
Final Host Segment: “A quality cast deserves a second look.” Tom gives a second look at the characters in the film. It’s very funny. Then we get a letter. Joel comments that this wasn’t such a bad movie this time. The Mads are not happy about that.
Stinger: Eskimo says “Bye.” It’s a pretty decent moment, just for the way he says it. An acceptable stinger.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Hellcats
26. Rocket Attack USA
27. Robot Holocaust
28. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A goofy monster movie, some great riffing, and strong host segments make this an all-around great episode.
Final Rating: 10/10.
Here begins what will be a pattern in Season three of roughly every other film being a Japanese Sci-fi flick. This will prove a rich, fertile field for the Brains, for Japanese Sci-Fi Movies are some of the most bizarre films that mankind has ever committed to celluloid. And that’s not even considering the Japanese Special Effects style (which calls to mind the nursery rhyme: When it is good, it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid) or the half-hearted dubbing, usually with some rather odd accents and dialogue as they attempt to match the Japanese lip movements.
This is the first of the Gamera film series, which can probably be best described as the poor-man’s Godzilla. I know some Gamera fans have objected to that description, but it really is very apt. The Gamera films can certainly be enjoyable, but watching them tends to make the viewer realize how much better the contemporary Godzilla movies are.
For instance, the same year “Gamera” came out Toho released “Invasion of Astro Monster,” completing the trilogy that arguably represents the high-point of the early Godzilla series (not counting the original, of course). As part of the plot of that film, the Xian Aliens request that Godzilla and Rodan be sent to Planet X to defeat King Ghidorah, as they did on Earth in the previous film. The humans object that, even if they knew where the monsters were, it would be impossible for them to capture them and bring them there. The Xians assure them that they will handle that. Now compare that to the end of “Gamera,” where the humans defeat the giant turtle by shutting him in a giant rocket and shooting him off to Mars. As out-there as the Godzilla movies could be, they tended to maintain at least a tenuous connection with reality; a connection the Gamera series throws off like a suicidal bungee-jumper.
Well, anyway, the first Gamera movie shows how Gamera was awakened by a nuclear bomb accidentally detonated in the arctic, releasing him from his icy prison. His revival is witnessed by Dr. Hidaka, his daughter, Katherine, and a reporter named Alex, who is rather creepily obsessed with Katherine. Gamera’s first move is to destroy their ship, killing everyone on board (in a pathetic attempt to mirror the shipping disasters that open “Godzilla”). We then meet far and away the most frightening thing in this film: Kenny. This little brat is obsessed with turtles and as soon as he sees Gamera he becomes almost religiously devoted to him. Listening to Kenny is like reading the parts of a Tom Clancy novel written from the terrorists’ perspective. Honestly, this kid is really disturbing in the way he keeps insisting that Gamera is ‘good and gentle’ even while the monster is laying waste to Tokyo.
So, Gamera arrives in Japan, lays waste to the country for a while in his search for flames to eat (apparently Japan is the only nation that produces flames, since Gamera flies around the world several times but only ever attacks Japan. Oh, did I mention he can fly? Because he can). Kenny does everything he can to sabotage the efforts to stop Gamera, yet Hidaka and everyone still treat him with parental kindness rather than committing him (and there are some rather disturbing hints that Kenny is actually directing Gamera’s attacks somehow). Eventually a really contrived ending takes place, where Gamera is, indeed, locked in a giant rocket (seriously, that thing must be a mile tall at least) and shot into space (this was “Z Plan:” apparently something they had been working on long before Gamera showed up. No word on why exactly they made such a huge rocket in the first place).
So, yeah, the film is pretty bad. But it’s a friendly, fun kind of bad. Joel himself notes that it’s not such a bad movie. Gamera is a pretty cool monster, with his huge tusks and ability to shoot into the air like a flying saucer. If it weren’t for Kenny the film would be a pretty painless experience. As it is…well, at least Kenny doesn’t have as much screen time as some of his future cinematic brothers would.
The episode is very funny, with Joel and the ‘bots in top form throughout, riffing on the poor effects, Kenny’s creepiness, the odd voices, and so on. The host segments are all pretty strong too, each expertly spoofing the movie. So, a goofy-Japanese sci-fi flick, strong riffing, and strong host segments make this an all around excellent episode.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are warming up under Tom’s direction. It’s pretty amusing, and actually appropriate as they are warming up their voices; the kind of things actors do before performing.
Invention Exchange: Joel has an endless salad. It’s really endless. (Also a great bit where Crow tricks Tom into a ‘trust exercise’). Frank has invented a vacuum cleaner for cleaning bird cages. It sucks up the whole cage, bird and all. A very amusing sketch all around.
The credits open over close-up footage of the ocean.
Servo: “Water! The source of all life!”
Our first acquaintance with Sandy Frank, who will turn out to have one of the more painful relations with the Brains.
Servo: “Titles by the Atlantic Ocean.”
Cut to bombers in flight.
Servo: “Oh, death from on high. Neat.”
Crow: “Micro Machines at five-o’clock! And GI Joe is there!”
Reporter: “It looks wild!”
Girl: “You can say that again.”
All: “It looks wild!”
Crow (on a dog in the background): “Ruff. Arf.”
Anyway, three characters meet with some Eskimos and then notice the bombers overhead.
Sailor: “Do you think Dr. Hidaka will learn anything from the Eskimos?”
Servo: “Oh, get real!”
Cut to an American base hearing about the bombers.
Crow: “Americans? What are they doing in the film?”
General: “Have you spotted anything on your radar screen?”
Really bad actor: “No sir. It must coated with anti…electric wave paint sir.”
Joel: “Cut! Cut! Let’s do that again!”
Servo: “Hey, it’s Curly Joe as the General.”
Sailor: “Captain, will they attack us?”
Captain: “I doubt it.”
Joel: “They’re models.”
Some American planes chase the mysterious bombers.
(Bomber fires a missile out its rear)
Joel: “Uh, you lost your muffler.”
(American planes shoot down bombers)
Servo: “And that’s just a warning.”
Girl: “It looks like that air plane carried atomic weapons.”
Servo: “Which means we’re all dead.”
Scientist: “Be careful, don’t go into that area, there’s radiation there.”
Servo: “And as everyone knows it can only affect you if you touch it.”
The ice melts and breaks.
Servo: “And so, in fear and hot water, the first slurpy is born!”
And Gamera breaks out of the ice!
(Girl fiddles with radio while an Eskimo kid stands next to her)
Girl: “Atmospheric conditions are bad and I can’t make contact.”
Servo: “And this little kid keeps twisting all the dials.”
(Joel smacks the kid)
Hidaka: “Good-bye, Chief.”
Crow: “Good-bye McCloud.”
(They’ll really run that gag into the ground next episode)
And the Eskimo chief gives the scientist the ‘Legendary stone’ with pictures of Gamera.
Eskimo: “It is the devil’s envoy!”
Servo: “Kissinger?”
Eskimo: “Gamera!”
Servo: “Oh.”
(examining the stone)
Hidaka: “There are waves around it, it must be aquatic…”
Crow: “Like a duck?”
And the sailors are watching Gamera through binoculars.
Gamera attacks the ship…
And kills everyone on board.
Some toy jets take off…
Servo: “Ice Station Tyco.”
(on a shot of a pilot with a black visor)
Servo: “I can’t see a damn thing. What’s going on, it’s pitch black in here?”
(pilot lifts the visor)
Servo: “Oh.”
(flying over a huge hole in the ice)
Crow: “Looks like we’re flying over the plot hole of the film.”
Cut to New York.
(on a sign saying ‘New York news studio’ which has been cut off by the camera)
Servo: “Oh, New York News Stud.”
Crow: “Hello, ladies!”
Hidaka and his daughter give a news conference with the stud.
(On the bored looking daughter)
Joel: “Sleep! Sleep!”
After the news conference we cut to a drunk old man walking home at night.
Servo: “Oh, this is the universal unsuspecting drunkard about to have a brush with the supernatural.”
And he sees a fireball flying around in the air (his main concern is that it changes its course, not that it’s a huge fireball).
Old Guy: “Maybe it’s the flying saucer I’ve heard them talk about…so much…lately.”
All (applause): “Bravo!”
Reporter (talking about flying saucers): “Even an old farmer outside of Tokyo claims he saw one.”
Servo: “But he’s old, goofy, and drunk.”
Cut to airplane where our three leads are flying.
Servo: “The captain has turned off the no-dubbing sign; you are free to speak any language you choose.”
So, wait, the girl flew from the Arctic to New York and now is flying home and only now realizes that they’re the only survivors?! I guess she’s a little slow.
Hidaka: “There were at least seven or eight camera men along with the expedition.”
Crow: “Now they’re Gamera men.”
Reporter guy confesses that he chose to go along with Hidaka to be with his daughter.
Cut to a lighthouse on the coast.
Lady (looking off screen): “Hello!”
All: “Hi!”
Lady: “Nice to see you.”
All: “Thank you!”
She’s meeting with Kenny’s teacher (who is Kenny? Oh, you’ll see, gentle reader, you’ll see).
Teacher: “He’s done a very strange drawing. I thought you should see it.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s me with the arrows through my head.”
We learn Kenny is obsessed with turtles.
Teacher: “Kenny’s not a bad student.”
Servo: “He’s just twisted.”
Teacher: “The other students make fun of him. They think he’s strange.”
Crow: “Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.”
Lady: “His mother died when he was very young.”
Joel: “She was mauled by turtles.”
Servo (as teacher): “Oh, and ask him to bathe. We must have some rules.”
Cut to Kenny’s family at dinner. Kenny sneaks some food from the table.
Lady: “Kenny? What are you doing with that?”
Joel (as Kenny): “Evil things. Horrible things.”
Lady: “Who’s all this food for?”
Joel: “Sauron the Dark Lord!”
And they make Kenny get rid of his pet turtle.
Servo (Makes flushing noises).
Joel: “See you on the other side, sweet friend.”
First Host Segment: Servo signs a heart-felt song to Tibby, Kenny’s pet turtle. It’s a great song and a great segment, especially when Crow tries to join in. Again, Kevin Murphy has a beautiful voice.
Crow: “Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?”
Back in the movie, Kenny is moping and Gamera pops up over the cliff looking at him. Kenny sees him.
Crow (As Gamera): “Those kids at school they tease you Kenny, because they’ve never tasted Hell. Today we turn the tables!”
Lady: “You’re seeing things!”
(Ground starts shaking)
Crow: “Oh, now you’re feeling things! Kenny, stop it.”
Gamera pops up again.
Crow (as Gamera): “What’s all this about not letting Kenny keep his turtle?”
And Kenny randomly climbs up into the lighthouse, which Gamera promptly smashes.
They’re all cheering for Kenny to fall (I’m with them). He does, but Gamera catches him (boo).
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move his spine around, he’s had a bad fall.”
Kenny starts insisting that Gamera must be good, because he saved him (after trying to kill him, note).
Cut to scientist etc.
Odd voice off screen: “Excuse me Dr. Hidaka?”
Crow: “I have this stabbing pain in my back!”
Joel does a great little other side of the phone voice.
Radio: “Reports are coming in about the devastation caused by Gamera. Although some of these come from unreliable sources.”
Crow: “Like Kenny.”
Kenny finds a pile of rocks.
Crow: “Oh, it’s Tibby’s burial mound!”
Servo: “Shut up.”
Kenny: “Tibby?”
Crow: “Or not ti-be!”
Kenny runs around calling for Tibby.
Crow: “Tibby? Tibby? Squish! Oh, Tibby!”
Joel: “What are you worried about, Tibby’s long dead Tom.”
Servo: “I’m leaving! This is terrible!”
Servo tries to exit through the other side of the theater.
Crow: “How does he expect Tibby to signal him? Light a flare?”
Cut to three heroes on another plane.
Joel: “Man, they’ve been on that plane for like forty-eight hours!”
Reporter guy is starting to get creepy in his obsession with the girl.
Dr. Hidaka: “He must be found soon. Or there’ll be chaos everywhere.”
(Cut to a guy with a clip-board)
Joel: “Let’s see there’s chaos here, chaos there, uh, yup, he’s right, chaos everywhere.”
Gamera starts heading for a geothermal power plant.
Three heroes show up as well.
Commander: “I’m sorry. Reporters aren’t allowed here.”
Servo: “But I’m a bad reporter…”
A guy with a rather odd voice shows up, much to Joel’s delight as he starts imitating him mercilessly.
Crow (after Joel does several quips in odd voice): “Stop please. You can be replaced by Leno, you know.”
Joel: “Sorry.”
Cut to heroes in a jeep.
Crow: “I-it’s s-s-o bu-umpy!”
And they try to electrocute Gamera as he attacks.
Guy: “The electrical shocks don’t seem to bother Gamera at all.”
Servo: “Hm. And I was counting very heavily on them.”
Military fires at Gamera.
Servo: “Three-Mile Island: The real story.”
Joel: “Doesn’t he kind of look like Godzilla with a backpack on?”
Gamera starts eating the fire.
Hidaka: “I must go back to the university.”
Crow: “You stay here.”
Cut to a university where we meet a scientist who looks a lot like a Col. Sanders.
Col. Sanders: “Gamera has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter.”
Joel: “Oh, like McDonalds.”
Soldier: “Commander, I believe we ought to call UN Headquarters!”
Servo: “Oh, what, so you’re in charge now?”
And Kenny is there for some reason and starts cheering for Gamera to run. Joel tries to cover his mouth.
Kenny screams that Gamera is good (despite all evidence to the contrary).
Kenny: “Gamera saved my life once.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s great kid. Guard!”
Kenny: “Gamera is a good turtle, sir.”
Servo: “Yep, what he’s done today is a benefit to all, kid.”
Soldier: “The plant is completely destroyed.”
Crow: “I told you to water the plant!”
Military suggests a freezing bomb, which only lasts for ten-minutes.
Katherine: “You mean it can really freeze anything?”
Crow: “Even a man’s passion?”
They really emphasize the ‘ten-minute’ limit.
Hidaka: “If we make a mistake the whole plan will fail!”
Servo: “No pressure, though.”
Second Host Segment: Crow does that voodoo that he do so well on Kenny via Joel’s Jim Varney doll. Joel tries to get them to feel some compassion for Kenny. It doesn’t work, of course. It’s a pretty funny sketch, especially Crow’s plan to give Kenny a big hug…and squeeze him, and squeeze him, and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeeeeze…Also contains perhaps the first mention of Kim Catrall, the future object of Crow’s affection.
Back in the movie, they’re bombing Gamera with the freezing bombs.
The plan ends with Gamera rolling onto his back.
Crow (as Gamera): “Tell Kenny I loved him.”
And they all expect Gamera to die shortly, since turtles can’t turn over.
Gamera pulls in his head and feet:
Servo: “I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!”
And Gamera starts his jets and flies off like a flying saucer.
Joel (on Hidaka): “Looks like it’s back to Botech for me.”
Hidaka: “They were trying to tell us that Gamera was a flying creature!”
Servo: “A little late, herr doktor.”
(A newspaper suddenly pops up on screen)
Servo: “Smash! Newspaper hits Japanese in face!”
(Cut to old guy reading paper)
Joel: “Ooh, that stung!”
And suddenly cut to Kenny and his mysterious female relative living in Tokyo:
Lady: “What are these stones for?”
Joel (as Kenny): “To hurt people. Life hurts me, so I hurt back.”
Lady: “I suppose this is another foolishness of yours.”
Crow: “I suppose now we’re going to be attacked by a giant rock.”
And Kenny and Lady burst in on Hidaka unannounced.
Katherine: “I told Kenny that when he was visiting Tokyo he ought to come and see us.”
Hidaka: “Oh, how nice.”
Servo: “I didn’t really mean…”
(Lady rambles on about what’s been happening with them)
Servo (as Hidaka): “Oh, how nice for you. Look, I need to get back to work.”
Kenny: “Doctor…”
Joel: “You’re going to die, sir.”
Kenny: “Gamera must be terribly lonely.”
Crow: “Kenny, he’s a turtle! Get a mitt and catch a clue!”
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera demands your instant death!”
Joel: “Your passing will be painless, doctor.”
Cut to Kenny having an argument with another boy over his stones.
Kenny: “Give me back my stones.”
Joel: “You were born of a jackal!”
Turns out the other kid threw Kenny’s stones into the river.
Joel (as Kenny): “DIE! DIE! DIE!”
Now cut to Kenny mopping in a bed, complete with Exorcist jokes.
Joel (as Kenny): “I am the dream warrior!”
And now cut to some fishermen complaining about how the fishing is so bad, then news about floods in Tokyo, complete with stock footage)
Crow: “Oh, ah, this is Pearl Harbor, how did this get in here?”
Hidaka blames Gamera for the disasters (this plot line goes nowhere, by the way).
Mirasu: “I am forced to admit there may be more disasters ahead.”
Servo: “More Gamera movies.”
Cut to a Tokyo airport, where Gamera shows up and kills everyone.
Joel: “Well, so much for Kenny’s theory about him being good-hearted.”
Cut to a rock band.
Crow: “Kenny and the Ken-Tones!”
And the dancers are literally too dumb to live, so they keep dancing while Gamera approaches, even as the police try to make them evacuate.
And Gamera takes down Tokyo Tower and pretty much kills everyone he sees.
Kenny creepily watches the destruction.
Lady: “Hurry, we must leave right away!”
Joel (creepy monotone): “There is still so much work to be done though, sister.”
In the aftermath of the destruction, the Lady tries to evacuate and realizes the Kenny is gone.
Servo: “Oh, who’s she kidding? She’s been wishing for this since frame one.”
So, Gamera is being kept at a coal plant by plying him with flames. Kenny inexplicably decides to go to him.
Crow (as Gamera): “Why? Why? The world was never meant for one as beautiful as me!”
Kenny hops a petroleum train heading for Gamera. Why? He’s psychotic, okay?
Crow makes a bad pun and Joel just casually rips his arm off and hits him with it!
(Guy answers phone)
Guy: “Did it work?”
Servo: “This is Gamera: knock it off!”
And one of the workers risks his life to try to save the ungrateful little psychopath.
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera, I’m coming to be in union with you!”
(as the guy tries to save Kenny)
Joel: “Don’t touch me infidel! The man-goat shall make you pay!”
And they both only barely survive (unfortunately).
The workers all mock Kenny (as do the guys), very justly.
Anyway, the government is now ready to execute “Z Plan.” What is Z Plan? You’ll see, gentle viewer.
Announcer: “The area is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.”
Joel: “Kenny, however, is free to move about.”
Indeed, Kenny stows away on the ship heading to the area.
Third Host Segment: The bots are in a beauty shop and are visited by Gamera (played by Mike Nelson). He’s really nice and admits that he’s using Kenny. It’s a fun little sketch.
Oddly, Joel is already in the theater when they return. He doesn’t believe they met Gamera.
Kenny travlling:
Joel (singing): “Hmm, death to the world…”
Crow (on the island where the end will take place): “Once a garden spot. Now, a playground of death.”
Hidaka: “Kenny, you’re a friend of Gamera, aren’t you?”
Servo: “Oh, very much so!”
Joel: “I am his key-master.”
(Kenny looks thoughtful)
Joel: “Now let’s see, what could I screw up big time…yeah, that’s it! Boats! Everybody needs boats!”
The military creates a line of fire across the ocean to the site of Z Plan (it’s actually a pretty cool shot).
Gamera follows the line of fire, gobbling it up.
But oh noes! A Typhoon threatens to put out the fire!
Joel: “Emperor Kenny, it’s got a nice ring to it. I shall soon be crowned king.”
Hurrah! Reporter guy starts setting fire to the installation to draw Gamera! (and no one else thought of that for some reason).
Servo: “And now Gamera in a scene from ‘From Here to Eternity’”
Joel: “That’s more like the length of this movie.”
But oh noes! The rain puts out the fire!
Crow (as Gamera): “You never loved me, Kenny! It’s just the rocks you cared about!”
Hurrah! A volcano goes off and Gamera is drawn back! (seriously, this whole climax is amazingly contrived).
So they put Z Plan into operation (which Kenny is suddenly excited about, even though he did his best to sabotage it a few minutes ago).
By the way, we get a really pretty impressive mate painting here.
Crow: “Oh, good, Kenny’s here: we can start.”
Joel: “Get me a phone to Moscow and a chocolate doughnut for Kenny.”
So, Z Plan was to trap Gamera in the enormous rocket they just had sitting around and shoot him into space.
Crow and Servo start singing the MST3k Theme song! Joel is not pleased.
And everyone’s happy! Hidaka advises Katherine to give up science and marry reporter guy. Kenny plans to see Gamera again.
Kenny: “Gamera! See you soon!”
Crow (as Gamera): “Hey, Kenny! Get bent!”
Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘The Bells of Saint Mary’s!’”
Final Host Segment: “A quality cast deserves a second look.” Tom gives a second look at the characters in the film. It’s very funny. Then we get a letter. Joel comments that this wasn’t such a bad movie this time. The Mads are not happy about that.
Stinger: Eskimo says “Bye.” It’s a pretty decent moment, just for the way he says it. An acceptable stinger.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Hellcats
26. Rocket Attack USA
27. Robot Holocaust
28. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A goofy monster movie, some great riffing, and strong host segments make this an all-around great episode.
Final Rating: 10/10.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Mst3k – 301: Cave Dwellers
First off, sorry for the extremely long delay this time. I got too busy to do this review, then the longer it took the less inclined I was to resume the project. Now, though, I’m going to try to get back on schedule with a review a week.
Anyway, Cave Dwellers. Ah, Cave Dwellers! Another genuine milestone in the history of Mst3k! This episode begins the Golden Age of Mystery Science Theater 3000; a period from the beginning of the Third Season to the end of the Sixth which represents the canon, the essence, the ‘pure’ Mst3k. This marks the point where they really hit their stride.
This pivotal episode features a movie which will become famous in the annals of Mst3k. ‘Cave Dwellers’ tells the story of Ator(Miles O’Keefe); the massive-haired, giant-pecced hero of the oppressed of generically-barbaric history. Ator gets called upon by the daughter of a dreadfully dull old-man, who is a generic wise-man/ancient scientist. He’s discovered something called the ‘Geometric Nucleus’ which does something. We never find out what, but it’s enough for a genericbad-guy (notice a pattern here?) to attack the old-guy and try to steal it. The daughter runs off to find Ator, and, along with Ator’s sidekick, Thong (who is the most likeable character in the movie due to the fact that he never speaks), wander back to the old-guy’s castle, having pointless and time-wasting adventures along the way. Finally, they make it back and Ator bombs the castle from the air (seriously), kills the bad guy, and destroys the nucleus.
The film is bristling with stupidity and errors. Early on, the girl is told Ator lives at ‘The Ends of the Earth,’ which she apparently reaches within a few hours with an *arrow in her chest*. On the way back, though, it takes several days and numerous obstacles to get back. I guess she took the short-cut on the way there. Meanwhile, random bad-guys show up for a couple scenes and disappear, velvety monsters are fought, and awkwardly choreographed sword fights ensue whenever the filmmakers remembered they were making a barbarian movie, while the film abounds in continuity errors, ridiculous dialogue, plot holes, and all sorts of fodder for Joel and the bots to get their teeth into.
Miles O’Keefe is one of those actors who seem to have made an indefinable impression on the Brains; perhaps it was his massive hair and muscles, perhaps it was his humorously wooden delivery (his ‘NO!’ has to be heard to be believed). Most likely it was a combinations of all the above and his delightful tough-guy name which invites itself to so many puns (some ways down the line a host segment will present the menu item ‘Miles O’Beef’). At any rate, his contribution is a major part of what makes this film so enjoyably stupid and it is much appreciated. For his part Mr. O’Keefe apparently had a sense of humor about the whole thing and put in several appearances at Mst3k conventions.
Riffwise this is a very, very strong episode. The guys come out of the gate firing on all cylinders with numerous jokes on the wooden acting, Miles O’Keefe, the awful effects, Miles O’Keefe, the plot holes, Thong, and Miles O’Keefe to name a few. The jokes come thick, fast and hilarious, setting a new standard for the show.
The host segments are likewise amusing, although none of them are classics. The best is probably the first where they reenact the credits. So in summary a combination of good host segments, a hilariously bad movie, and great riffing make for an outstanding opening to the Golden Age of Mst3k.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are talking about what names they would pick for themselves (Gypsy: “Mrs. Richard Basehart! Mrs. Richard Basehart!”). Pretty amusing. Joel acts like they’ve been off for a while; a nice way to open the new Season. And for some reason Servo has a fez and they’re all wearing bathrobes.
Invention: Dr. F makes some reference to ‘going through the asteroid belt;’ another nod to the new season. Joel invents the smoking jacket for people who know that smoking is cool but deadly. The Mads invent Robotic Arm-Wrestling. It’s pretty amusing, particularly Joel and the Bots cheering them on, and it features one of the final appearances of the mole people.
As they come in the credits are playing over a half-a-screen; the bottom half is black, the top plays scenes from a completely different movie (This was apparently distributed by the same company that did ‘Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster’).
Servo: “This is in shoebox-format)
Joel (on the credit for Miles O’Keeffe): “How much Keeffe is in this movie anyway?”
Servo: “Miles O’Keeffe.”
(on the ‘director of photography’ credit)
Joel: “Director of the top-half of the photography…”
Joel peaks over the top of the half-screen of the credits!
Cut to some Cave Men.
Servo: “This week on ‘Cave Dwellers’”
Crow (on cave-men eating): “Mmm, Grog tastes good!”
A narrator rambles about ‘savage, early man’ and the ‘few who have been touched by a higher power.’
Cave-Men attack:
Servo: “Playing center-spear, Og!”
Crow: “Playing defensive back-up, Oog!”
Joel: “and that right-hunchback is Org!”
Crow: “Hey, Grog just threw a bone into the air and it turned into a spaceship!”
Crow: “It’s an early version of West-Side Story. ‘Uhn, I just met a girl named Uhn!’”
Cut to a castle.
Servo: “Stately Wayne Manor.”
We meet an old wise man who speaks very…very…slow…ly.
Old Man (to his daughter): “I always wanted you to be wise.”
Servo: “But we’ll settle on looks.”
Old man shows his daughter his discovery…which Servo identifies as a rear-view mirror.
By the way, we never do find out what, exactly this discovery is.
Old Man looks at camera.
Crow: “What do you, the viewers at home think?”
Flashback to Ator’s history (read: previous movie).
Crow: “This is the part of the film we like to call ‘she had to ask.’”
Old Man: “Riba…”
Crow: “Son of Frogmar, keeper of the Seven Keys of Fintuzler…”
Crow: “Jeeze, Tolkien couldn’t follow this plot!”
Ator fakily cuts a zombie’s head off.
Servo: “Ooh, how graphic!”
Ator pushes a gong on a bad guy.
Servo: “Ooh, he’s been gonged.”
Crow: “He’d never killed that big a puppet before.”
Ator: “That exercise works. I can feel it here…”
Crow: “Wait, where’s my shirt?”
End flashback.
Daughter: “Father, tell me…”
Servo: “Again?”
All: “NO!”
Girl is sent off to find Ator…
Crow: “Music by the Super Mario Brothers.”
Hilarious bit where a guy leading a bunch of horseman randomly calls ‘Follow me!’ then spends a few seconds orientating his horse.
Anyway, bad guys attack the castle.
Old Guy: “When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth…”
Crow: “Ask for Earl.”
Bad guys rough up old guy, knocking over a shelf.
Joel: “That’s my spice rack!”
The bad guy wears a swan helmet! A swan helmet!
Pause-filled conversation between bad guy and old guy.
Bad guy laughs evilly.
Joel: “Ha ha! Oh, observational humor.”
First Host Segment: Joel and the Bots do a more lucid version of the credits. It’s pretty amusing, especially the credits they provide. ‘Tom Servo as that really dull old guy.’ ‘Continuity by ‘.
Come back to find the girl in a fight with some bad-guys…she gets shot in the chest with an arrow.
Servo: “You idiot, we don’t even have a doe license.”
Joel: “Why is she limping?”
Crow: “She’s got an arrow in her chest.”
(old guy and bad guy climb stairs)
Crow: “Use the hand-rails. I invented them for a reason.”
(Ator holds up a HUGE sword)
Joel: “Made this in shop-class; it’s a letter opener.”
(quick and random cut to an owl and back)
Crow: “Hey did you just turn into an owl and then back real fast?”
And girl comes sliding in (apparently she walked to the ends of the Earth with an arrow in her chest).
Crow: “Look out, it’s wet there, I just mopped.”
And Ator provides some rather goofy first aid.
Servo:”Hey, he’s washing with lava.”
Crow: “The soap?”
Servo: ”No, the real thing.”
Servo: “I could be wrong but this arrow may have something to do with it.”
Cut back to evil guy and old guy.
Bad guy is reading a scroll.
Servo: “Wait a minute…this is the Magna Carta!”
Back to Ator etc.
Ator is writing something, leading to a great gag where Servo acts like he’s writing down the dialogue (“How many ‘A’s in ‘danger’?)
Servo: “What do you think he’s writing?”
Crow: “The script?”
Ator: “First you must prove to us that you are the daughter of the Great One.”
Crow: “If you can look bored and speak haltingly, you’re in!”
And they provide a stupid test for her; they lock her in a cell and challenge her to get out.
Servo: “What would MacGyver do?”
And she gets out by blowing up the cell.
Servo: “I suppose she could’ve tried the lock.”
Crow: “You owe me fifty-bucks for the door.”
Bad guys
Bad Guy: “Let me introduce you to Sandor.”
Crow: “You can call me Sandy.”
Old guy does another long, dull speech.
Long pause:
Crow (whispering): “Say something! Line!”
Servo (same): “Come on, fake it!”
Sandor casts some magic and we cut to Ator and co. walking through some fog.
Servo: “We’re getting close to Ridley Scott now.”
And Ator and his sidekick lose the girl.
Servo: “After exhausting every possibility, the men move on.”
They’re attacked by ‘invisible’ attackers (Read: They mime getting hit and make complete fools of themselves).
Joel: “I don’t believe it they were too cheap to hire villains in this thing!”
Servo: “So, let’s recap the action so far.”
Joel: “Uh, nothing really.”
Servo: “Uh, you’re right. Let’s move on.”
And Ator and his sidekick, Thong (seriously, that’s his name), defeat the ‘invisible attackers’ by throwing their capes onto them.
Crow: “Ah! Now they’re scarier!”
(As they move on)
Joel: “Don’t they want their capes?”
Crow: “No, they’d have invisible blood on them.”
And the girl is attacked by some cave dwellers and captured (she’s a girl, you see).
Crow: “These must be the Cave Dwellers!”
Servo: “That’s right, thirty-five minutes into the film and we’re finally at the first plot point.”
As are three bad guys randomly wandering around the same cave (leading to very funny ‘Three-Stooges’ style gag from the guys).
(on the cave-dweller’s random muttering)
Crow: “Ojibiwa! Wait minute, I invented a word!”
(On the cave chief)
Joel: “I am a noble savage.”
Joel: “Tuesdays are human sacrifice day at the sizzler.”
(cave dweller rips out a guy’s heart)
Servo: “I think Tony Bennet left that in San Francisco.”
(Cave dweller chief eats heart)
Servo: “I want a Barney Clark Bar.”
(as Ator approaches the cave where all this heart-eating is taking place)
Crow: “*sniff* Mmmm, something smells good!”
And now they go to do the same to the girl and Ator just…kinda sits there.
(on Ator’s inactivity).
Joel: “I’ve got a wonderful Grinchy idea!”
Second Host Segment: The fancy, fantasy names given to the ordinary props. It’s pretty quietly amusing.
And Thong is randomly wandering around the cave while Ator and girl do likewise.
Joel (as Thong scratches something on the cave wall): “For a good time call Thong…”
Joel: “By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.”
Cut to bad guy admonishing Sandor.
Servo: “Bad country singer! Bad Willie!”
(Sandor looks a bit like Willie Nelson, see)
Bad guy: “Flog him!”
Crow: “Thank you sir!”
(as Sandor is carried off to prison)
Servo: “Okay, I’ll do linking rings. I’ll do ball-in-a-cup. I’ll do metamorphosis! Wait! Wait!”
And back to Ator etc, now running through a wood.
Girl: “I sense the presence of something evil.”
Crow: “That’s you.”
Ator: “Ever since we left the cave, I’ve had the feeling we’re being followed.”
Joel (as Thong): “Uh, that’s me boss, I’m right behind you.”
And three samurai just kind of show up.
Servo: “Oh, no, they’ve jumped into a Kurosawa film!”
Crow: “So it’ll start making sense?”
(low angle shot of Ator)
Joel: “I’m HUGE!”
And a lamely choreographed fight scene ensues.
Servo: “You know, the reason this scene is so good is that we care about the characters.”
Crow: “We do. I mean, we do?”
Servo: “We really do.”
And they kill the samurai, and we cut to the Bad Guy.
Bad Guy (after another pause-filled statement): “What do you say to that?”
Crow: “I say…YOU COULD DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH YOUR CUES! TEMPO! TEMPO! PICK IT UP!”
Bad Guy (to old guy): “You’re wonderful.”
Crow: “Marry me.”
And back to Ator etc. Thong is fishing while Ator cooks and the girl…just kind of wanders.
Girl: “Do you think my father’s still alive?”
Servo: “Oh, sure. *snort*”
And now it’s night and Thong captures some random people.
Ator: “What do you want?”
Servo: “Hey, look, you captured us!”
And the prisoners tell a tale of woe.
Ator: “The huns have always demanded the blood of man.”
Crow: “Yeah, they’re funny that way.”
Cut to random village, where they’re taking volunteers to be sacrificed to the bad guys.
(scrawny guy steps forward)
Joel: “Uh, you, never mind.”
Ator shows up.
Joel: “It’s speedy-delivery guy and has he got a package!”
Joel: “Who is this gentle stranger with pecs like melons and knees of fringe?”
Ator: “Where is Ravany?”
Village Leader: “Ravany has left us.”
Crow: “Because he had nothing to do with the film.”
Ator: “He was a proud, courageous man.”
Servo: “But dumber than a bag of hammers.”
Ator: “You must not lose heart.”
Crow: “Or some guy will eat it.”
And Ator starts shouting plans without anyone agreeing to help. He just walks up the line and orders them to fight.
Bearded Village-Guy: “I want to fight.”
Crow: “For my right to party!”
And the village leader gives Ator some wine, which, being an idiot, he drinks without question.
Crow: “Drink it all. Sometimes the poison’s on the bottom.”
Crow (evilly): “Are you done with your, heheheh, drink?”
(Low angle shot of Ator falling over)
Crow: “Timber!”
(on a shot of Thong after Ator faints)
Joel: “Alright, now we call this film the ‘Thong Dwellers’!”
More random bad guys show up.
Crow: “I think it’s the Kurds.”
Servo: “And Whey?”
Crow: “Yes, Whey.”
And the bad guys kill everyone and raise the village.
Ator gives a big ‘No!’ that has to be heard to be believed.
As Ator and the girl are distressed by the fire.
Servo: “Uh, this is just a wild idea, but how about moving to the other side of the pole where the fire isn’t?”
And abrupt cut to the headquarters of these new bad guys (look, don’t ask, just go with it)
(cut to a sharp-dressed bad-guy)
Crow: “I’m the best-looking man in the middle ages! My, my, my!”
And the main bad guy shows up with some gold and a few girls to be sacrificed.
Girl: “It would be less repugnant to be strangled by a thousand serpents than to have to endure your smile.”
Joel: “I see. What does repugnant mean? Ah, no matter.”
Crow (as bad guy turns to Ator): “You don’t think I’m repugnant, do you?”
(Bad guy pokes one of Ator’s pecs.)
Servo: “Ding….dong!”
Bad guy leaves and secondary bad guys start sacrificing girls…
Servo: “Wait a minute, folks, we have snakes growling here.”
Servo: “Oh, look, anal retentive snakes; they lined up the skulls.”
And Thong cuts Ator loose and another lame fight scene breaks out. (including a funny bit where one of the bad guys visibly struggles to get his sword out of its scabbard)
Third host segment: Joel explains about foley artists (sound-effects creation). It’s pretty amusing, especially the ‘handy Hollywood Meat-sticks.’ And the box full of hamsters (just add milk).
Back to the movie, Ator fights a big rubber snake puppet.
Joel: “It’s the mother-loving pigeon of all sock-puppets.”
(Girl just sits there and screams)
Servo: “Uh, you know, you can jump in here any time…”
Servo: “Just cut the wires Ator!”
And after that completely pointless tangent, they arrive at the old-guy’s castle.
Servo thunks his head against Ator’s chin!
Ator: “We’ll have to fight them.”
Girl: “Just the three of us?”
Crow: “No, just me; you were a big help with the snake.”
Ator: “I’ll keep them busy outside.”
All: “Mwuahahahaha!”
And Ator produces a Hang-glider out of nowhere.
Servo does a funny little ‘Ator flying’ song.
(shot of Ator flying)
Servo: “Gomez! I invented the wheel!”
And he flies over a castle that looks entirely different from the one in the movie.
(when the old guy tells bad guy he taught Ator the ‘theory of flight,’ bad guy hits him)
Crow: “Theory of flight? I’ll teach you the theory of fist!”
Servo: “Well, it looks like heflew into 17th century Bulgaria and that’s Mad Ludwig’s castle there.”
And Ator starts bombing the bad guys (yes, he invented bombs along with the hang-glider)
Crow: “Alright you crummy rats, Henry Kissinger says Merry Christmas!”
(A bomb sends an obvious dummy flying.)
Servo: “My God, they hit Charlie McCarthy!”
Cut from Ator landing in a field to Ator landing on the battlements.
Joel: “and I suppose he’s got a tank in the courtyard now.”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s made out of coconuts.”
Bad guy starts beating old guy for the macguffin.
Bad Guy (to Ator): “I’m not afraid of you!”
(Ator swings at him)
Servo: “Well, maybe a little.”
And Bad Guy and Ator fight. Ator proves dumb as a post by giving the bad guy his second sword.
Crow: “He’s not much without his hang-glider, is he?”
And then Ator gets the advantage, but Old Guy randomly tells him not to kill Bad Guy so he can be tried by the ancient United Nations, or something.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making that up!”
Servo: “So, what the heck did I hang-glide in here for anyway.”
And Thong kills Bad Guy anyway.
Joel: “Hey, thanks a lot Thong. I’ll visit you in prison, bake you a rice-cake with a saw in it, buddy.”
Ator leaves…
And we cut to nuclear explosion while the narrator says something about the macguffin getting destroyed. Whatever.
Crow: “Well, this is neat, but what the heck does it have to do with the movie?”
And cut to Ator riding a horse.
Joel: “He probably built that horse.”
Servo: “Yeah, out of mud and sticks.”
And there’s a very clear shot of some tire-tracks.
And we cut off into the credits, which are more shots from that completely different movie from the opening credits.
(on the hair styles)
Crow: “No, no, the Mohawk goes the other way; you look like a turkey!”
Final host segment: The errors in the film (Joel pulls a great face and Servo does a great little growl). Servo calls this the worst film they’ve ever shown them. The Mads: “What do you want from us? We’re evil! Evil!”
Stinger: “Thong? The fish is ready.” Yeah, that’s an odd moment, but in the film this good, I’d have gone for Ator’s ‘No!’ or something.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Cave Dwellers
24. Hellcats
25. Rocket Attack USA
26. Robot Holocaust
27. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Really bad, but goofy movie with some excellent riffing and amusing host segments makes for a very strong episode to open a new era with.
Final Rating: 9/10.
Anyway, Cave Dwellers. Ah, Cave Dwellers! Another genuine milestone in the history of Mst3k! This episode begins the Golden Age of Mystery Science Theater 3000; a period from the beginning of the Third Season to the end of the Sixth which represents the canon, the essence, the ‘pure’ Mst3k. This marks the point where they really hit their stride.
This pivotal episode features a movie which will become famous in the annals of Mst3k. ‘Cave Dwellers’ tells the story of Ator(Miles O’Keefe); the massive-haired, giant-pecced hero of the oppressed of generically-barbaric history. Ator gets called upon by the daughter of a dreadfully dull old-man, who is a generic wise-man/ancient scientist. He’s discovered something called the ‘Geometric Nucleus’ which does something. We never find out what, but it’s enough for a genericbad-guy (notice a pattern here?) to attack the old-guy and try to steal it. The daughter runs off to find Ator, and, along with Ator’s sidekick, Thong (who is the most likeable character in the movie due to the fact that he never speaks), wander back to the old-guy’s castle, having pointless and time-wasting adventures along the way. Finally, they make it back and Ator bombs the castle from the air (seriously), kills the bad guy, and destroys the nucleus.
The film is bristling with stupidity and errors. Early on, the girl is told Ator lives at ‘The Ends of the Earth,’ which she apparently reaches within a few hours with an *arrow in her chest*. On the way back, though, it takes several days and numerous obstacles to get back. I guess she took the short-cut on the way there. Meanwhile, random bad-guys show up for a couple scenes and disappear, velvety monsters are fought, and awkwardly choreographed sword fights ensue whenever the filmmakers remembered they were making a barbarian movie, while the film abounds in continuity errors, ridiculous dialogue, plot holes, and all sorts of fodder for Joel and the bots to get their teeth into.
Miles O’Keefe is one of those actors who seem to have made an indefinable impression on the Brains; perhaps it was his massive hair and muscles, perhaps it was his humorously wooden delivery (his ‘NO!’ has to be heard to be believed). Most likely it was a combinations of all the above and his delightful tough-guy name which invites itself to so many puns (some ways down the line a host segment will present the menu item ‘Miles O’Beef’). At any rate, his contribution is a major part of what makes this film so enjoyably stupid and it is much appreciated. For his part Mr. O’Keefe apparently had a sense of humor about the whole thing and put in several appearances at Mst3k conventions.
Riffwise this is a very, very strong episode. The guys come out of the gate firing on all cylinders with numerous jokes on the wooden acting, Miles O’Keefe, the awful effects, Miles O’Keefe, the plot holes, Thong, and Miles O’Keefe to name a few. The jokes come thick, fast and hilarious, setting a new standard for the show.
The host segments are likewise amusing, although none of them are classics. The best is probably the first where they reenact the credits. So in summary a combination of good host segments, a hilariously bad movie, and great riffing make for an outstanding opening to the Golden Age of Mst3k.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are talking about what names they would pick for themselves (Gypsy: “Mrs. Richard Basehart! Mrs. Richard Basehart!”). Pretty amusing. Joel acts like they’ve been off for a while; a nice way to open the new Season. And for some reason Servo has a fez and they’re all wearing bathrobes.
Invention: Dr. F makes some reference to ‘going through the asteroid belt;’ another nod to the new season. Joel invents the smoking jacket for people who know that smoking is cool but deadly. The Mads invent Robotic Arm-Wrestling. It’s pretty amusing, particularly Joel and the Bots cheering them on, and it features one of the final appearances of the mole people.
As they come in the credits are playing over a half-a-screen; the bottom half is black, the top plays scenes from a completely different movie (This was apparently distributed by the same company that did ‘Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster’).
Servo: “This is in shoebox-format)
Joel (on the credit for Miles O’Keeffe): “How much Keeffe is in this movie anyway?”
Servo: “Miles O’Keeffe.”
(on the ‘director of photography’ credit)
Joel: “Director of the top-half of the photography…”
Joel peaks over the top of the half-screen of the credits!
Cut to some Cave Men.
Servo: “This week on ‘Cave Dwellers’”
Crow (on cave-men eating): “Mmm, Grog tastes good!”
A narrator rambles about ‘savage, early man’ and the ‘few who have been touched by a higher power.’
Cave-Men attack:
Servo: “Playing center-spear, Og!”
Crow: “Playing defensive back-up, Oog!”
Joel: “and that right-hunchback is Org!”
Crow: “Hey, Grog just threw a bone into the air and it turned into a spaceship!”
Crow: “It’s an early version of West-Side Story. ‘Uhn, I just met a girl named Uhn!’”
Cut to a castle.
Servo: “Stately Wayne Manor.”
We meet an old wise man who speaks very…very…slow…ly.
Old Man (to his daughter): “I always wanted you to be wise.”
Servo: “But we’ll settle on looks.”
Old man shows his daughter his discovery…which Servo identifies as a rear-view mirror.
By the way, we never do find out what, exactly this discovery is.
Old Man looks at camera.
Crow: “What do you, the viewers at home think?”
Flashback to Ator’s history (read: previous movie).
Crow: “This is the part of the film we like to call ‘she had to ask.’”
Old Man: “Riba…”
Crow: “Son of Frogmar, keeper of the Seven Keys of Fintuzler…”
Crow: “Jeeze, Tolkien couldn’t follow this plot!”
Ator fakily cuts a zombie’s head off.
Servo: “Ooh, how graphic!”
Ator pushes a gong on a bad guy.
Servo: “Ooh, he’s been gonged.”
Crow: “He’d never killed that big a puppet before.”
Ator: “That exercise works. I can feel it here…”
Crow: “Wait, where’s my shirt?”
End flashback.
Daughter: “Father, tell me…”
Servo: “Again?”
All: “NO!”
Girl is sent off to find Ator…
Crow: “Music by the Super Mario Brothers.”
Hilarious bit where a guy leading a bunch of horseman randomly calls ‘Follow me!’ then spends a few seconds orientating his horse.
Anyway, bad guys attack the castle.
Old Guy: “When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth…”
Crow: “Ask for Earl.”
Bad guys rough up old guy, knocking over a shelf.
Joel: “That’s my spice rack!”
The bad guy wears a swan helmet! A swan helmet!
Pause-filled conversation between bad guy and old guy.
Bad guy laughs evilly.
Joel: “Ha ha! Oh, observational humor.”
First Host Segment: Joel and the Bots do a more lucid version of the credits. It’s pretty amusing, especially the credits they provide. ‘Tom Servo as that really dull old guy.’ ‘Continuity by ‘.
Come back to find the girl in a fight with some bad-guys…she gets shot in the chest with an arrow.
Servo: “You idiot, we don’t even have a doe license.”
Joel: “Why is she limping?”
Crow: “She’s got an arrow in her chest.”
(old guy and bad guy climb stairs)
Crow: “Use the hand-rails. I invented them for a reason.”
(Ator holds up a HUGE sword)
Joel: “Made this in shop-class; it’s a letter opener.”
(quick and random cut to an owl and back)
Crow: “Hey did you just turn into an owl and then back real fast?”
And girl comes sliding in (apparently she walked to the ends of the Earth with an arrow in her chest).
Crow: “Look out, it’s wet there, I just mopped.”
And Ator provides some rather goofy first aid.
Servo:”Hey, he’s washing with lava.”
Crow: “The soap?”
Servo: ”No, the real thing.”
Servo: “I could be wrong but this arrow may have something to do with it.”
Cut back to evil guy and old guy.
Bad guy is reading a scroll.
Servo: “Wait a minute…this is the Magna Carta!”
Back to Ator etc.
Ator is writing something, leading to a great gag where Servo acts like he’s writing down the dialogue (“How many ‘A’s in ‘danger’?)
Servo: “What do you think he’s writing?”
Crow: “The script?”
Ator: “First you must prove to us that you are the daughter of the Great One.”
Crow: “If you can look bored and speak haltingly, you’re in!”
And they provide a stupid test for her; they lock her in a cell and challenge her to get out.
Servo: “What would MacGyver do?”
And she gets out by blowing up the cell.
Servo: “I suppose she could’ve tried the lock.”
Crow: “You owe me fifty-bucks for the door.”
Bad guys
Bad Guy: “Let me introduce you to Sandor.”
Crow: “You can call me Sandy.”
Old guy does another long, dull speech.
Long pause:
Crow (whispering): “Say something! Line!”
Servo (same): “Come on, fake it!”
Sandor casts some magic and we cut to Ator and co. walking through some fog.
Servo: “We’re getting close to Ridley Scott now.”
And Ator and his sidekick lose the girl.
Servo: “After exhausting every possibility, the men move on.”
They’re attacked by ‘invisible’ attackers (Read: They mime getting hit and make complete fools of themselves).
Joel: “I don’t believe it they were too cheap to hire villains in this thing!”
Servo: “So, let’s recap the action so far.”
Joel: “Uh, nothing really.”
Servo: “Uh, you’re right. Let’s move on.”
And Ator and his sidekick, Thong (seriously, that’s his name), defeat the ‘invisible attackers’ by throwing their capes onto them.
Crow: “Ah! Now they’re scarier!”
(As they move on)
Joel: “Don’t they want their capes?”
Crow: “No, they’d have invisible blood on them.”
And the girl is attacked by some cave dwellers and captured (she’s a girl, you see).
Crow: “These must be the Cave Dwellers!”
Servo: “That’s right, thirty-five minutes into the film and we’re finally at the first plot point.”
As are three bad guys randomly wandering around the same cave (leading to very funny ‘Three-Stooges’ style gag from the guys).
(on the cave-dweller’s random muttering)
Crow: “Ojibiwa! Wait minute, I invented a word!”
(On the cave chief)
Joel: “I am a noble savage.”
Joel: “Tuesdays are human sacrifice day at the sizzler.”
(cave dweller rips out a guy’s heart)
Servo: “I think Tony Bennet left that in San Francisco.”
(Cave dweller chief eats heart)
Servo: “I want a Barney Clark Bar.”
(as Ator approaches the cave where all this heart-eating is taking place)
Crow: “*sniff* Mmmm, something smells good!”
And now they go to do the same to the girl and Ator just…kinda sits there.
(on Ator’s inactivity).
Joel: “I’ve got a wonderful Grinchy idea!”
Second Host Segment: The fancy, fantasy names given to the ordinary props. It’s pretty quietly amusing.
And Thong is randomly wandering around the cave while Ator and girl do likewise.
Joel (as Thong scratches something on the cave wall): “For a good time call Thong…”
Joel: “By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.”
Cut to bad guy admonishing Sandor.
Servo: “Bad country singer! Bad Willie!”
(Sandor looks a bit like Willie Nelson, see)
Bad guy: “Flog him!”
Crow: “Thank you sir!”
(as Sandor is carried off to prison)
Servo: “Okay, I’ll do linking rings. I’ll do ball-in-a-cup. I’ll do metamorphosis! Wait! Wait!”
And back to Ator etc, now running through a wood.
Girl: “I sense the presence of something evil.”
Crow: “That’s you.”
Ator: “Ever since we left the cave, I’ve had the feeling we’re being followed.”
Joel (as Thong): “Uh, that’s me boss, I’m right behind you.”
And three samurai just kind of show up.
Servo: “Oh, no, they’ve jumped into a Kurosawa film!”
Crow: “So it’ll start making sense?”
(low angle shot of Ator)
Joel: “I’m HUGE!”
And a lamely choreographed fight scene ensues.
Servo: “You know, the reason this scene is so good is that we care about the characters.”
Crow: “We do. I mean, we do?”
Servo: “We really do.”
And they kill the samurai, and we cut to the Bad Guy.
Bad Guy (after another pause-filled statement): “What do you say to that?”
Crow: “I say…YOU COULD DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH YOUR CUES! TEMPO! TEMPO! PICK IT UP!”
Bad Guy (to old guy): “You’re wonderful.”
Crow: “Marry me.”
And back to Ator etc. Thong is fishing while Ator cooks and the girl…just kind of wanders.
Girl: “Do you think my father’s still alive?”
Servo: “Oh, sure. *snort*”
And now it’s night and Thong captures some random people.
Ator: “What do you want?”
Servo: “Hey, look, you captured us!”
And the prisoners tell a tale of woe.
Ator: “The huns have always demanded the blood of man.”
Crow: “Yeah, they’re funny that way.”
Cut to random village, where they’re taking volunteers to be sacrificed to the bad guys.
(scrawny guy steps forward)
Joel: “Uh, you, never mind.”
Ator shows up.
Joel: “It’s speedy-delivery guy and has he got a package!”
Joel: “Who is this gentle stranger with pecs like melons and knees of fringe?”
Ator: “Where is Ravany?”
Village Leader: “Ravany has left us.”
Crow: “Because he had nothing to do with the film.”
Ator: “He was a proud, courageous man.”
Servo: “But dumber than a bag of hammers.”
Ator: “You must not lose heart.”
Crow: “Or some guy will eat it.”
And Ator starts shouting plans without anyone agreeing to help. He just walks up the line and orders them to fight.
Bearded Village-Guy: “I want to fight.”
Crow: “For my right to party!”
And the village leader gives Ator some wine, which, being an idiot, he drinks without question.
Crow: “Drink it all. Sometimes the poison’s on the bottom.”
Crow (evilly): “Are you done with your, heheheh, drink?”
(Low angle shot of Ator falling over)
Crow: “Timber!”
(on a shot of Thong after Ator faints)
Joel: “Alright, now we call this film the ‘Thong Dwellers’!”
More random bad guys show up.
Crow: “I think it’s the Kurds.”
Servo: “And Whey?”
Crow: “Yes, Whey.”
And the bad guys kill everyone and raise the village.
Ator gives a big ‘No!’ that has to be heard to be believed.
As Ator and the girl are distressed by the fire.
Servo: “Uh, this is just a wild idea, but how about moving to the other side of the pole where the fire isn’t?”
And abrupt cut to the headquarters of these new bad guys (look, don’t ask, just go with it)
(cut to a sharp-dressed bad-guy)
Crow: “I’m the best-looking man in the middle ages! My, my, my!”
And the main bad guy shows up with some gold and a few girls to be sacrificed.
Girl: “It would be less repugnant to be strangled by a thousand serpents than to have to endure your smile.”
Joel: “I see. What does repugnant mean? Ah, no matter.”
Crow (as bad guy turns to Ator): “You don’t think I’m repugnant, do you?”
(Bad guy pokes one of Ator’s pecs.)
Servo: “Ding….dong!”
Bad guy leaves and secondary bad guys start sacrificing girls…
Servo: “Wait a minute, folks, we have snakes growling here.”
Servo: “Oh, look, anal retentive snakes; they lined up the skulls.”
And Thong cuts Ator loose and another lame fight scene breaks out. (including a funny bit where one of the bad guys visibly struggles to get his sword out of its scabbard)
Third host segment: Joel explains about foley artists (sound-effects creation). It’s pretty amusing, especially the ‘handy Hollywood Meat-sticks.’ And the box full of hamsters (just add milk).
Back to the movie, Ator fights a big rubber snake puppet.
Joel: “It’s the mother-loving pigeon of all sock-puppets.”
(Girl just sits there and screams)
Servo: “Uh, you know, you can jump in here any time…”
Servo: “Just cut the wires Ator!”
And after that completely pointless tangent, they arrive at the old-guy’s castle.
Servo thunks his head against Ator’s chin!
Ator: “We’ll have to fight them.”
Girl: “Just the three of us?”
Crow: “No, just me; you were a big help with the snake.”
Ator: “I’ll keep them busy outside.”
All: “Mwuahahahaha!”
And Ator produces a Hang-glider out of nowhere.
Servo does a funny little ‘Ator flying’ song.
(shot of Ator flying)
Servo: “Gomez! I invented the wheel!”
And he flies over a castle that looks entirely different from the one in the movie.
(when the old guy tells bad guy he taught Ator the ‘theory of flight,’ bad guy hits him)
Crow: “Theory of flight? I’ll teach you the theory of fist!”
Servo: “Well, it looks like heflew into 17th century Bulgaria and that’s Mad Ludwig’s castle there.”
And Ator starts bombing the bad guys (yes, he invented bombs along with the hang-glider)
Crow: “Alright you crummy rats, Henry Kissinger says Merry Christmas!”
(A bomb sends an obvious dummy flying.)
Servo: “My God, they hit Charlie McCarthy!”
Cut from Ator landing in a field to Ator landing on the battlements.
Joel: “and I suppose he’s got a tank in the courtyard now.”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s made out of coconuts.”
Bad guy starts beating old guy for the macguffin.
Bad Guy (to Ator): “I’m not afraid of you!”
(Ator swings at him)
Servo: “Well, maybe a little.”
And Bad Guy and Ator fight. Ator proves dumb as a post by giving the bad guy his second sword.
Crow: “He’s not much without his hang-glider, is he?”
And then Ator gets the advantage, but Old Guy randomly tells him not to kill Bad Guy so he can be tried by the ancient United Nations, or something.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making that up!”
Servo: “So, what the heck did I hang-glide in here for anyway.”
And Thong kills Bad Guy anyway.
Joel: “Hey, thanks a lot Thong. I’ll visit you in prison, bake you a rice-cake with a saw in it, buddy.”
Ator leaves…
And we cut to nuclear explosion while the narrator says something about the macguffin getting destroyed. Whatever.
Crow: “Well, this is neat, but what the heck does it have to do with the movie?”
And cut to Ator riding a horse.
Joel: “He probably built that horse.”
Servo: “Yeah, out of mud and sticks.”
And there’s a very clear shot of some tire-tracks.
And we cut off into the credits, which are more shots from that completely different movie from the opening credits.
(on the hair styles)
Crow: “No, no, the Mohawk goes the other way; you look like a turkey!”
Final host segment: The errors in the film (Joel pulls a great face and Servo does a great little growl). Servo calls this the worst film they’ve ever shown them. The Mads: “What do you want from us? We’re evil! Evil!”
Stinger: “Thong? The fish is ready.” Yeah, that’s an odd moment, but in the film this good, I’d have gone for Ator’s ‘No!’ or something.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Cave Dwellers
24. Hellcats
25. Rocket Attack USA
26. Robot Holocaust
27. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Really bad, but goofy movie with some excellent riffing and amusing host segments makes for a very strong episode to open a new era with.
Final Rating: 9/10.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Mst3k – 212: Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Sorry for the long delay; a combination of trying to find the episode, being really busy, and general laziness is to blame.
Another Godzilla movie! Unfortunately, we immediately hit a few problems with this episode. In the first place, this is actually a pretty good movie; considering the number of truly awful Godzilla movies there are it’s rather puzzling that this is one of the two they decided to do…surely Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster would have been far more appropriate? At any rate, “vs. Sea Monster” is a fresh, frequently clever film that shows what the series looked like before it became wedded to formula. Rather than having a monster show up, wreck havoc, and then be defeated by Godzilla, this film sets up a series of problems for its heroes and forces them to figure out how to solve them. For instance, they are trapped on an island run by a terrorist group called the ‘Red Bamboo,’ which is making nuclear weapons and guarded by a sea monster. Then discovering that the island happens to have Godzilla sleeping in a cave, they take the logical step and rig up an impromptu lightning rod and wake him up. Godzilla then does what he does best, fights the sea monster, smashes the base, and creates general havoc. The story is fast-paced and filled with clever invention as the characters improvise ways to fight the Red Bamboo (my favorite is the foresight they had in solidifying the famous ‘walking-bush’ trick by simply carrying a bird with them), and it’s a good example of taking a world of established rules and playing with it.
The episode, particularly coming after last week’s brilliant ‘Vs. Megalon,’ is a bit of a disappointment. The riffing is still funny, though not up to ‘Megalon’s’ level, and it has some great host segments, but it’s marred by a rare example of ‘cheating.’ It’s generally a rule that the Brains can’t mock a film for something that results from their own treatment of it. In this case, they have a running gag of wondering what the name of the movie is, since Joel and the Bots inexplicably don’t come in until about a minute into the movie and miss the opening titles. This is not only not fair to the film, but it’s a joke the audience doesn’t share, since we know what the name of the movie is, and we know that the Brains know as well and are just pretending not to. It’s a rare ‘what the heck were they thinking?’ moment that doesn’t kill the episode, but definitely brings it down.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel reads from “The Velvateen Rabbit.” Sort of. The ‘bots are enraptured. (by the way, Servo has a kind of fez top to his head which he’ll keep for a few episodes).
Invention Exchange: Joel has the mind-control guitar. The Mads have squeeze-toy guitars for dogs who love rock-and-roll. They play their new song; ‘Plastic Man.’ It’s pretty amusing.
Okay, honestly, they cheat here, and pointlessly too. Joel and the bots don’t enter until after the credits, leading to a running gag of wondering what the movie’s name is. This results in about a minute of us watching the movie without them and us not being able to share in the joke, since we, of course, know what the movie’s title is.
Anyway, we open with a storm and a ship being attacked by a giant lobsters.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making them into an oriental salad! The horror!”
Cut to two months later, as the narrator helpfully informs us.
Old woman consults a mystic, who tells her her son is not dead.
(as doubtful guy)
Crow: “He’s dead, live with it, okay?”
Cut to a dance contest…
(blank faced-guy watches contest)
Servo: “I’m digging their scene.”
(on the numbered contestants)
Crow: “Keep moving, forty-one.”
Guy and his friends go look for a boat so he can search for his lost brother.
They trespass on a boat to check it out.
Guy 1: “I wonder what the owner looks like?”
Thief: “I’ll show you what he looks like!”
Servo: “He looks like me, only taller. I’ll go get him.”
Guy 2: “This one here, he’s crazy. Boats are the only thing he thinks about.”
Crow: “Shoot him, now.”
Thief-guy lets them stay on the boat.
(shot of sunrise)
Crow: “Let’s visit God now.
Servo: “Hi, this is God. This film is moving slowly my children.”
And the one guy has taken the boat out to look for his brother.
Thief: “What’s the idea?”
Servo: “Well, the wind catches the sail and…”
We get news about the stolen boat and an earlier robbery (it was done by thief guy of course).
(cut to dinner scene)
Crow: “Mmm, Steve is really delicious!”
Thief (on the skeleton key he’s making): “You’ve got your hobbies and this is one of mine.”
Servo: “You like knitting afghans.”
Thief (laughing): “Do I look like a robber?”
(Servo gives a French ‘oh hohoho!’)
And a storm blows up. (incidentally, this is the same footage from the beginning; spliced in by the American distrubuters).
Joel: “Well, welcome to the “Wrath of God” weekend present by KT.”
The briefcase of money and a game-board fall over and spill into each other.
Joel: “Hey, you got your backgammon in my money!”
Crow: “Well you’ve got your money in my backgammon.”
Joel: “Try to look for an uncharted desert isle!”
(and in the morning they wash up on an island)
Crow: “For once this was a boating accident.”
Joel: “We’re so lucky we washed up on what could be a hostile land with no food, we’re saved!”
The bots panic at the prospect of rock climbing, but it’s a very quick scene.
(at the top)
Servo: “Look, Cesar Romero and Hugh Beaumont?”
And they find a machete and some fruit.
Guy: “I feel like a monkey.”
Crow: “Me too, where can we find one?”
Crow (as they walk through the jungle to music): “We gotta find that rhythm combo.”
And they spot a ship coming and then find a whole harbor and facility guarded by armed men.
(two guards pass each other)
Servo: “Morning Steve,”
Crow: “Morning Phil.”
(eye-patched guy comes in smiling)
Crow: “Smiles everyone, smiles!”
And the ship drops off some slaves.
Servo (upon seeing Kumi Mizuno): “H, E, double-L, O!”
(pretty much standard reaction)
Few slaves try to escape...grab a convenient canoe.
(guards fire wildly while close together)
Crow (as eye-patch guy): “Ah! Not me you idiots!”
Servo: “Good shooting, you killed eight of our own men.”
And would-be escapees get eaten by giant lobster, Ebirah.
Crow (seeing guys impaled on Ebirah’s claw): “Ka-Bob, and Ka-Steve!”
Joel: “I just saw half-a-crab kill a guy.”
Big bad (to eye-patch): “You must be losing your sight!”
Servo: “I don’t think that’s funny sir, but go on.”
Joel: “Salute higher, idiot!”
Girl meets guys, runs off.
Crow: “Wait! I’m a good-guy with a steady future! I want you to see my etchings!”
They join forces.
First Host Segment: Godzilla Genealogy Bop. It’s amusing, even if they insist Godzilla is green, which he is not (he’s dark grey).
Cut to the slaves working and praying to Mothra.
(eye-patch gets their attention by shooting)
Crow: “Oh, couldn’t he just knock?”
Guy: “Don’t make fun of her.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s our job!”
Cut to Infant Island, where the natives are worshiping Mothra.
Servo: “Rocketing its way to number one, it’s ‘Mothra, you are our god,’ it’s got a great beat and you can worship to it.”
Thief: “I don’t think you’ve ever had the police after you.”
Servo: “Okay, you’ve got bragging rights.”
And they find that Godzilla is sleeping in the cave with them.
That’s the third time Crow did that ‘Planet where apes evolved from men’ bit.
The guys try to sneak into the base using the bush trick to investigate and try to help free the slaves.
(they release a dove as distraction)
Servo: “Oh, a symbol of peace. Kill it!”
Servo: “He’s got a hedge trimmer! Scatter everybody!”
Get in, sneak around…
Crow: “Why are they breaking in?”
Servo: “Life hurts them, so they hurt back.”
Big bad berates scientists.
Scientist: “It’s easy for them to issue orders.”
Crow: “They have everything, I have nothing!”
A lot of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ jokes for some reason…
Guy: “It’s a heavy water factory.”
Guy 2: “What can they do with that?”
Crow: “They could take a heavy bath.”
(suddenly crawl around corner to find a boot).
Servo: “Oh, my God! It’s a boot! And there’s a leg attached to it!”
Eye-Patch: “You weren’t killed I see.”
Servo: “That was my fault.”
Crow: “Pass the bush up, quick!”
They make their escape using some gas canisters.
Joel: “Meanwhile in Lego-Land, kids learn at their own rate, the slow way.”
Brother-guy gets caught on a weather-balloon and floats off towards Infant Island. Another guy just gets captured.
Captured guy makes contact with slaves, who are making a liquid the bad guys use to protect themselves against Ebirah…another scene of worshiping Mothra.
Crow (as Mothra): “That’s pretty good, but do it again, and this time with feeling. And Kasy, I’ll see you later.”
Brother guy lands on Infant Island, meets his brother.
Guards search for them, randomly shooting around.
Crow: “Well, I guess it’s frogs legs and cricket soup for dinner tonight.”
Guys get idea to wake Godzilla up to distract/destroy bad guys.
They improvise a lightning rod to wake Godzilla up.
(pan down the wire)
Crow: “This is the only thread I’ve been able to follow this whole film.”
Captured guy gets the idea to make a phony batch of liquid.
Second Host Segment: Joel’s miniature city. The bots are concerned for his sanity and destroy it. It’s pretty funny. (“I’m Servotron, destroyer of worlds!”)
Brothers canoe from Infant Island back to evil isle.
(on storm clouds)
Crow (deep voice): “I’m not pleased!”
Servo (on the soldiers): “Okay, look for the silver lining, men!”
Crow (same): “I’m still not pleased!”
Crow (same): “Now I’m really ticked!”
Huh, actually I don’t think this scene looks fakey at all.
(as Godzilla starts waking up)
Servo: “Make sure he doesn’t hit the snooze button!”
(Godzilla’s eye opens)
Joel: “This had better be good.”
Brothers are threatened by Ebirah…
Godzilla bursts out of cave…
Crow: “Good morning Godzilla. Your mission, should choose to accept it, save those two Japanese guys.”
Joel (Godzilla sees Ebirah): “You woke me up for THAT?”
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, I’ll give you such a pinch!”
Really funny scene where Godzilla and Eibrah batter a boulder back and forth like their playing catch.
Crow: “Run before they make us play outfield!”
And they volley it back and forth a bit…goes too far and hits the base.
Ebirah splashes Godzilla.
Joel: “Oh, now that was low!”
Servo: “Look at Godzilla go! I guess there’s no sea-food lover in him!”
Pretty cool scene where Godzilla gets dragged underwater and they fight.
Crow (as Llloyd Bridges): “I grabbed a rock; and by this time my lungs were aching for air.”
(bushes start shaking)
Crow: “Hey that bush trick doesn’t work around here pal, we invented it!”
(brothers are caught in snares)
Crow: “Oh, how hideous; hung by their feet till their dead!”
Eye-Patch (whipping slaves): “You can work faster! And you there!”
Crow: “…Nice job.”
(soldiers fire wildly)
Servo: “Ow, ow, you shot my other eye you idiots!”
(soldiers chasing girl get scared off by Godzilla)
Joel: “Don’t even mess with my chick!”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Hey were are you going? You owe me babe!”
Girl: “Help me!”
Crow: “Dibs! I got dibs, I said it first!”
Guys arrive and see Godzilla.
Servo: “Woah! Baby you are on your own!”
Joel: “Be careful, we look like corn-cobs to him!”
Giant bird suddenly appears and attacks Godzilla.
Crow: “Hey, what do you think I am, Tippi Hedron? Get out of here!”
And Godzilla blasts it.
Joel: “Oh, now he’s a wonder-roast chicken.”
(bird crashes into the ocean)
Joel: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
And now jets attack him.
(he smashes a plane)
Servo: “Oh, there goes Tom Cruise.”
(alarm sounds)
All: “It’s not going well. It’s not going well. It’s not going well.”
(Big Bad and Eye-patch look out window)
Crow: “Do you see half of what I see?”
Eye-Patch: “Turn the atomic power on! Destroy him!”
Joel: “Uh, whatever you say, sir, but we’re right at ground-zero…”
Guy: “Where’s my brother?”
Crow: “Oh, will you shut up about your brother!?”
(Godzilla throws a rock at the base)
Servo: “Oh no, he’s learned to use tools! Careful people he’s evolving!”
Cave starts collapsing on slaves under Godzilla’s weight.
Eye-Patch: “Put it on nuclear, it will destroy the base!”
Crow: “Oh, great, what was it on before, defrost?”
Crow: “Ah, here comes the death with dignity committee.”
Scientist: “Stay were you are!”
Servo: “Or I’m going to fill a prescription!”
Third host segment: Crow and Servo play as the Shobijin, then Mothra shows up. It’s pretty funny, even though they voice her as a guy.
Guy: “They’re escaping!”
(Godzilla roars off camera)
Crow: “And they sound funny too.”
And Ebirah smashes the boat with the bad guys on it.
Godzilla and Ebirah fight again, with some amusing trash talking from Crow and Servo.
Joel: “Whenever their underwater it sounds like a James Bond movie.”
So, there’s only ten minutes before the island self-destructs.
And Mothra wakes up.
Crow: “I just talked to Ziegfeld; we open in New Haven in two weeks!”
(as Mothra flies off)
Joel: “Oh I am a jumbo Bumblebee!”
And Godzilla rips Ebirah’s claws off.
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, leave me one!”
(he doesn’t)
(Mothra hovers straight down)
Servo: “He’s a harrier-moth”
Shobijin (from on top of Mothra): “She’ll take you; you must get into the net!”
Servo/Crow: “How did we get up here anyway?”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Oh, I’m getting beaten up by a bug, how humiliating!”
And the humans call to Godzilla to get off the island.
Joel: “Let’s see, there’s some beeping and everybody left, I wonder what…oh no!”
And there’s the shot they used for their stinger last week in its proper place.
(as the island blows up)
Servo: “Irwin Allen slept here.”
Really good animated distance shot of Mothra, and we’re done.
Closing: Lines never really said in movies, like “Play it again Sam.” The results of the ‘Cool Thing Contest’ from ‘Lost Continent.’ Some nice pictures. The Mads consider changing their business plan. It’s pretty amusing.
Stinger: Worshiping Mothra. Meh, I would have gone with the giant bird attack.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Hellcats
24. Rocket Attack USA
25. Robot Holocaust
26. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Good movie, with pretty funny riffing and decent host segments, but marred by cheating.
Final Rating: 7/10.
Another Godzilla movie! Unfortunately, we immediately hit a few problems with this episode. In the first place, this is actually a pretty good movie; considering the number of truly awful Godzilla movies there are it’s rather puzzling that this is one of the two they decided to do…surely Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster would have been far more appropriate? At any rate, “vs. Sea Monster” is a fresh, frequently clever film that shows what the series looked like before it became wedded to formula. Rather than having a monster show up, wreck havoc, and then be defeated by Godzilla, this film sets up a series of problems for its heroes and forces them to figure out how to solve them. For instance, they are trapped on an island run by a terrorist group called the ‘Red Bamboo,’ which is making nuclear weapons and guarded by a sea monster. Then discovering that the island happens to have Godzilla sleeping in a cave, they take the logical step and rig up an impromptu lightning rod and wake him up. Godzilla then does what he does best, fights the sea monster, smashes the base, and creates general havoc. The story is fast-paced and filled with clever invention as the characters improvise ways to fight the Red Bamboo (my favorite is the foresight they had in solidifying the famous ‘walking-bush’ trick by simply carrying a bird with them), and it’s a good example of taking a world of established rules and playing with it.
The episode, particularly coming after last week’s brilliant ‘Vs. Megalon,’ is a bit of a disappointment. The riffing is still funny, though not up to ‘Megalon’s’ level, and it has some great host segments, but it’s marred by a rare example of ‘cheating.’ It’s generally a rule that the Brains can’t mock a film for something that results from their own treatment of it. In this case, they have a running gag of wondering what the name of the movie is, since Joel and the Bots inexplicably don’t come in until about a minute into the movie and miss the opening titles. This is not only not fair to the film, but it’s a joke the audience doesn’t share, since we know what the name of the movie is, and we know that the Brains know as well and are just pretending not to. It’s a rare ‘what the heck were they thinking?’ moment that doesn’t kill the episode, but definitely brings it down.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel reads from “The Velvateen Rabbit.” Sort of. The ‘bots are enraptured. (by the way, Servo has a kind of fez top to his head which he’ll keep for a few episodes).
Invention Exchange: Joel has the mind-control guitar. The Mads have squeeze-toy guitars for dogs who love rock-and-roll. They play their new song; ‘Plastic Man.’ It’s pretty amusing.
Okay, honestly, they cheat here, and pointlessly too. Joel and the bots don’t enter until after the credits, leading to a running gag of wondering what the movie’s name is. This results in about a minute of us watching the movie without them and us not being able to share in the joke, since we, of course, know what the movie’s title is.
Anyway, we open with a storm and a ship being attacked by a giant lobsters.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making them into an oriental salad! The horror!”
Cut to two months later, as the narrator helpfully informs us.
Old woman consults a mystic, who tells her her son is not dead.
(as doubtful guy)
Crow: “He’s dead, live with it, okay?”
Cut to a dance contest…
(blank faced-guy watches contest)
Servo: “I’m digging their scene.”
(on the numbered contestants)
Crow: “Keep moving, forty-one.”
Guy and his friends go look for a boat so he can search for his lost brother.
They trespass on a boat to check it out.
Guy 1: “I wonder what the owner looks like?”
Thief: “I’ll show you what he looks like!”
Servo: “He looks like me, only taller. I’ll go get him.”
Guy 2: “This one here, he’s crazy. Boats are the only thing he thinks about.”
Crow: “Shoot him, now.”
Thief-guy lets them stay on the boat.
(shot of sunrise)
Crow: “Let’s visit God now.
Servo: “Hi, this is God. This film is moving slowly my children.”
And the one guy has taken the boat out to look for his brother.
Thief: “What’s the idea?”
Servo: “Well, the wind catches the sail and…”
We get news about the stolen boat and an earlier robbery (it was done by thief guy of course).
(cut to dinner scene)
Crow: “Mmm, Steve is really delicious!”
Thief (on the skeleton key he’s making): “You’ve got your hobbies and this is one of mine.”
Servo: “You like knitting afghans.”
Thief (laughing): “Do I look like a robber?”
(Servo gives a French ‘oh hohoho!’)
And a storm blows up. (incidentally, this is the same footage from the beginning; spliced in by the American distrubuters).
Joel: “Well, welcome to the “Wrath of God” weekend present by KT.”
The briefcase of money and a game-board fall over and spill into each other.
Joel: “Hey, you got your backgammon in my money!”
Crow: “Well you’ve got your money in my backgammon.”
Joel: “Try to look for an uncharted desert isle!”
(and in the morning they wash up on an island)
Crow: “For once this was a boating accident.”
Joel: “We’re so lucky we washed up on what could be a hostile land with no food, we’re saved!”
The bots panic at the prospect of rock climbing, but it’s a very quick scene.
(at the top)
Servo: “Look, Cesar Romero and Hugh Beaumont?”
And they find a machete and some fruit.
Guy: “I feel like a monkey.”
Crow: “Me too, where can we find one?”
Crow (as they walk through the jungle to music): “We gotta find that rhythm combo.”
And they spot a ship coming and then find a whole harbor and facility guarded by armed men.
(two guards pass each other)
Servo: “Morning Steve,”
Crow: “Morning Phil.”
(eye-patched guy comes in smiling)
Crow: “Smiles everyone, smiles!”
And the ship drops off some slaves.
Servo (upon seeing Kumi Mizuno): “H, E, double-L, O!”
(pretty much standard reaction)
Few slaves try to escape...grab a convenient canoe.
(guards fire wildly while close together)
Crow (as eye-patch guy): “Ah! Not me you idiots!”
Servo: “Good shooting, you killed eight of our own men.”
And would-be escapees get eaten by giant lobster, Ebirah.
Crow (seeing guys impaled on Ebirah’s claw): “Ka-Bob, and Ka-Steve!”
Joel: “I just saw half-a-crab kill a guy.”
Big bad (to eye-patch): “You must be losing your sight!”
Servo: “I don’t think that’s funny sir, but go on.”
Joel: “Salute higher, idiot!”
Girl meets guys, runs off.
Crow: “Wait! I’m a good-guy with a steady future! I want you to see my etchings!”
They join forces.
First Host Segment: Godzilla Genealogy Bop. It’s amusing, even if they insist Godzilla is green, which he is not (he’s dark grey).
Cut to the slaves working and praying to Mothra.
(eye-patch gets their attention by shooting)
Crow: “Oh, couldn’t he just knock?”
Guy: “Don’t make fun of her.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s our job!”
Cut to Infant Island, where the natives are worshiping Mothra.
Servo: “Rocketing its way to number one, it’s ‘Mothra, you are our god,’ it’s got a great beat and you can worship to it.”
Thief: “I don’t think you’ve ever had the police after you.”
Servo: “Okay, you’ve got bragging rights.”
And they find that Godzilla is sleeping in the cave with them.
That’s the third time Crow did that ‘Planet where apes evolved from men’ bit.
The guys try to sneak into the base using the bush trick to investigate and try to help free the slaves.
(they release a dove as distraction)
Servo: “Oh, a symbol of peace. Kill it!”
Servo: “He’s got a hedge trimmer! Scatter everybody!”
Get in, sneak around…
Crow: “Why are they breaking in?”
Servo: “Life hurts them, so they hurt back.”
Big bad berates scientists.
Scientist: “It’s easy for them to issue orders.”
Crow: “They have everything, I have nothing!”
A lot of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ jokes for some reason…
Guy: “It’s a heavy water factory.”
Guy 2: “What can they do with that?”
Crow: “They could take a heavy bath.”
(suddenly crawl around corner to find a boot).
Servo: “Oh, my God! It’s a boot! And there’s a leg attached to it!”
Eye-Patch: “You weren’t killed I see.”
Servo: “That was my fault.”
Crow: “Pass the bush up, quick!”
They make their escape using some gas canisters.
Joel: “Meanwhile in Lego-Land, kids learn at their own rate, the slow way.”
Brother-guy gets caught on a weather-balloon and floats off towards Infant Island. Another guy just gets captured.
Captured guy makes contact with slaves, who are making a liquid the bad guys use to protect themselves against Ebirah…another scene of worshiping Mothra.
Crow (as Mothra): “That’s pretty good, but do it again, and this time with feeling. And Kasy, I’ll see you later.”
Brother guy lands on Infant Island, meets his brother.
Guards search for them, randomly shooting around.
Crow: “Well, I guess it’s frogs legs and cricket soup for dinner tonight.”
Guys get idea to wake Godzilla up to distract/destroy bad guys.
They improvise a lightning rod to wake Godzilla up.
(pan down the wire)
Crow: “This is the only thread I’ve been able to follow this whole film.”
Captured guy gets the idea to make a phony batch of liquid.
Second Host Segment: Joel’s miniature city. The bots are concerned for his sanity and destroy it. It’s pretty funny. (“I’m Servotron, destroyer of worlds!”)
Brothers canoe from Infant Island back to evil isle.
(on storm clouds)
Crow (deep voice): “I’m not pleased!”
Servo (on the soldiers): “Okay, look for the silver lining, men!”
Crow (same): “I’m still not pleased!”
Crow (same): “Now I’m really ticked!”
Huh, actually I don’t think this scene looks fakey at all.
(as Godzilla starts waking up)
Servo: “Make sure he doesn’t hit the snooze button!”
(Godzilla’s eye opens)
Joel: “This had better be good.”
Brothers are threatened by Ebirah…
Godzilla bursts out of cave…
Crow: “Good morning Godzilla. Your mission, should choose to accept it, save those two Japanese guys.”
Joel (Godzilla sees Ebirah): “You woke me up for THAT?”
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, I’ll give you such a pinch!”
Really funny scene where Godzilla and Eibrah batter a boulder back and forth like their playing catch.
Crow: “Run before they make us play outfield!”
And they volley it back and forth a bit…goes too far and hits the base.
Ebirah splashes Godzilla.
Joel: “Oh, now that was low!”
Servo: “Look at Godzilla go! I guess there’s no sea-food lover in him!”
Pretty cool scene where Godzilla gets dragged underwater and they fight.
Crow (as Llloyd Bridges): “I grabbed a rock; and by this time my lungs were aching for air.”
(bushes start shaking)
Crow: “Hey that bush trick doesn’t work around here pal, we invented it!”
(brothers are caught in snares)
Crow: “Oh, how hideous; hung by their feet till their dead!”
Eye-Patch (whipping slaves): “You can work faster! And you there!”
Crow: “…Nice job.”
(soldiers fire wildly)
Servo: “Ow, ow, you shot my other eye you idiots!”
(soldiers chasing girl get scared off by Godzilla)
Joel: “Don’t even mess with my chick!”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Hey were are you going? You owe me babe!”
Girl: “Help me!”
Crow: “Dibs! I got dibs, I said it first!”
Guys arrive and see Godzilla.
Servo: “Woah! Baby you are on your own!”
Joel: “Be careful, we look like corn-cobs to him!”
Giant bird suddenly appears and attacks Godzilla.
Crow: “Hey, what do you think I am, Tippi Hedron? Get out of here!”
And Godzilla blasts it.
Joel: “Oh, now he’s a wonder-roast chicken.”
(bird crashes into the ocean)
Joel: “Thank you for flying Northwest.”
And now jets attack him.
(he smashes a plane)
Servo: “Oh, there goes Tom Cruise.”
(alarm sounds)
All: “It’s not going well. It’s not going well. It’s not going well.”
(Big Bad and Eye-patch look out window)
Crow: “Do you see half of what I see?”
Eye-Patch: “Turn the atomic power on! Destroy him!”
Joel: “Uh, whatever you say, sir, but we’re right at ground-zero…”
Guy: “Where’s my brother?”
Crow: “Oh, will you shut up about your brother!?”
(Godzilla throws a rock at the base)
Servo: “Oh no, he’s learned to use tools! Careful people he’s evolving!”
Cave starts collapsing on slaves under Godzilla’s weight.
Eye-Patch: “Put it on nuclear, it will destroy the base!”
Crow: “Oh, great, what was it on before, defrost?”
Crow: “Ah, here comes the death with dignity committee.”
Scientist: “Stay were you are!”
Servo: “Or I’m going to fill a prescription!”
Third host segment: Crow and Servo play as the Shobijin, then Mothra shows up. It’s pretty funny, even though they voice her as a guy.
Guy: “They’re escaping!”
(Godzilla roars off camera)
Crow: “And they sound funny too.”
And Ebirah smashes the boat with the bad guys on it.
Godzilla and Ebirah fight again, with some amusing trash talking from Crow and Servo.
Joel: “Whenever their underwater it sounds like a James Bond movie.”
So, there’s only ten minutes before the island self-destructs.
And Mothra wakes up.
Crow: “I just talked to Ziegfeld; we open in New Haven in two weeks!”
(as Mothra flies off)
Joel: “Oh I am a jumbo Bumblebee!”
And Godzilla rips Ebirah’s claws off.
Servo (as Ebirah): “Oh, leave me one!”
(he doesn’t)
(Mothra hovers straight down)
Servo: “He’s a harrier-moth”
Shobijin (from on top of Mothra): “She’ll take you; you must get into the net!”
Servo/Crow: “How did we get up here anyway?”
Joel (as Godzilla): “Oh, I’m getting beaten up by a bug, how humiliating!”
And the humans call to Godzilla to get off the island.
Joel: “Let’s see, there’s some beeping and everybody left, I wonder what…oh no!”
And there’s the shot they used for their stinger last week in its proper place.
(as the island blows up)
Servo: “Irwin Allen slept here.”
Really good animated distance shot of Mothra, and we’re done.
Closing: Lines never really said in movies, like “Play it again Sam.” The results of the ‘Cool Thing Contest’ from ‘Lost Continent.’ Some nice pictures. The Mads consider changing their business plan. It’s pretty amusing.
Stinger: Worshiping Mothra. Meh, I would have gone with the giant bird attack.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Hellcats
24. Rocket Attack USA
25. Robot Holocaust
26. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Good movie, with pretty funny riffing and decent host segments, but marred by cheating.
Final Rating: 7/10.
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