Here we have one of the most famous episodes of the series: Pod People. As Dr. F. says, it has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting.
The film was originally conceived as a straight-up monster movie, an Italian-French co-production. The problem came when “E.T.” came out right before production, and the producers, wanting to cash in on the massive success of that movie, forced the director to awkwardly shove in a subplot about a little boy befriending one of the monsters. The result is a movie that lurches between three or four plot lines and scyzophrenicly wavers between portraying the monsters as inhuman killing machines or misunderstood innocents. Meanwhile, the aliens look like ape suits with elephant masks attached (shades of “Robot Monster”), the little boy has some very odd mannerisms and is obviously dubbed by a woman, the teenage band members (obviously the original stars before the boy was written in) carefully explain why their leader’s girlfriend shouldn’t mind him sleeping with a groupie to further his own career, a couple of grouchy hunters add nothing whatsoever to the production, and the aliens display vast psychic powers but only kill people with karate chops.
Riffwise…well, it’s funny, to be sure, but it’s never been one of my favorites. The poor picture quality, lots of fog, soft, new-age music, and relatively small number of ‘laugh-out-loud’ moments makes this a bit of a chore to sit through. It took me three or four sessions to gather this review (although granted I had a lot of other work to do in the meantime). There are a number of very funny riffs on “Trumpy” (the alien befriended by the kid), but when he’s off screen the riffs die down a little. The end effect is more amusing than really funny to me.
The host segments are pretty strong, although nothing too memorable, but they’re amusing and don’t outstay their welcome. The episode also ends with a rather iconic song, ‘Clown in the Sky,’ which is even more bittersweet now that MST3k has gone forever from the airwaves.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Crow practices his one-man show, Robot on the Run as part their art show. Servo’s soliloquy is cut short when he can’t remember his line.
Invention Exchange: Joel has a new guitar chord for big finishes. It causes the guitar to explode. The Mads have the public-domain karaoke machine (which I could actually see working). Both inventions are more amusing than funny, though the blasted ‘bots are good.
Like “Cave Dwellers” and “Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster”, this movie’s credits play over footage of a different movie (in this case, Roger Corman’s “Galaxy of Terror”)
Crow (as a man prepares to hit the monster with a shovel): “I believe I’ll use my putter. Four!”
(the monster attacks a girl)
Joel: “This is the Swamp Thing versus the Sweet Thang.”
The film proper starts with a retreating star-field.
Servo: “Boldly backing away from where no man has gone before.”
And we cut to a really foggy forest where some grouchy poachers pull up.
Crow (on a hunter): “Hey, does he look dorky enough?”
Poachers poach some eggs…
Meanwhile, we cut back and forth with a comet heading towards earth.
Now we cut to a kid being awakened by his pet cat.
Kid: “Naughty kitty…”
Joel: “You must be punished.”
Then the lights flicker and the kid looks through his telescope to see a weird green pulsing.
Servo (as the kid): “Hm. What pretentious crap.”
Back to the poachers…
Kid…
Poachers…
One of poachers says he saw something crash, the others don’t believe him, he goes off to investigate by himself.
And Joel tries to push one of the poachers over!
Cut to a pink cave, which they identify as Yoda’s home…then as Crow’s sinuses…then as Smuckers Jelly.
Poacher investigates the cave, which is filled with big eggs.
Crow: “Now Mr. Science is going to show us the white blood cells.”
And he drops the egg, and decides to randomly start smashing up all the eggs.
Joel: “I guess we know which came first now, don’t we?”
He’s stopped by an advancing point-of-view shot…
Servo: “BAWK! BAWK! BAWK! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!”
And the Poachers find the truck gone and realize they have to stay out there (since apparently they can’t find the truck about a hundred yards off).
Joel: “Are you comfortable sharing a sleeping bag with me?”
Cut to some deer…
Joel: “Bambi, humans are basically good…”
Cut to the poachers aiming at them.
Servo: “Oh, check that…”
Joel makes a few quips on the lead poacher’s blood lust.
Poacher: “I want to get the hell out of here!”
Servo: “I’m doing a one-man show: ‘Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson, Leslie Nielson.’”
Servo: “You know, even the movie ‘The Fog’ didn’t have this much fog.”
Cut to a helicopter shot of the hills with fog coming up…
Servo: “It’s Julie Andrews…and she’s on fire!”
Cut to the kid’s eyes peering through a microscope.
Crow: “Ah! It’s the cameraman, he’s looking through the wrong lens!”
Kid tries to get his mean, drunk uncle interested in his centipede.
Crow: “He’s a loving and giving caregiver.”
And we cut to a recording studio.
Servo: “Ah, finally, a movie for our generation: swinging.”
Singer: “Hold it! It’s stinks!”
Crow: “We agree.”
And back to the woods.
Crow: “We’re just as confused as you are, folks.”
Hunters watch the rangers leave…
And back to the studio, where the guys express their confusion over the mumbled lyrics.
Crow: “Lyrics by Mrs. Johnson’s Kindergarten Class.”
They dub it “Hideous Control Now!”
And some people watching assure us “he’s the best.” Sure.
The song just kind of ends and the band leader is mad about something.
Song leader (named Rick) starts chewing out his band.
Recorder: “You want to hear it again?”
All: “No, no!”
Everyone plans to head up to the mountains (has this ever turned out well for any fictional character?)
One of the sluttier girls decides to dump her boyfriend because he can’t take off work for the weekend. Huh?
First Host Segment: Hideous Control Now. They reenact the song scene with the lyrics as they understood them. It’s pretty amusing, especially Gypsy coming in late every time and the Mads acting as the recorders.
Back in the movie the kid wants to go out to find more “specimens” as he calls them, then we cut right back to the studio where Rick and his girlfriend are making up and making out.
Girl: “You think the weather’s going to hold?”
Servo: “No, just stop.”
Girl: “Not a soul for miles.”
Crow: “I’m not bringing mine.”
Turns out Rick is bringing the chick he’s cheating with, along with his girlfriend. He’s just sleeping with her to get a better chance at selling his records.
And his friends convince his girlfriend to stay with him and not mind being used.
Joel: “You see, cheating is hip!”
Crow: “Hey, try to be nice to your boyfriend’s girlfriend.”
And back to the kid, who’s wandering around the woods and finds the cave.
Crow: “Boy I hate Kenny!”
Joel: “This isn’t Kenny, we like this kid.”
And back to the band driving up to the mountains while another bad song plays.
Singer: “What should I do?”
Crow: “Retire.”
Crow: “Hey, look, we paid for the van, we’re gonna film it!”
Cut to the cave (with its red, foggy entrance)
Joel: “Oh, great we were saved by the Gates of Hell.”
Crow (on the kid): “What’s he gonna do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?”
The kid finds the smashed eggs.
Joel: “Wow. Specimen Jackpot!”
About this time they start doing a gag where they call out a list of names ending with “chief? McCloud!” It’s pretty amusing (and they do it a lot in this episode), but it’d be too much trouble to transcribe it, so I’ll just mention it here.
(the kid selects the only unsmashed egg)
Crow: “Oh, that’ll go nice in his mutant-alien-hell-beast-from-space collection.”
And the kid stumbles on the body of the dead hunter from earlier.
Cut back to the teens.
Rick and his chick go off into the woods, where she starts making out until his girlfriend catches them.
And back around the camp-fire, chick starts taunting girlfriend, who splashes water in her face (can’t blame her)
Crow: “Coffee?”
Chick runs off.
Guy: “Let her cool off.”
Crow: “Yeah, or get eaten by creatures.”
Servo: “Snap an ankle, die of exposure.”
And indeed, the chick runs into the poachers, who start chasing her for no reason.
(back around the campfire)
Crow: “And there on the handle was…you’re not listening!”
(back to poachers chasing chick)
Poacher 1: “She’s a lot faster than I thought.”
Poacher 2: “Yeah, well you’re a jerk.”
Servo: “Ooh, touché.”
And chick runs into one of the monsters, causing her to scream and run off a cliff.
Inexplicably, the others hear her (even though they didn’t hear her screaming when she ran into the poachers)
Girl: “What was that?”
Servo: “Sounded like Laura leaping to her death.”
They find her and carry her off.
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move her spine around a lot.”
Teens bring chick back to the van, try to think of what to do. Girlfriend blames herself, blah, blah, blah.
Cut to kid’s house.
Servo: “Meanwhile in ANOTHER movie. *sigh* Patience, gentle viewer, this will all make sense in the end. Not.”
Amusing bit where the kid examines the egg.
Kid talks to his pets, takes the egg to bed with him.
Joel: “Right, he’s trying to hatch the egg. What is he, Horton?”
Back to the teens.
Servo: “So, is this movie A?”
Joel: “Beats me.”
Servo: “Let’s see, the hunters are in movie A, the kid is in movie B…”
Crow: “This must be movie C.”
Teens knock on the door to the kid’s cabin, kid’s mean uncle rebuffs them (he says something about ‘this time of night’ despite the fact that it’s clearly afternoon. They don’t even tint the screen dark at all!)
Mother comes and lets them in.
They just toss her onto the bed!
Mother: “With a good night’s rest she’ll be as right as rain.”
Joel: “Yeah, that’s what cures a crushed spine.”
Kid finds the egg has hatched (in his bed. Ew).
Second Host Segment: Joel sets up a wall of keyboards to make new-age music: Music from Some Guys in Space. Mostly it’s a chance to mock New-Age Music. It’s kind of amusing and doesn’t go on for too long (Crow’s sandwich is probably the best part).
In the movie we rejoin the poachers, who are camped out around a fire.
Lead Poacher: “Haven’t you screwed things up enough already?”
Crow: “Well, he did write the script…”
And the monster makes its appearance. It looks like a monkey-costume with an elephant’s head attached.
Poacher: “It looks like a cross between a pig and a bear…”
Crow: “A pear?”
The poachers decide to capture it (deducing on no evidence whatsoever that it’s harmless).
Poacher (to the monster): “You must be hungry. Have some.”
Crow: “It’s one of you, only gamier.”
Lead hunter jumps monster with a net, get’s kacked. Other hunter shoots it with a dart, which the monster just knocks off.
Crow: “Hey, that nose must be handy in hard-to-reach areas.”
Back to the kid.
Joel: “Hey, what gives? I’m on the milk-carton.”
The kid is feeding “Trumpy” as he calls him.
Kid: “You know what playing is, Trumpy?”
Crow: “Yes. It’s where I break you in half.”
Incidentally, Crow comes up with the funniest voice for Trumpy.
Cut away again.
Servo: “Meanwhile, in movie C.”
Crow: “I think this is movie D. D for dumb.”
Now we just cut back to kid and Trumpy, who is fully grown already and apparently eating the kid out of house and home.
Girl wakes up.
Servo: “Oh, what a nightmare. I dreamt I was a crappy actress in a horrible monster…film…hey, wait a minute!”
The girl notices something odd about the chick…
Servo: “Uh, hello, remember us, the audience? Can we see what it is, please?”
Mother shoos the kids out of the room (the chick is dead, by the way).
Crow: “Come on, breakfast is getting cold and she’s not getting any warmer.”
Now we get Crow’s famous “Potato Soliloquy,” which I would only spoil if I attempt to transcribe it. It’s one of the best bits they ever did.
Kid (to Trumpy): “Nobody must see you!”
Servo: “He doesn’t speak your language, dick-weed.”
Kid: “If you want to stay with me, you must do what I tell you.”
Crow: “I don’t think so.”
Trumpy vacuums up some peanuts.
Crow: “Oh, little potatoes.”
Kid: “These we’ll put away for later.”
Crow: “No! More!”
Kid: “Now we can play.”
Crow: “Like Hell! More food!”
Kid: “What do you know Trumpy?”
Crow: “Food! Eating! The Theater!”
Kid (showing Trumpy a jigsaw puzzle): “You see? The pieces fit together.”
Joel: “Oh, if only this film were so lucky.”
Back downstairs with the teens, one of whom is about to try going to radio for help with mean uncle.
And upstairs with kid and Trumpy.
Kid: “Do you have a mommy?”
Crow: “He was born of an omelet! Of course not!”
Trumpy makes the kid’s telescope view Africa for no real reason.
Kid: “You can do magic things!”
Crow: “It’s called ‘Evil,’ kid.”
And we get a completely random scene where Trumpy starts making the kid’s toys fly around the room and stuff.
Servo (as mother): “Tommy you stop warping time and space this instant.”
And we cut to teen and uncle on their way to a radio in the ranger’s cabin.
Servo: “Meanwhile in a winter movie somewhere.”
Joel: “Gosh, that last scene was goofy, I’m glad we weren’t in it.”
And back to the house with the teens, one of whom decides to try the T.V.
Girlfriend: “How can you kid around like this?”
Girl: “Because if I didn’t I’d be in hysterics…it doesn’t work.”
Joel: “I’m in hysterics!”
Kid goes back in his room to look for Trumpy, checks in his closet and…
Joel: “*SSSSSSSSSSLUURP*!”
Servo: “Face it, kid, Trumpy never loved you.”
Kid (to his cat): “Have you seen Trumpy?”
Joel (as cat): “He tried to eat me! He’s evil!”
Joel: “This is like the house of a million foyers.”
And back to the teen and uncle (and it’s no longer winter for some reason).
They approach cautiously, since no one’s home. The radio doesn’t work (of course). And they find the other poacher, dead.
Then they run into the monster, who kills the teen (mean uncle is attacked in his car, but we see he’ll get away).
Slutty girl helps mother cook and complains about how guys don’t want to sleep with her, then makes designs on the rangers if they show up.
Meanwhile, the kid keeps searching for Trumpy, who’s wandered off.
Joel: “Trumpy, bring me the girl! I desire to be read to.”
(kid looks for Trumpy with his telescope)
Joel: “Now Trumpy and I will do my version of ‘Rear Window’”
Slutty girl gets attacked by monster in the trailer.
Servo: “I think she found Trumpy.”
And the kid sees it all.
Servo: “When good pets do bad things!”
Uncle arrives back home and takes a few pot-shots at the monster.
Uncle: “It’s that damned animal!”
Rick: “What animal?”
Crow: “The damned one!”
Servo (as kid): “Faster Trumpy, kill, kill!”
Third Host Segment: They reenact the goofy “magic Trumpy” scene, with the bots as Trumpy. The ‘Mads look on in disbelief. It’s pretty funny, and we get a better look at the SOL set.
Rick (to mother): “I’m getting out of here, and if I were you I’d take the kid and leave.”
Servo: “Kid, what kid…oh, my God!”
Meanwhile the kid is wandering the woods looking for Trumpy (after he thinks he just saw Trumpy killing someone).
Random scene where Rick and uncle have an alpha-male battle which culminates in Rick blasting one of uncle’s liquor bottles.
And the kid arrives back at the house.
Servo: “You know, I’m starting not to believe this movie. I believed it when Alf went on a killing spree, but this…”
Kid finds Trumpy in his room. Trumpy claims he didn’t kill anyone.
Kid: “Uncle Bill wants to kill you.”
Joel: “My advice? Don’t let him!”
Kid: “What can we do?”
Servo: “You can put on a play in the backyard. Trumpy could be Cyrano!”
The kid decides that he and Trumpy will go hide in the woods.
Back to Rick and uncle. Uncle offers him a drink.
Crow: “Mint Julep?”
Servo: “*urp* No thanks, I’ve had twelve.”
Cut to girl in the shower.
Joel (singing): “Hmm, hmm, I’m in the shower, nothing will happen to me…”
Kid dressed Trumpy up in a parka.
Servo: “There, now you look like Admiral Perry playing the Elephant Man.”
Girl in shower attacked and killed by monster.
Servo: “She’s zestfully dead.”
Joel (as teens): “You know, this may sound crass, but we’re getting good at this.”
Crow (as Trumpy): “You’re my alibi, kid.”
Kid insists that the monster wants to be our friend (he’s channeling Kenny here).
Rick and uncle go out to hunt monster.
Trumpy wanders into the room, and the mother and girlfriend run…right past him instead of away from him.
Joel (as kid): “What’s he’s done is good.”
And now they’re all out in the woods, packing, and looking for the monster in the fog.
Kid: “We must go faster.”
Crow: “Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on! I’m wearing a big stuffed shirt!”
And kid runs into monster, immediately forgetting his assertion that the monsters want to be friends.
Servo: “I’m gonna batter-fry you, kid!”
Kid: “Mommy! Trumpy!”
Servo: “Kid, you were set up.”
Joel: “This is more intense than when Brad Brady got lost in the Grand Canyon.”
Trumpy shows up to vouch for the kid.
Kid: “I just want to help you.”
Joel: “I conspire against my own.”
Uncle gets killed by monster, monster gets killed by Rick.
Crow: “Time to take the mask off and see who it is. Do you folks at home know?”
Mom and girlfriend run through the woods, Mom trips.
Crow: “Oh, my ankle! It’s all bendy-wendy!”
The monster self-buries.
Then kid and Trumpy have a tearful good-bye…
Kid: “I’ll never forget you, Trumpy.”
Servo: “The way you callously knocked-off fifteen people. I’ll never forget that. Don’t ever change, Trumpy.”
Then the kid switches to yelling at Trumpy and telling him he hates him.
Joel: “Oh, that kid’s really having mood-swings.”
And Trumpy is left alone in the woods.
Crow: “I’ll…just…wait here then.”
Then Trumpy wanders off.
Crow: “I’m outta here, this place sucks.”
And we get the credits again with “Galaxy of Terror” footage.
Final Host Segment: “Clown in the Sky.” This is a rather iconic song for them, very well sung by Joel. It’s actually pretty touching, in a funny way. Oddly, it opens with Joel tearing Crow apart, he doesn’t seem to mind much.
Stinger: “It Stinks.” Perfect, that’s all.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Pod People
26. Hellcats
27. Rocket Attack USA
28. Robot Holocaust
29. Robot Monster
Conclusion: An iconic episode that is rather decent than great in my eyes.
Final Rating: 6/10.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Big Bad Tor
(This is a little tribute I wrote about a year ago to wrestler/actor Tor Johnson. Sung to the tune of "Big Bad John")
Big Tor
Big Tor
He stood solid and he walked with a powerful stride,
Stood six-foot-three, weighed three-eighty-five
He was broad at the shoulder and broader at the hip
And everybody knew you couldn’t give the slip to big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Everybody knew Tor from the Matinee show
From scary old pictures where the kids used to go
He was gentle and sweet but don’t push him too far
If he spoke at all he’d just say ‘RAR!’ Big Tor.
He’d worked for mad doctors on the drive-in screen
Till his heart would go soft for a screamin’ queen
With a crashing blow and a wrestler’s squeeze
He’d bring many a hero down to his knees. Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Now most of his pictures weren’t all that good
They were by Colman Francis and old Ed Wood
But knees were quaking and hearts beat quick
Everyone knew it was gonna be slick with Big Tor
Through the lights and the smoke of science-born hell
Walked a giant of a man that the kids knew well.
With his big, bald head and his whispery yell
Many men fought him, and many men fell to Big Tor.
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
And with all his strength he did his best
To show kids things they’d not forget
With Rathbone, Lugosi, and Carradine
He made his mark on the silver screen, Big Tor
Well, he quit doing movies as he got to the end
Everybody who knew him called him a friend
He’d been in the films since ‘thirty-four
And he’ll be remembered forever more, as Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Now he passed away some years ago,
And everyone was sorry to see him go
But the films keep playin’ and as long as they’re lit
Nobody will ever forget that Big, Big Man. Big Tor.
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
He stood solid and he walked with a powerful stride,
Stood six-foot-three, weighed three-eighty-five
He was broad at the shoulder and broader at the hip
And everybody knew you couldn’t give the slip to big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Everybody knew Tor from the Matinee show
From scary old pictures where the kids used to go
He was gentle and sweet but don’t push him too far
If he spoke at all he’d just say ‘RAR!’ Big Tor.
He’d worked for mad doctors on the drive-in screen
Till his heart would go soft for a screamin’ queen
With a crashing blow and a wrestler’s squeeze
He’d bring many a hero down to his knees. Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Now most of his pictures weren’t all that good
They were by Colman Francis and old Ed Wood
But knees were quaking and hearts beat quick
Everyone knew it was gonna be slick with Big Tor
Through the lights and the smoke of science-born hell
Walked a giant of a man that the kids knew well.
With his big, bald head and his whispery yell
Many men fought him, and many men fell to Big Tor.
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
And with all his strength he did his best
To show kids things they’d not forget
With Rathbone, Lugosi, and Carradine
He made his mark on the silver screen, Big Tor
Well, he quit doing movies as he got to the end
Everybody who knew him called him a friend
He’d been in the films since ‘thirty-four
And he’ll be remembered forever more, as Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Now he passed away some years ago,
And everyone was sorry to see him go
But the films keep playin’ and as long as they’re lit
Nobody will ever forget that Big, Big Man. Big Tor.
Big Tor
Big Tor
Big Bad Tor
Big Tor
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Mst3k–302: Gamera
And so, after another incredibly long delay, the MST3k Project is officially back on the air!
Here begins what will be a pattern in Season three of roughly every other film being a Japanese Sci-fi flick. This will prove a rich, fertile field for the Brains, for Japanese Sci-Fi Movies are some of the most bizarre films that mankind has ever committed to celluloid. And that’s not even considering the Japanese Special Effects style (which calls to mind the nursery rhyme: When it is good, it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid) or the half-hearted dubbing, usually with some rather odd accents and dialogue as they attempt to match the Japanese lip movements.
This is the first of the Gamera film series, which can probably be best described as the poor-man’s Godzilla. I know some Gamera fans have objected to that description, but it really is very apt. The Gamera films can certainly be enjoyable, but watching them tends to make the viewer realize how much better the contemporary Godzilla movies are.
For instance, the same year “Gamera” came out Toho released “Invasion of Astro Monster,” completing the trilogy that arguably represents the high-point of the early Godzilla series (not counting the original, of course). As part of the plot of that film, the Xian Aliens request that Godzilla and Rodan be sent to Planet X to defeat King Ghidorah, as they did on Earth in the previous film. The humans object that, even if they knew where the monsters were, it would be impossible for them to capture them and bring them there. The Xians assure them that they will handle that. Now compare that to the end of “Gamera,” where the humans defeat the giant turtle by shutting him in a giant rocket and shooting him off to Mars. As out-there as the Godzilla movies could be, they tended to maintain at least a tenuous connection with reality; a connection the Gamera series throws off like a suicidal bungee-jumper.
Well, anyway, the first Gamera movie shows how Gamera was awakened by a nuclear bomb accidentally detonated in the arctic, releasing him from his icy prison. His revival is witnessed by Dr. Hidaka, his daughter, Katherine, and a reporter named Alex, who is rather creepily obsessed with Katherine. Gamera’s first move is to destroy their ship, killing everyone on board (in a pathetic attempt to mirror the shipping disasters that open “Godzilla”). We then meet far and away the most frightening thing in this film: Kenny. This little brat is obsessed with turtles and as soon as he sees Gamera he becomes almost religiously devoted to him. Listening to Kenny is like reading the parts of a Tom Clancy novel written from the terrorists’ perspective. Honestly, this kid is really disturbing in the way he keeps insisting that Gamera is ‘good and gentle’ even while the monster is laying waste to Tokyo.
So, Gamera arrives in Japan, lays waste to the country for a while in his search for flames to eat (apparently Japan is the only nation that produces flames, since Gamera flies around the world several times but only ever attacks Japan. Oh, did I mention he can fly? Because he can). Kenny does everything he can to sabotage the efforts to stop Gamera, yet Hidaka and everyone still treat him with parental kindness rather than committing him (and there are some rather disturbing hints that Kenny is actually directing Gamera’s attacks somehow). Eventually a really contrived ending takes place, where Gamera is, indeed, locked in a giant rocket (seriously, that thing must be a mile tall at least) and shot into space (this was “Z Plan:” apparently something they had been working on long before Gamera showed up. No word on why exactly they made such a huge rocket in the first place).
So, yeah, the film is pretty bad. But it’s a friendly, fun kind of bad. Joel himself notes that it’s not such a bad movie. Gamera is a pretty cool monster, with his huge tusks and ability to shoot into the air like a flying saucer. If it weren’t for Kenny the film would be a pretty painless experience. As it is…well, at least Kenny doesn’t have as much screen time as some of his future cinematic brothers would.
The episode is very funny, with Joel and the ‘bots in top form throughout, riffing on the poor effects, Kenny’s creepiness, the odd voices, and so on. The host segments are all pretty strong too, each expertly spoofing the movie. So, a goofy-Japanese sci-fi flick, strong riffing, and strong host segments make this an all around excellent episode.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are warming up under Tom’s direction. It’s pretty amusing, and actually appropriate as they are warming up their voices; the kind of things actors do before performing.
Invention Exchange: Joel has an endless salad. It’s really endless. (Also a great bit where Crow tricks Tom into a ‘trust exercise’). Frank has invented a vacuum cleaner for cleaning bird cages. It sucks up the whole cage, bird and all. A very amusing sketch all around.
The credits open over close-up footage of the ocean.
Servo: “Water! The source of all life!”
Our first acquaintance with Sandy Frank, who will turn out to have one of the more painful relations with the Brains.
Servo: “Titles by the Atlantic Ocean.”
Cut to bombers in flight.
Servo: “Oh, death from on high. Neat.”
Crow: “Micro Machines at five-o’clock! And GI Joe is there!”
Reporter: “It looks wild!”
Girl: “You can say that again.”
All: “It looks wild!”
Crow (on a dog in the background): “Ruff. Arf.”
Anyway, three characters meet with some Eskimos and then notice the bombers overhead.
Sailor: “Do you think Dr. Hidaka will learn anything from the Eskimos?”
Servo: “Oh, get real!”
Cut to an American base hearing about the bombers.
Crow: “Americans? What are they doing in the film?”
General: “Have you spotted anything on your radar screen?”
Really bad actor: “No sir. It must coated with anti…electric wave paint sir.”
Joel: “Cut! Cut! Let’s do that again!”
Servo: “Hey, it’s Curly Joe as the General.”
Sailor: “Captain, will they attack us?”
Captain: “I doubt it.”
Joel: “They’re models.”
Some American planes chase the mysterious bombers.
(Bomber fires a missile out its rear)
Joel: “Uh, you lost your muffler.”
(American planes shoot down bombers)
Servo: “And that’s just a warning.”
Girl: “It looks like that air plane carried atomic weapons.”
Servo: “Which means we’re all dead.”
Scientist: “Be careful, don’t go into that area, there’s radiation there.”
Servo: “And as everyone knows it can only affect you if you touch it.”
The ice melts and breaks.
Servo: “And so, in fear and hot water, the first slurpy is born!”
And Gamera breaks out of the ice!
(Girl fiddles with radio while an Eskimo kid stands next to her)
Girl: “Atmospheric conditions are bad and I can’t make contact.”
Servo: “And this little kid keeps twisting all the dials.”
(Joel smacks the kid)
Hidaka: “Good-bye, Chief.”
Crow: “Good-bye McCloud.”
(They’ll really run that gag into the ground next episode)
And the Eskimo chief gives the scientist the ‘Legendary stone’ with pictures of Gamera.
Eskimo: “It is the devil’s envoy!”
Servo: “Kissinger?”
Eskimo: “Gamera!”
Servo: “Oh.”
(examining the stone)
Hidaka: “There are waves around it, it must be aquatic…”
Crow: “Like a duck?”
And the sailors are watching Gamera through binoculars.
Gamera attacks the ship…
And kills everyone on board.
Some toy jets take off…
Servo: “Ice Station Tyco.”
(on a shot of a pilot with a black visor)
Servo: “I can’t see a damn thing. What’s going on, it’s pitch black in here?”
(pilot lifts the visor)
Servo: “Oh.”
(flying over a huge hole in the ice)
Crow: “Looks like we’re flying over the plot hole of the film.”
Cut to New York.
(on a sign saying ‘New York news studio’ which has been cut off by the camera)
Servo: “Oh, New York News Stud.”
Crow: “Hello, ladies!”
Hidaka and his daughter give a news conference with the stud.
(On the bored looking daughter)
Joel: “Sleep! Sleep!”
After the news conference we cut to a drunk old man walking home at night.
Servo: “Oh, this is the universal unsuspecting drunkard about to have a brush with the supernatural.”
And he sees a fireball flying around in the air (his main concern is that it changes its course, not that it’s a huge fireball).
Old Guy: “Maybe it’s the flying saucer I’ve heard them talk about…so much…lately.”
All (applause): “Bravo!”
Reporter (talking about flying saucers): “Even an old farmer outside of Tokyo claims he saw one.”
Servo: “But he’s old, goofy, and drunk.”
Cut to airplane where our three leads are flying.
Servo: “The captain has turned off the no-dubbing sign; you are free to speak any language you choose.”
So, wait, the girl flew from the Arctic to New York and now is flying home and only now realizes that they’re the only survivors?! I guess she’s a little slow.
Hidaka: “There were at least seven or eight camera men along with the expedition.”
Crow: “Now they’re Gamera men.”
Reporter guy confesses that he chose to go along with Hidaka to be with his daughter.
Cut to a lighthouse on the coast.
Lady (looking off screen): “Hello!”
All: “Hi!”
Lady: “Nice to see you.”
All: “Thank you!”
She’s meeting with Kenny’s teacher (who is Kenny? Oh, you’ll see, gentle reader, you’ll see).
Teacher: “He’s done a very strange drawing. I thought you should see it.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s me with the arrows through my head.”
We learn Kenny is obsessed with turtles.
Teacher: “Kenny’s not a bad student.”
Servo: “He’s just twisted.”
Teacher: “The other students make fun of him. They think he’s strange.”
Crow: “Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.”
Lady: “His mother died when he was very young.”
Joel: “She was mauled by turtles.”
Servo (as teacher): “Oh, and ask him to bathe. We must have some rules.”
Cut to Kenny’s family at dinner. Kenny sneaks some food from the table.
Lady: “Kenny? What are you doing with that?”
Joel (as Kenny): “Evil things. Horrible things.”
Lady: “Who’s all this food for?”
Joel: “Sauron the Dark Lord!”
And they make Kenny get rid of his pet turtle.
Servo (Makes flushing noises).
Joel: “See you on the other side, sweet friend.”
First Host Segment: Servo signs a heart-felt song to Tibby, Kenny’s pet turtle. It’s a great song and a great segment, especially when Crow tries to join in. Again, Kevin Murphy has a beautiful voice.
Crow: “Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?”
Back in the movie, Kenny is moping and Gamera pops up over the cliff looking at him. Kenny sees him.
Crow (As Gamera): “Those kids at school they tease you Kenny, because they’ve never tasted Hell. Today we turn the tables!”
Lady: “You’re seeing things!”
(Ground starts shaking)
Crow: “Oh, now you’re feeling things! Kenny, stop it.”
Gamera pops up again.
Crow (as Gamera): “What’s all this about not letting Kenny keep his turtle?”
And Kenny randomly climbs up into the lighthouse, which Gamera promptly smashes.
They’re all cheering for Kenny to fall (I’m with them). He does, but Gamera catches him (boo).
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move his spine around, he’s had a bad fall.”
Kenny starts insisting that Gamera must be good, because he saved him (after trying to kill him, note).
Cut to scientist etc.
Odd voice off screen: “Excuse me Dr. Hidaka?”
Crow: “I have this stabbing pain in my back!”
Joel does a great little other side of the phone voice.
Radio: “Reports are coming in about the devastation caused by Gamera. Although some of these come from unreliable sources.”
Crow: “Like Kenny.”
Kenny finds a pile of rocks.
Crow: “Oh, it’s Tibby’s burial mound!”
Servo: “Shut up.”
Kenny: “Tibby?”
Crow: “Or not ti-be!”
Kenny runs around calling for Tibby.
Crow: “Tibby? Tibby? Squish! Oh, Tibby!”
Joel: “What are you worried about, Tibby’s long dead Tom.”
Servo: “I’m leaving! This is terrible!”
Servo tries to exit through the other side of the theater.
Crow: “How does he expect Tibby to signal him? Light a flare?”
Cut to three heroes on another plane.
Joel: “Man, they’ve been on that plane for like forty-eight hours!”
Reporter guy is starting to get creepy in his obsession with the girl.
Dr. Hidaka: “He must be found soon. Or there’ll be chaos everywhere.”
(Cut to a guy with a clip-board)
Joel: “Let’s see there’s chaos here, chaos there, uh, yup, he’s right, chaos everywhere.”
Gamera starts heading for a geothermal power plant.
Three heroes show up as well.
Commander: “I’m sorry. Reporters aren’t allowed here.”
Servo: “But I’m a bad reporter…”
A guy with a rather odd voice shows up, much to Joel’s delight as he starts imitating him mercilessly.
Crow (after Joel does several quips in odd voice): “Stop please. You can be replaced by Leno, you know.”
Joel: “Sorry.”
Cut to heroes in a jeep.
Crow: “I-it’s s-s-o bu-umpy!”
And they try to electrocute Gamera as he attacks.
Guy: “The electrical shocks don’t seem to bother Gamera at all.”
Servo: “Hm. And I was counting very heavily on them.”
Military fires at Gamera.
Servo: “Three-Mile Island: The real story.”
Joel: “Doesn’t he kind of look like Godzilla with a backpack on?”
Gamera starts eating the fire.
Hidaka: “I must go back to the university.”
Crow: “You stay here.”
Cut to a university where we meet a scientist who looks a lot like a Col. Sanders.
Col. Sanders: “Gamera has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter.”
Joel: “Oh, like McDonalds.”
Soldier: “Commander, I believe we ought to call UN Headquarters!”
Servo: “Oh, what, so you’re in charge now?”
And Kenny is there for some reason and starts cheering for Gamera to run. Joel tries to cover his mouth.
Kenny screams that Gamera is good (despite all evidence to the contrary).
Kenny: “Gamera saved my life once.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s great kid. Guard!”
Kenny: “Gamera is a good turtle, sir.”
Servo: “Yep, what he’s done today is a benefit to all, kid.”
Soldier: “The plant is completely destroyed.”
Crow: “I told you to water the plant!”
Military suggests a freezing bomb, which only lasts for ten-minutes.
Katherine: “You mean it can really freeze anything?”
Crow: “Even a man’s passion?”
They really emphasize the ‘ten-minute’ limit.
Hidaka: “If we make a mistake the whole plan will fail!”
Servo: “No pressure, though.”
Second Host Segment: Crow does that voodoo that he do so well on Kenny via Joel’s Jim Varney doll. Joel tries to get them to feel some compassion for Kenny. It doesn’t work, of course. It’s a pretty funny sketch, especially Crow’s plan to give Kenny a big hug…and squeeze him, and squeeze him, and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeeeeze…Also contains perhaps the first mention of Kim Catrall, the future object of Crow’s affection.
Back in the movie, they’re bombing Gamera with the freezing bombs.
The plan ends with Gamera rolling onto his back.
Crow (as Gamera): “Tell Kenny I loved him.”
And they all expect Gamera to die shortly, since turtles can’t turn over.
Gamera pulls in his head and feet:
Servo: “I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!”
And Gamera starts his jets and flies off like a flying saucer.
Joel (on Hidaka): “Looks like it’s back to Botech for me.”
Hidaka: “They were trying to tell us that Gamera was a flying creature!”
Servo: “A little late, herr doktor.”
(A newspaper suddenly pops up on screen)
Servo: “Smash! Newspaper hits Japanese in face!”
(Cut to old guy reading paper)
Joel: “Ooh, that stung!”
And suddenly cut to Kenny and his mysterious female relative living in Tokyo:
Lady: “What are these stones for?”
Joel (as Kenny): “To hurt people. Life hurts me, so I hurt back.”
Lady: “I suppose this is another foolishness of yours.”
Crow: “I suppose now we’re going to be attacked by a giant rock.”
And Kenny and Lady burst in on Hidaka unannounced.
Katherine: “I told Kenny that when he was visiting Tokyo he ought to come and see us.”
Hidaka: “Oh, how nice.”
Servo: “I didn’t really mean…”
(Lady rambles on about what’s been happening with them)
Servo (as Hidaka): “Oh, how nice for you. Look, I need to get back to work.”
Kenny: “Doctor…”
Joel: “You’re going to die, sir.”
Kenny: “Gamera must be terribly lonely.”
Crow: “Kenny, he’s a turtle! Get a mitt and catch a clue!”
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera demands your instant death!”
Joel: “Your passing will be painless, doctor.”
Cut to Kenny having an argument with another boy over his stones.
Kenny: “Give me back my stones.”
Joel: “You were born of a jackal!”
Turns out the other kid threw Kenny’s stones into the river.
Joel (as Kenny): “DIE! DIE! DIE!”
Now cut to Kenny mopping in a bed, complete with Exorcist jokes.
Joel (as Kenny): “I am the dream warrior!”
And now cut to some fishermen complaining about how the fishing is so bad, then news about floods in Tokyo, complete with stock footage)
Crow: “Oh, ah, this is Pearl Harbor, how did this get in here?”
Hidaka blames Gamera for the disasters (this plot line goes nowhere, by the way).
Mirasu: “I am forced to admit there may be more disasters ahead.”
Servo: “More Gamera movies.”
Cut to a Tokyo airport, where Gamera shows up and kills everyone.
Joel: “Well, so much for Kenny’s theory about him being good-hearted.”
Cut to a rock band.
Crow: “Kenny and the Ken-Tones!”
And the dancers are literally too dumb to live, so they keep dancing while Gamera approaches, even as the police try to make them evacuate.
And Gamera takes down Tokyo Tower and pretty much kills everyone he sees.
Kenny creepily watches the destruction.
Lady: “Hurry, we must leave right away!”
Joel (creepy monotone): “There is still so much work to be done though, sister.”
In the aftermath of the destruction, the Lady tries to evacuate and realizes the Kenny is gone.
Servo: “Oh, who’s she kidding? She’s been wishing for this since frame one.”
So, Gamera is being kept at a coal plant by plying him with flames. Kenny inexplicably decides to go to him.
Crow (as Gamera): “Why? Why? The world was never meant for one as beautiful as me!”
Kenny hops a petroleum train heading for Gamera. Why? He’s psychotic, okay?
Crow makes a bad pun and Joel just casually rips his arm off and hits him with it!
(Guy answers phone)
Guy: “Did it work?”
Servo: “This is Gamera: knock it off!”
And one of the workers risks his life to try to save the ungrateful little psychopath.
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera, I’m coming to be in union with you!”
(as the guy tries to save Kenny)
Joel: “Don’t touch me infidel! The man-goat shall make you pay!”
And they both only barely survive (unfortunately).
The workers all mock Kenny (as do the guys), very justly.
Anyway, the government is now ready to execute “Z Plan.” What is Z Plan? You’ll see, gentle viewer.
Announcer: “The area is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.”
Joel: “Kenny, however, is free to move about.”
Indeed, Kenny stows away on the ship heading to the area.
Third Host Segment: The bots are in a beauty shop and are visited by Gamera (played by Mike Nelson). He’s really nice and admits that he’s using Kenny. It’s a fun little sketch.
Oddly, Joel is already in the theater when they return. He doesn’t believe they met Gamera.
Kenny travlling:
Joel (singing): “Hmm, death to the world…”
Crow (on the island where the end will take place): “Once a garden spot. Now, a playground of death.”
Hidaka: “Kenny, you’re a friend of Gamera, aren’t you?”
Servo: “Oh, very much so!”
Joel: “I am his key-master.”
(Kenny looks thoughtful)
Joel: “Now let’s see, what could I screw up big time…yeah, that’s it! Boats! Everybody needs boats!”
The military creates a line of fire across the ocean to the site of Z Plan (it’s actually a pretty cool shot).
Gamera follows the line of fire, gobbling it up.
But oh noes! A Typhoon threatens to put out the fire!
Joel: “Emperor Kenny, it’s got a nice ring to it. I shall soon be crowned king.”
Hurrah! Reporter guy starts setting fire to the installation to draw Gamera! (and no one else thought of that for some reason).
Servo: “And now Gamera in a scene from ‘From Here to Eternity’”
Joel: “That’s more like the length of this movie.”
But oh noes! The rain puts out the fire!
Crow (as Gamera): “You never loved me, Kenny! It’s just the rocks you cared about!”
Hurrah! A volcano goes off and Gamera is drawn back! (seriously, this whole climax is amazingly contrived).
So they put Z Plan into operation (which Kenny is suddenly excited about, even though he did his best to sabotage it a few minutes ago).
By the way, we get a really pretty impressive mate painting here.
Crow: “Oh, good, Kenny’s here: we can start.”
Joel: “Get me a phone to Moscow and a chocolate doughnut for Kenny.”
So, Z Plan was to trap Gamera in the enormous rocket they just had sitting around and shoot him into space.
Crow and Servo start singing the MST3k Theme song! Joel is not pleased.
And everyone’s happy! Hidaka advises Katherine to give up science and marry reporter guy. Kenny plans to see Gamera again.
Kenny: “Gamera! See you soon!”
Crow (as Gamera): “Hey, Kenny! Get bent!”
Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘The Bells of Saint Mary’s!’”
Final Host Segment: “A quality cast deserves a second look.” Tom gives a second look at the characters in the film. It’s very funny. Then we get a letter. Joel comments that this wasn’t such a bad movie this time. The Mads are not happy about that.
Stinger: Eskimo says “Bye.” It’s a pretty decent moment, just for the way he says it. An acceptable stinger.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Hellcats
26. Rocket Attack USA
27. Robot Holocaust
28. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A goofy monster movie, some great riffing, and strong host segments make this an all-around great episode.
Final Rating: 10/10.
Here begins what will be a pattern in Season three of roughly every other film being a Japanese Sci-fi flick. This will prove a rich, fertile field for the Brains, for Japanese Sci-Fi Movies are some of the most bizarre films that mankind has ever committed to celluloid. And that’s not even considering the Japanese Special Effects style (which calls to mind the nursery rhyme: When it is good, it’s very, very good, but when it’s bad, it’s horrid) or the half-hearted dubbing, usually with some rather odd accents and dialogue as they attempt to match the Japanese lip movements.
This is the first of the Gamera film series, which can probably be best described as the poor-man’s Godzilla. I know some Gamera fans have objected to that description, but it really is very apt. The Gamera films can certainly be enjoyable, but watching them tends to make the viewer realize how much better the contemporary Godzilla movies are.
For instance, the same year “Gamera” came out Toho released “Invasion of Astro Monster,” completing the trilogy that arguably represents the high-point of the early Godzilla series (not counting the original, of course). As part of the plot of that film, the Xian Aliens request that Godzilla and Rodan be sent to Planet X to defeat King Ghidorah, as they did on Earth in the previous film. The humans object that, even if they knew where the monsters were, it would be impossible for them to capture them and bring them there. The Xians assure them that they will handle that. Now compare that to the end of “Gamera,” where the humans defeat the giant turtle by shutting him in a giant rocket and shooting him off to Mars. As out-there as the Godzilla movies could be, they tended to maintain at least a tenuous connection with reality; a connection the Gamera series throws off like a suicidal bungee-jumper.
Well, anyway, the first Gamera movie shows how Gamera was awakened by a nuclear bomb accidentally detonated in the arctic, releasing him from his icy prison. His revival is witnessed by Dr. Hidaka, his daughter, Katherine, and a reporter named Alex, who is rather creepily obsessed with Katherine. Gamera’s first move is to destroy their ship, killing everyone on board (in a pathetic attempt to mirror the shipping disasters that open “Godzilla”). We then meet far and away the most frightening thing in this film: Kenny. This little brat is obsessed with turtles and as soon as he sees Gamera he becomes almost religiously devoted to him. Listening to Kenny is like reading the parts of a Tom Clancy novel written from the terrorists’ perspective. Honestly, this kid is really disturbing in the way he keeps insisting that Gamera is ‘good and gentle’ even while the monster is laying waste to Tokyo.
So, Gamera arrives in Japan, lays waste to the country for a while in his search for flames to eat (apparently Japan is the only nation that produces flames, since Gamera flies around the world several times but only ever attacks Japan. Oh, did I mention he can fly? Because he can). Kenny does everything he can to sabotage the efforts to stop Gamera, yet Hidaka and everyone still treat him with parental kindness rather than committing him (and there are some rather disturbing hints that Kenny is actually directing Gamera’s attacks somehow). Eventually a really contrived ending takes place, where Gamera is, indeed, locked in a giant rocket (seriously, that thing must be a mile tall at least) and shot into space (this was “Z Plan:” apparently something they had been working on long before Gamera showed up. No word on why exactly they made such a huge rocket in the first place).
So, yeah, the film is pretty bad. But it’s a friendly, fun kind of bad. Joel himself notes that it’s not such a bad movie. Gamera is a pretty cool monster, with his huge tusks and ability to shoot into the air like a flying saucer. If it weren’t for Kenny the film would be a pretty painless experience. As it is…well, at least Kenny doesn’t have as much screen time as some of his future cinematic brothers would.
The episode is very funny, with Joel and the ‘bots in top form throughout, riffing on the poor effects, Kenny’s creepiness, the odd voices, and so on. The host segments are all pretty strong too, each expertly spoofing the movie. So, a goofy-Japanese sci-fi flick, strong riffing, and strong host segments make this an all around excellent episode.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are warming up under Tom’s direction. It’s pretty amusing, and actually appropriate as they are warming up their voices; the kind of things actors do before performing.
Invention Exchange: Joel has an endless salad. It’s really endless. (Also a great bit where Crow tricks Tom into a ‘trust exercise’). Frank has invented a vacuum cleaner for cleaning bird cages. It sucks up the whole cage, bird and all. A very amusing sketch all around.
The credits open over close-up footage of the ocean.
Servo: “Water! The source of all life!”
Our first acquaintance with Sandy Frank, who will turn out to have one of the more painful relations with the Brains.
Servo: “Titles by the Atlantic Ocean.”
Cut to bombers in flight.
Servo: “Oh, death from on high. Neat.”
Crow: “Micro Machines at five-o’clock! And GI Joe is there!”
Reporter: “It looks wild!”
Girl: “You can say that again.”
All: “It looks wild!”
Crow (on a dog in the background): “Ruff. Arf.”
Anyway, three characters meet with some Eskimos and then notice the bombers overhead.
Sailor: “Do you think Dr. Hidaka will learn anything from the Eskimos?”
Servo: “Oh, get real!”
Cut to an American base hearing about the bombers.
Crow: “Americans? What are they doing in the film?”
General: “Have you spotted anything on your radar screen?”
Really bad actor: “No sir. It must coated with anti…electric wave paint sir.”
Joel: “Cut! Cut! Let’s do that again!”
Servo: “Hey, it’s Curly Joe as the General.”
Sailor: “Captain, will they attack us?”
Captain: “I doubt it.”
Joel: “They’re models.”
Some American planes chase the mysterious bombers.
(Bomber fires a missile out its rear)
Joel: “Uh, you lost your muffler.”
(American planes shoot down bombers)
Servo: “And that’s just a warning.”
Girl: “It looks like that air plane carried atomic weapons.”
Servo: “Which means we’re all dead.”
Scientist: “Be careful, don’t go into that area, there’s radiation there.”
Servo: “And as everyone knows it can only affect you if you touch it.”
The ice melts and breaks.
Servo: “And so, in fear and hot water, the first slurpy is born!”
And Gamera breaks out of the ice!
(Girl fiddles with radio while an Eskimo kid stands next to her)
Girl: “Atmospheric conditions are bad and I can’t make contact.”
Servo: “And this little kid keeps twisting all the dials.”
(Joel smacks the kid)
Hidaka: “Good-bye, Chief.”
Crow: “Good-bye McCloud.”
(They’ll really run that gag into the ground next episode)
And the Eskimo chief gives the scientist the ‘Legendary stone’ with pictures of Gamera.
Eskimo: “It is the devil’s envoy!”
Servo: “Kissinger?”
Eskimo: “Gamera!”
Servo: “Oh.”
(examining the stone)
Hidaka: “There are waves around it, it must be aquatic…”
Crow: “Like a duck?”
And the sailors are watching Gamera through binoculars.
Gamera attacks the ship…
And kills everyone on board.
Some toy jets take off…
Servo: “Ice Station Tyco.”
(on a shot of a pilot with a black visor)
Servo: “I can’t see a damn thing. What’s going on, it’s pitch black in here?”
(pilot lifts the visor)
Servo: “Oh.”
(flying over a huge hole in the ice)
Crow: “Looks like we’re flying over the plot hole of the film.”
Cut to New York.
(on a sign saying ‘New York news studio’ which has been cut off by the camera)
Servo: “Oh, New York News Stud.”
Crow: “Hello, ladies!”
Hidaka and his daughter give a news conference with the stud.
(On the bored looking daughter)
Joel: “Sleep! Sleep!”
After the news conference we cut to a drunk old man walking home at night.
Servo: “Oh, this is the universal unsuspecting drunkard about to have a brush with the supernatural.”
And he sees a fireball flying around in the air (his main concern is that it changes its course, not that it’s a huge fireball).
Old Guy: “Maybe it’s the flying saucer I’ve heard them talk about…so much…lately.”
All (applause): “Bravo!”
Reporter (talking about flying saucers): “Even an old farmer outside of Tokyo claims he saw one.”
Servo: “But he’s old, goofy, and drunk.”
Cut to airplane where our three leads are flying.
Servo: “The captain has turned off the no-dubbing sign; you are free to speak any language you choose.”
So, wait, the girl flew from the Arctic to New York and now is flying home and only now realizes that they’re the only survivors?! I guess she’s a little slow.
Hidaka: “There were at least seven or eight camera men along with the expedition.”
Crow: “Now they’re Gamera men.”
Reporter guy confesses that he chose to go along with Hidaka to be with his daughter.
Cut to a lighthouse on the coast.
Lady (looking off screen): “Hello!”
All: “Hi!”
Lady: “Nice to see you.”
All: “Thank you!”
She’s meeting with Kenny’s teacher (who is Kenny? Oh, you’ll see, gentle reader, you’ll see).
Teacher: “He’s done a very strange drawing. I thought you should see it.”
Joel: “Uh, that’s me with the arrows through my head.”
We learn Kenny is obsessed with turtles.
Teacher: “Kenny’s not a bad student.”
Servo: “He’s just twisted.”
Teacher: “The other students make fun of him. They think he’s strange.”
Crow: “Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.”
Lady: “His mother died when he was very young.”
Joel: “She was mauled by turtles.”
Servo (as teacher): “Oh, and ask him to bathe. We must have some rules.”
Cut to Kenny’s family at dinner. Kenny sneaks some food from the table.
Lady: “Kenny? What are you doing with that?”
Joel (as Kenny): “Evil things. Horrible things.”
Lady: “Who’s all this food for?”
Joel: “Sauron the Dark Lord!”
And they make Kenny get rid of his pet turtle.
Servo (Makes flushing noises).
Joel: “See you on the other side, sweet friend.”
First Host Segment: Servo signs a heart-felt song to Tibby, Kenny’s pet turtle. It’s a great song and a great segment, especially when Crow tries to join in. Again, Kevin Murphy has a beautiful voice.
Crow: “Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?”
Back in the movie, Kenny is moping and Gamera pops up over the cliff looking at him. Kenny sees him.
Crow (As Gamera): “Those kids at school they tease you Kenny, because they’ve never tasted Hell. Today we turn the tables!”
Lady: “You’re seeing things!”
(Ground starts shaking)
Crow: “Oh, now you’re feeling things! Kenny, stop it.”
Gamera pops up again.
Crow (as Gamera): “What’s all this about not letting Kenny keep his turtle?”
And Kenny randomly climbs up into the lighthouse, which Gamera promptly smashes.
They’re all cheering for Kenny to fall (I’m with them). He does, but Gamera catches him (boo).
Crow: “Yeah, quick, move his spine around, he’s had a bad fall.”
Kenny starts insisting that Gamera must be good, because he saved him (after trying to kill him, note).
Cut to scientist etc.
Odd voice off screen: “Excuse me Dr. Hidaka?”
Crow: “I have this stabbing pain in my back!”
Joel does a great little other side of the phone voice.
Radio: “Reports are coming in about the devastation caused by Gamera. Although some of these come from unreliable sources.”
Crow: “Like Kenny.”
Kenny finds a pile of rocks.
Crow: “Oh, it’s Tibby’s burial mound!”
Servo: “Shut up.”
Kenny: “Tibby?”
Crow: “Or not ti-be!”
Kenny runs around calling for Tibby.
Crow: “Tibby? Tibby? Squish! Oh, Tibby!”
Joel: “What are you worried about, Tibby’s long dead Tom.”
Servo: “I’m leaving! This is terrible!”
Servo tries to exit through the other side of the theater.
Crow: “How does he expect Tibby to signal him? Light a flare?”
Cut to three heroes on another plane.
Joel: “Man, they’ve been on that plane for like forty-eight hours!”
Reporter guy is starting to get creepy in his obsession with the girl.
Dr. Hidaka: “He must be found soon. Or there’ll be chaos everywhere.”
(Cut to a guy with a clip-board)
Joel: “Let’s see there’s chaos here, chaos there, uh, yup, he’s right, chaos everywhere.”
Gamera starts heading for a geothermal power plant.
Three heroes show up as well.
Commander: “I’m sorry. Reporters aren’t allowed here.”
Servo: “But I’m a bad reporter…”
A guy with a rather odd voice shows up, much to Joel’s delight as he starts imitating him mercilessly.
Crow (after Joel does several quips in odd voice): “Stop please. You can be replaced by Leno, you know.”
Joel: “Sorry.”
Cut to heroes in a jeep.
Crow: “I-it’s s-s-o bu-umpy!”
And they try to electrocute Gamera as he attacks.
Guy: “The electrical shocks don’t seem to bother Gamera at all.”
Servo: “Hm. And I was counting very heavily on them.”
Military fires at Gamera.
Servo: “Three-Mile Island: The real story.”
Joel: “Doesn’t he kind of look like Godzilla with a backpack on?”
Gamera starts eating the fire.
Hidaka: “I must go back to the university.”
Crow: “You stay here.”
Cut to a university where we meet a scientist who looks a lot like a Col. Sanders.
Col. Sanders: “Gamera has the power to convert organic matter into inorganic matter.”
Joel: “Oh, like McDonalds.”
Soldier: “Commander, I believe we ought to call UN Headquarters!”
Servo: “Oh, what, so you’re in charge now?”
And Kenny is there for some reason and starts cheering for Gamera to run. Joel tries to cover his mouth.
Kenny screams that Gamera is good (despite all evidence to the contrary).
Kenny: “Gamera saved my life once.”
Crow: “Yeah, that’s great kid. Guard!”
Kenny: “Gamera is a good turtle, sir.”
Servo: “Yep, what he’s done today is a benefit to all, kid.”
Soldier: “The plant is completely destroyed.”
Crow: “I told you to water the plant!”
Military suggests a freezing bomb, which only lasts for ten-minutes.
Katherine: “You mean it can really freeze anything?”
Crow: “Even a man’s passion?”
They really emphasize the ‘ten-minute’ limit.
Hidaka: “If we make a mistake the whole plan will fail!”
Servo: “No pressure, though.”
Second Host Segment: Crow does that voodoo that he do so well on Kenny via Joel’s Jim Varney doll. Joel tries to get them to feel some compassion for Kenny. It doesn’t work, of course. It’s a pretty funny sketch, especially Crow’s plan to give Kenny a big hug…and squeeze him, and squeeze him, and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeeeeze…Also contains perhaps the first mention of Kim Catrall, the future object of Crow’s affection.
Back in the movie, they’re bombing Gamera with the freezing bombs.
The plan ends with Gamera rolling onto his back.
Crow (as Gamera): “Tell Kenny I loved him.”
And they all expect Gamera to die shortly, since turtles can’t turn over.
Gamera pulls in his head and feet:
Servo: “I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!”
And Gamera starts his jets and flies off like a flying saucer.
Joel (on Hidaka): “Looks like it’s back to Botech for me.”
Hidaka: “They were trying to tell us that Gamera was a flying creature!”
Servo: “A little late, herr doktor.”
(A newspaper suddenly pops up on screen)
Servo: “Smash! Newspaper hits Japanese in face!”
(Cut to old guy reading paper)
Joel: “Ooh, that stung!”
And suddenly cut to Kenny and his mysterious female relative living in Tokyo:
Lady: “What are these stones for?”
Joel (as Kenny): “To hurt people. Life hurts me, so I hurt back.”
Lady: “I suppose this is another foolishness of yours.”
Crow: “I suppose now we’re going to be attacked by a giant rock.”
And Kenny and Lady burst in on Hidaka unannounced.
Katherine: “I told Kenny that when he was visiting Tokyo he ought to come and see us.”
Hidaka: “Oh, how nice.”
Servo: “I didn’t really mean…”
(Lady rambles on about what’s been happening with them)
Servo (as Hidaka): “Oh, how nice for you. Look, I need to get back to work.”
Kenny: “Doctor…”
Joel: “You’re going to die, sir.”
Kenny: “Gamera must be terribly lonely.”
Crow: “Kenny, he’s a turtle! Get a mitt and catch a clue!”
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera demands your instant death!”
Joel: “Your passing will be painless, doctor.”
Cut to Kenny having an argument with another boy over his stones.
Kenny: “Give me back my stones.”
Joel: “You were born of a jackal!”
Turns out the other kid threw Kenny’s stones into the river.
Joel (as Kenny): “DIE! DIE! DIE!”
Now cut to Kenny mopping in a bed, complete with Exorcist jokes.
Joel (as Kenny): “I am the dream warrior!”
And now cut to some fishermen complaining about how the fishing is so bad, then news about floods in Tokyo, complete with stock footage)
Crow: “Oh, ah, this is Pearl Harbor, how did this get in here?”
Hidaka blames Gamera for the disasters (this plot line goes nowhere, by the way).
Mirasu: “I am forced to admit there may be more disasters ahead.”
Servo: “More Gamera movies.”
Cut to a Tokyo airport, where Gamera shows up and kills everyone.
Joel: “Well, so much for Kenny’s theory about him being good-hearted.”
Cut to a rock band.
Crow: “Kenny and the Ken-Tones!”
And the dancers are literally too dumb to live, so they keep dancing while Gamera approaches, even as the police try to make them evacuate.
And Gamera takes down Tokyo Tower and pretty much kills everyone he sees.
Kenny creepily watches the destruction.
Lady: “Hurry, we must leave right away!”
Joel (creepy monotone): “There is still so much work to be done though, sister.”
In the aftermath of the destruction, the Lady tries to evacuate and realizes the Kenny is gone.
Servo: “Oh, who’s she kidding? She’s been wishing for this since frame one.”
So, Gamera is being kept at a coal plant by plying him with flames. Kenny inexplicably decides to go to him.
Crow (as Gamera): “Why? Why? The world was never meant for one as beautiful as me!”
Kenny hops a petroleum train heading for Gamera. Why? He’s psychotic, okay?
Crow makes a bad pun and Joel just casually rips his arm off and hits him with it!
(Guy answers phone)
Guy: “Did it work?”
Servo: “This is Gamera: knock it off!”
And one of the workers risks his life to try to save the ungrateful little psychopath.
Joel (as Kenny): “Gamera, I’m coming to be in union with you!”
(as the guy tries to save Kenny)
Joel: “Don’t touch me infidel! The man-goat shall make you pay!”
And they both only barely survive (unfortunately).
The workers all mock Kenny (as do the guys), very justly.
Anyway, the government is now ready to execute “Z Plan.” What is Z Plan? You’ll see, gentle viewer.
Announcer: “The area is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.”
Joel: “Kenny, however, is free to move about.”
Indeed, Kenny stows away on the ship heading to the area.
Third Host Segment: The bots are in a beauty shop and are visited by Gamera (played by Mike Nelson). He’s really nice and admits that he’s using Kenny. It’s a fun little sketch.
Oddly, Joel is already in the theater when they return. He doesn’t believe they met Gamera.
Kenny travlling:
Joel (singing): “Hmm, death to the world…”
Crow (on the island where the end will take place): “Once a garden spot. Now, a playground of death.”
Hidaka: “Kenny, you’re a friend of Gamera, aren’t you?”
Servo: “Oh, very much so!”
Joel: “I am his key-master.”
(Kenny looks thoughtful)
Joel: “Now let’s see, what could I screw up big time…yeah, that’s it! Boats! Everybody needs boats!”
The military creates a line of fire across the ocean to the site of Z Plan (it’s actually a pretty cool shot).
Gamera follows the line of fire, gobbling it up.
But oh noes! A Typhoon threatens to put out the fire!
Joel: “Emperor Kenny, it’s got a nice ring to it. I shall soon be crowned king.”
Hurrah! Reporter guy starts setting fire to the installation to draw Gamera! (and no one else thought of that for some reason).
Servo: “And now Gamera in a scene from ‘From Here to Eternity’”
Joel: “That’s more like the length of this movie.”
But oh noes! The rain puts out the fire!
Crow (as Gamera): “You never loved me, Kenny! It’s just the rocks you cared about!”
Hurrah! A volcano goes off and Gamera is drawn back! (seriously, this whole climax is amazingly contrived).
So they put Z Plan into operation (which Kenny is suddenly excited about, even though he did his best to sabotage it a few minutes ago).
By the way, we get a really pretty impressive mate painting here.
Crow: “Oh, good, Kenny’s here: we can start.”
Joel: “Get me a phone to Moscow and a chocolate doughnut for Kenny.”
So, Z Plan was to trap Gamera in the enormous rocket they just had sitting around and shoot him into space.
Crow and Servo start singing the MST3k Theme song! Joel is not pleased.
And everyone’s happy! Hidaka advises Katherine to give up science and marry reporter guy. Kenny plans to see Gamera again.
Kenny: “Gamera! See you soon!”
Crow (as Gamera): “Hey, Kenny! Get bent!”
Crow: “Gamera will be back in ‘The Bells of Saint Mary’s!’”
Final Host Segment: “A quality cast deserves a second look.” Tom gives a second look at the characters in the film. It’s very funny. Then we get a letter. Joel comments that this wasn’t such a bad movie this time. The Mads are not happy about that.
Stinger: Eskimo says “Bye.” It’s a pretty decent moment, just for the way he says it. An acceptable stinger.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. Gamera
7. First Spaceship to Venus
8. Rocketship XM
9. Moon Zero Two
10. Godzilla vs. Megalon
11. The Crawling Hand
12. Catalina Caper
13. King Dinosaur
14. Jungle Goddess
15. Wild Rebels
16. The Corpse Vanishes
17. Ring of Terror
18. Untamed Youth
19. The Slime People
20. Project Moonbase
21. The Sidehackers
22. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
23. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
24. Cave Dwellers
25. Hellcats
26. Rocket Attack USA
27. Robot Holocaust
28. Robot Monster
Conclusion: A goofy monster movie, some great riffing, and strong host segments make this an all-around great episode.
Final Rating: 10/10.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Alice Cooper: An Appreciation
Today, I discovered a little too late, was Alice Cooper’s birthday. I don’t know whether it’ll surprise anyone or not, but I’m a fan of his. First off, his music is simply awesome (my favorite is probably “He’s Back,” written in honor of that masterpiece of cinema: “Friday the 13th Part VI”). But more than that, to me he embodies a sort of gleeful mockery of evil. Cooper acts like some sort of sadomasochistic horror freak, but it’s all an act. If it were real, he wouldn’t be half as much fun. I think he’s one of the very few modern artists who really capture the feel of a medieval macabre or bawdy: the dancing deaths and “Miller’s Tale.” In singing about being a serial killer or about having hot masochistic sex, Cooper is actually mocking them. The reality may be horrible, but he approaches it with such a deft, light touch that becomes entertaining rather than repulsive. You enjoy the song like you enjoy a horror movie: because it is fires up the blood and sends shivers down the spine, while at the same time being fundamentally innocent. An Alice Cooper song is a camp-fire story or slumber-party game in music form. It’s ultimately a mockery of evil rather than an endorsement of it.
Cooper himself is, apparently, a devout Christian who has gone on record saying his songs are meant to say “this is the devil: don’t choose it.” I believe him. At least one of his songs wouldn’t be out of place at a Youth Group Meeting (oh, boy, if I ever host one…). Cooper has seen enough of the ugly side of life in his time, and now he sings about it in a way that makes it over-the-top absurd rather than frightening. His songs are, in essence, a rousing chorus of “we are not afraid!” directed straight at Satan. That’s a rare skill and all too often misunderstood these days, particularly in Christian circles.
Happy Birthday, Alice!
Cooper himself is, apparently, a devout Christian who has gone on record saying his songs are meant to say “this is the devil: don’t choose it.” I believe him. At least one of his songs wouldn’t be out of place at a Youth Group Meeting (oh, boy, if I ever host one…). Cooper has seen enough of the ugly side of life in his time, and now he sings about it in a way that makes it over-the-top absurd rather than frightening. His songs are, in essence, a rousing chorus of “we are not afraid!” directed straight at Satan. That’s a rare skill and all too often misunderstood these days, particularly in Christian circles.
Happy Birthday, Alice!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I Cannot
I could gaze at your picture for hours on end
And count the time well spent.
I could read your name again and again
And feel I was content.
I could hear you speak for days and days
And thank God for my lot.
I could say that I love you in so many ways
But I cannot.
I would wait in the rain for a day and a night
To sit with you a while.
I would spare myself no scorn or sleight
If it would make you smile.
I would sing of your beauty and kindness and grace
As what I long have sought.
I would gaze long and loving at your lovely face
But I cannot.
I wish I could tell you what goes through my soul
Each time I catch your glance.
I wish, oh I wish that I somehow could know
If I even have a chance.
I pray that the hour may come sometime soon
To say what I dare not.
I wish I could offer my whole life to you
But I cannot.
And count the time well spent.
I could read your name again and again
And feel I was content.
I could hear you speak for days and days
And thank God for my lot.
I could say that I love you in so many ways
But I cannot.
I would wait in the rain for a day and a night
To sit with you a while.
I would spare myself no scorn or sleight
If it would make you smile.
I would sing of your beauty and kindness and grace
As what I long have sought.
I would gaze long and loving at your lovely face
But I cannot.
I wish I could tell you what goes through my soul
Each time I catch your glance.
I wish, oh I wish that I somehow could know
If I even have a chance.
I pray that the hour may come sometime soon
To say what I dare not.
I wish I could offer my whole life to you
But I cannot.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thoughts on "The King's Speech"
The head of the largest Empire on Earth, on the cusp of the greatest War in History can barely say a complete sentence.
In a nutshell, that is the premise of The King’s Speech. For those of us who have difficulty speaking, a crowded room or a face across the table is intimidating enough. For a man with a severe stutter to speak to the entire British Empire...words fail to convey how terrifying that must be. This film, however, succeeds.
For those who have no difficulty speaking, it can be hard to convey just how frustrating, how humiliating the sensation of not being able to say what you want can be. The King’s Speech makes sure everyone in its audience knows exactly how it feels in the very opening scenes, where Prince Albert (excellent Colin Firth, forever Mr. Darcy to me) has to deliver a short speech opening the British Empire Exhibition before a huge crowd. As he falters and begins to stammer every silence, every half-word, every inarticulate sound coming out of his throat is magnified a hundred times over, reflecting his shame and embarrassment. Later his father makes him practice with the Christmas broadcast the King has just finished giving. As Albert struggles through the first few sentences, his father yells at him: “TRY!” As if that was his problem.
Seeking help, Albert’s wife, Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter, also excellent) seeks out of the help of a rather unorthodox Australian speech therapist and failed-actor named Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush, excellent). And so begins a remarkable relationship between the Duke of York and this slightly eccentric colonial, which soon develops into a surprising friendship...perhaps the first real one the Duke has ever had, baring his wife. As Logue points out, he can help the stammering only to a certain extent: to really make progress he has to reach deeper to find the underlying issues, which will require Albert to confide in him.
The film evinces incredible understanding of those with speech difficulties, and any person watching who has such a problem will find themselves nodding in sympathy with poor Prince Albert as he struggles to so much as tell a bed-time story to his daughters. Also refreshing is how Albert (or Bertie has his family…and later Logue…call him) doesn’t make immediate progress. Indeed, he is never completely cured during the film, and the ending indicates that he never was. The important thing isn’t whether he stammers, it’s whether he can perform his duties with it.
Duty is something of a subordinate theme in this movie. One of the reasons Bertie’s speech therapy is so vital is that his brother, Prince Edward, is too wrapped up in his famous romance with Mrs. Simpson to attend to his duties as heir to the throne…even after their father dies and Edward becomes King. Edward is too completely taken in by Wallis Simpson to really understand the gravity of the situation…or the fact that Mrs. Simpson has ties to the Nazis.
This is dramatized in a scene where Bertie and Elizabeth visit Edward (Guy Pearce, who is, yes, excellent as a decidedly not excellent man) and Mrs. Simpson at a royal retreat in Scotland…where Edward has set Mrs. Simpson up and is holding a raucous party. He we have one of the most heart wrenching moments in the film. Bertie follows Edward around the castle, trying to convince him to do his duty, to impress upon him the seriousness of his position (“What of Kaiser Wilhelm? What of the Russian Czar? Where are they?”), and reminding him that he can’t marry a divorced, American, Nazi-supporting woman and be King. Edward cheerfully ignores him, until finally Bertie starts putting his foot down and demanding his brother act like a King. At this, Edward viciously resorts to mocking Albert’s stutter, bringing the discussion to a brutal halt. Here we see one of the worst parts of having a speech impediment: the fact that there is always something people can easily attack and there is nothing you can do about it. Like going through life with a gaping wound you can’t protect or cover. Albert can’t respond to Edward’s mocking, since any attempt to do so would only give him more fuel, more material to turn into mockery. All he can do is back down, despite the fact that he is clearly in the right.
The worst part about this scene is that, up to this point, Edward has been a fairly pleasant character: weak, but basically good natured. The two brothers have gotten along fine. It was only when Albert tried to disrupt Edward’s foolish little world that Edward turned on him. It’s a brutal, shocking scene.
There is another element to that scene, though, which is the thought that here is a man who’s speech impediment makes it impossible for him to stand up to his own brother. How can he be expected to stand up to Nazi Germany?
This very point is illustrated in another striking moment. Edward, of course, soon abdicates to “be with the woman I love” (bleh) leaving his infinitely more admirable brother with the unenviable task of being King of England. Not long after this, King George (as Albert is now called) sees his future nemesis in a newsreel and realizes that Adolf Hitler has exactly the power that the King of England so conspicuously lacks. A power he will need to develop if he is going to lead his people through another war with Germany. All this leads up to his pivotal moment: his first war time speech, with which he will have to rally his Empire to fight the most powerful army on Earth.
Despite the subject matter – the deaths of kings, the fates of Empires, World Wars – the film staunchly remains an intimate human drama…and occasionally a human comedy, in some hilarious moments in Logue’s therapy (including perhaps the least offensive stream of profanity imaginable) and in a repeated gag involving a single shilling. Then there is the delightful moment when Logue’s wife (whom he has not yet informed of the situation) returns home unexpectedly to find the Queen of England sitting at her table while the King and her husband panic in the other room (Logue’s wife, incidentally, is played by Jennifer Ehle, who played Elizabeth Bennet opposite Colin Firth’s Darcy. They get a brief moment to exchange a look that, while completely in character, comes across almost as a shared joke. As if that wasn’t enough, David Bamber, who played Mr. Collins, also shows up briefly, still oozing slime as if he never stopped). Completely floored, she finds herself asking their royal majesties to stay for dinner…an offer which the Queen graciously deflects to the relief of all.
The film abounds with well observed little character moments, such as the aforementioned bed-time story Albert tells his daughters (“We want a story about a penguin!”), which they adore despite the difficulty he had in saying it. After he is made king comes another moment with the girls, as they uncertainly courtesy to him instead of running for a hug. One of my favorite moments, however, comes almost at the end. As Albert prepares to give his all-important speech, Winston Churchill (Timothy Spall) informs him that he himself once had a speech impediment. It’s a good example of saying a lot with very little and relying on the audience to make the connection: Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of the twentieth century, himself once could not speak.
As the reasons for Albert’s speech impediment come to light, we begin to wonder how he turned out as well adjusted as he is. The slow, disjointed tale of abuse gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “oh, to be king!” As our sympathy for Albert builds, however, so does our admiration. Here is a man who never wanted to be king, who never thought to be king, and who never believed he could be king. “I’m not a king!” he sobs at one point, completely overwhelmed by the unfairness of his position. In another scene he sums up his whole, horrible position in remarkable speech. “If I’m a king, where’s my power?” he asks. “Can I declare war? Form a government? Levy a tax? No! And yet I’m the seat of all authority because they think when I speak I speak for them. But I can’t speak.”
But, unlike his brother, Albert does not abandon his post. With help from his friend and his loving wife, he manfully shoulders his duty and finds, to his immense surprise, that he is equal to it after all.
I myself have a very minor speech difficulty: I would hardly even call in an impediment, more of a slight stumbling block. It’s just enough that I have some inkling of what my friends who do have speech impediments go though, and I have seen the difficulty they sometimes have in this world that seems to think a stammer is an attempt to personally inconvenience it. That is one of the best things about this film: that it provides a window into what it is like to live that way. This is largely due to Colin Firth’s acting, which, as noted, is incredible. We feel his frustration as he struggles to get his words out, his shame when he simply cannot speak, his resentment and fear of those who expect him to simply “make himself” speak well. Compare his performance with the usual presentation of stutterers: actors simply repeating the first letter of a word a few times. Firth gulps, mouths soundlessly, makes inarticulate noise, everything that someone who really has this affliction does. In short, he actually seems to be trying to talk. His acting simply cannot be praised highly enough.
Geoffrey Rush also succeeds in his rather more conventional role. He does a wonderful job of showcasing Logue’s own personal doubts, as well as his frank uncertainty about having to treat the Duke of York (and later the King of England) as just another patient, but also the awareness that that’s the only way he can help him. The relationship between Rush and Firth constitutes the heart of the film, and both actors rise marvelously to the occasion. Helena Bonham Carter is also delightful as the beloved Queen Mother and gets many of the film’s most delightful moments, such as when she has to take a moment to figure out how to use the lift down to Logue’s office. As we learn more about Bertie’s life as a member of the royal family, we can’t help but be amazed and grateful that he found and married such a wonderfully normal woman.
This is a film that should be seen by everyone, and especially anyone who has or who knows someone with a speech impediment, or a social handicap, or anything of the kind. It is a brilliant, touching, funny reminder that all great men are, first of all, just men.
In a nutshell, that is the premise of The King’s Speech. For those of us who have difficulty speaking, a crowded room or a face across the table is intimidating enough. For a man with a severe stutter to speak to the entire British Empire...words fail to convey how terrifying that must be. This film, however, succeeds.
For those who have no difficulty speaking, it can be hard to convey just how frustrating, how humiliating the sensation of not being able to say what you want can be. The King’s Speech makes sure everyone in its audience knows exactly how it feels in the very opening scenes, where Prince Albert (excellent Colin Firth, forever Mr. Darcy to me) has to deliver a short speech opening the British Empire Exhibition before a huge crowd. As he falters and begins to stammer every silence, every half-word, every inarticulate sound coming out of his throat is magnified a hundred times over, reflecting his shame and embarrassment. Later his father makes him practice with the Christmas broadcast the King has just finished giving. As Albert struggles through the first few sentences, his father yells at him: “TRY!” As if that was his problem.
Seeking help, Albert’s wife, Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter, also excellent) seeks out of the help of a rather unorthodox Australian speech therapist and failed-actor named Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush, excellent). And so begins a remarkable relationship between the Duke of York and this slightly eccentric colonial, which soon develops into a surprising friendship...perhaps the first real one the Duke has ever had, baring his wife. As Logue points out, he can help the stammering only to a certain extent: to really make progress he has to reach deeper to find the underlying issues, which will require Albert to confide in him.
The film evinces incredible understanding of those with speech difficulties, and any person watching who has such a problem will find themselves nodding in sympathy with poor Prince Albert as he struggles to so much as tell a bed-time story to his daughters. Also refreshing is how Albert (or Bertie has his family…and later Logue…call him) doesn’t make immediate progress. Indeed, he is never completely cured during the film, and the ending indicates that he never was. The important thing isn’t whether he stammers, it’s whether he can perform his duties with it.
Duty is something of a subordinate theme in this movie. One of the reasons Bertie’s speech therapy is so vital is that his brother, Prince Edward, is too wrapped up in his famous romance with Mrs. Simpson to attend to his duties as heir to the throne…even after their father dies and Edward becomes King. Edward is too completely taken in by Wallis Simpson to really understand the gravity of the situation…or the fact that Mrs. Simpson has ties to the Nazis.
This is dramatized in a scene where Bertie and Elizabeth visit Edward (Guy Pearce, who is, yes, excellent as a decidedly not excellent man) and Mrs. Simpson at a royal retreat in Scotland…where Edward has set Mrs. Simpson up and is holding a raucous party. He we have one of the most heart wrenching moments in the film. Bertie follows Edward around the castle, trying to convince him to do his duty, to impress upon him the seriousness of his position (“What of Kaiser Wilhelm? What of the Russian Czar? Where are they?”), and reminding him that he can’t marry a divorced, American, Nazi-supporting woman and be King. Edward cheerfully ignores him, until finally Bertie starts putting his foot down and demanding his brother act like a King. At this, Edward viciously resorts to mocking Albert’s stutter, bringing the discussion to a brutal halt. Here we see one of the worst parts of having a speech impediment: the fact that there is always something people can easily attack and there is nothing you can do about it. Like going through life with a gaping wound you can’t protect or cover. Albert can’t respond to Edward’s mocking, since any attempt to do so would only give him more fuel, more material to turn into mockery. All he can do is back down, despite the fact that he is clearly in the right.
The worst part about this scene is that, up to this point, Edward has been a fairly pleasant character: weak, but basically good natured. The two brothers have gotten along fine. It was only when Albert tried to disrupt Edward’s foolish little world that Edward turned on him. It’s a brutal, shocking scene.
There is another element to that scene, though, which is the thought that here is a man who’s speech impediment makes it impossible for him to stand up to his own brother. How can he be expected to stand up to Nazi Germany?
This very point is illustrated in another striking moment. Edward, of course, soon abdicates to “be with the woman I love” (bleh) leaving his infinitely more admirable brother with the unenviable task of being King of England. Not long after this, King George (as Albert is now called) sees his future nemesis in a newsreel and realizes that Adolf Hitler has exactly the power that the King of England so conspicuously lacks. A power he will need to develop if he is going to lead his people through another war with Germany. All this leads up to his pivotal moment: his first war time speech, with which he will have to rally his Empire to fight the most powerful army on Earth.
Despite the subject matter – the deaths of kings, the fates of Empires, World Wars – the film staunchly remains an intimate human drama…and occasionally a human comedy, in some hilarious moments in Logue’s therapy (including perhaps the least offensive stream of profanity imaginable) and in a repeated gag involving a single shilling. Then there is the delightful moment when Logue’s wife (whom he has not yet informed of the situation) returns home unexpectedly to find the Queen of England sitting at her table while the King and her husband panic in the other room (Logue’s wife, incidentally, is played by Jennifer Ehle, who played Elizabeth Bennet opposite Colin Firth’s Darcy. They get a brief moment to exchange a look that, while completely in character, comes across almost as a shared joke. As if that wasn’t enough, David Bamber, who played Mr. Collins, also shows up briefly, still oozing slime as if he never stopped). Completely floored, she finds herself asking their royal majesties to stay for dinner…an offer which the Queen graciously deflects to the relief of all.
The film abounds with well observed little character moments, such as the aforementioned bed-time story Albert tells his daughters (“We want a story about a penguin!”), which they adore despite the difficulty he had in saying it. After he is made king comes another moment with the girls, as they uncertainly courtesy to him instead of running for a hug. One of my favorite moments, however, comes almost at the end. As Albert prepares to give his all-important speech, Winston Churchill (Timothy Spall) informs him that he himself once had a speech impediment. It’s a good example of saying a lot with very little and relying on the audience to make the connection: Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of the twentieth century, himself once could not speak.
As the reasons for Albert’s speech impediment come to light, we begin to wonder how he turned out as well adjusted as he is. The slow, disjointed tale of abuse gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “oh, to be king!” As our sympathy for Albert builds, however, so does our admiration. Here is a man who never wanted to be king, who never thought to be king, and who never believed he could be king. “I’m not a king!” he sobs at one point, completely overwhelmed by the unfairness of his position. In another scene he sums up his whole, horrible position in remarkable speech. “If I’m a king, where’s my power?” he asks. “Can I declare war? Form a government? Levy a tax? No! And yet I’m the seat of all authority because they think when I speak I speak for them. But I can’t speak.”
But, unlike his brother, Albert does not abandon his post. With help from his friend and his loving wife, he manfully shoulders his duty and finds, to his immense surprise, that he is equal to it after all.
I myself have a very minor speech difficulty: I would hardly even call in an impediment, more of a slight stumbling block. It’s just enough that I have some inkling of what my friends who do have speech impediments go though, and I have seen the difficulty they sometimes have in this world that seems to think a stammer is an attempt to personally inconvenience it. That is one of the best things about this film: that it provides a window into what it is like to live that way. This is largely due to Colin Firth’s acting, which, as noted, is incredible. We feel his frustration as he struggles to get his words out, his shame when he simply cannot speak, his resentment and fear of those who expect him to simply “make himself” speak well. Compare his performance with the usual presentation of stutterers: actors simply repeating the first letter of a word a few times. Firth gulps, mouths soundlessly, makes inarticulate noise, everything that someone who really has this affliction does. In short, he actually seems to be trying to talk. His acting simply cannot be praised highly enough.
Geoffrey Rush also succeeds in his rather more conventional role. He does a wonderful job of showcasing Logue’s own personal doubts, as well as his frank uncertainty about having to treat the Duke of York (and later the King of England) as just another patient, but also the awareness that that’s the only way he can help him. The relationship between Rush and Firth constitutes the heart of the film, and both actors rise marvelously to the occasion. Helena Bonham Carter is also delightful as the beloved Queen Mother and gets many of the film’s most delightful moments, such as when she has to take a moment to figure out how to use the lift down to Logue’s office. As we learn more about Bertie’s life as a member of the royal family, we can’t help but be amazed and grateful that he found and married such a wonderfully normal woman.
This is a film that should be seen by everyone, and especially anyone who has or who knows someone with a speech impediment, or a social handicap, or anything of the kind. It is a brilliant, touching, funny reminder that all great men are, first of all, just men.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Mst3k – 301: Cave Dwellers
First off, sorry for the extremely long delay this time. I got too busy to do this review, then the longer it took the less inclined I was to resume the project. Now, though, I’m going to try to get back on schedule with a review a week.
Anyway, Cave Dwellers. Ah, Cave Dwellers! Another genuine milestone in the history of Mst3k! This episode begins the Golden Age of Mystery Science Theater 3000; a period from the beginning of the Third Season to the end of the Sixth which represents the canon, the essence, the ‘pure’ Mst3k. This marks the point where they really hit their stride.
This pivotal episode features a movie which will become famous in the annals of Mst3k. ‘Cave Dwellers’ tells the story of Ator(Miles O’Keefe); the massive-haired, giant-pecced hero of the oppressed of generically-barbaric history. Ator gets called upon by the daughter of a dreadfully dull old-man, who is a generic wise-man/ancient scientist. He’s discovered something called the ‘Geometric Nucleus’ which does something. We never find out what, but it’s enough for a genericbad-guy (notice a pattern here?) to attack the old-guy and try to steal it. The daughter runs off to find Ator, and, along with Ator’s sidekick, Thong (who is the most likeable character in the movie due to the fact that he never speaks), wander back to the old-guy’s castle, having pointless and time-wasting adventures along the way. Finally, they make it back and Ator bombs the castle from the air (seriously), kills the bad guy, and destroys the nucleus.
The film is bristling with stupidity and errors. Early on, the girl is told Ator lives at ‘The Ends of the Earth,’ which she apparently reaches within a few hours with an *arrow in her chest*. On the way back, though, it takes several days and numerous obstacles to get back. I guess she took the short-cut on the way there. Meanwhile, random bad-guys show up for a couple scenes and disappear, velvety monsters are fought, and awkwardly choreographed sword fights ensue whenever the filmmakers remembered they were making a barbarian movie, while the film abounds in continuity errors, ridiculous dialogue, plot holes, and all sorts of fodder for Joel and the bots to get their teeth into.
Miles O’Keefe is one of those actors who seem to have made an indefinable impression on the Brains; perhaps it was his massive hair and muscles, perhaps it was his humorously wooden delivery (his ‘NO!’ has to be heard to be believed). Most likely it was a combinations of all the above and his delightful tough-guy name which invites itself to so many puns (some ways down the line a host segment will present the menu item ‘Miles O’Beef’). At any rate, his contribution is a major part of what makes this film so enjoyably stupid and it is much appreciated. For his part Mr. O’Keefe apparently had a sense of humor about the whole thing and put in several appearances at Mst3k conventions.
Riffwise this is a very, very strong episode. The guys come out of the gate firing on all cylinders with numerous jokes on the wooden acting, Miles O’Keefe, the awful effects, Miles O’Keefe, the plot holes, Thong, and Miles O’Keefe to name a few. The jokes come thick, fast and hilarious, setting a new standard for the show.
The host segments are likewise amusing, although none of them are classics. The best is probably the first where they reenact the credits. So in summary a combination of good host segments, a hilariously bad movie, and great riffing make for an outstanding opening to the Golden Age of Mst3k.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are talking about what names they would pick for themselves (Gypsy: “Mrs. Richard Basehart! Mrs. Richard Basehart!”). Pretty amusing. Joel acts like they’ve been off for a while; a nice way to open the new Season. And for some reason Servo has a fez and they’re all wearing bathrobes.
Invention: Dr. F makes some reference to ‘going through the asteroid belt;’ another nod to the new season. Joel invents the smoking jacket for people who know that smoking is cool but deadly. The Mads invent Robotic Arm-Wrestling. It’s pretty amusing, particularly Joel and the Bots cheering them on, and it features one of the final appearances of the mole people.
As they come in the credits are playing over a half-a-screen; the bottom half is black, the top plays scenes from a completely different movie (This was apparently distributed by the same company that did ‘Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster’).
Servo: “This is in shoebox-format)
Joel (on the credit for Miles O’Keeffe): “How much Keeffe is in this movie anyway?”
Servo: “Miles O’Keeffe.”
(on the ‘director of photography’ credit)
Joel: “Director of the top-half of the photography…”
Joel peaks over the top of the half-screen of the credits!
Cut to some Cave Men.
Servo: “This week on ‘Cave Dwellers’”
Crow (on cave-men eating): “Mmm, Grog tastes good!”
A narrator rambles about ‘savage, early man’ and the ‘few who have been touched by a higher power.’
Cave-Men attack:
Servo: “Playing center-spear, Og!”
Crow: “Playing defensive back-up, Oog!”
Joel: “and that right-hunchback is Org!”
Crow: “Hey, Grog just threw a bone into the air and it turned into a spaceship!”
Crow: “It’s an early version of West-Side Story. ‘Uhn, I just met a girl named Uhn!’”
Cut to a castle.
Servo: “Stately Wayne Manor.”
We meet an old wise man who speaks very…very…slow…ly.
Old Man (to his daughter): “I always wanted you to be wise.”
Servo: “But we’ll settle on looks.”
Old man shows his daughter his discovery…which Servo identifies as a rear-view mirror.
By the way, we never do find out what, exactly this discovery is.
Old Man looks at camera.
Crow: “What do you, the viewers at home think?”
Flashback to Ator’s history (read: previous movie).
Crow: “This is the part of the film we like to call ‘she had to ask.’”
Old Man: “Riba…”
Crow: “Son of Frogmar, keeper of the Seven Keys of Fintuzler…”
Crow: “Jeeze, Tolkien couldn’t follow this plot!”
Ator fakily cuts a zombie’s head off.
Servo: “Ooh, how graphic!”
Ator pushes a gong on a bad guy.
Servo: “Ooh, he’s been gonged.”
Crow: “He’d never killed that big a puppet before.”
Ator: “That exercise works. I can feel it here…”
Crow: “Wait, where’s my shirt?”
End flashback.
Daughter: “Father, tell me…”
Servo: “Again?”
All: “NO!”
Girl is sent off to find Ator…
Crow: “Music by the Super Mario Brothers.”
Hilarious bit where a guy leading a bunch of horseman randomly calls ‘Follow me!’ then spends a few seconds orientating his horse.
Anyway, bad guys attack the castle.
Old Guy: “When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth…”
Crow: “Ask for Earl.”
Bad guys rough up old guy, knocking over a shelf.
Joel: “That’s my spice rack!”
The bad guy wears a swan helmet! A swan helmet!
Pause-filled conversation between bad guy and old guy.
Bad guy laughs evilly.
Joel: “Ha ha! Oh, observational humor.”
First Host Segment: Joel and the Bots do a more lucid version of the credits. It’s pretty amusing, especially the credits they provide. ‘Tom Servo as that really dull old guy.’ ‘Continuity by ‘.
Come back to find the girl in a fight with some bad-guys…she gets shot in the chest with an arrow.
Servo: “You idiot, we don’t even have a doe license.”
Joel: “Why is she limping?”
Crow: “She’s got an arrow in her chest.”
(old guy and bad guy climb stairs)
Crow: “Use the hand-rails. I invented them for a reason.”
(Ator holds up a HUGE sword)
Joel: “Made this in shop-class; it’s a letter opener.”
(quick and random cut to an owl and back)
Crow: “Hey did you just turn into an owl and then back real fast?”
And girl comes sliding in (apparently she walked to the ends of the Earth with an arrow in her chest).
Crow: “Look out, it’s wet there, I just mopped.”
And Ator provides some rather goofy first aid.
Servo:”Hey, he’s washing with lava.”
Crow: “The soap?”
Servo: ”No, the real thing.”
Servo: “I could be wrong but this arrow may have something to do with it.”
Cut back to evil guy and old guy.
Bad guy is reading a scroll.
Servo: “Wait a minute…this is the Magna Carta!”
Back to Ator etc.
Ator is writing something, leading to a great gag where Servo acts like he’s writing down the dialogue (“How many ‘A’s in ‘danger’?)
Servo: “What do you think he’s writing?”
Crow: “The script?”
Ator: “First you must prove to us that you are the daughter of the Great One.”
Crow: “If you can look bored and speak haltingly, you’re in!”
And they provide a stupid test for her; they lock her in a cell and challenge her to get out.
Servo: “What would MacGyver do?”
And she gets out by blowing up the cell.
Servo: “I suppose she could’ve tried the lock.”
Crow: “You owe me fifty-bucks for the door.”
Bad guys
Bad Guy: “Let me introduce you to Sandor.”
Crow: “You can call me Sandy.”
Old guy does another long, dull speech.
Long pause:
Crow (whispering): “Say something! Line!”
Servo (same): “Come on, fake it!”
Sandor casts some magic and we cut to Ator and co. walking through some fog.
Servo: “We’re getting close to Ridley Scott now.”
And Ator and his sidekick lose the girl.
Servo: “After exhausting every possibility, the men move on.”
They’re attacked by ‘invisible’ attackers (Read: They mime getting hit and make complete fools of themselves).
Joel: “I don’t believe it they were too cheap to hire villains in this thing!”
Servo: “So, let’s recap the action so far.”
Joel: “Uh, nothing really.”
Servo: “Uh, you’re right. Let’s move on.”
And Ator and his sidekick, Thong (seriously, that’s his name), defeat the ‘invisible attackers’ by throwing their capes onto them.
Crow: “Ah! Now they’re scarier!”
(As they move on)
Joel: “Don’t they want their capes?”
Crow: “No, they’d have invisible blood on them.”
And the girl is attacked by some cave dwellers and captured (she’s a girl, you see).
Crow: “These must be the Cave Dwellers!”
Servo: “That’s right, thirty-five minutes into the film and we’re finally at the first plot point.”
As are three bad guys randomly wandering around the same cave (leading to very funny ‘Three-Stooges’ style gag from the guys).
(on the cave-dweller’s random muttering)
Crow: “Ojibiwa! Wait minute, I invented a word!”
(On the cave chief)
Joel: “I am a noble savage.”
Joel: “Tuesdays are human sacrifice day at the sizzler.”
(cave dweller rips out a guy’s heart)
Servo: “I think Tony Bennet left that in San Francisco.”
(Cave dweller chief eats heart)
Servo: “I want a Barney Clark Bar.”
(as Ator approaches the cave where all this heart-eating is taking place)
Crow: “*sniff* Mmmm, something smells good!”
And now they go to do the same to the girl and Ator just…kinda sits there.
(on Ator’s inactivity).
Joel: “I’ve got a wonderful Grinchy idea!”
Second Host Segment: The fancy, fantasy names given to the ordinary props. It’s pretty quietly amusing.
And Thong is randomly wandering around the cave while Ator and girl do likewise.
Joel (as Thong scratches something on the cave wall): “For a good time call Thong…”
Joel: “By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.”
Cut to bad guy admonishing Sandor.
Servo: “Bad country singer! Bad Willie!”
(Sandor looks a bit like Willie Nelson, see)
Bad guy: “Flog him!”
Crow: “Thank you sir!”
(as Sandor is carried off to prison)
Servo: “Okay, I’ll do linking rings. I’ll do ball-in-a-cup. I’ll do metamorphosis! Wait! Wait!”
And back to Ator etc, now running through a wood.
Girl: “I sense the presence of something evil.”
Crow: “That’s you.”
Ator: “Ever since we left the cave, I’ve had the feeling we’re being followed.”
Joel (as Thong): “Uh, that’s me boss, I’m right behind you.”
And three samurai just kind of show up.
Servo: “Oh, no, they’ve jumped into a Kurosawa film!”
Crow: “So it’ll start making sense?”
(low angle shot of Ator)
Joel: “I’m HUGE!”
And a lamely choreographed fight scene ensues.
Servo: “You know, the reason this scene is so good is that we care about the characters.”
Crow: “We do. I mean, we do?”
Servo: “We really do.”
And they kill the samurai, and we cut to the Bad Guy.
Bad Guy (after another pause-filled statement): “What do you say to that?”
Crow: “I say…YOU COULD DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH YOUR CUES! TEMPO! TEMPO! PICK IT UP!”
Bad Guy (to old guy): “You’re wonderful.”
Crow: “Marry me.”
And back to Ator etc. Thong is fishing while Ator cooks and the girl…just kind of wanders.
Girl: “Do you think my father’s still alive?”
Servo: “Oh, sure. *snort*”
And now it’s night and Thong captures some random people.
Ator: “What do you want?”
Servo: “Hey, look, you captured us!”
And the prisoners tell a tale of woe.
Ator: “The huns have always demanded the blood of man.”
Crow: “Yeah, they’re funny that way.”
Cut to random village, where they’re taking volunteers to be sacrificed to the bad guys.
(scrawny guy steps forward)
Joel: “Uh, you, never mind.”
Ator shows up.
Joel: “It’s speedy-delivery guy and has he got a package!”
Joel: “Who is this gentle stranger with pecs like melons and knees of fringe?”
Ator: “Where is Ravany?”
Village Leader: “Ravany has left us.”
Crow: “Because he had nothing to do with the film.”
Ator: “He was a proud, courageous man.”
Servo: “But dumber than a bag of hammers.”
Ator: “You must not lose heart.”
Crow: “Or some guy will eat it.”
And Ator starts shouting plans without anyone agreeing to help. He just walks up the line and orders them to fight.
Bearded Village-Guy: “I want to fight.”
Crow: “For my right to party!”
And the village leader gives Ator some wine, which, being an idiot, he drinks without question.
Crow: “Drink it all. Sometimes the poison’s on the bottom.”
Crow (evilly): “Are you done with your, heheheh, drink?”
(Low angle shot of Ator falling over)
Crow: “Timber!”
(on a shot of Thong after Ator faints)
Joel: “Alright, now we call this film the ‘Thong Dwellers’!”
More random bad guys show up.
Crow: “I think it’s the Kurds.”
Servo: “And Whey?”
Crow: “Yes, Whey.”
And the bad guys kill everyone and raise the village.
Ator gives a big ‘No!’ that has to be heard to be believed.
As Ator and the girl are distressed by the fire.
Servo: “Uh, this is just a wild idea, but how about moving to the other side of the pole where the fire isn’t?”
And abrupt cut to the headquarters of these new bad guys (look, don’t ask, just go with it)
(cut to a sharp-dressed bad-guy)
Crow: “I’m the best-looking man in the middle ages! My, my, my!”
And the main bad guy shows up with some gold and a few girls to be sacrificed.
Girl: “It would be less repugnant to be strangled by a thousand serpents than to have to endure your smile.”
Joel: “I see. What does repugnant mean? Ah, no matter.”
Crow (as bad guy turns to Ator): “You don’t think I’m repugnant, do you?”
(Bad guy pokes one of Ator’s pecs.)
Servo: “Ding….dong!”
Bad guy leaves and secondary bad guys start sacrificing girls…
Servo: “Wait a minute, folks, we have snakes growling here.”
Servo: “Oh, look, anal retentive snakes; they lined up the skulls.”
And Thong cuts Ator loose and another lame fight scene breaks out. (including a funny bit where one of the bad guys visibly struggles to get his sword out of its scabbard)
Third host segment: Joel explains about foley artists (sound-effects creation). It’s pretty amusing, especially the ‘handy Hollywood Meat-sticks.’ And the box full of hamsters (just add milk).
Back to the movie, Ator fights a big rubber snake puppet.
Joel: “It’s the mother-loving pigeon of all sock-puppets.”
(Girl just sits there and screams)
Servo: “Uh, you know, you can jump in here any time…”
Servo: “Just cut the wires Ator!”
And after that completely pointless tangent, they arrive at the old-guy’s castle.
Servo thunks his head against Ator’s chin!
Ator: “We’ll have to fight them.”
Girl: “Just the three of us?”
Crow: “No, just me; you were a big help with the snake.”
Ator: “I’ll keep them busy outside.”
All: “Mwuahahahaha!”
And Ator produces a Hang-glider out of nowhere.
Servo does a funny little ‘Ator flying’ song.
(shot of Ator flying)
Servo: “Gomez! I invented the wheel!”
And he flies over a castle that looks entirely different from the one in the movie.
(when the old guy tells bad guy he taught Ator the ‘theory of flight,’ bad guy hits him)
Crow: “Theory of flight? I’ll teach you the theory of fist!”
Servo: “Well, it looks like heflew into 17th century Bulgaria and that’s Mad Ludwig’s castle there.”
And Ator starts bombing the bad guys (yes, he invented bombs along with the hang-glider)
Crow: “Alright you crummy rats, Henry Kissinger says Merry Christmas!”
(A bomb sends an obvious dummy flying.)
Servo: “My God, they hit Charlie McCarthy!”
Cut from Ator landing in a field to Ator landing on the battlements.
Joel: “and I suppose he’s got a tank in the courtyard now.”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s made out of coconuts.”
Bad guy starts beating old guy for the macguffin.
Bad Guy (to Ator): “I’m not afraid of you!”
(Ator swings at him)
Servo: “Well, maybe a little.”
And Bad Guy and Ator fight. Ator proves dumb as a post by giving the bad guy his second sword.
Crow: “He’s not much without his hang-glider, is he?”
And then Ator gets the advantage, but Old Guy randomly tells him not to kill Bad Guy so he can be tried by the ancient United Nations, or something.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making that up!”
Servo: “So, what the heck did I hang-glide in here for anyway.”
And Thong kills Bad Guy anyway.
Joel: “Hey, thanks a lot Thong. I’ll visit you in prison, bake you a rice-cake with a saw in it, buddy.”
Ator leaves…
And we cut to nuclear explosion while the narrator says something about the macguffin getting destroyed. Whatever.
Crow: “Well, this is neat, but what the heck does it have to do with the movie?”
And cut to Ator riding a horse.
Joel: “He probably built that horse.”
Servo: “Yeah, out of mud and sticks.”
And there’s a very clear shot of some tire-tracks.
And we cut off into the credits, which are more shots from that completely different movie from the opening credits.
(on the hair styles)
Crow: “No, no, the Mohawk goes the other way; you look like a turkey!”
Final host segment: The errors in the film (Joel pulls a great face and Servo does a great little growl). Servo calls this the worst film they’ve ever shown them. The Mads: “What do you want from us? We’re evil! Evil!”
Stinger: “Thong? The fish is ready.” Yeah, that’s an odd moment, but in the film this good, I’d have gone for Ator’s ‘No!’ or something.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Cave Dwellers
24. Hellcats
25. Rocket Attack USA
26. Robot Holocaust
27. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Really bad, but goofy movie with some excellent riffing and amusing host segments makes for a very strong episode to open a new era with.
Final Rating: 9/10.
Anyway, Cave Dwellers. Ah, Cave Dwellers! Another genuine milestone in the history of Mst3k! This episode begins the Golden Age of Mystery Science Theater 3000; a period from the beginning of the Third Season to the end of the Sixth which represents the canon, the essence, the ‘pure’ Mst3k. This marks the point where they really hit their stride.
This pivotal episode features a movie which will become famous in the annals of Mst3k. ‘Cave Dwellers’ tells the story of Ator(Miles O’Keefe); the massive-haired, giant-pecced hero of the oppressed of generically-barbaric history. Ator gets called upon by the daughter of a dreadfully dull old-man, who is a generic wise-man/ancient scientist. He’s discovered something called the ‘Geometric Nucleus’ which does something. We never find out what, but it’s enough for a genericbad-guy (notice a pattern here?) to attack the old-guy and try to steal it. The daughter runs off to find Ator, and, along with Ator’s sidekick, Thong (who is the most likeable character in the movie due to the fact that he never speaks), wander back to the old-guy’s castle, having pointless and time-wasting adventures along the way. Finally, they make it back and Ator bombs the castle from the air (seriously), kills the bad guy, and destroys the nucleus.
The film is bristling with stupidity and errors. Early on, the girl is told Ator lives at ‘The Ends of the Earth,’ which she apparently reaches within a few hours with an *arrow in her chest*. On the way back, though, it takes several days and numerous obstacles to get back. I guess she took the short-cut on the way there. Meanwhile, random bad-guys show up for a couple scenes and disappear, velvety monsters are fought, and awkwardly choreographed sword fights ensue whenever the filmmakers remembered they were making a barbarian movie, while the film abounds in continuity errors, ridiculous dialogue, plot holes, and all sorts of fodder for Joel and the bots to get their teeth into.
Miles O’Keefe is one of those actors who seem to have made an indefinable impression on the Brains; perhaps it was his massive hair and muscles, perhaps it was his humorously wooden delivery (his ‘NO!’ has to be heard to be believed). Most likely it was a combinations of all the above and his delightful tough-guy name which invites itself to so many puns (some ways down the line a host segment will present the menu item ‘Miles O’Beef’). At any rate, his contribution is a major part of what makes this film so enjoyably stupid and it is much appreciated. For his part Mr. O’Keefe apparently had a sense of humor about the whole thing and put in several appearances at Mst3k conventions.
Riffwise this is a very, very strong episode. The guys come out of the gate firing on all cylinders with numerous jokes on the wooden acting, Miles O’Keefe, the awful effects, Miles O’Keefe, the plot holes, Thong, and Miles O’Keefe to name a few. The jokes come thick, fast and hilarious, setting a new standard for the show.
The host segments are likewise amusing, although none of them are classics. The best is probably the first where they reenact the credits. So in summary a combination of good host segments, a hilariously bad movie, and great riffing make for an outstanding opening to the Golden Age of Mst3k.
Thoughts while watching:
Opening: Joel and the bots are talking about what names they would pick for themselves (Gypsy: “Mrs. Richard Basehart! Mrs. Richard Basehart!”). Pretty amusing. Joel acts like they’ve been off for a while; a nice way to open the new Season. And for some reason Servo has a fez and they’re all wearing bathrobes.
Invention: Dr. F makes some reference to ‘going through the asteroid belt;’ another nod to the new season. Joel invents the smoking jacket for people who know that smoking is cool but deadly. The Mads invent Robotic Arm-Wrestling. It’s pretty amusing, particularly Joel and the Bots cheering them on, and it features one of the final appearances of the mole people.
As they come in the credits are playing over a half-a-screen; the bottom half is black, the top plays scenes from a completely different movie (This was apparently distributed by the same company that did ‘Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster’).
Servo: “This is in shoebox-format)
Joel (on the credit for Miles O’Keeffe): “How much Keeffe is in this movie anyway?”
Servo: “Miles O’Keeffe.”
(on the ‘director of photography’ credit)
Joel: “Director of the top-half of the photography…”
Joel peaks over the top of the half-screen of the credits!
Cut to some Cave Men.
Servo: “This week on ‘Cave Dwellers’”
Crow (on cave-men eating): “Mmm, Grog tastes good!”
A narrator rambles about ‘savage, early man’ and the ‘few who have been touched by a higher power.’
Cave-Men attack:
Servo: “Playing center-spear, Og!”
Crow: “Playing defensive back-up, Oog!”
Joel: “and that right-hunchback is Org!”
Crow: “Hey, Grog just threw a bone into the air and it turned into a spaceship!”
Crow: “It’s an early version of West-Side Story. ‘Uhn, I just met a girl named Uhn!’”
Cut to a castle.
Servo: “Stately Wayne Manor.”
We meet an old wise man who speaks very…very…slow…ly.
Old Man (to his daughter): “I always wanted you to be wise.”
Servo: “But we’ll settle on looks.”
Old man shows his daughter his discovery…which Servo identifies as a rear-view mirror.
By the way, we never do find out what, exactly this discovery is.
Old Man looks at camera.
Crow: “What do you, the viewers at home think?”
Flashback to Ator’s history (read: previous movie).
Crow: “This is the part of the film we like to call ‘she had to ask.’”
Old Man: “Riba…”
Crow: “Son of Frogmar, keeper of the Seven Keys of Fintuzler…”
Crow: “Jeeze, Tolkien couldn’t follow this plot!”
Ator fakily cuts a zombie’s head off.
Servo: “Ooh, how graphic!”
Ator pushes a gong on a bad guy.
Servo: “Ooh, he’s been gonged.”
Crow: “He’d never killed that big a puppet before.”
Ator: “That exercise works. I can feel it here…”
Crow: “Wait, where’s my shirt?”
End flashback.
Daughter: “Father, tell me…”
Servo: “Again?”
All: “NO!”
Girl is sent off to find Ator…
Crow: “Music by the Super Mario Brothers.”
Hilarious bit where a guy leading a bunch of horseman randomly calls ‘Follow me!’ then spends a few seconds orientating his horse.
Anyway, bad guys attack the castle.
Old Guy: “When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth…”
Crow: “Ask for Earl.”
Bad guys rough up old guy, knocking over a shelf.
Joel: “That’s my spice rack!”
The bad guy wears a swan helmet! A swan helmet!
Pause-filled conversation between bad guy and old guy.
Bad guy laughs evilly.
Joel: “Ha ha! Oh, observational humor.”
First Host Segment: Joel and the Bots do a more lucid version of the credits. It’s pretty amusing, especially the credits they provide. ‘Tom Servo as that really dull old guy.’ ‘Continuity by ‘.
Come back to find the girl in a fight with some bad-guys…she gets shot in the chest with an arrow.
Servo: “You idiot, we don’t even have a doe license.”
Joel: “Why is she limping?”
Crow: “She’s got an arrow in her chest.”
(old guy and bad guy climb stairs)
Crow: “Use the hand-rails. I invented them for a reason.”
(Ator holds up a HUGE sword)
Joel: “Made this in shop-class; it’s a letter opener.”
(quick and random cut to an owl and back)
Crow: “Hey did you just turn into an owl and then back real fast?”
And girl comes sliding in (apparently she walked to the ends of the Earth with an arrow in her chest).
Crow: “Look out, it’s wet there, I just mopped.”
And Ator provides some rather goofy first aid.
Servo:”Hey, he’s washing with lava.”
Crow: “The soap?”
Servo: ”No, the real thing.”
Servo: “I could be wrong but this arrow may have something to do with it.”
Cut back to evil guy and old guy.
Bad guy is reading a scroll.
Servo: “Wait a minute…this is the Magna Carta!”
Back to Ator etc.
Ator is writing something, leading to a great gag where Servo acts like he’s writing down the dialogue (“How many ‘A’s in ‘danger’?)
Servo: “What do you think he’s writing?”
Crow: “The script?”
Ator: “First you must prove to us that you are the daughter of the Great One.”
Crow: “If you can look bored and speak haltingly, you’re in!”
And they provide a stupid test for her; they lock her in a cell and challenge her to get out.
Servo: “What would MacGyver do?”
And she gets out by blowing up the cell.
Servo: “I suppose she could’ve tried the lock.”
Crow: “You owe me fifty-bucks for the door.”
Bad guys
Bad Guy: “Let me introduce you to Sandor.”
Crow: “You can call me Sandy.”
Old guy does another long, dull speech.
Long pause:
Crow (whispering): “Say something! Line!”
Servo (same): “Come on, fake it!”
Sandor casts some magic and we cut to Ator and co. walking through some fog.
Servo: “We’re getting close to Ridley Scott now.”
And Ator and his sidekick lose the girl.
Servo: “After exhausting every possibility, the men move on.”
They’re attacked by ‘invisible’ attackers (Read: They mime getting hit and make complete fools of themselves).
Joel: “I don’t believe it they were too cheap to hire villains in this thing!”
Servo: “So, let’s recap the action so far.”
Joel: “Uh, nothing really.”
Servo: “Uh, you’re right. Let’s move on.”
And Ator and his sidekick, Thong (seriously, that’s his name), defeat the ‘invisible attackers’ by throwing their capes onto them.
Crow: “Ah! Now they’re scarier!”
(As they move on)
Joel: “Don’t they want their capes?”
Crow: “No, they’d have invisible blood on them.”
And the girl is attacked by some cave dwellers and captured (she’s a girl, you see).
Crow: “These must be the Cave Dwellers!”
Servo: “That’s right, thirty-five minutes into the film and we’re finally at the first plot point.”
As are three bad guys randomly wandering around the same cave (leading to very funny ‘Three-Stooges’ style gag from the guys).
(on the cave-dweller’s random muttering)
Crow: “Ojibiwa! Wait minute, I invented a word!”
(On the cave chief)
Joel: “I am a noble savage.”
Joel: “Tuesdays are human sacrifice day at the sizzler.”
(cave dweller rips out a guy’s heart)
Servo: “I think Tony Bennet left that in San Francisco.”
(Cave dweller chief eats heart)
Servo: “I want a Barney Clark Bar.”
(as Ator approaches the cave where all this heart-eating is taking place)
Crow: “*sniff* Mmmm, something smells good!”
And now they go to do the same to the girl and Ator just…kinda sits there.
(on Ator’s inactivity).
Joel: “I’ve got a wonderful Grinchy idea!”
Second Host Segment: The fancy, fantasy names given to the ordinary props. It’s pretty quietly amusing.
And Thong is randomly wandering around the cave while Ator and girl do likewise.
Joel (as Thong scratches something on the cave wall): “For a good time call Thong…”
Joel: “By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.”
Cut to bad guy admonishing Sandor.
Servo: “Bad country singer! Bad Willie!”
(Sandor looks a bit like Willie Nelson, see)
Bad guy: “Flog him!”
Crow: “Thank you sir!”
(as Sandor is carried off to prison)
Servo: “Okay, I’ll do linking rings. I’ll do ball-in-a-cup. I’ll do metamorphosis! Wait! Wait!”
And back to Ator etc, now running through a wood.
Girl: “I sense the presence of something evil.”
Crow: “That’s you.”
Ator: “Ever since we left the cave, I’ve had the feeling we’re being followed.”
Joel (as Thong): “Uh, that’s me boss, I’m right behind you.”
And three samurai just kind of show up.
Servo: “Oh, no, they’ve jumped into a Kurosawa film!”
Crow: “So it’ll start making sense?”
(low angle shot of Ator)
Joel: “I’m HUGE!”
And a lamely choreographed fight scene ensues.
Servo: “You know, the reason this scene is so good is that we care about the characters.”
Crow: “We do. I mean, we do?”
Servo: “We really do.”
And they kill the samurai, and we cut to the Bad Guy.
Bad Guy (after another pause-filled statement): “What do you say to that?”
Crow: “I say…YOU COULD DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH YOUR CUES! TEMPO! TEMPO! PICK IT UP!”
Bad Guy (to old guy): “You’re wonderful.”
Crow: “Marry me.”
And back to Ator etc. Thong is fishing while Ator cooks and the girl…just kind of wanders.
Girl: “Do you think my father’s still alive?”
Servo: “Oh, sure. *snort*”
And now it’s night and Thong captures some random people.
Ator: “What do you want?”
Servo: “Hey, look, you captured us!”
And the prisoners tell a tale of woe.
Ator: “The huns have always demanded the blood of man.”
Crow: “Yeah, they’re funny that way.”
Cut to random village, where they’re taking volunteers to be sacrificed to the bad guys.
(scrawny guy steps forward)
Joel: “Uh, you, never mind.”
Ator shows up.
Joel: “It’s speedy-delivery guy and has he got a package!”
Joel: “Who is this gentle stranger with pecs like melons and knees of fringe?”
Ator: “Where is Ravany?”
Village Leader: “Ravany has left us.”
Crow: “Because he had nothing to do with the film.”
Ator: “He was a proud, courageous man.”
Servo: “But dumber than a bag of hammers.”
Ator: “You must not lose heart.”
Crow: “Or some guy will eat it.”
And Ator starts shouting plans without anyone agreeing to help. He just walks up the line and orders them to fight.
Bearded Village-Guy: “I want to fight.”
Crow: “For my right to party!”
And the village leader gives Ator some wine, which, being an idiot, he drinks without question.
Crow: “Drink it all. Sometimes the poison’s on the bottom.”
Crow (evilly): “Are you done with your, heheheh, drink?”
(Low angle shot of Ator falling over)
Crow: “Timber!”
(on a shot of Thong after Ator faints)
Joel: “Alright, now we call this film the ‘Thong Dwellers’!”
More random bad guys show up.
Crow: “I think it’s the Kurds.”
Servo: “And Whey?”
Crow: “Yes, Whey.”
And the bad guys kill everyone and raise the village.
Ator gives a big ‘No!’ that has to be heard to be believed.
As Ator and the girl are distressed by the fire.
Servo: “Uh, this is just a wild idea, but how about moving to the other side of the pole where the fire isn’t?”
And abrupt cut to the headquarters of these new bad guys (look, don’t ask, just go with it)
(cut to a sharp-dressed bad-guy)
Crow: “I’m the best-looking man in the middle ages! My, my, my!”
And the main bad guy shows up with some gold and a few girls to be sacrificed.
Girl: “It would be less repugnant to be strangled by a thousand serpents than to have to endure your smile.”
Joel: “I see. What does repugnant mean? Ah, no matter.”
Crow (as bad guy turns to Ator): “You don’t think I’m repugnant, do you?”
(Bad guy pokes one of Ator’s pecs.)
Servo: “Ding….dong!”
Bad guy leaves and secondary bad guys start sacrificing girls…
Servo: “Wait a minute, folks, we have snakes growling here.”
Servo: “Oh, look, anal retentive snakes; they lined up the skulls.”
And Thong cuts Ator loose and another lame fight scene breaks out. (including a funny bit where one of the bad guys visibly struggles to get his sword out of its scabbard)
Third host segment: Joel explains about foley artists (sound-effects creation). It’s pretty amusing, especially the ‘handy Hollywood Meat-sticks.’ And the box full of hamsters (just add milk).
Back to the movie, Ator fights a big rubber snake puppet.
Joel: “It’s the mother-loving pigeon of all sock-puppets.”
(Girl just sits there and screams)
Servo: “Uh, you know, you can jump in here any time…”
Servo: “Just cut the wires Ator!”
And after that completely pointless tangent, they arrive at the old-guy’s castle.
Servo thunks his head against Ator’s chin!
Ator: “We’ll have to fight them.”
Girl: “Just the three of us?”
Crow: “No, just me; you were a big help with the snake.”
Ator: “I’ll keep them busy outside.”
All: “Mwuahahahaha!”
And Ator produces a Hang-glider out of nowhere.
Servo does a funny little ‘Ator flying’ song.
(shot of Ator flying)
Servo: “Gomez! I invented the wheel!”
And he flies over a castle that looks entirely different from the one in the movie.
(when the old guy tells bad guy he taught Ator the ‘theory of flight,’ bad guy hits him)
Crow: “Theory of flight? I’ll teach you the theory of fist!”
Servo: “Well, it looks like heflew into 17th century Bulgaria and that’s Mad Ludwig’s castle there.”
And Ator starts bombing the bad guys (yes, he invented bombs along with the hang-glider)
Crow: “Alright you crummy rats, Henry Kissinger says Merry Christmas!”
(A bomb sends an obvious dummy flying.)
Servo: “My God, they hit Charlie McCarthy!”
Cut from Ator landing in a field to Ator landing on the battlements.
Joel: “and I suppose he’s got a tank in the courtyard now.”
Crow: “Yeah, and it’s made out of coconuts.”
Bad guy starts beating old guy for the macguffin.
Bad Guy (to Ator): “I’m not afraid of you!”
(Ator swings at him)
Servo: “Well, maybe a little.”
And Bad Guy and Ator fight. Ator proves dumb as a post by giving the bad guy his second sword.
Crow: “He’s not much without his hang-glider, is he?”
And then Ator gets the advantage, but Old Guy randomly tells him not to kill Bad Guy so he can be tried by the ancient United Nations, or something.
Joel: “Oh, he’s making that up!”
Servo: “So, what the heck did I hang-glide in here for anyway.”
And Thong kills Bad Guy anyway.
Joel: “Hey, thanks a lot Thong. I’ll visit you in prison, bake you a rice-cake with a saw in it, buddy.”
Ator leaves…
And we cut to nuclear explosion while the narrator says something about the macguffin getting destroyed. Whatever.
Crow: “Well, this is neat, but what the heck does it have to do with the movie?”
And cut to Ator riding a horse.
Joel: “He probably built that horse.”
Servo: “Yeah, out of mud and sticks.”
And there’s a very clear shot of some tire-tracks.
And we cut off into the credits, which are more shots from that completely different movie from the opening credits.
(on the hair styles)
Crow: “No, no, the Mohawk goes the other way; you look like a turkey!”
Final host segment: The errors in the film (Joel pulls a great face and Servo does a great little growl). Servo calls this the worst film they’ve ever shown them. The Mads: “What do you want from us? We’re evil! Evil!”
Stinger: “Thong? The fish is ready.” Yeah, that’s an odd moment, but in the film this good, I’d have gone for Ator’s ‘No!’ or something.
Movie Quality Rating:
1. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
2. The Crawling Eye
3. The Black Scorpion
4. Mad Monster
5. Lost Continent
6. First Spaceship to Venus
7. Rocketship XM
8. Moon Zero Two
9. Godzilla vs. Megalon
10. The Crawling Hand
11. Catalina Caper
12. King Dinosaur
13. Jungle Goddess
14. Wild Rebels
15. The Corpse Vanishes
16. Ring of Terror
17. Untamed Youth
18. The Slime People
19. Project Moonbase
20. The Sidehackers
21. Women of the Prehistoric Planet
22. Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy
23. Cave Dwellers
24. Hellcats
25. Rocket Attack USA
26. Robot Holocaust
27. Robot Monster
Conclusion: Really bad, but goofy movie with some excellent riffing and amusing host segments makes for a very strong episode to open a new era with.
Final Rating: 9/10.
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